myJoy's story... we're back together!

[myJoy]

it is near impossible to give myself guidance/advice, so i am seeking your help. this is a relatively long one, so brace yourself:

 

its been 4 mths since my ex & i split up. we had a wonderful relationship for over a yr. & even spoke of marriage. during the course of our relationship we had our fair share of problems, but never fought though. she was constantly depressed & lonely because i traveled a lot for work. she also constantly felt like she lived in the shadow of my ex because i kept my ex things around. now i know better. more importantly, she felt i was taking her for granted since i ignored a lot of her pleads & was unwilling to make any compromises at all in our relationship.

 

1 day i came home from a trip & found that she cheated on me w/ her co-worker. i asked her to save our relationship & she agreed to a 2nd chance. however, that same day i decided to let her go. she continued to stay w/ me for a few days, before she moved out & moved right in w/ that other guy. note that she had nowhere to go. 6 mths before we broke up, she had left her old job, family & friends behind to be w/ me (7 hrs away from her home).

 

its been 2 mths since we last spoke. she still has a few things at my place, & my house keys. she doesn't know that i recently moved out to a different city.

 

at this point, i am doing well without her emotionally. i am at peace w/ the idea of not having her in my life. however, i would take her back if she decides to come back. some friends believe that i should wait for her to make the initial contact & i shouldn't try to contact her for the time being. others believe that not only do i need to initiate contact, but i have to actively try to win her back (& not just be a friend). this idea goes against some of the fundamental rules i stated in my other posts. however, the debatable point is, my friends think that she left me because she didn't think i really love her at all. & by being passive about the whole situation, i basically reinforced her feelings & showed that i really didn't care that the relationship is over. thus, there's no reason she would want to come back. comments?

[askdan]

myJoy,

 

Since you have helped me a lot this past month, I guess it's my turn to help you.

 

I read your story, and this is what I would do in your situation:

 

Since you love this woman, you should let her know that you care, and you should give her the information that you love her and would like to work seriously at the relationship.

 

She will not see this as a push, because you have not contacted her in 2 months thereforeeee you have nothing to lose.

 

Then, you should wait a while, and if she does not respond, then you may use other opportunities to contact her with cards such as on her birthday, Christmas, etc.

 

Hope this helps! It seems to be the best thing to do at this point.

[danimal77]

My Joy,

 

In many ways, I agree with your friends. Any direct attempts will not work. Do not openly reveal anything to her about your feelings just yet, but it's been 2 months and I feel that it is time to start turning on the charm and the "seduction" my friend.

 

You are at a good point to do that, seeing you two are not on bad terms and she most likely is not expecting you to do this anymore, however, with that just said, take into account what you just declared, about taking her back in a second. Maybe she knows that deep down you would. What if she felt that you wouldn't? You would instantly be someone she can no longer have, or would have to work that much harder to keep you in her life, but I'll tell you, she will not come back on her own. They rarely do.

 

They need an incentive and you must in a sense, proove to them what they are missing, without acting like you want or need them back and that is by throwing out mixed signals and vague and ambiguous with your intentions. Flirt with her and then bring up the fact that you're dating, or that this girl keeps calling you up and you don't know what to do about it. The women on here may hate me for saying this, but it works.

 

Be a challenge to her, but also be proactive an nothing ever comes to those who sit back and wait for it and if it does, you don't deserve it. It's hard work. They left us, because WE pushed them away, one way or another. We can wait an eternity for them to come back, always living with hope. Take action my Joy, but you need a plan, while knowing how to deviate from it and always be flexible and very persuasive.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[kate111]

By keeping some of this girl's possessions you have still got the umbilical cord connection to her in place.

 

I think a good strategy might be to drop her things back to her. You can use this as an excuse to see her and impress her.

 

Make sure you look good and appear to be successful.

 

Be nice, flirtatious and basically let her know through your actions (don't say it) that you still find her interesting and attractive.

 

Then don't contact her again for awhile.

 

She may freak out when she realises that she still finds you attractive but that she has absolutely no reason to contact you again.

[cassiana]

Now I may be getting this wrong but it seems to me that she made temendous sacrifices to be with you and then she was left alone for long periods of time in the temple of your ex girlfriend possessions.

Now you have moved again to another city, so presumably she would have to move yet again to be with you.

We girls like to know that we are loved and that we are going to be loved into the future. She has invested in you but you have done your own thing and dragged her along. Now i'm only guessing from the scant facts I have but I think she felt unloved and unappreciated and figured that was never going to change.

You should create a more positive environment around yourself before you contact her. You should be certain that shes the one you want and that you are willing to put in the effort before you mess with her again.

 

good luck.

[a_little_sparrow]

hello myjoy,

 

I have to say that I agree with kate111. Make contact with her to take the stuff back--if you're ready. That's just an extra tag there to remember your own advice to all of us. In fact, you might even think of this meeting as a chance to figure out whether or not you're really still interested. She cheated on you after all. It might be good to keep this in mind, just for the sake of keeping some distance emotionally.

 

There's one extra thing I see in your situation. It looks as though you're the one to have dumped her. You say you asked her to give the relationship a second chance then you let her go. In which case, it seems that she might feel you need to take the first step in any reconciliation, mainly because she was the one to hurt you, and your response was to walk away from her.

 

Best of luck. And definitely let us know what you decide to do. It seems to me you're at that point your advice leads to eventually. You feel emotionally secure, but now how or whether to make contact is the tough decision.

[AB38]

I agree with everyone except for one of the posts. Don't play games. Be honest, direct and tell her how you feel, if that is indeed what you truly want.

[danimal77]

If you tell her how you feel, you may scare her off. You have to go around her defenses and be subtle. If you use a frontal attack approach, all doors will be closed.

 

My Joy knows better than this. Sorry to say, everything in life is a game. If it weren't, everyone would be winners.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[a_little_sparrow]

Danimal, I know you have the best of intentions, and it's the reason why I offer this comment. Most people can tell when there's someone playing games with them. I can't help but think that your girlfriend had such an extreme reaction this last time becuase she could see this wasn't about honest danimal, it was about game playing danimal.

 

In my opinion the number one priority in all of this needs to be protecting your own heart. Second priority is "winning back the ex," though even that language seems dangerous as it implies a game. There were a couple times in my relationship with my ex that she told me she was "testing" me, and I had a big reaction to that. Telling her you don't test the people you love. Trust can only develop over time, and it can only develop when both people learn to be as honest as possible with each other. I've learned since the breakup that I didn't hold up my end of the honesty thing as much as I would have liked. But that's getting away from the point.

 

I am not advocating myjoy go to his ex's wearing his heart on his sleeve. In fact, I think he needs to decide how much he's going to show his heart, or if his heart is even in the same place as he thinks it is. Maybe this is game playing. To me it's clarification. And it's all about myjoy, not the ex. And when he leaves, he'll know whether he needs to start no contact again, or if there will be something else.

[AB38]

nicely said, sparrow.

[danimal77]

I agree.

 

BTW, my ex didn't leave because of my game playing. she left because I had neglected her emotionally for 2 months and had still been making demands.

 

I do agree with your post though. Be smart and plan it through and as I mentioned, be flexible with your approach and always wear a smile.

[myJoy]

kate111,

 

interestingly i got an e-mail from her today regarding the remainder of her stuff. she said that she would like me to keep it, since she wasn't sure when she would ever get around to picking it up.

 

you mentioned that i should try to look good & attractive? the past 4 mths had given me enough time to make some major changes in my life. yes, i do look very different from how i used to - all my friends have commented on this. i've lost weight, quote a few inches around the waist, bulked up, nicely tanned up - thanks to sunny california beaches. move to a much nicer place, redecorated, etc. i dress differently too.

[myJoy]

cassiana,

 

she had always wanted me to move closer to her new work place. when we were still together, i lived 5 mins. from work while she had to drive 1.5 hours each way to go to work from our place. she had often asked me if we could move closer to her office, or at least the halfway point. she thought it wasn't too much to ask since she did relocate from 7 hours to this new job to be w/ me. the least i could do is make her commute easier. i didn't budge then - stating i was happy w/ where we're at. of course now i regret it.

 

anyway, a month ago i moved to a new city close by where she works. now it takes me 45 mins to get to work, & it would have taken her 10 mins. she doesn't know i moved. did i move because of her - i definitely think so at a subconscious level. but i also moved for myself - since i've always wanted to live by the beach.

 

yes... she did feel unloved by me. or rather, she felt that i couldn't give her the same kind of love that i gave to my previous ex. when we broke up, she made the comment that whatever romance & sweetness i had, i used it up on my previous ex & there was none left for her. she mentioned that a few times in our relationship.

[myJoy]

a_little_sparrow,

 

yes, i think in her mind i was the one who dumped her. since i was the one that walked away from the relationship after she had already agreed to give us a second chance. however, in my mind she ended it the day she cheated on me.

 

i don't think about the infidelity part anymore - it also doesn't bother me as much. i do know deep in my heart that i screwed up & i want her back. i know my life can move on without her, but i would always look back & regret. i've been out on dates during the past few weeks. as sincerely as i try to have a good time, at the end of the dates, i always miss my ex even more.

[myJoy]

here's one for you all. remember, i mentioned i haven't been in contact w/ my ex for 2 months. well, i took the initiative to re-establish contact via e-mail.

 

i dropped in a quick note to say hi & closed out with a 'miss ya'. i know i broke my own rule... hehehe.

 

she replied sayign that she didn't know why, but she had a strong feeling & was also wondering how i was doing this past weekend. she mentioned she misses me too.

 

hhhmmm.... where to go from here? does it do any good to let her know that i had moved & now live closer to work (which she always wanted), or would that freak her out?

[RayKay]

Maybe let her know briefly you have moved - but don't be too specific on WHERE - that will open it up for her to ASK, then it cannot really "freak her out" since she had asked...if that makes sense? If she does ask about it, maybe indicate that you have realized that you needed to make some changes, and that one was appropriate. Don't tell her you did it because of her (subconscious or not!) of course, but it might show her you are changing. She might ask why you did not do it when she asked you too, but explain that at the time you felt pressured to do so, and not ready - but that you see things differently now.

 

Good luck

[kate111]

MYJOy,

 

It seems that you both made mistakes in your relationship. I do not think nocontact is appropriate in your case. I think a respectful distance and small contacts building up to more contact and trust being reestablished on both sides is a more appropriate way.

 

Ive forgotten, does she have a boyfriend now? Cos if she does then the right thing for you to do is to reestablish contact and let her know that you are not going to intrude on her current relationship.

 

If she has strong feelings for you still then she will come back to you regardless of him, when this other relationship ends or she will break up with him. But do not push her to break up.

 

Do the respectful decent thing and only treat her as a friend until she is ready. She will respect you for it. You will regain her trust.

 

The first thing you have to do is let her know that she is forgiven for the infidelity and tell her that you realise that you did some wrong things too. Just tell her it is all in the past now and that you miss her, as a person, and you would like to try to rekindle a friendship, if possible at the very least. Tell her that you will not bring up the past, but that you hope to share some kind of future together, if only as friends. Or to try at least.

 

It is really important that you forgive her for cheating because she is no doubt feeling guilty for cheating on you and it is impossible to feel attraction for someone and guilt towards someone at the same time. If she thinks of you at all, she might think she is thinking of you because she feels guilty rather than because she misses or loves you.

 

Also, you cannot dwell on the past now. You both made mistakes. But6 you can try again. You realise now what you did wrong and so now it is your job to work on yourself and make yourself a better person so that you will never make those mistakes again. I will try to advise you on some ways you can change yourself for the better.

 

You have made some changes to the outside Myjoy, that is very good. Now it is time for you to work on your inside.

 

What you need to work on is the ability to not take your partner for granted. You need to learn to love what you have, when you have it.

 

This is a real skill and one which can benefit us all. If you can love what you have when you have it, then that is real happiness.

 

I, for my part, have been reading some texts on buddism. These detail ways to do this. You might find delving into this area interesting.

 

But really, I think that your realisation that you took her for granted is the first step towards a better frame of mind.

 

I say, develop this side of yourself and be a true friend to this girl. She wont be able to help but fall in love with you.

[myJoy]

kate111,

 

she has a bf now. this is her co-worker she cheated w/ when we were together. when i asked her to leave, she had nowhere to go but move in w/ him. at that time they weren't bf&gf yet, it followed a few weeks after living together. when they first got together, she said she was only interested in him, but not in love w/ him (but he loved & adored her as she explained). few weeks after living together - she declares she has fallen in love w/ him.

 

i've already made it clear to her over 2 mths ago that i respect her current relationship, that i was sorry & i am grateful to still be a friend. once i sent that letter out, we lost contact for 2 mths.

 

i know she thinks about me (how often, i don't know). after 2 mths of no contact i finally sent a very short e-mail to say hi & slipped w/ a "miss ya". she responded that she was wondering how i was doing over the weekend, & don't know why but she just got that strong feeling... & that she missed me too. in some way i believe she is trying very hard to let go & move on. in her past relationships she never felt that she could settle down w/ the person she is w/. this all changed when we got together. i know for a fact that she hides stuff that i gave her at her work place.

 

with regards to staying friends, i know we both want that since we're like family & best friends to each other. however, due to the fact that her bf knows how crazy she was about me in the past he is keeping a really tight leash. he had repeatedly remind her not to contact or see me. when they first got together, she would ignore his concerns & continued to call me & visit me. the visits stopped, but she would continue to call me behind his back. then all of that ended.

 

i appreciate your comments on making internal changes, in addition to superficial changes. i have reflected on this for sometime now, & believe i have gained a better understanding about the reasons behind my behavior when my ex & i were still together. i kept pushing her away out of fear & bad past relationship.

[myJoy]

we finally started exchanging e-mail messages these past 2 days offering pleasantries & updates. ex mentioned it is so good to hear from me again... after 2 mths of no contact.

 

question is: should i suggest meeting up, or should i wait for her to take that lead? remember it was i who let her go & i who walked away from this relationship. would it then be difficult for her to propose hanging out? & of course there's always the bf that is making sure we are not in contact.

 

oh, i finally told her i moved. she said she had a funny feeling i did. how do women do that?

[a_little_sparrow]

Hey myJoy,

 

It's good to see things going well. I hope and pray that when I get to two months no contact I can be as calm and collected.

 

In terms of you suggesting a time to get together with her, I'd say let this first contact settle with her a bit. You do still have her stuff, which can offer an opening in time. But with all the other factors (ie living with this boyfriend), there's no need to jump too quickly.

 

I'm amazed you could keep your cool even in the face of her being with this new guy. I know you've said in your advice thread that it's essential to have that frame of mind that can accept whatever the ex is doing. I feel that I'm slowly but surely learning what that type of love means, but I still don't know if I could handle another boyfriend being around. Just out of curiosity, have you ever had a problem with jealousy? I realize it's a separate subject, and I'm really asking more for my benefit. I'd like to hear how you take that into account.

[myJoy]

a_little_sparrow,

 

i was never a jealous or possessive bf. i guess that was part of the problem. my ex wanted for me to feel at least a little possessive every now & then. i think it has more to do w/ personality trait. this is also probably why i can dismiss thoughts of this other guy.

[myJoy]

quick update:

 

my ex called me today to say hi. this is after the couple of e-mails we sent each other yesterday & this morning. we ended up catching up on what we've been doing since we broke up. through the end she never brought up her ex, until the end - when she said it was difficult for her to call me because of her bf. the conversation lasted over half an hr.

 

she's happy that i moved much closer to where she is at right now. & said she always had a strong feeling that i did. i suggested she should come by to see the place & she said she will at some point.

 

i hope this is moving in the right direction.

[kate111]

MyJOy,

 

You are doing so well.

 

I think you are right not to be possessive. After all you cannot own people.

 

But maybe the reason your ex wanted you to be possessive was because she needed you to give her more love and attention, but hey, you know that already.

 

It is important that you do not pressure your ex. Only have as much contact as she feels comfortable giving you. Try not to get offended when she can't give you what you want.

 

It is understandable that the current boyfriend is jealous. After all she cheated with him on you, so he is probably a tad guilty and scared that it will happen to him too. Karma, if you like.

 

It seems that her current partner doesn't trust your ex. It is hardy surprising, from his perspective. This is probably making him really possessive and controlling. I doubt that your ex likes that situation but no doubt she is feeling guilty so she puts up with it.

 

Just be friends with her, while she has a boyfriend, otherwise you will compromise your own morals.

 

That means if she starts getting romantic with you, you have to resist and say "you have a boyfriend, this is not right." If you do not do this then it will be like you are saying "alls fair in love and war" or "cheatings alright as long as it doesn't happen to me".

 

Now I don't think that the above views are really what you want out of a relationship are they? So just make sure you don't make a double standard. Because if you do, then your ex, if she does come back, is likely to cheat on you again.

 

Unfortunately you just have to wait until your ex decides to leave her current relationship. Hopefully she will not marry him out of guilt. Maybe she does really love him now in which case you have no right to intrude on that territory.

 

So my advice is that you can only be friends for awhile, maybe even forever. It is the honourable thing for you to do.

 

My advice is also to work on yourself, building your career, and your self worth by doing things that make you feel proud of yourself.

[myJoy]

thanks kate111

 

those days of weak moments are becoming more rare. i know deep in my heart i am very much in love w/ this woman & will still want to marry her someday. but i will heed your advice & do the respectable thing of being just her friend. i really don't know to what extent does he have control over her. i do recall in the beginning she would tell me that she would not allow her bf to tell her what to do, & she will continue to keep me as a part of her life. i guess, perhaps guilt did set in on her part or she had fallen in love w/ him, thus her attitude changed... & eventually decide to stay out of contact for a while.

 

today was certainly an exciting twist. not only did she call me & chatted pleasantly away. but soon after the call she had sent me a few text messages. i can sense through her voice that she was quite excited to talk to me. she spoke more rapidly, very upbeat & kept a constant smile on her face - something you can pick up thru a person's voice when you know them for many yrs. incidentally i've known my ex since she was literally wearing diapers. we only became friends though 4 yrs. ago.

 

perhaps she is happy now, & in love w/ her bf. thoughts of me perhaps still linger in her mind. does she occasionaly question her decision? oh well... i guess all i have is time. people tell me her new relationship won't last because the bf is a colleague. she complained that she constantly pulls 13~15 hr work days. thus, she doesn't even want to talk to her bf at all during the week. they both come home tired, & pretty much head straight to bed. its only during weekends that they are able to spend some quality time together.

 

on my part, i've done everything to improve myself, short of changing my name.

[kate111]

Dear MyJoy,

 

Yes Im sure your ex does regret her decision sometimes. Unless she is totally and utterly in love with this new guy which is statistically unlikely and judging from her reaction when talking to you, it sounds like this hasn't happened.

 

But the thing is, you should try not to even think of her as a girlfriend now that she has this boyfriend. You can't think of that now so try to push it out of your mind. It will only cause you sadness otherwise.

 

Instead try to embrace the gift you have been given of this friendship you may have with your ex.

 

Build upon this friendship, gain her trust and let her gain your trust. Friendships can be beautiful too you know.

 

Let this other relationship run it's natural course. If it ends then you can make a move but not until if and when that happens.

 

As for working on yourself. I know you have done this and I can tell you are quite healthy from your attitude. I know it hurts sometimes but try to work on yourself for yourself, not for her.

 

Because, after all, she might not come back. and if she doesn't coma back then you want to be able to survive, happily on your own.

 

It may not seem like that is possible from where you are right now, but believe me, it IS possible.