Should I give up?

[Skylark89]

So....let me just say...I've never really had a boyfriend. I feel lame, considering I'm almost 26. *hangs head low*

 

I have had my first kiss (3rd year in college), and it was horrrrrrrrrrible. I dated the guy for about 2 days; then, I ended it (to which he said it's mutual and then, tried to make it out that he dumped me) because he was a jerk. Not only did he complain about my kissing and basically, just want sex (to which I wasn't gonna give in...I'm the type that wants to wait until after marriage), I also found out he was sleeping with my best friend during that time. Can you believe I was friend's with this guy before we "hooked up" (if that's what you can call it)? What was I thinking? What a jerk...

 

Anyway...now, a few years later...I'm working at a school in another country. There's a guy that I met, last October. He's my co-worker but works in a different department (so he has a different boss.) I'm going to call him Tom. Tom's native language isn't English, but he can speak okay; and I can speak his language okay...so we don't really have any communication problems. I didn't think of Tom in any romantic way until we started talking more often. Before Christmas, it seemed as if he began to come to my office more to talk to me. (For example, Tom said he came up to confirm about something when someone from his department had just called me about it 15 minutes before.) Also, it seemed Tom would come around whenever I was in the copy room. Well, my officemate began to notice and I know he mentioned it to one of my other co-workers.

 

After that, I noticed Tom wasn't coming to my office anymore...and I didn't see him as often. However when I did see Tom (or vice versa), we would try to chat. Also, when I realized I was starting to like him, I kinda began to get nervous around him....so sometimes, I would look at Tom and then, look down or something. (I'm shy, but try to push myself out of my shell...also, I have this habit of getting nervous around guys I like....so maybe, I sometimes begin to avoid them...but I've really been trying to work on that.) Oh yeah...not to mention, Tom heard my reply when my students asked me if I thought he's handsome. (Apparently, he has a younger brother that my students know...and they think he and his brother are handsome.) I said, "I guess so..." to which he heard and came into my office all cheerful. (And my students pointed out that he had "cleaned up" his image from 5 min. before. lol.)

 

Anyway...after Christmas, I still saw Tom and we would talk...and he seemed to still try to talk to me often....but I felt like Tom wasn't coming around as much. I worried that it might be because he got into trouble with his boss...but I wasn't sure. So, I decided to be brave...and I sent Tom an e-mail. I basically told him how it seems we don't get to chat as often anymore so I asked him if he would want to meet for coffee or something. I ended up receiving a reply and Tom said he couldn't meet because he was going to be visiting his relatives. He also wrote that maybe, we can't because if students see us, it could be a problem...since students like to spread rumors. But Tom said whenever I have time, he'd like to chat.

 

Well, I kinda felt stupid for sending the e-mail after that. Maybe, I sort of avoided him for a day or two...and I didn't really feel like talking to him. Then, Tom approached me on the 3rd day and asked if I received his reply...to which I said yeah, and that I was going to reply that evening. Tom then, for some reason, had me follow him more into the "quieter" part of the hall, away from the office, and told me that we should go get ice cream or coffee or something sometime...and maybe, invite another co-worker so that's it's not a problem. He suggested another co-worker that I'm friends with. (Do you think he likes her?) Anyway, I told Tom I would still reply to his e-mail...which I did...but Tom never replied to mine. I didn't really know what to think then...so I was feeling kinda bad...and maybe, avoided him a bit... (By the way, the only e-mail I have is his work e-mail. I keep forgetting to ask if he has another e-mail.)

 

So now, more in the past 2 months, Tom seems to be trying to talk to me a lot more....like having longer conversations...for a while, it was usually short conversations (since I was busy and he was busy.) I found out from my co-worker (the one that chatted about me and Tom) that Tom's boss is actually pretty strict. (My co-worker was mad b/c our department wanted to borrow Tom for a presentation and Tom's boss said no...even though, it was only going to be for an hour and Tom had no special tasks or anything he had to do.) Things seem to be going pretty good...although, I tend to run away whenever someone from his department sees us talking. I worry that I may be getting him into trouble or that he will get into trouble. And he sometimes does the same thing. I was a bit surprised because last week, while we were talking in the copyroom, he mentioned how he was hungry and really wanted to eat ice cream. Do you think he's hinting back to previously when I asked? I didn't know what to think...and I was afraid of getting turned down again if I said, "Let's go eat ice cream!"...and I wasn't sure if that's what he was wanting me to say. What do you think about all this?

 

Now, here's the twist. My contract will be ending soon and won't be renewed b/c my position is no longer needed. So, I'm trying to find a new job here. If I don't find one by my deadline, then I will have to return to the U.S. Part of me wants to stay b/c of him and part of me wants to stay b/c I want to. I wonder if he'd actually hang out more if I stay and I am working somewhere else....although, maybe it's a long shot. I mean, as of now, we still don't hang out outside of work. So I'm wondering, should I just give up on it? I don't know what to do...

 

Also, last week, word began to spread about me leaving. (Of course, my students and my department knew...but the other departments didn't know.) I'm worried that if he finds out, he'll just give up on me.

 

Sorry, I wrote a lot. Thanks for reading.

[sara-pezzini]

oh this reminds me so much of my own story with my boyfriend lol

yes i think the icecream comment was a hint from him and yes i think he might be interested but not sure because your behaviour might confuse him...

now you really don't have anything to lose since your leaving there, i say mail him one more time and tell him about your contract and if he now still thinks you two can't meet up because of gossip...or remind him of that ice cream, or say how much you would like ice cream,he'll figure it out!

maybe what held him back was that you both work there, as was the case with me too, but that's going to change and if he knows that he may decide he wants to get to know you and see where it leads...

my boyfriend was also so scared of office gossip and held of until he knew his contract wouldn't be renewed, that's when he asked me out and we have been together ever since.....

good luck i hope it works out!!

mail him!!!

[Skylark89]

But what about the whole issue of me having to return to my country, if I can't find a new job? Should I not worry about that and still ask him?

[sara-pezzini]

i missed that part the first time!

i agree it complicates things, could you find a new job there?is it easy to find work there? but more important do you like to stay?

then i'd say yes,you should still ask him but also tell him all this honestly and let him decide what he wants, if you leave and just don't say anything he might think you just didn't care, but if your honest who knows what could happen, you have nothing to lose!

[Bankkkai]

Yes, still ask him! Who knows, he might know someone who can help you get a job before you have to leave. Just don't set yourself up for regrets. Do it!

[MD Geist]

I think you really have to work on your self esteem a bit first before you call it quits or make a move.

 

I have worked on just about everything I can do and some of it is out of my hands. I gave up because some people are just not meant to have a girlfriend, I have to accept that I'm one of these people.

 

Women shouldn't have nothing to worry about being in this position that you are in but men there will always be a guy that looks more attractive, has more money than you do.

[sara-pezzini]

that's so not true...there are also always hotter women,better figure,nicer smile or whatever crap,but that should never stop you...

my boyfriend is gorgeous and i'm plain,but he still fell for me!!even though at first i thought he would never look at me, and he was and still is my first and only everything, first kiss, first sex,and that didn't happen until i was already well in my thirties,so there is hope for everyone,and also i was so very shy and insecure but still asked him out because the feelings were just too strong to ignore,but the first few years i was even too afraid to look in his eyes,so he had to be really patient lol....

[Skylark89]

Thanks, everyone, for your replies!! I really appreciate it!!

 

Well...I'm a little worried. I'm wondering if he's on vacation. I haven't seen him around the office, the past couple of days.

 

However, I still want to go ahead and send the e-mail. One of my mottos is to live with no regrets (as long as it doesn't harm me or anything.) Unfortunately, I only know his work e-mail so I'll have to send to that one.

 

Do one of you mind if I PM my e-mail to you? I want to get another's opinion before I send it off. I don't want to sound too desperate and such.

 

Thanks again!

[sara-pezzini]

you can always pm me!

[YakasJourney]

Since you could be leaving soon, you might try looking at this as an opportunity for a more fun, casual relationship. Go out for drinks or ice cream with him, let your hair down and stop worrying about every little thing he does or you do. I think you are over-analyzing this.

[Skylark89]

Thanks Sara!! I just pmed you.

[Skylark89]

So...I e-mailed him, but I haven't received a reply yet. I'm still going to give it a few days. I just hope he's not waiting to run into me, because then I'll feel really embarrassed.

 

Wish me luck!

[Skylark89]

Well, he replied. He didn't give an answer, though. He wants to know when I will leave. Should I reply right away or wait a day?

 

Also, I want to ask him if he has a different email...because right now, I'm writing to his work email...

[Skylark89]

Umm...I got antsy and replied. Haha. I started off friendly and then, I told him the date I leave. I didn't think I should ask again, "So, do you wanna meet...blah blah" I hope I didn't come off as desperate by replying the same day. He didn't reply yet...so...maybe, he'll reply tomorrow.