Inappropriate text... Give him a chance or not?

[munchkin10]

Wow, this turned out sooooo long, sorry. God bless you if you get through this and still feel like giving me advice.

 

OK, I'm 23 and my boyfriend is 28. A couple of days ago he accidentally sent me a text that he meant to send to someone else--an ex girlfriend of his from years ago, who lives accross the country.

 

The text said "yeah we did have fun when you visited... damn did we have some fun"

 

The visit he's referring to happened about 2 months before he even met me (so about 8 months ago now because we've been in a relationship for a little over 6 months); she was here visiting family and they hooked up. And yes I'm 110% positive that that's the last time they've seen each other and also about the time frame.

 

Anyway, I immediately knew the text had been meant for her just from the context of it, so I texted him back saying he could forget about that night (we had plans to see each other when he got off work) and that I couldn't believe he was reminiscing with her like that.

 

He called me seconds later even though doing that required him to leave his post at work which he's not supposed to do under any circumstances, saying how stupid it was for him to respond to her like that and that he was so sorry, that she had texted him out of the blue saying she was thinking about her visit and how much fun it had been, etc. He sounded upset and I had the gut feeling he was telling me the truth because he didn't stutter or anything when he was explaining the situation. He was just very apologetic and said he wanted to talk to me in person so he asked me to please still see him in a couple of hours like we had planned.

 

I told him I needed time to think and hung up on him, then sat there burning up for an hour before I texted him back and said I was willing to talk but only if he promised to be 100% honest with me. He responded saying "Thank you thank you thank you, I'm so sorry babe and of course, I promise I'll be completely honest about everything."

 

So we met up and I was so mad I couldn't even look at his face and he wrapped me in his arms but I just stood there all limp like a rag doll. He kept saying "babe, please look at me" but I couldn't find the strength to look at him or even hug him back at all. He kissed my cheeks and my forehead and stuff and this all went on for several minutes until I guess he gave up on getting me to reciprocate.

 

Then he went and sat on his bed and asked me to talk to him so I sat as far away from him as possible on the bed and still couldn't make eye contact with him (I knew I'd cry the second I did). We talked for a long time and I asked him all kinds of questions about her; he answered everything without a shred of anger or defensiveness and as far as I can tell he was brutually honest.

 

He said he does have a tendency to be flirty (and I knew this about him already) but that it doesn't mean anything more than that, and that he didn't think text-flirting with her was a big deal especially since she lives so far away. And to be fair we had never discussed this before so he didn't know how opposed I am to that kind of flirting. For some reason it doesn't bother me if he says anything flirty to random chicks in public at work or the store or whatever; it just doesn't. He'll tell me stories about silly stuff he's said and we just laugh together about it. We'll be out in public and we'll both be checking out some chick and rating her, etc.

 

But anywayyy I guess the texting thing probably has more to do with my ex than anything because that's how he started cheating on me and how he developed an emotional affair, which led me to break up with him. So naturally I think my current BF texting some girl, especially someone he's been with pretty recently, is wrong. I told him that I don't know if he can gain my trust back and that I wasn't sure if I could deal with this kind of thing again, that I wasn't sure if being in a relationship was worth it for me anymore because I can't stand feeling like this.

 

Then he started telling me how he would do anything to make me feel better and regain my trust, just name it and he would do it, and told me how much he loves me and that he can't imagine never making me smile or holding me again... at that point his voice cracked and he cried, I mean really cried to the point that he had tears streaming down his face, his eyes were red and he was sniffling and everything. Of course that made me break down too and so we laid there cuddling for about 10 minutes til we both stopped crying and he said that even though there is nothing going on between them anymore (besides the fact that they were/are physically attracted to each other), that he would completely cut contact with her if it makes me feel better.

 

So he deleted her from Facebook, deleted her number from his phone and even blocked it, etc, without even saying anything to her first because he says they really never talk anyway and it was just an out-of-the-blue thing, that she probably wouldn't even notice he was "gone" for months. He said he feels nothing emotional for her but they had just hooked up a few times since they broke up years and years ago, and she's been living accross the country since then.

 

Anyway, other than this we've had a great relationship so far, I feel a very strong bond with him, we've been together every single weekend since we started dating, etc. He's treated me great the whole time and has always been very considerate of my feelings and I feel like he's been jumping through hoops for me the last couple of days to prove how committed to me he is and how much he loves me. I was still somewhat upset about it for a couple of days but today I feel drastically better and in my heart and gut I just "know" I can trust him.

 

But at the same time I'm terrified of making the same mistake I did with my ex... forgiving him for this kind of thing (even though they were much worse things) only to have him do it again after I forgave him. My ex was never so forthcoming and he was always defensive and angry about it, though, so he and my current BF are so different it's ridiculous.

 

So if this happened to you, would you forgive and forget? I just want it out of my mind for good and I want to be happy with him and believe what he says.

[SheBrokeMe]

Forgive and forget!!!

 

Im biased though. I am a 100% faithful guy. But I am flirty.. Its just in my nature. My conversations come accross as flirty.

 

As for the txt, hey.. He responded when he maybe shouldnt have. And he seems to understand that it was outside your expectations for how he should act in a relationship with you..

 

Ask yourself if you like him and want to be with him.. If yes.. Then this is minor!!

[mdl]

If he blocked all contact with her, then you should forgive and forget. In the big picture of things, he now knows where the boundaries are. He sounds like an honest guy and was truly sorry that he hurt you.

[HeartGoesOn]

Even though he was out of line by responding to her text, and not making it clear that he has a girlfriend, I would forgive him. He does sound sincere, but I would keep my eyes open, since actions speak louder than words.

[snoopydog]

Forgive him I say, based on the entire post.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Even though he was out of line by responding to her text, and not making it clear that he has a girlfriend, I would forgive him. He does sound sincere, but I would keep my eyes open, since actions speak louder than words.

 

I agree. I just have to wonder about people who do casual hookups with exs. He should never have responded to her in that way with subtle references to their hooking up..not when he has a gf. This is the danger of being with someone who is flirty...they often push the envelope and don't really consider appropriateness.

[alli]

Even though he was out of line by responding to her text, and not making it clear that he has a girlfriend, I would forgive him. He does sound sincere, but I would keep my eyes open, since actions speak louder than words.

 

I concur. It was in reference to something that happened before you were dating. While I think it was out of line, I think it is a forgive-able offense, as long as he doesn't continue doing other similar things. A good rule of thumb is before you do something, to ask yourself if you would feel fine knowing your SO did the same. If not, then don't do it. I think he needs to think about that in the future.

[AndiD]

Ok, maybe its just me, but I see a red flag here that has nothing to do with the honesty part.

 

So he deleted her from Facebook, deleted her number from his phone and even blocked it, etc, without even saying anything to her first because he says they really never talk anyway and it was just an out-of-the-blue thing, that she probably wouldn't even notice he was "gone" for months. He said he feels nothing emotional for her but they had just hooked up a few times since they broke up years and years ago, and she's been living accross the country since then.

 

So, he dated this chick, has hooked up with her for years, his last words to her were flirty and positive - and without explanation, he kicks her our of his life? Assuming the best - that he is being honest - that's a really crappy way to treat someone. His manner of handling it may sound fine to you right now because its directed toward another woman, but that behavior, to me, is a bit of a red flag.

 

My ex was never so forthcoming and he was always defensive and angry about it, though, so he and my current BF are so different it's ridiculous.

 

So if this happened to you, would you forgive and forget? I just want it out of my mind for good and I want to be happy with him and believe what he says.

 

If it were me, I wouldn't worry about the text from an honesty standpoint as this is the only time you've seen something like that from him. He wasn't dishonest with you from what you say. And even though its easier said than done, try not to judge him through the lens of your ex's treatment of you.

[alli]

So, he dated this chick, has hooked up with her for years, his last words to her were flirty and positive - and without explanation, he kicks her our of his life? Assuming the best - that he is being honest - that's a really crappy way to treat someone. His manner of handling it may sound fine to you right now because its directed toward another woman, but that behavior, to me, is a bit of a red flag.

 

I agree. I think the best thing for him to do would be to explain to this woman why he is cutting off contact with her (out of respect for his relationship, he feels he shouldn't speak so flirty with someone he had a relationship with in the past) and wish her well in her future endeavors. If he just cuts her off with no explanation she will certainly wonder why, and since she still has his number she would probably ask him what's up, and therefore contact between them won't be completely severed anyway.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Ok, maybe its just me, but I see a red flag here that has nothing to do with the honesty part.

 

 

 

So, he dated this chick, has hooked up with her for years, his last words to her were flirty and positive - and without explanation, he kicks her our of his life? Assuming the best - that he is being honest - that's a really crappy way to treat someone. His manner of handling it may sound fine to you right now because its directed toward another woman, but that behavior, to me, is a bit of a red flag.

 

I agree...and this is in keeping with those overly flirty types...throw out dangling carrots and then walk away as if they have done nothing.