I hate my anxiety. I don't feel normal....

[Oasis_Fan]

I just wanted to share what I'm going through. I really feel like I want to just tell everyone what I have been experiencing and what everyone thinks and if anyone has been going through the same. You don't have to post a 'solution' I'm just happy if someone reads my little story about my problem.

 

I have only recently realized that I have some real anxiety issues. I knew I was different all throughout my life, but it's only now that I truly realize how serious this is getting and affecting my life.

 

Throughout my entire childhood my mother and father used to yell at each other (I mean scream), put each other down, etc. I really went through a lot as a child listening to the screaming, cursing, crying, slamming doors, etc. EVERY single night. I used to wish they would get a divorce. So, when I was 8 or 9 I began developing signs of OCD. Every time my father yelled or got frusterated about something (he is a business man and always stressed out. Something was always wrong) I used to pray and do rituals as if I could somehow control the outcome of the situation and make everything 'better.'

 

The OCD progressed into tapping and counting. I read about it on the internet one night when I was 12 and realized that I had OCD. I couldn't believe what I was doing so I stopped counting and tapping.

 

As a child I also suffered with Social Anxiety disorder. While I was with a group of people my own age I used to fall completely quiet. I was always afraid to talk and I used to imagine everyone laughing at me over something stupid I said. I was practically mute in social situations all throughout my childhood and into high school. I'm 23 now. Sometimes I get a little shy, but I'm happy to say I've conquered that.

 

I still have OCD. I don't count or tap. But I am a perfectionist and if something is bothering me, I obsess over it until it is 'fixed.' If it doesn't get fixed, I just keep obsessing over it until I get sick.

 

I have self-esteem issues. I compare myself to every woman that walks by and I am always worried about how I look.

 

Lately I have been experiencing depersonalization/detachment. I hate this the most out of everything I've been through because it feel like I'm not real. I feel like my life is just slipping by and I can't enjoy it because it feels too much like a dream. Sometimes I don't understand what's happening around me. I wish I didn't experience this. I guess my body just shuts down because it's so exhausted with my anxiety issues.

 

I also have panic attacks constantly. I worry all the time about everything. Even the smallest things. I am paranoid and I always think everyone's out to get me. Everyone is talking about me. Sometimes I get so sick and I can't sleep because I am worrying. I get nauseous and just ...ill.

 

I have a short fuse and when I get angry I slam doors, throw things, and I can't control it. I get depressed easily.

 

I have also recently just found out that my father also has anxiety problems. Which is why he used to be so angry all the time which triggered my OCD.

 

Thanks for reading if you did. Feels good to be able to share. I'm waiting to go to the doctor to get some anti-depressants and I have yet to have a talk with my father about anxiety. I'm having a hard time waiting for the doctor's appointment. I'm going through a lot which is why I felt like writing this thread. If there is anyone else going through this feel free to post.

[eatpraylove]

Hi OF; I'm so sorry to hear you have been going through this for soo long.

 

It sounds like it has def become a real condition for you. And what you need to embrace is you are strong for finally getting help for it. With proper medication and possible some cognitive therapy (where they teach you what triggers your fears/depression, how to change your thinking and parnoia and how to get it under control) you should be able to get most of this to go away.

 

I too went thru a traumatic childhood with alot of screaming/yelling and fighting between my parents. My father had a terrible temper and would throw things and get out of control; my mother was equally out of control and there was alot of witnessing this and alot of psychological stress over it. I probably had my first bout of what could easily be seen by me as depression before I was 11 yrs old.

 

I became terrified they would kill eachother. I became increasingly parnoid and began to have a distored reality. In order to cope with the severe depression and anxiety, I had also created an OCD condition, all on my own. I had begun to have "magic" thinking where I would have to create a chant or repeate something in my head in order to keep my family safe. I felt solely responsible for their wellbeing. I became terrified to leave the house for school as I'd imagined a terrible fire, killing everyone I loved.

 

It wasn't logical at all, but in my mind, in it's weakness and over stress, lack of sleep, the OCD had to almost take over in order to keep me "sane" for lack of a better way to describe it. I soon began to "count" and "check" all the plugs and appliances throughout the house up to 3 times before I could leave for school.

 

At any rate, it would come and go, as stress in my house was elevated or allieviated. So as a kid growing up, I never had a true diagnosis; also as I feared telling my parents, who were always so angry/fighting what was happening cos I feared their judgement.

 

It wasn't until I was 25 that evrything that I'd suffered over the years, as it came and went, hit all at once. I'd learned to find ways to cope with the depression and OCD (grew out of much of that) and anxiety over the yrs, but several things had happened this yr to create a cumulation of everything just ovetaking me into a severe depression.

 

The problem was, my "symptoms" of depression were panic attacks and OCD, more then just what you would think of a depressed person...someone who just sleeps and cries and is suicidal. I actually was the opposite; had too much energy, couldn't sleep, had panic/anxiety attacks so severe I could'nt leave the house for fear of having one; obsessive thinking, trying to work out 2x's a day to try to get the extra energy and fearful thinking out of my body...eventually all I did was wear myself out physically and mentally by becoming an insomniac and agoraphobic (fear of public places).

 

I got treated for my "symptoms" of anxiety instead of the true cause, which was the depression. The problem with this, is I felt even more exhausted and the anxiety kept reoccuring, the insomnia was still pretty bad and so I started to get even worse because I began to feel I wouldn't ever get "cured".

 

Eventually, thru hospitalization, did I finally get a psychological doctor to properly diagnose me with "major depresson with symptoms of panic/OCD". I started getting treated for my depression which once that was eliviated, my anxiety/panic and ocd began to lesson and sleep at last began to slowly but surely get me pulled out of this dark hell I was living. It took time...I needed to come off the wrong meds and put on the right one's, then we had to get me to a medicinal level that work for me; combined with cognitive therapy, I'd say within the first 2-4 weeks I was feeling better then I had in months and months, but it took a full 6 months to get me to where I could handle most of the small occurances that would pop up and luckily nothing like it had been before.

 

I share all this with you in the hopes that it will give you some light at the end of the tunnel. I came from a very similiar background as you and I also found help for it.

 

During all this, luckily I knew my father dealt with depression and anxiety disorder as well. I knew what meds he took to get better (after yrs of experimental treatments, I luckily was spared) and typically (not saying always, I'm not a doctor) what your family or a member of your direct family takes for theirs, will be compatable for you to take. This was the case for me. If your father has never taken anything for it, you might just have to figure out what depression/anxiety med will work best for you, and hopefully you will have enough of a support system (thru friends/family and/or therapy and doc's) to be able to help you monitor you progress or set backs. Journaling how you are feeling during your adjustment on your meds will help give you and your doc an idea if the meds are working or not.

 

Again, I stress I cannot tell you if what worked for me is the sure cure for you, I'm just hoping that since our situations and symptoms are similiar and knowing the hell I went thru before getting better, it might help you somewhat. I know for me, had I been diagnosed correctly and not just put on anxiety meds, I may have been able to forgo the hospital stay.

 

You can ask me anything and if you're prefer to PM me, you can as well.

 

I hope I have helped in some way,even if it was to help you feel less alone in how you feel.

[TexasGrl]

When I read your post I felt like I was reading about myself! Believe me when I say that making an appointment with a doctor is the best decision you've made! I know it made a huge difference with me!

 

I didn't know I was OCD with NOS anxiety until I made an appointment with a councelor.

I too had suspected something was different about me, and I just didn't fit in, etc.

My husband pointed out that I am never able to relax and that I'm always obsessing over something. I am always in inner torment over something, like I just can't get my brain to shut off! Social situations put me in distress to varying degrees too.

 

Finally, the councelor recommended I go to a doctor and tell him the same things I told her. I did and he put me on a low dose of Lexapro. I am going on my second month of medication and I am starting to feel better! I didn't believe that anything could help me, that being this way is just something I would always struggle with.

 

Now I feel less like crying, a little less obsessive. I still have things that I obsess over, but talking does help. That is how I ended up on enotalone! Just know that there is hope, and stick with whatever plan your doctor puts you on! It will make a difference for you too, even if you don't feel it right away.

[Oasis_Fan]

Eatpraylove:

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to post your story. I wasn't expecting any posts, but I'm glad you did.

 

I thought it was pretty cool how we came from similar backgrounds. I really feel better after reading your post that someone else have been through what I'm going through.

 

Honestly, all my issues: OCD, panic attacks, paranoia, the social anxiety I had, depression -the depersonalization is the most frusterating. It's really giving me a hard time because I don't understand what's goingo on. Nothing is real. It's hard to explain.

 

My father has been taking meds. But because I just recently found out about his own anxiety problems (from my boyfriend. Him and my father are really close) I haven't had the chance to have a talk with him yet. I really had no idea he had anxiety and it took me by surprise. I will talk to him soon about it and tell him what I'm going through and ask about his meds. I think it's Zoloft though, I'm not sure. He has severe panic attacks that started after his mother got killed in a car accident when he was around the age of 30.

 

I have no knowledge about meds and anxiety. I don't know anything about them. I see a commercial every now and then but I have no understanding about the differences of each type of med. I guess I'll find out once I get to the doctor.

 

I may PM you sometime if I have a question. Thanks for reaching out, it really means a lot. It's easy to feel alone when you can't turn to anyone. My boyfriend really doesn't understand and I can't expect him to understand because you can't unless you've been there. But I'm looking forward to talk to my father and see what he says.

 

Thanks again

[Oasis_Fan]

TexasGrl:

 

Thanks for your post.

 

It's good to know that there's help out there. But because I have such little knowledge of anxiety meds, I've heard a lot of bad things about them too. I've heard that you have to take them everyday for the rest of your life because when you stop, the anxiety comes back. I've also heard that it doesn't always help your anxiety and you need to keep increasing your dosage for it to work. I've also heard that there are some bad side effects.

 

Some of that may not be true, but I don't have much knowledge about it. The fact that my father takes meds and he still has panic attacks makes me wonder if meds would help much at all? But like I said, I haven't talked to him about it yet so I don't really know how meds are for him.

 

But it's cool to know that I'm not the only one going through this. It's hard because you can't control your feelings/actions as much as you want to. It's so frustrating. Exhausting.

[eatpraylove]

Glad I could help.

 

In my case, I take an anti-depressant to control the "Symptoms" of my depression which altho i do cry and feel low low, the overall bigger symptoms eventually become anxiety/panic and obsessive thinking and I too have had that disensitizing or unreal feeling as well, which would scare the crap out of me....like I was looking at an unreal world, things seemed far away to me or untouchable, out of sorts with reality.

 

Along with my antidepressant (which is a dual purpose, it treates depression and anxiety) I have at my disposal should i need it, an anti-anxiety medication specifically designed to "chill" me out if I get too worked up, which can still happen occassionally.

 

But overall, thanks to a good antidepressant and having read on the subject and what I can do to combat it and having gotten help through therapy where the topic was discussing my past and how it made me feel helpless and nervous and also discussing ways to change my thinking, i've made a major breakthrough on healing.

 

I am here for you. You will get through this. I'm glad it's helped having someone else that relates...when I went through it, I thought I would NEVER get better or be "normal", laugh again and that maybe I just didn't deserve to be happy but having other's that went thru it and helped me have patience with myself (as it takes years and years to get this way and it wont be overnight getting the cure), I slowly but surely, climbed my way out of that black hole!

 

Just be sure to see a "mental health" doc and not a gen practice or PA or someone not trained in depression/anxiety disorders. I was misdiagnosed because my initial doc was someone that treated me at a clinic when I had a major panic attack and gave me a heart medication and low dose anxiety med, which left me weak and w/ anxiety/depression, ugh.

 

Be good to yourself. Be patient and have hope you are going to get better, because you are.

[Oasis_Fan]

eatpraylove:

 

Thank you for your support. It's great to know it can get better. I know it's going to be a long road because just realizing that my anxiety was getting the better of me was a long hard road itself. I was obsessing like crazy. I thought I was fine and everyone else was out to get me. Everyone was trying to do me wrong. Then one night I was laying awake thinking and it just clicked, "Oh no, I have a real problem here..."

 

A part of me feels relieved that I even realized I have a problem. I'm lucky I didn't drive away the people that love me by acting paranoid, obsessive, moody, depressed, etc. Especially my boyfriend. He just thought I hated him. It's scary to not know what's wrong with you ...But now I just get frustrated when I still obsess over things and I tell myself, "Stop! It's your anxiety..." But I can't stop. I was hoping realizing I have anxiety would make me stop but it's not that easy.

 

I feel better than what I was. I'm still having a rough time which is why I wrote this post, but at least now I know there's something not right with me. I thought it was normal to be like this. It's really freaky when you have that epiphany.

 

Yeah, the detached feeling is really irritating. It's been going on for about 2 weeks straight now. I used to think that it was normal too until I read about it. It feels like I'm not awake and I'm not in control. I wish there was something I can do but I guess it comes with the anxiety -like everything else. But it's pretty bad. It kinda feels like your drunk or 'infuenced' in some way. I really don't like it. I can't wait for my doctor's appointment. He is a general doctor but he's really good and I don't have a counseller to see (it's not cheap!) so hopefully he can refer me to one.

 

One day at a time. Although it feels like a dream....