Apparently They Will Move on When You do NC

[baxxter]

Hope my title grabbed some attention.

 

I am on NC to get over my ex, but as I am kind of a person who always forgives I might take him back if he comes back with better understanding.

 

Anyway, was talking to quite a few people about my BU, and many male friends of mine basically said;

 

1. Don't do NC for too long, he will think you are no longer interested.

2. If you want another chance you have to let him know.

 

I am doing NC for myself, so I thanked them and haven't listened to them, but 1 of the guys who said those are actually in on/off relationship and said,

 

"I wouldn't have gone back if she didn't call me first. I only went back because I knew she still wanted me."

 

Another said the same thing from his past relationship.

 

I just found that interesting. I wonder if my ex has moved on? (Don't really care at this point.)

[lostnscared]

I disagree. If the person wants you back they will come back no matter if you are NC or not. Yes, sometimes people take NC to the extreme and they never answer their ex's calls, texts or emails, and so the ex moves on. But typically if the person LOVES you and WANTS to be with you, he/she will come back even if you've NC.

 

I think these guys are speaking from their experiences.

 

With my ex, this isn't our first break up. But in the past he would contact me after three weeks of NC. the last break up we had, he didn't call me, I called him--and he told me that if I wouldn't call he would've moved on.

 

so this time it's been 5 weeks. And he called to get my number from a friend. I call your friend on bluff. I think that "pride" may be a huge factor for SOME people but for most if you want to be with your so, you'll do what it takes to get them back.

[LAYAAN]

I broke it off with my ex mid Dec 2009. He never came back. Never showed a desire to reconcile. I guess he wanted to break it off too, probably he just never gathered courage to. His friend says he is "bottled up". I didn't go back either because we had fundamental issues and going back means being okay with the differences or being able to take things at his pace. I wasn't okay with that.

I believe the longer the NC goes, the lesser the chances of reconciliation.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Whoever broke it off is the one that needs to make the moves if they want to get back together.

 

Nearly complete NC for me (except he called me 3-4 times during our several month breakup) and he came back on his own.

 

I focused on healing. If he comes back, he comes back.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Person X breaks up with Person Y because Person X is bored with the relationship, fell out of love..etc etc. It is the responsibility of Person X to contact person Y if a reconciliation is to happen. Why should Person Y keep the lines of communication open with somone who rejected her/him. If NC is enough to make the dumper move on then the dumper never had any interest in reconciling. If the dumper wants the ex back NC will not be a deterrent. It is only dumpers with major ego issues, who, in this kind of dumping scenario, would expect the dumpee to show pining and interest.

[jimmajam]

As a guy if I dumped someone and they didn't contact me for a long time I would assume they moved on. That's what happens when you don't talk for a long time, it's bound to happen eventually. With that said it wouldn't stop me from reach out if I wanted to try again or get to know that person again. So I don't think it really matters. It's so easy to say, but it really does come down to if the dumper is willing or wanting to try again.

 

I don't think it matters who breaks no contact. After a while, when you're healed, no contact becomes pointless.

[lostnscared]

As a guy if I dumped someone and they didn't contact me for a long time I would assume they moved on. That's what happens when you don't talk for a long time, it's bound to happen eventually. With that said it wouldn't stop me from reach out if I wanted to try again or get to know that person again. So I don't think it really matters. It's so easy to say, but it really does come down to if the dumper is willing or wanting to try again.

 

I don't think it matters who breaks no contact. After a while, when you're healed, no contact becomes pointless.

 

I agree. I think sometimes if you do NC for too long it may be overkill. On the same hand I think that a majority of the time if the dumper wants it to work--they won't let the Nc stop them.

 

But it very much depends on the dumper. I don't want to say that ALL dumpers will overlook their pride and contact their so after months of Nc. Because some won't--some will assume that person moved on and never contact them again. But as a rule of thumb, I'd say that the dumpee should always let the dumper be the one to break no contact.

[iBroken]

This thread is an example of why no two reconciliation stories on this board are ever the same.

 

Going NC may make your ex move on - this has already been established. NC isnt for them....its for you. Its not a waiting game. Its to adjust with life without that person. Its to adjust to getting back to you. Its about letting go and to look back and reflect on whether or not the relationship was even a good thing.

 

As for this "I wouldn't have gone back if she didn't call me first. I only went back because I knew she still wanted me.", he is saying he had no desire to go back to her. He just did cause she was there and still wanted him. Straight up Back Up plan.

 

Im not sure about you, but Im no ones back up plan.

[biggerheart]

I think them dumping you indicates that they would like to move on. It seems like they had that in mind long before people decide to go NC. If not, they would stay in the relationship.

[Brownstone322]

Baxxter, beware of dogmatic replies to your reasoning. There's no scientific data on this kinda thing, and, anecdotally speaking, you hear a little bit of everything on this topic.

 

I agree with cutting off contact for some indefinitely defined period of time for personal "healing"; it's like withdrawal from a drug addiction. After that ... who knows? Outcomes are all over the map.

[soul12]

NC is for healing yourself.

 

Sooo if you are healed why couldn't you just talk to the person. I don't believe in cutting someone out forever but hey who knows, maybe by the time you are fully healed that person wouldn't really cross your mind. I think what I am trying to say is, who cares about the chances of reconciliation with NC. The idea behind NC is solely to better you. So if the other person chooses to leave forever, their loss.

[vertigoxo]

I think after a certain amount of time (3 months of NC and the dumper hasn't contacted you yet.) it would be safe to assume that they're over you and have moved on with their lives. Or at least, they believe you have moved on and are forced to move on as well.

 

That's why we have that "90 days challenge" around here somewhere. 3 months is a nice little bundle of time and space from your ex to get your acts together and at least be a little over them. If you are a dumpee and want to reconcile and it's been 3 months, break NC casually. If you just want to move on, then don't do it. Simple.

[soul12]

I think after a certain amount of time (3 months of NC and the dumper hasn't contacted you yet.) it would be safe to assume that they're over you and have moved on with their lives. Or at least, they believe you have moved on and are forced to move on as well.

 

That's why we have that "90 days challenge" around here somewhere. 3 months is a nice little bundle of time and space from your ex to get your acts together and at least be a little over them. If you are a dumpee and want to reconcile and it's been 3 months, break NC casually. If you just want to move on, then don't do it. Simple.

 

Well said

[SmilingKatty]

I think after a certain amount of time (3 months of NC and the dumper hasn't contacted you yet.) it would be safe to assume that they're over you and have moved on with their lives. Or at least, they believe you have moved on and are forced to move on as well.

 

That's why we have that "90 days challenge" around here somewhere. 3 months is a nice little bundle of time and space from your ex to get your acts together and at least be a little over them. If you are a dumpee and want to reconcile and it's been 3 months, break NC casually. If you just want to move on, then don't do it. Simple.

 

What do you than think about reconciliations happening after longer time than 3 months?

[vertigoxo]

What do you than think about reconciliations happening after longer time than 3 months?

 

It can and does happen. Again, at that point, both the dumper and dumpee's emotions have calmed down a bit and can talk like adults (unless it was a very messy break up, then in that case, why go back to the drama?) and see where things go from there.

 

As to who should break NC after 3 months, again, if the dumpee can handle it, they can go ahead and break it. If they can't, or want to move on, or want their dumper to do it first... Then see if you can handle a few more months of NC. If your dumper breaks it at this time, great! If not, break it yourself or consider moving on.

 

Honestly, there's no definite timeline, as every break up is different. But 3 months, again, is a considerably good chunk of time for healing and for the dumper to experience life without the dumpee, and see for themselves if it's what they want or not.

[biggerheart]

What do you than think about reconciliations happening after longer time than 3 months?

 

I think it has a better likelihood of working. Hopefully, both people are coming from a place of having healed and maybe thought about changing. Reconciliation doesn't work at any time if when you get back together all the old problems are still there.

[SmilingKatty]

I think it has a better likelihood of working. Hopefully, both people are coming from a place of having healed and maybe thought about changing. Reconciliation doesn't work at any time if when you get back together all the old problems are still there.

Thank you Now only if I could really believe that... The wait is really horrible...

[biggerheart]

If you send time waiting, you are really hurting yourself. First, you will not be able to get them off your mind and all the pain, but you lose the opportunity do improve yourself. And improve is so broad and has nothing to do with him. A lot of people work out, I took some cooking classes, buy the rosetta stone I had been putting off. Reconnect with people. Go to movies he never would. Dwelling on him does not really allow you to heal.

[SmilingKatty]

I know, thank you, biggerheart. It has been four months and I feel a lot better and improved ( ), but I still think about him a lot... I have half a year (studying abroad) to decide what I really want - by then I will either be over him or I will try to reconcile...

The thing that worries me is that the long wait is destroying my chances (we were together only for 6 months). If I could, I would contact him now, get some results (doesn't matter whether positive or negative - it would at least be something and in worse case I would finally get over the still present hope and go on with my life without useless hope)

[LizS]

No contact vs. low contact is something I'm struggling with right now. My current ex split up with me 7 weeks ago, and has been dating someone new for 3 weeks.

When we first split up, we were constantly in contact, and he was persistent that we be friends, until I decided to go no contact out of frustration because of his mixed signals. I was tried of being emotionally pushed around. One day he'd want to cuddle and was emotional, the next, he acted like he didn't want me around.

 

No contact is great for me right now, as it has given me alot of time to think about things and have my own life and think with my head. He reached out to me last week, but I hasn't made an effort again, although I know he will. I do believe that if I continue strict no contact, and ignore him forever, that he will not come back, even if he wanted to. He wouldn't even try to be friends. He'll think I have moved on and hate him. He would not risk hurting himself at that point, even if he realized he made a mistake and wanted me back. At some point, if I ever want him back and for him to see a chance in me, there has to be some contact. I will not be his best buddy, but I believe there has to be some contact in my situation if I ever want another chance. Every situation is different, of course. My ex and I had a pretty amicable break, with minimal begging from me. Good relationship, but went stale and he likely wanted some excitement.

 

In a past situation, a different ex left me. I begged and cried at first, but then went no contact. He casually dated someone else and it did not work. After a year of no contact, we started hanging out and being friends. It was totally clear he was not over me and wanted me back. After 3 months or so of spending alot of time together as friends, we got back together. In my opinion, it's a huge risk for a dumper to make that leap and try again with someone. This ex has told me that the reason they wanted to try again was because I seemed to genuinely care about them when we started hanging out again.

Of course, the new girlfriend with my current ex makes my situation more complicated. But I do think that in some cases, contact is just fine. No contact is necessary at first, to think and heal, but I know alot of guys that would not go back to a girl that acted like she didn't care about him at all and went strict no contact forever, even if they really wanted another chance.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[juststephen]

My girlfriend broke up with me about 2 weeks ago now and I spent the first 1.5 weeks basically following the 'stupid stuff' script and being needy/pathetic etc. (incidentally we work together and on the same small team so that's made things a tad harder). Then I began LC with contact limited to just a polite 'good morning' and strictly work-related project items. While suspicious prior to the breakup, I've since confirmed cheating for well over 8 months on her part too, so additional salt for my wounds. So far LC seems to be working, and in a work IM yesterday, after a brief work question was answered and a 40 second pause, she sent:

 

Her: so are we back to not speaking

Her: that has never felt good and it still doesn't

Me: i'm trying to fix myself at the moment and chit-chatting like friends isn't helpful for me

Her: ok

 

The reason I post this is that I feel like I'm starting to regain the higher ground now. I am however concerned with doing NC/LC for too long, but I am at the beginning stages and I'm confident I can keep this up for a while without her really going anywhere or giving up completely.

 

Based on what I've read in other threads is it possible that there is a fundamental difference between men and women, at a very general level of course (not accounting for individual personalities), with how NC/LC is taken? Would the dumper care less or even just 'give up' if on the receiving end of NC/LC from the dumpee for a shorter period of time, if that dumper were male?

[bwhite00]

Juststephen, she cheated on you bro. The ultimate disrespect, the one unforgivable offense in my book. She did this for an extended period of time?

 

Ignore her forever and completely. Not to 'get her back' but to heal your mind. I cannot fathom how painful that would be.