She says no to dating, but likes me...so what do we do?

[Seymore]

So there's this girl at work that I like and have known for a month or so. We've spent our lunch breaks together every day and we really get along, make each other laugh, make each other smile when one of us is having a rough day, we can call one other names without the other person getting offended, and we have a lot of similar likes. Not to mention she's a heavier girl - not the type I'm normally physically into, but for some reason it doesn't even matter with her, she's just really, really cool, and co-workers can see by the way we talk (not even flirting or anything) that we're good around each other - very comfortable. So I figured why not, we don't work in the same area, I ask her out. We go minigolfing and have a lot of fun. The next week we go to the movies and for shakes after. We had another blast, but we got so caught up in talking that she lost track of time and had to get home, as her son's father was supposed to be there in 15 minutes to drop her son off.

 

The next day I tell her up front that I like her, and she says she feels the same way about me, but asks what I'm looking for. I say I'd like to date her. She tells me that since her and her ex split 6 months ago, she had no interest in other guys who pursued her, and then I came along. She said again that she likes and respects me, but almost forgetting to pick her son up the day before made her realize that dating is going to be a lot harder than she thought. I was upset but didn't show it - I mean, she didn't realize, that's fine, I understand. So what I did was back off a bit - no more compliments or flirting with her, I stopped initiating text conversations at work, and I stopped taking long lunches just to talk more with her. She still texts me while we're at work every day, and sometimes outside of work too. We're also attending the company picnic together.

 

We still have lunch together every day and I still have as much fun with her as before - it's like nothing changed, and I can tell she's still into me and I'm still into her, but what can we do? It's like we have this wall between us. Should I wait it out?

[SheBrokeMe]

Drop the son bomb then.

 

Tell her you're interested in meeting her kid because.. thats part of a the package.

[Seymore]

Do you think she'd be cool with that this soon? I mean, I'm not a single mom, so I don't know if that's too soon, but I would think she's kind of cautious about bringing strange men in and out of her son's life. I mean, I'd totally have no problem with it since I am very good with kids, I'd just like to know.

[DN]

I don't advise saying you want to meet her son.

 

But what did you say in reply when she said this

She said again that she likes and respects me, but almost forgetting to pick her son up the day before made her realize that dating is going to be a lot harder than she thought.

[SheBrokeMe]

Well take it slow...

 

Maybe ask her out for a coffee and tell her your interested in dating her and taking it slow... And if she likes, you would be even interested in something like.. A movie night in, with her and her boy.

 

Just take'r slow but let'r know

[Seymore]

I don't advise saying you want to meet her son.

 

But what did you say in reply when she said this

 

I told her that I understand and respect her wanting to take things slow and I also apologized if I pushed things (all I did was put my arm around her at the movie). Not that she said she wanted to take it slow, I just wanted to see her response. She said thank you for understanding and no I didn't push things.

[DN]

I would have said that you totally understand that there are difficulties in dating when there is a child but that it would be difficulties you would be more than willing to accommodate when dating a woman to whom you are attracted.

 

That way you would have made it clear that you were still interested and accepted that her child is important to her.

[JonasWaingaro]

Hey seymore, I was curious why you decided to back off so much? I know she said it would be more difficult then she thought but she didn't say no, right? So why back off to square one? And I wouldn't ask to meet the son, that's up to her. She will bring that up if and when she's ready, so don't go there.

[Seymore]

Hey seymore, I was curious why you decided to back off so much? I know she said it would be more difficult then she thought but she didn't say no, right? So why back off to square one? And I wouldn't ask to meet the son, that's up to her. She will bring that up if and when she's ready, so don't go there.

 

I guess I backed off:

 

A. Not to tease myself by doing all the flirty stuff etc like I was before, and

 

B. Not to give her the milk for free. I paid for the last two dates, I compliment her and flirt with her and she likes it, so what would she stand to gain by dating me, then? She'd have everything already!

 

I guess that was my mind frame.

 

 

 

I would have said that you totally understand that there are difficulties in dating when there is a child but that it would be difficulties you would be more than willing to accommodate when dating a woman to whom you are attracted.

 

That way you would have made it clear that you were still interested and accepted that her child is important to her.

 

Damn it. Why can't I think like you? I defeat myself so soon. Thankfully we still get along great and I know she's still into me. Is there anything I can say now, or is it too late?

 

She's actually with her friend at her place right now having her Friday night girl night thing, and she's texting me about random stuff.

[DN]

It's not too late to say that.

[Seymore]

Ok, I just did, and I also added that I don't have to have a response right now, but asked that she just consider that because I have been in a relationship with a child involved before. I'm on a little liquid courage right now so it kinda helped.

[Seymore]

She messaged me back saying the problem is she doesn't know what she wants. She said that I make her happy, and at the same time she's been put through the ringer big time, plus she was little when her parents divorced so she knows first hand how parents dating can affect a kid, so she's worried for her son.

[DN]

Tell her that you understand and even if she does decide to date you it would be advisable for her not to introduce her son to you unless things do develop further and she is completely comfortable with doing so.

[Seymore]

Tell her that you understand and even if she does decide to date you it would be advisable for her not to introduce her son to you unless things do develop further and she is completely comfortable with doing so.

 

You must be feeling like Cyrano de Bergerac. Since my last post, she thanked me for my honesty. I did already tell her I understand, and I mentioned that I am happy that I get to spend 4-5 hours with her on Sunday that she has free. I said that her son doesn't have to be involved until she feels comfortable. I made sure to let her know that it's just something I'm telling her and she doesn't have to have a response for it right away, but to please consider.

 

She responded that it's not just a (her son's name) thing, it's also a (her name) thing, and that she knows it'd have to be a serious relationship before her son is introduced.

[Day_Walker]

Personally, I see nothing happening she didnt want to take it to the next level and it is clear that you want to. You have to notice that very drastic difference and you have to see it as a rejection. This girl will not give you want you want so you move on.

[Seymore]

But I mean, what - is she going to just stay single forever? The girl's gotta date, and I make her happy, so what's the issue, you know?

 

I guess I'll just keep going and keep myself open to meeting new girls, but STILL stay friendly with this girl. It's such a shame. It's been so long since I've met someone like her.

[anya1607307555]

I think you have handled it well so far and have been really sweet with her. It is better that you tried. Ultimately though, you cannot force her to feel ready before she is.

 

How old is her son, and is the ex you mentioned, his dad? Because if so, I think she is wise to be cautious and is being completely honest with you about what she feels capable of. In my opinion, six months is really no time at all to get over somebody you have conceived a child with. Particularly if they have contact for access purposes, whatever the reasons for the break up, separating the feelings between themselves and the child can take time. There is a lot to process, to suggest she will be single forever because she is not ready now is a bit dramatic. People heal at different rates and I'm sure you would prefer her to be emotionally 100% ready to date you.

 

It's tricky, her responses are all positive but she is telling you she needs more time and space. It depends whether you are prepared to wait, for how long and with no guarantee of a positive outcome. I think you are right to keep your options open.

[Seymore]

Thank you, Anya. Her son is 1 year old. The father doesn't come around more than once or twice a week to take him, and even then she doesn't even let him in. She doesn't speak to him unless it's regarding their son (she refuses to stay friends with an ex, yet another trait I really like about her, as I feel the same). She told me that she was over him for a while now, and that the relationship was pretty much over while she was pregnant, but she tried to force it for the kid's sake before realizing it just wasn't happening.

 

I would prefer her to be 100% emotionally ready. And I'm not trying to put her on a pedestal, but I haven't felt this comfortable with a girl in a long, LONG time and I honestly don't know when the next one will come along like her. I hope I'm not trying to come off as impatient because I really do like her. She's not perfect, but she hasn't exhibited the malicious behavior my exes did early on. We just really get along well, so I hope that we can still enjoy each others' company and hopefully soon down the line in the coming year we can grow close enough to where she can be comfortable knowing I wouldn't hurt her, and have her own issues worked out to where dating can be an option.

[anya1607307555]

No, you don't come off as impatient, your frustration is understandable. However, it is the result of the fact that the expectations of what you had envisaged are not the reality. And that realisation can be difficlut to swallow. For what it's worth, from what you say, I do think there is hope for more in time.

[quirky]

I think you have been great. You have shown your interest (I also thought you backed off too soon at the first "no" so it's good you tried a bit more) and it's best to keep it friendly now. Her son is still young, she must have so much "new" stuff in her mind. I have a feeling you could "convince" her but I doubt it will work long term if you do. Show her a bit of interest, then back off a bit, let her make a move as well eventually.

[BriarRose]

this is interesting. there are different ways this can be taken. Personally, i think she does like you. She is not blowing you off. she admits you are the first man she has been interested in since the ex left. Now, i know if i like someone, i am not fearful, i don't need the guy to 'slow down', im a big girl, I can deal. BUT - I dont have a kid. i imagine i would be far less carefree if i did.

 

but since she did tell you she 'doesn't know what she wants', i do feel you should look to date others, too, at least until she gives you some more positive vibes.

[Curious_Girl]

Hi Seymore,

 

Well, I'm glad you actually got to the actual dating this time!!

 

I've read your other posts, and what I've been thinking is that she is just not ready. It doesn't matter if she says it was over, it doesn't matter if she doesn't talk to him: she still needs time to heal. Six months is not enough time, and I admire her for realizing that. It took me a long, long time to get over my marriage. I do think she likes you; I do think she wishes she were ready, but she's not.

 

You are definitely not impatient! In fact, I think you may be too patient. I understand that you like her a lot and that you can see the value of investing time now, but what if you never get the result that you want? You may wait 6 months, and she's still not ready. Will you notice other women? I ask this b/c when I am in that state of mind - and I have been - I do not notice other men. Also, do you want a date or a serious LTR? It may turn into the latter, but it may not. I don't think you want to be the rebound guy.

 

I'm sorry to be negative, but I just don't see this being good for you, and I would like to see you in a happy, stable relationship.

[Seymore]

Thanks, Curious Girl. I do notice other women. I'm normally the type where when I'm with a girl, I only have eyes for her, but I'm not WITH with this one, so I'm definitely open, just not actively looking. It's funny because at work when people ask about me and her, she doesn't answer them or dodges the question, or even says "none of your business". She still texts me good night every night and sometimes texts me from the time work is off until we go to sleep.

 

Actually, UPDATE: Friday (the night I told her that I'd be willing to accommodate the fact that she has a son) we ended up texting for 12 hours straight. From the time we got off lunch (texting back and forth during work) until I got off at 5, and even then we texted until 1am. And I mean like 5-10 texts an hour, sometimes more when we were off work. We didn't talk on the phone that night because she had her girl night with her best friend, yet she was still texting me quite a bit.

 

Sunday night we were texting and I mentioned I was watching a movie - she said she loved that movie so I told her she was welcome to come by. Her car was in the shop, so she invited me over and said that her mom had her son for the night so it would just be us two. Like a fool I turned her down and suggested next weekend, as it was already getting late and by the time I got there and then finished the movie it'd be about midnight, and I had to get up early for work - she starts work later than me. Anyway, she mentioned she was getting my texts late or they were getting delayed or something, so I stopped the movie and called her. We talked for four and a half hours straight - about dumb stuff we did in the past, past relationships, values, music, things like that. It went by like it was one hour. She said she'd never talked that long to ANYONE on the phone in her life. I don't think I have either.

 

So we'll see what develops, but IF I do meet another girl I like, I understand I'm free to do what I wish. But this girl is really, really cool.

[DN]

I hope it turns out well for you. Good luck with this one.

[Seymore]

Thank you, DN. Thanks very much for the well wishes and as always, advice. Hey, I've known her over a month and she hasn't cursed me out or yelled at me for no good reason...that's a good sign (sarcasm, of course)