I want to stop having sex with him

[im sandra dee]

This man who I've been involved with sexually recently went overseas on vacation for nearly two weeks and now he's back and he called me, I guess for a hookup. During the time that he was gone, I came to the realization that I don't want to have sex with him anymore. It's not that I'm not interested or not attracted to him. He is very attractive and certainly he is an interesting man. But I have issues with him. He wants to find a partner, he says, but he doesn't think monogamy is realistic. He says that he thinks that an open relationship would work for him. I got involved with him because I needed to have sex quite simply and I knew going into it that he was wrong for me and I did it anyway. But right now the way it looks to me, I'm just not comfortable having sex with him anymore. If I did, I would worry that I'm going to catch an STI/STD from him. Honestly the way I've been feeling the past few weeks, I don't have much of a libido (not sure why) probably because I had some anxiety about catching something from him. I don't know. All I know is that I'll never be able to relax with him. I'll always worry that if I have sex with him that I might end up sick and you know, I've had enough health problems so far in my life (breast cancer last year) and I just don't want to take the chance. I'm not sure what to say to him. I would like to remain friends with him but in all honesty I don't see how realistic that would be. He and I weren't really friends when we had intercourse the first time. We were hooking up, that's all. But now that I've gotten to know him a bit, well I like him and would like to remain friends. But not friends with benefits. I can't do that. How do I tell him? Should I tell him why? Honesty is good, sure, but really do I owe him any explanations? I hardly know him.

[SpottiOtti]

Just put him off when he calls or texts. Tell him you're busy. You don't owe him an explanation, and if you just decline to hang out with him, he'll get the message.

 

If he doesn't, and asks you upfront what the deal is, just tell him you decided you didn't want a FWB at this time. You don't have to go into any more detail than that.

[RedDress]

Why not just have an open discussion with him?

 

"You know... I really don't think we are looking for the same things. I respect that you want an open relationship and all that... but it's just not for me. I've been thinking about it and I think I'm done with the whole sex thing. I really don't see it going to a place I feel comfortable with"

 

I hate the avoid-y thing.

[stay_positive]

Just tell him how you feel. If you can sill be friends, great. If not, then just move on. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to tell him. You don't necessarily have to mention the STDs, you can just say you don't want friends with benefits. Wish you the best!

[mad rabbits]

I could be wrong but my guess is, it started with sex it ends there, he would have no interest in a friendship with you.

 

Why do you want to be friends with him exactly?

 

FWBs do not need to be informed of any termination of the arrangement. No respect or communication is intrinsic to that kind of relationship - so it perfectly fine to just stop responding.

[perth_man87]

I agree with a few of the posters here. Just say you're not really looking for that sort of relationship anymore but you still want to be friends. If he doesn't go for it then all you will lose is a FWB really- you like his friendship but he doesn't sound like a big part of your life. Do what makes you happy.

[lavenderdove]

This is really simple... you just tell him you had a lot of fun, but you've decided FWB is not what you're interested in, and also his need for an open relationship would never work with you because you want a traditional relationship, so though you enjoyed your time together, it is best to just move on.

 

Then you just don't respond to texts etc. Friendship is optional and no reason to stay friends with a guy who isn't offering you what you want, and where there is too much history to just be friends and nothing else.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Why do you want to be friends with him? I don't think a friendship is worth pursuing. It's a lot of work and a lot of temptation.

 

Next time he calls for your to come over, tell him that your feelings have changed and you want to try something else in your life. Be nice to him but direct.

[im sandra dee]

I am the type of person who likes to be honest.

Yet, I am tempted in this situation to do nothing at all.

I managed to avoid hooking up with him when he got back from his vacation because I've been sick with the flu and didn't want to pass it on to him.

He asked me to keep him posted when I feel better, he said, he wants to come visit me.

Perhaps if I choose not to keep him posted, then I won't have to deal with him at all?

He should get the message, right?

[Jd1983]

Yes, he should get the point.

 

However, if he comes around again, just let him know that you are on different pages, and you're not looking for a fling. Tell him that it was fun while it lasted and that's that. Otherwise, you really don't owe him an explanation.

[Batya33]

I am the type of person who likes to be honest.

Yet, I am tempted in this situation to do nothing at all.

I managed to avoid hooking up with him when he got back from his vacation because I've been sick with the flu and didn't want to pass it on to him.

He asked me to keep him posted when I feel better, he said, he wants to come visit me.

Perhaps if I choose not to keep him posted, then I won't have to deal with him at all?

He should get the message, right?

 

Nothing to deal with - just a simple sentence "I am not comfortable having sex with you anymore but thanks for offering to come visit". If he says he wants to remain friends tell him it would be nice to casually stay in touch by e-mail but things have been very busy lately and you're not sure you have time for a real friendship."

 

If you're the type of person who likes to be honest (and that is not the same as being open or oversharing), make sure you are honest with yourself and when you are honest with yourself, act in your own best interests, not out of some notion that you need sex so badly you should have casual sex with a man who could give you an STD.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I am the type of person who likes to be honest.

Yet, I am tempted in this situation to do nothing at all.

I managed to avoid hooking up with him when he got back from his vacation because I've been sick with the flu and didn't want to pass it on to him.

He asked me to keep him posted when I feel better, he said, he wants to come visit me.

Perhaps if I choose not to keep him posted, then I won't have to deal with him at all?

He should get the message, right?

 

I feel like that's sort of unfair. He didn't cheat on you or treat you wrong, so, it's sort of unjust punishment to just disappear without a trace. He doesn't know if you found another, got mad at him for some reason, or got sick.

 

Would you like someone you cared about as a friend (and was sexually invested in) to just leave you in the dark and stop talking to you?

[im sandra dee]

I feel like that's sort of unfair. He didn't cheat on you or treat you wrong, so, it's sort of unjust punishment to just disappear without a trace. He doesn't know if you found another, got mad at him for some reason, or got sick.

 

Would you like someone you cared about as a friend (and was sexually invested in) to just leave you in the dark and stop talking to you?

 

No matter what this man is or isn't to me, I've decided that I am going to tell him the truth the next time that I see him. I've been through so much and don't want to get sick again and I plan to tell him that. I suppose all he can do is respect my wishes after I tell him that. Who wouldn't?