Feel like I'm wasting my life

[sonicfan287]

Have any of you ever been in a situation when you knew what the right thing to do was but no matter what, you just couldn't seem to do it? That's how I've felt for more than 4 years now, and I feel like after all this time of "self-reflection" and "trying to figure things out", I've gotten nowhere.

 

Basically, I'm 21 and been in college since 2006. I really enjoyed my first couple years of college but for the wrong reasons. Basically, I liked the friends I made there and had a lot of good times socially, but never really got my act together, got horrible grades and spent a lot of time beating myself up about that. Honestly, I think I only got into college because all my friends did and my family really wanted to, plus it's healthy and promising to have a future. It got me excited to have a career, but the thing is, and I don't know if this is because of my family's history of depression or a genuine lack of passion, I haven't been able to get into college and it's gotten worse every year. In fact... I may as well add that I should be in class right now. I should've been in class a couple hours ago too, but I spent it by moping in my car. I just don't have the energy for this anymore because I don't know what the point is. Again, i'm not sure if it's because I'm depressed about life and negative about myself or I just have no passion because I can do other things. At work and at home, I have hobbies I enjoy and do on my own and have energy for those so it's not that I'm incapable of anything but I fall into the same pattern every semester. I come in to school, ready to "prove myself" and do things right and then after a week, I come down with some incredible fright about class, or an assignment and I end up skipping class. I do it once and tell myself "it's okay... I'll catch up later". the problem is, I do it again, and again, and make excuses for why I did it (because I had to help a friend... I was feeling sick, I needed to get an oil change, really stupid things).

 

I trick myself into thinking I'm being productive when I'm really the laziest person on the planet and I don't know what the point of this post is other than to say i feel completely useless that this is all I do all day is think about myself and post online and ask my friends what to do but never actually do anything. Part of me really thinks I should drop out of school and try something else, but what would that do? I'm never gonna wake up and say "I wanna go back to school now" and i've already gotten about 70 credits (sad, considering this is my 5th year of college). In addition, my mom would be devastated if I dropped out of school. She said this morning she doesn't want me to disappoint her, that's the only reason I feel like i'm still doing this but if she knew I was here, and not in class, she'd be dissapointed anyway. hell id probably get thrown out of the house if my parents knew I wasnt going to class. When i do get bad grades, I make up excuses, I say the class went too fast, the teacher graded too harshly, but the fact is I never communicate my problems and then when it gets really late in the semester I get further behind which adds to my depression, i figure why try so hard when the best im gonna get is maybe a C if i bust my ass?

 

I apologize for the length of this, i just dont know if anyone else feels this way. i feel like such a waste of a human being. if it werent for my parents, Id be out on the street begging for food and I tell myself itll come to that one day unless I kick myself in the ass and strive for better but i just cant do it which makes me hate myself more and contributes to this negativity cycle. I dont know if anyone can truly help me, but I wanted to post this so that someone knew my inner most thoughts because I keep this inside all the time and was wondering if anyone else feels the same.

[Eclipse11]

You need to get some self-discipline by the sound of it! Try link removed ( the forum ) as well...there's a lot of good stuff on there about personal growth and self-discipline that could be good for you - good luck! ;-)

[Rockchick26]

I was actually going to start my own thread about this but you stated everything exactly how I feel so I'll just say I'm in the same boat as you, only I have never gone to college. I'm 38 years old so I feel like an even bigger waste of a human being than you. I credit you for at least trying. As far as I got was sitting on my butt on the computer researching different schools, careers, classes, etc. But I have never once gone to an open house or visited a school or talked to a rep or anything. All I do is sit online and dream about the life I should be living. And I can't figure out why I can't make it happen. I know I'm lazy and I'm always trying to find the easy way to get things, but it has to be more than that, I think it's something mental. Anyway, I'll keep an eye on this thread because I need the advice too!

 

Eclipse...Steve's site is awesome, I was a regular on there for a few years until I drove everyone nuts because I posted about my problems and could never do anything about it even with all the helpful advice they gave me...or should I say, it would have been helpful to someone who isn't a complete screw up and can't get themselves to do anything!