Done some bad things to get info on the ex...help me move on

[Technical Support]

Hi all…im 3 ½ months into my girlfriend leaving me. Some of you may have read my previous post from a while back but basically she pulled the "how do I know you're the right guy unless I date around". I am 26 and she 21 and this was the first serious relationship for both of us…and it ended after almost three years.

 

So im of course still healing and mostly getting over wanting her back. I had access to her voicemail for her cell phone, and old email address and bank account info so that I could see how much money she had (let me explain). She left me after getting $7000 from her family, and had been rumored to have hooked up with the guy I was worried about from the beginning. She wouldn't confirm that she was interested in him and actually told me that he was like a "little brother" to her.

 

I will admit that I listened to her cell phone messages for confirmation that she was dating that other guy, as well as checking her balance once in a while to see if she would spend the money as fast as I thought she would. She did, its almost all gone now.

 

Last week I went and changed the password to her cell phone which she will never know about because you don't need it to check your messages from your phone, and threw away her bank info so that I couldn't access it anymore. Im not normally that needy for information but she wouldn't tell me why she was really leaving and left me in such limbo that I felt that I needed these sources for info. I was a prisoner to these tidbits of info and finally have broken free from them.

 

Now a question…as I come to the realization that she has left me for another man which to me is such a messed up thing to do I have this craving for her life to go badly…like the car that she bought when we broke up…its dead now…and when she told me I couldn't help but smile and try not to laugh over the phone. Is it wrong for me to wish upon her and her new boyfriend ill fate? I don't want them to be harmed or anything like that…but I do wish upon her an unhappy life for the near future at least.

 

This was my first breakup and from what I gather from talking to people, I wont truly move on until I don't care what happens to her, rather it be good things or bad…only when it doesn't matter to me will I have truly moved on. Does that make sense? Any tips on how to make it through this vengeful period in my life?

 

*** Im not a creep or anything for trying to get info about her before…She really left me with no explanation and I couldn't handle it…but I do recommend that if you have access to info like I did…get rid of it…its really helps***

[brokenpogostick]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Being left for someone else has got to suck, especially in the manner that you were left...with no explanation...that's shallow and rude of her.

 

i would say that a lot of people feel the same way you do about not wanting future relationships with other people to be happy or to survive, but on the other hand...would you really want her back after what she's done to you so far?

 

I would say try to get a new hobby, workout, etc, something to get your mind off it. i also agree that getting rid of that stuff was a good idea. I think that you had a certain right to know what was going on based on the fact that she gave you nothing to go on as to why she left. sounds like it was for the best though.

[kali171]

You went through a stage - the obsessive ex - that I think that tempts many people after they've just broken with their significant others. But the important thing is that you've moved passed that. By throwing away her bank information and changing her voicemail password, you show that she has been a negative presense in your life for the past 3 1/2 months and more importantly, that you don't want her there anymore because she makes you hurt so much.

 

It's normal to grieve and cry, but at some point, you will realize that living life down because of one event is not worth living, and you will turn up again - believe me. It's happened to many people besides you and they all turn out fine.

 

What you need is faith in yourself that you can live without her - and the best thing to do is create some space between her and yourself. Space is what you need.

[EatZ]

I can totally relate to being a prisoner of these tidbits of information. These windows into their life.

 

I myself was checking my ex's blog (also known as a "web log", or an online diary) every day after the break-up. Of course, I was checking it daily before the break-up too, but my reason for checking it after was only in the hope that I'd see something that I wanted to hear. Like that she was feeling as depressed and upset about the break-up as I was. That she missed me. Perhaps even that she still loved me. Yet every time -- without fail -- there was an update mentioning how well she was doing and how great the boyfriend was.

 

I'd fall apart. It was literally like being sent back to square one each and every time. It hurt tremendously.

 

To anyone that reads thread, I completely agree with what Technical Support recommends. If you have access to these sorts of information, get rid of them NOW, or at least make it difficult for you to access them. The constant reconfirmation that, (A) They're happy without you, or (B) They're seemingly not thinking about you anymore, will only make you feel awful. Trust me, I know. Ignorance is bliss in this case...

 

As for your question, is it normal to feel anger towards the ex? Perhaps even bitter?

 

OF COURSE!

 

If anything, you have a RIGHT to be angry and hope that they're as miserable as you are. Anger is actually one of the six stages of grief and loss. Of course, these feelings can't go on forever, but it is part of the healing process, you don't have to deny the feelings you have. You're allowed to feel anger for what's happened to you and find comfort in hoping they're as miserable as you are. It's almost a case of doing (or thinking) what you have to to get by.

 

There is one VERY important point to note though. Don't take revenge of any sort. Don't send a spiteful email, or a dozen dead roses, or this or that and everything else... This part is key.

 

You pretty much know the answer to all your questions already. Like you said, there will come a time when you eventually won't care if she's happy or unhappy anymore. By that stage you'll either be able to let go of your resentment for her, or the feelings will have already passed.

 

Good on you for taking healing into your own hands by refusing to succumb to her voicemail and checking her bank balance. I made the same decision myself a few weeks ago, and things have only been getting better.

 

Keep it up!

[Hopingpraying]

I completely agree with what EatZ is saying. And as for the revenge factor that is definitely not helpful. Thinking bad things in and of themselves is not a bad thing, but acting on them or verbally communicating that to the EX is not a good idea. It does not help an already bad situation.

I'm my case wishing bad things on my EX is not a good idea because of my daughter. Whatever would negatively effect my wife would negatively affect my daughter. And I want nothing bad to happen to my daughter.

I find myself wishing that my wife would met a guy that treats her badly, but if my wife gets involved with someone like that and I find them treating my daughter badly I don't think I would react well to that. Ultimately the best situation is for time to heal the wounds and both of you be able to carry on at least a civilized conversation.

I also think it is more frustrating for my wife that I am as nice as I am to her. She has been trying to make me out to be this rotten person for so long and by me being nice as can be I think that frustrates her more than if she could say see, I am justified in what I am doing. I think her family and friends are looking at her like she is crazy because she is saying all this stuff about me and I just continue to be respectful and nice...

 

Kill them with kindness is my Moto....

[kate111]

Eatz,

 

What are the 6 stages of grief?

 

Im just curious to path my own progress.

[EatZ]

Hi Kate!

 

There are several different opinions on exactly how many stages there are and what goes on (emotionally) during them. Usually the debate is between there being 5 or 6 stages, but the book I read taught me that there are 6 stages and their descriptions were pretty accurate. They are:

 

Shock - Disbelief and numbness, marked by difficulty with eating, sleeping, and general functioning.

 

Hope - Active attempts, negotiations, and manipulations, designed to try and win the lover back.

 

Anger - Outward expressions of animosity directed towards the lover.

 

Despair - Inward direction of emotions, including depression and self-doubt.

 

Indifference - No significant emotional response to lover.

 

Growth - Feelings can be expressed in a positive way and transferred to a new relationship.

 

One thing to note is that you'll find yourself moving in and out of these stages constantly, and in seemingly no particular order. This is VERY common, so if some days your feeling fantastic and crap the next, don't despair!

[Technical Support]

Ok im in the anger phase right now...hoping to move on from that quickly...

 

I do still have bookmarks for all her xanga friends...I think I might have to buy net nanny and ban myself from those sites in order to protect my self.

 

Then today I hear from my mom (who works at the same place I do) that she overheard someone at work saying that they saw my ex-gf and she looked pregnant...now my ex weighted about 110lbs so its not like she's big and could hide it...my ex always said that she didnt want children and so its very confusing to hear that she might be pregnant just three months after our breakup...if she is then it very well could be my child or it could be the guy she's with now. I have no idea what to do about it...contact no contact? I mean im really confused about the whole thing, should I Just keep on living as if she's not pregnant?

 

***Currently in the confused stage***

[kali171]

Rumors often come 3rd or 4th hand, and they are often "edited" along the way. Don't get caught up in it.

 

I know you're confused and angry, but this is very normal and it is ok to feel this way.

 

If this no contact thing is going to continue, perhaps you need to tell those around her that you don't want to hear about her. No contact is one of the only roads to Not caring, and as hard as it may be, trying to find out more information about her will only hurt you more.

 

Suppose your ex is pregnant, and she is pregnant with your child. It is still her right and responsibility to contact you with the information and until then, you should assume she is not pregnant. Do not fall into believing gossip, for it is often false.

[beattie]

I'm hearing these stories of people checking up on their exes, and I can totally relate. When I was still with my ex, I did checking up on him to make sure that he was totally faithful to me. Even though he came out clean and completely passed the test (which he didn't know he was taking), I knew deep down that I was behaving in a self-destructive manner. Instead of making me feel at peace, it actually made me become more possessive and obsessive.

There is an old saying "you can behave your way to success". I started to behave my way to success by cutting all the technical ties to the internet access I was using to check up on him. I moved my focus to other things, like writing to girlfriends, looking up websites of interest, and reading about all the daily world events in the news. (trust me, there's a whole world out there!) And actually, when you throw yourself into learning about things like the humanitarian crisis in Sudan, the refugees and assylum seekers in Australia, Saddam Hussein, the situation in Iraq, and the environment, you'll quickly realise that your little ol' breakup is actually quite small and insignificant compared with the plight of others in the world. You'll also realise that there are other things to think about, rather than concentrate on your break-up 100% of the time, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Wake up and look around you!!!

 

Since my break-up, I have 'behaved my way to success' by restricting myself to only checking my e-mail account on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. I also only check my phone once a day. It really works!

[skeeter]

TECHNICAL SUPPORT...... MAN I really have to say I know what you are talking about here and you are definitely not alone.

 

My obsessive acts are lengthy and would take too much typing to tell you all of it. If you want to hear what I went through I'd be more then happy to share it with you via yahoo IM....... just say the word...

 

But really take EatZ's advice here for he has it all so clear in words what everyone will or can go through during the stages of recovery.

 

Do you know my Ex still can't admit her bf is her bf... She says he is just a friend and we are divorced. My daughter however, tells me the truth and all I can say is WOW I would never reconsider ever seeing myself with her ever again for the simple reason she just can't be honest.

 

I am now healed and moving on. Still have some memories on and off but I keep telling myself life is too short and I don't want to relive it all over again with her knowing what she did to me. And walla that's it all it takes now.

 

I am now engaged to a Filipino. She lives in the Philippines so our distant relationship gives me the time to continue to build my independence as well as get to know her real well before we get married. The distance keeps us away from the physical part of the relationship which is actually a great thing. Sometimes the physical part of the relationship becomes to dependent on early into a relationship and this alone can cause problems.

 

Good Luck to you man.... my ears are open if you need to talk...

[mochaleet]

Yup, just googled my ex tonight, which I was sooo good about not doing. Fell off the damned wagon, when I almost had perfect behavior. Think though, (and I will tell you, recent breakups after serious relationships bring on irrational behavior), when do you do this? When are you most likely to slip/romanticize an ex who was probably REALLY bad for us in the first place?

Or ultimately made us crazy/irrational/insecure/not ourselves?

 

In my case it was after a party, in which, of course, I expected to seduce every other guy there and MAKE UP for how dissatisfying my relationship was with the ex. And after searching for him on this dating website that I knew he was on, I found out he had suspended his account. And knowing him, it was probably b/c he has already moved on. Which is like rubbing alcohol in my veins.

 

I say, just realize that breakups make us a little crazy for a while. We will feel hopeless, unattractive, undesirable, desperate, and just plain horrible for a while. Then we will feel liberated, i.e. thank God the @$%$^%^ is out of my life! Good riddance. The hardest part is living with the romanticization of the ex, b/c you're not "moving on" fast enough. Because you haven't replaced them fast enough. Because they aren't blipped out of your memory fast enough. But that's not how it works all of the time. As EATZ wrote, the stages of grief go back and forth. But at least, when you're tapping into your ex's e-mail, ask yourself, "Why am I doing this?" "What is triggering this curiosity?" "What unresolved emotions do I help to satiate by doing something that could set me back 3 weeks/months/years"? In my case, it was a sense of hopelessness that I would never find someone better. But he wasn't good to me, consistently, he criticized me repeatedly and was manic. That's just not good enough for me, and if I have to go to many more "unsuccessful" parties and don't find an immediate replacement at least I'm out of something that would have sent me to a hospital, most likely mental.

[auburnslp]

excellent post mochaleet...and don't worry about falling off the wagon, as you said...stumbles are a normal part of all this...but it sounds like you have your head on straight...and are looking forward...and don't worry about an unsuccessful night out either...be careful now...maybe it is not time to be out so available...don't settle sweet...be patient...you deserve the best...I spent last night alone too...sucks, but I know that if I just hang in there, the best will open up for me...

 

Good luck sweet, and be strong...everything is going to turn out just fine, if you allow it to...Michael

[mochaleet]

Yeah, I woke up with quite the emotional hangover. Thanks for the encouragement.

[Mun]

Mochaleet, I totally hear you.

 

Just a couple of days ago I realized that I had to cut off some of "our" mutual online friends. They are friends he has in his world, but I have never met in person--and I never want to meet them.

 

Over the last few months they have gone from asking me who I'm dating to telling me how he is now in a relationship that he is "settling" for because I never made up my mind. How damaging is that? and totally untrue. ( he was committment phobe) I saw this as totally immature on their part--as I have a feeling he is involved in the "news flashes"--he tends to play this way because I think I intimidate him ( gee how could that be? )

 

Anyway, I deleted my aol screen name that they had access to and it felt so good to do that--they don't have my phone numbers--only he does. I figure if he has something to say he knows where and how to find me, but I won't be a slave to the tidbits of information anymore.

 

Funny how one small move could change my whole outlook. I feel sooooo happy now and have for the past couple of days. Taking control back really did it for me.

 

Um.. I didn't give any advice... I just wanted to share

[mochaleet]

I know how hard it is, what you did, but good for you. Very adult, muneca, and not easy, I'm sure. Moving forward is harder than lingering in the past, (well, that depends of course) but you are so brave. Keep it up.

[Mun]

Yay for me!

 

Thanks Mochaleet...I have been doing good so far.

 

I am really a very private person, but have been feeling that I should share a bit with everyone so you all know that I'm there too. Not a know-it-all pointing fingers...heh