Is cheating a form of emotional abuse?

[gravity]

Had this random thought today while sitting in class.

 

found this definition:

Emotional abuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that is psychologically harmful

 

What do you think?

agree?

disagree?

depends on the circumstances?

[pumpkinmoon]

I suppose it could be classed as a form of emotional abuse because of the damage it does to the person who is cheated on.

[annbuckley]

Excellent question - I think that the abuse in this case is internal. If a person believes that someone is cheating, they tend to question everything that they have with the person they are sharing their life with. It is obsessive. I know from experience that the weight in my chest is so heavy with the idea that he is doing something that I am harming myself. I can't get him out of my head and I imagine him touching her. It is very emotionally draining. So, yes. On the other hand No. People have relationships with people all of the time where sexual connection is felt, but not acted upon. If the partner teases or is constantly referring to the other person in relationship - then yes, yes it is.

 

Just my view.

Ann

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I would not consider cheating emotional abuse. Cheating is typically done for self-gratification. The intention is directed at self rather than the partner. The partner getting hurt is a byproduct of the cheating rather than the goal. With emotional abuse the intent is to make the partner feel bad.

[Mauxly]

I'd say it is a form of emotional abuse. Absolutely.

And I'd leave the 'intent' aspect out of it. Many physical abusers say, "I never meant to hurt them, I just saw red, I don't know what happened".

 

If you are willing to do something that is going to hurt someone that you love, you are abusive. I don't care if it is because of 'passion' or whatever.

[Ms Darcy]

I would not consider cheating emotional abuse. Cheating is typically done for self-gratification. The intention is directed at self rather than the partner. The partner getting hurt is a byproduct of the cheating rather than the goal. With emotional abuse the intent is to make the partner feel bad.

 

I agree with this. I think emotional abuse tends to deal with an intent to degrade the partner directly.

 

If your partner is ignoring you with the intent to degrade, I would call it neglect. Perhaps cheating can be more easily aligned with neglect than abuse. It is certainly alienation of affection.

[waveseer]

It is only abuse if it is coupled with intimidation or degradation, otherwise, you can leave a cheater anytime.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I'd say it is a form of emotional abuse. Absolutely.

And I'd leave the 'intent' aspect out of it. Many physical abusers say, "I never meant to hurt them, I just saw red, I don't know what happened".

 

If you are willing to do something that is going to hurt someone that you love, you are abusive. I don't care if it is because of 'passion' or whatever.

 

Intent is very much an important factor when factoring in the seriousness of a situation. First degree murder is the Intent to kill someone...manslaughter is the accidental killing of someone...perhaps someone was driving a car and daydreaming of the passionate evening they will be having with their partner...they aren't paying attention and end up hitting and killing someone. They will be charged with manslaughter rather than 1st or 2nd degree murder because although death was the outcome, there was no INTENT to kill.

 

Someone who is cheating typically does not set out to hurt their partner..to whittle away at their self esteem. They are simply selfishly following their own desires without thought to their partner. While that is selfish and wrong, it is not abuse because the ultimate goal was not to cut down the partner.

[odile]

I would not consider cheating emotional abuse. Cheating is typically done for self-gratification. The intention is directed at self rather than the partner. The partner getting hurt is a byproduct of the cheating rather than the goal. With emotional abuse the intent is to make the partner feel bad.

 

Actually, oftentimes abuse is not done out of a pure maliciousness or evil intent,

but acted out as a way to make the abuser feel better, or more in control.

Like, putting someone else down to feel better or more secure about themselves.

So the goal isn't that different, really.

 

Cheating is a way to self-gratify, done fully knowing that doing so could be harmful to someone else.

 

Sometimes, too, it's the power-play aspect of it that appeals to certain cheaters.

When a cheater is being really deceptive-- especially when it gets to the point of making the other person insecure about their suspicions-- then this is TOTALLY abusive.

Think of all the people who have been cheated on, and when they question their partner are told that they are crazy for being suspicious.

 

 

I agree with this. I think emotional abuse tends to deal with an intent to degrade the partner directly.

 

If your partner is ignoring you with the intent to degrade, I would call it neglect. Perhaps cheating can be more easily aligned with neglect than abuse. It is certainly alienation of affection.

 

(I think you meant "without intent to degrade"?)

Anyway, the intent may not be that much of a determining factor, really...

because when a person does this, they know what the effect may be whether or not that effect is their primary goal.

That is to say, it can't really be likened to an accident, you know?

 

By your argument,

a person could be in an SUV, and desiring to get accross town, blow through stoplights, crosswalks and so forth, and it wouldn't be considered abusive, because even if others were hurt or injured, it wouldn't have been the driver's intention for them to get hurt-- the driver just REALLY wanted to get accross town!

 

This sort of negligence would be considered abuse.

Think about it this way-- in child custody cases, even far less dramatic neglect (failure to provide basic care) is considered abusive.

 

So yes, cheating is a form of emotional abuse.

It may not be murder, but it IS abuse.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

So if a partner is unhappy in their marriage and falls for their co-worker and cheats, does that mean he is abusing his partner? It is really not so cut and dried. While I agree that in some cases cheating does become a form of emotional abuse...in many cases it is not. Putting someone down and degrading them is indeed about feeling better about themself..but telling someone they are stupid, nobody will ever love them, giving affection and withdrawing it, giving the silent treatment, throwing things around the place, barking out orders etc is not in the same realm as cheating...unless the situation is about serial cheating.

[odile]

While I agree that in some cases cheating does become a form of emotional abuse...in many cases it is not.

Putting someone down and degrading them is indeed about feeling better about themself..

but telling someone they are stupid, nobody will ever love them, giving affection and withdrawing it, giving the silent treatment, throwing things around the place, barking out orders etc is not in the same realm as cheating...unless the situation is about serial cheating.

 

Isn't cheating the same as offering something (commitment) to someone, and then withdrawing it?

 

Sure, there are different levels of severity, and a serial cheater is doing even more harm than someone who has one affair.

But even a single affair can be quite damaging to a relationship, and to the partner who has been cheated on... and cheaters know this.

 

So if a partner is unhappy in their marriage and falls for their co-worker and cheats, does that mean he is abusing his partner?

 

Health Canada says that "denying emotional responsiveness" qualifies as emotional abuse.

 

Isn't that what someone is doing when they neglect their (albeit difficult relationship), and

leave someone hanging in a commitment without addressing the problems, or giving the other person a say?

 

Is this imaginary partner rejecting his wife whilst having his affair?

Rejection in this sort of relationship can qualify as abuse.

 

And controlling is considered being abusive...

isn't keeping someone in the relationship (even though you are not really committed yourself) a form of control?

 

And denying something that happened (should the partner have suspicions) is considered abusive, because it makes the person then mistrust their own perceptions, their own sanity.

 

It may be a passive form of aggression against the partner, but it's still aggressive,

in that you are controlling the other person, and manipulating the situation in an underhanded way.

 

If we use a different example--

say the unhappy partner gets drunk at an office party, has a one-night stand, and then on his own volition confesses to his partner.

 

If this only happens once; there is no deception or manipulation;

and the cheating partner immediately takes responsibility for his actions,

and makes every effort to make things right,

then the cheating would be quite hurtful, but in this case, it would not qualify as emotional abuse.

 

In contrast, if the affair carries on for a time, then this establishes a pattern of behaviour.

 

A pattern of abusive behaviour;

deception/ negligence/ controlling/ unreliability /unpredictability/ aggression, etc.;

is emotional abuse.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I guess I just see a difference between name calling, nastiness etc and cheating. That doesn't mean I don't abhor cheating, it just means that I wouldn't equate the two. For example, there is a difference between emotional abuse, verbal abuse and physical abuse..all destructive in their own ways..but all in separate categories. So you can put a category of "cheating abuse" to differentiate it from the other types of abuses.

[odile]

I guess I just see a difference between name calling, nastiness etc and cheating. That doesn't mean I don't abhor cheating, it just means that I wouldn't equate the two. For example, there is a difference between emotional abuse, verbal abuse and physical abuse..all destructive in their own ways..but all in separate categories. So you can put a category of "cheating abuse" to differentiate it from the other types of abuses.

 

Verbal abuse, for example, counts as emotional abuse if it occurs regularly.

If it's a few nasty comments on one bad day, it may not count as "emotional abuse", but it is still emotionally abusive.

 

But you're right in that cheating is a slippery thing when it comes to generalising.