Some days are worse than others... today is one of those.

[Carnatic]

Some days I just feel so lonely and cast-adrift. Today, for whatever reason I miss her more than normal, and even when I'm not thinking of her I feel empty, isolated and lacking in motivation to do even the simplest things.

 

I think it's because I e-mailed her last night to suggest we do no-contact for a while. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but also we had started arguing again, and when we're arguing I feel the same sense of fear and loss as I felt when we were together and arguing and I started to fear I would lose her. It's like my emotions don't know she's not my girlfriend any more.

 

Also I don't want to watch her getting over me, enjoying herself with her new boyfriend etc. I know that because of the circumstances of the break-up (she had seen it coming from a long way off but it took my by surprise) she will get over it quicker than I am, there are already signs that she is getting over it. She has her down days too, I understand this, but it also brings me to the second reason I think we should do NC; I don't want to get my hopes up when she starts talking about thinking breaking up might have been a mistake. She said this last Saturday and I spend the whole week until we spoke again thinking she might change her mind, I don't want to go through that again.

 

Thanks for reading, anyone who read it all.

[DN]

I think you are doing the right thing. In general terms you need a positive reason to believe there might be a reconciliation and neither of you are in a position to think about that right now.

[Convict7]

There are those days, lonely and miserable. But over time they get few and far between. There was a time when hearing her name brought tears to my eyes, now I joke about those days and what a dork I was. For me, all the feelings will never be gone. Some people make such an impact on your life and will never be forgotten. But there comes a day when you have to give up or move on. I found peace in a lot of physical activities. I ride a bicycle 2.5mi a day, I play sports on my lunch breaks, most days I am too tired to be emotional.

 

You just need to keep thinking about what you need to feel better. Like you said, she is taking care of her and moving on, your job is to take care of you. Hang in there, the best thing for a broken heart is time.

[greywolf]

If you love her, then try your best to be happy for her.

[annie24]

I think NC is a good idea. You should give yourself some time to heal. Hang in there.

[iBroken]

If you love her, then try your best to be happy for her.

 

After she dropped him and moved on with someone else? Its too soon for Will to be told statements like this. This statement here is putting her before him when he is what is important (IMO)

 

Will, you did the right thing with NC. Just take some time for you right now. Who knows, maybe you guys can come back together as great friends, or you might find that once you have removed yourself from the situation, you wont want anything to do with her.

 

Ride out the waves and look out for number one.

[greywolf]

After she dropped him and moved on with someone else? Its too soon for Will to be told statements like this. This statement here is putting her before him when he is what is important (IMO)

 

Will, you did the right thing with NC. Just take some time for you right now. Who knows, maybe you guys can come back together as great friends, or you might find that once you have removed yourself from the situation, you wont want anything to do with her.

 

Ride out the waves and look out for number one.

 

It's not about putting her before him. Being happy for someone feels a lot better than being angry or hurt.

[Lamour detruit]

It's not about putting her before him. Being happy for someone feels a lot better than being angry or hurt.

 

Easier said than done. Doubt that will happen any time soon. Perhaps after the hurt has faded, which always takes a while.

 

Anyway, Keep the No contact..will be best for both of you.

[annie24]

Easier said than done. Doubt that will happen any time soon. Perhaps after the hurt has faded, which always takes a while.

 

Anyway, Keep the No contact..will be best for both of you.

 

it usually takes me YEARS to get to that stage.

 

first i usually go through sadness, anger, bitterness, and i slowly get over it. it's ok to get angry. not to stay in the angry and bitter phase but i think it's important.

[greywolf]

it usually takes me YEARS to get to that stage.

 

first i usually go through sadness, anger, bitterness, and i slowly get over it. it's ok to get angry. not to stay in the angry and bitter phase but i think it's important.

 

I suppose that doesn't really make sense to me because I've always wanted the people I love to be happy. I'm not saying that it doesn't hurt, because it does. But knowing they were happy always took the edge off the pain and helped me move on.

 

While I agree that during a break-up one needs to focus on themselves, it should not be taken to the point where one allows their broken pride and ego to hurt themselves even further.

[Carnatic]

Thanks for all your advice.

 

You're right about the anger, I know it's not a good thing and I know it's not justified and I know it only comes briefly and then goes away, but I'd be lying if I said I never felt it.

 

It's just things like she seems to be moving on so fast, she seems so happy and seems to miss me so little. It's stupid of me to think she shouldn't be happy and that she should be as torn up with loss as I am, but I don't want to deny her happiness Greywolf.

 

Those times when I do feel angry and resentful aren't really anything to bother about, so I occasionally feel them, I'm sure she occasionally feels resentful of me too for all the things I did to ruin what seemed to be a match made in heaven. It's human nature and it's best just to ignore and avoid them, and I think this is what NC will achieve best for us both.

[annie24]

and you know, it's ok to feel angry. it's totally human and i think it is part of the moving on process. i think it's bad when someone just thinks that their ex walked on water and has forgotten about the bad parts of the relationship. i would be angry if someone i dated moved on a day later. of course, your ex is my friend as well, so i don't want to say anything against her or whatever, but just saying - it's normal to feel angry after a breakup. maybe in the far future you'll be genuinely happy for her, but that day doesn't have to be today. or tomorrow.

 

i think that unfriending her on facebook was good. that helps the healing process as well.

[Carnatic]

Thanks. I'm glad you understand. I know how destructive it is but try as I might I can't simply be happy that she's happy, not because I would derive pleasure from thinking she was unhappy, but because I still love her, no matter how hard I try not to, and I can't be happy knowing that her life is better without me and she doesn't miss me, and some other guy is the lucky recipient of all her love now It's twisted, I know but it's how I feel.

[bluberry]

trust that things will get better with NC. i know it sucks to hear that time is the only thing that can fix it but its true. Right now is just the bad day.. just keep walking through it and you'll realise it can't last forever. Some days are good, some days are bad.. sadly that's life but it's a fact that everday can't be a bad day. I'm hitting 2mths and i've also still got my bad days but i've come to the relisation that they don't last forever..

 

it doesn't matter if you can't feel happy for her. Who cares about that now. Just care about yourself. Now is the time for you to pour that love back to yourself.

 

hang in there and stay strong!

[Ellie2006]

and you know, it's ok to feel angry. it's totally human and i think it is part of the moving on process. i think it's bad when someone just thinks that their ex walked on water and has forgotten about the bad parts of the relationship. i would be angry if someone i dated moved on a day later. of course, your ex is my friend as well, so i don't want to say anything against her or whatever, but just saying - it's normal to feel angry after a breakup. maybe in the far future you'll be genuinely happy for her, but that day doesn't have to be today. or tomorrow.

 

i think that unfriending her on facebook was good. that helps the healing process as well.

 

I agree with this. I dont think you should force yourself to NOT feel the anger. Saying "ULTIMATELY, I want my ex to be happy" is one thing, but I too think it's ok to acknowledge that "RIGHT NOW, I am angry and hurt from the break-up." The key is not to dwell on the anger and act on it. It's not going to help you one whit to ignore your emotions, though -- that will probably prolong the healing process.

 

And as many others pointed out, I think NC is best at the moment. If your ex is feeing ambivalent about the break-up, then she has to reach clarity about her feelings on her own. Plus, why rub salt on your own wounds by exposing yourself to her new relationship? That's totally unnecessary and self-destructive.

 

Like people suggested in the other thread, de-friend the ex, and focus on other constructive activities -- like job searching, exercising, dealing with those issues that you wanted with a professional, etc.

 

Good luck.

[Carnatic]

Thanks for all of is. The NC is 'official' now, she responded to my e-mail to say she is OK with NC and just to let me know how happy she is with her life and how great things are going with her new boyfriend (she acknowledged that it might not be pleasant to hear that).

 

I said that OK, maybe we'll be friends in the future, and maybe she'll hear from me again, but maybe not, I can't promise anything... I don't think she really cares about that though, word about how happy she is and how unaffected she seems to be leaks through to me from time to time. I wished her the best for her future.

 

I thought about my feelings a little more and it's not that I want her to be miserable. It just hurts that after all she meant to me, all the time she spent trying to 'get' me, all the time we spent together, I meant so little to her that she was just able to dump me and move on with her life completely unaffected by it and meet someone new within a day or two.

 

It hurts so much to think that only three weeks ago we were both in tears at the airport, so determined to make it work, so certain that we loved each other, and now she hardly even thinks about me, I'm just some thing from her past that is over and done with now.

 

I can't help my mind from dwelling on these things, but hopefully it will happen less and less.

[Ellie2006]

she responded to my e-mail to say she is OK with NC and just to let me know how happy she is with her life and how great things are going with her new boyfriend (she acknowledged that it might not be pleasant to hear that).

 

I didnt know her very well, BUT from what I know "OF" her, I think that she may have said these things, NOT to hurt you, but maybe to reassure you that things are ok with her now and that you shouldnt worry about her, as I know that she had difficult issues arise on her end (re: the situation with her parents, getting therapy, etc.)

 

So take what she says at face value -- that she is doing well -- and concentrate on your healing, and getting your life back on track.

 

 

It just hurts that after all she meant to me, all the time she spent trying to 'get' me, all the time we spent together, I meant so little to her that she was just able to dump me and move on with her life completely unaffected by it and meet someone new within a day or two.

 

It hurts so much to think that only three weeks ago we were both in tears at the airport, so determined to make it work, so certain that we loved each other, and now she hardly even thinks about me, I'm just some thing from her past that is over and done with now.

 

I can't help my mind from dwelling on these things, but hopefully it will happen less and less.

 

Y'know, I felt these very same feelings but (for me, at least) you realize that the happy memories do and should stand on their own, apart from all that came after the breakup. Though it may be hard, try NOT to question everything (e.g. did he/she love me at all? did he/she even care? How can it be that I matter so little to him/her now, etc etc.) This kind of retroactive analysis (although is very tempting) cant help with the healing, which should be your number one priority at the moment.

 

And as many will attest, all of this does fade with time. So be patient and let things run the natural course, BUT rest assured in knowing that you'll be okay in the end. People really are stronger than they give themselves credit for....

[Carnatic]

Thanks... although I know she didn't tell me that purposely to hurt me.

 

It's just very difficult right now, we're at completely different phases in the break-up. She's over it and has moved on and is happy, and I'm still dealing with the shock, except for times when I've been in bed alone I've still not had a good cry over it, I don't think it's truly sank in yet, I keep catching my brain acting as though she's still my girlfriend.

 

Yesterday, for example I went past a shop and there was a fluffy cow in the window, and my brain had already gone 'oooh a cow, Jenn loves cows you should buy it for her' before I stopped it and reminded it she isn't there any more. I keep seeing places and thinking I should remember to take Jenn there when she is next over and then having to try and drill into my subconscious to stop doing this to me.

 

--

 

Today is the last day of July... July the 1st seems like such a long time ago now, things were so different then it's been the longest month of my life

[annie24]

yeah, it takes a while. everything you are experiencing is normal. one day, you'll be able to walk past a display without thinking of buying something for her, or wanting to tell her about a movie you watched.

 

are you job hunting right now?

[Carnatic]

yeah, it takes a while. everything you are experiencing is normal. one day, you'll be able to walk past a display without thinking of buying something for her, or wanting to tell her about a movie you watched.

 

are you job hunting right now?

 

I'm supposed to be, half-heartedly. I manage about 2 applications a week. There's not much about and I really don't have much motivation to do anything right now.

[annie24]

well, you know, fake it until you make it. i know that job hunting is not any fun, but it will be productive and help keep your mind off of things. besides, money is good.

[Carnatic]

Thanks for commenting annie... sorry I disappeared and didn't respond. I'm just trying to take my mind off things.

[annie24]

Thanks for commenting annie... sorry I disappeared and didn't respond. I'm just trying to take my mind off things.

 

don't worry at all! please do what you need to do to heal.