Do you think my ex was commitment phobe?

[baxxter]

Hi All> (Sorry this is long.)

 

I am in a process of healing and I am in a good place for few days. Now am much calmer I can look back at my relationship and think over rationally.

 

While doing so can't help but to wonder if he was a commitment phobe, or it was just that we weren't to be. Either way it is over, am not seeking the answer or anything though.

 

Have read this thread;

 

and my ex fits in many of them, but just curious what people here think?

 

The reasons I think he was CP;

1. He always made sure he didn't leave his stuff at mine. It took him over a year before he decided to have his tooth brush at mine.

 

2. He was overly cautious to tell his family that we were dating. It took about 11 months before he finally told his mum.

 

3. He refused to call me his girlfriend for 5 months after we started going out.

 

4. It took him 4 months before he finally invited me to his.

 

5. We were together for 1.5 yrs, and first year or so he never took my phone calls and never returned my txt right away. He continued to do so whenever he was pissed off.

 

6. He never let me choose anything. If I asked him when we are meeting next he picked the date, but if I suggested a date he said, "Let's see how the week is turning." He asked me what film I wanted watch, but never happy with my pick and picked something else. If he suggested somewhere to go, and I said alternative he did not like it.

 

7. He is 38 and been in one 3 yrs relationship, but claims he never loved her. They never lived together and never discussed marriage. Other than that all other relations he had were very short lived.

 

8. He said he didn't love me yet after 13 months together.

 

9. He goes to like 2 or 3 friends' weddings a year, and never once took a date with him.

 

10. He spends 1 night a week at his mum's.

 

11. He has so many friends, so never gets bored.

 

12. He never stayed over at mine for more than 1 night, unless we went somewhere and he could not leave after.

 

13. He refused to add me on Facebook. Some of his ex and his flat mates were all on it.

 

The reasons I think he was not CP;

1. He always wanted me to meet his friends. He loved attending couples dinner parties and BBQ and such with me.

 

2. After telling his mum about me I was invited over hers so many times.

 

3. He urged me to get a pet and promised to raise it with me.

 

4. He was very affectionate, though never verbalizing his feelings.

 

5. He loved staying at mine when I was away, looking after the house and the pet. He regularly did so when I had to work late. (It was like a having a good husband.)

 

6. He always updated me with his work situations even when I did not ask. This included when he was changing his career, asking for my opinion.

 

7. He constantly email / txt/ call me when he found something I liked. He also suggested lots of things for us to do when he thought these were what I liked doing (even in reality I didn't.)

 

8. He always gave me lifts to airports.

 

So, is he, or isn't he? Did I dodge the bullet here? or was it me screwed up?

 

Any opinion welcome x

 

Thanks for reading x

[iBroken]

Sorry to be so blunt, but does it really matter if he was a commitment phobe?

 

Sitting back and analyzing reasons why the relationship didnt work only hinders your healing. Ask yourself this. What are you looking to accomplish out of this analysis? That people will say Oh yes, he was a CP. Do you truly deep down inside feel that this will help healing? Closure?

 

Dont take my post the wrong way. Im not flaming or bashing. Im just pointing out that we all do this (myself included - or used to rather) and looking back, I realize it gets me no where. Now, when thoughts of my ex pop into my head (I wonder how long she planned her out, is she with someone else etc), I just ask myself why I even care. Cause it doesnt change todays outcome. It doesnt change that I am not with my ex and am moving on. And as soon as I ask the question, the thoughts of my ex leave my head and return at a later time in the day LOL.

 

Rather then figuring out if he was a CP, when he fell out of love (all the questions we ask ourselves), just tell yourself it doesnt matter. Right now, you need to focus on you

 

Go to the spa, go have beers, get your hair did, buy some clothes or just see friends

 

Good luck

[baxxter]

No, I was expecting your kind of post, so that's OK. Iit helps me to hear what others think, because if he was indeed CP (which I didn't think he was when we were together) it changes everything that was there.

 

I have had sort of a closure and am happily moving on, but it's getting to the stage to decide whether or not to classify this relationship as "something to treasure as a good memory" or "one of those things that weren't really real".

 

My past relationships are all filed away after calm analysis. This one is puzzling me.

If it turned out to be my fault, then I need to learn from it, but at the moment I am not sure if it was.

 

(See, I am very positive again, today )

[iBroken]

.....but it's getting to the stage to decide whether or not to classify this relationship as "something to treasure as a good memory" or "one of those things that weren't really real".

 

How about another idea for classification.... "It just didnt work out"

 

I get where you are coming from and Im a bit further along then you are...so as I pass through stages, I need to pass this onto others........because really, why dwell on the what if's, or the oh why's.

 

Life is too short for that.

 

 

And yes, keep the positive vibes going

[Crazyaboutdogs]

People often use the term "commitmentphobic" as a catch all word. A person may not necessarily be commitmentphobic...they could simply be a jerk, not that interested in relationships in general and just want to have someone around to say they have someone, they could be ambivalent about the particular person they are dating, they could have emotional intimacy issues etc. Remember that even when someone gets married that doesn't mean they are not "commitmentphobic". Plenty of people get married and keep their spouse at arm's length because they have emotional intimacy issues.

[Hell_On_Heels]

Plenty of people get married and keep their spouse at arm's length because they have emotional intimacy issues.

 

True enough. That happened to me.

[Ms Darcy]

I think, from your first post, that it took your ex a long time to let you into his life but you never got all the way into his heart. That's my take ... I wouldn't have called it 'commitmentphobe.'

[Hell_On_Heels]

I think you dodged a bullet. No matter what he is or why he didn't have a fully loving intimate relationship with you is just a guess. Fact is, he didn't have that with you (or anyone else, it seems), and if a loving close relationship is what you want, then good riddance to him.

[baxxter]

How about another idea for classification.... "It just didnt work out"

 

I get where you are coming from and Im a bit further along then you are...so as I pass through stages, I need to pass this onto others........because really, why dwell on the what if's, or the oh why's.

 

Life is too short for that.

 

 

And yes, keep the positive vibes going

 

Thank you again for your post,

 

It's not really about what ifs, because I never regret anything in my life.

 

But I really rather better myself from this experience, to just file this away as "It just didn't work out." I am not sure if I am actually behind you in the process, but I have accepted the break-up and now taking a step back to analyze it, rather than dwelling on it to be sorry for myself.

 

Yes, I accepted "It just didn't work" excuse in the past because these failed relationship weren't meant to be and they were rather like accidents, but this one meant something to me.

 

Remember that even when someone gets married that doesn't mean they are not "commitmentphobic". Plenty of people get married and keep their spouse at arm's length because they have emotional intimacy issues.

 

This is very interesting. Never thought these people could get married!

That's also kinda scary to know.

 

I think, from your first post, that it took your ex a long time to let you into his life but you never got all the way into his heart. That's my take ... I wouldn't have called it 'commitmentphobe.'

 

Yeah, I thought so and rethought, thus this thread. thank you for your reply.

 

I always thought he was more emotionally distance, rather than CP. But towards the end it felt more like he was CP, because he started to bail as soon as things got domesticated (after the pet's arrival.)

 

I need to learn from this and be someone who can handle this sort of situation much better next time.

[LousySpy]

I think, from your first post, that it took your ex a long time to let you into his life but you never got all the way into his heart. That's my take ... I wouldn't have called it 'commitmentphobe.'

 

I agree with this. It sounds like the age old cliche 'he just wasn't that into you'. Sorry baxx. I was in the same position too so I know how you feel.

 

I think the best thing you can do now is work on accepting it, regardless of all the 'why's'. No point in dwelling on and analyzing his behaviour, you'll only delay letting go. Take care.

[LousySpy]

I need to learn from this and be someone who can handle this sort of situation much better next time.

 

That's the attitude I'm a bit further down the line from you (about 3 months broken up, 2 months hardcore NC) and it's now all about me. Our relationship was an uphill struggle from the outset. It was long distance, I was a rebound, she displayed traits of personality disorders right from the off, I was inexperienced, insecure and completely unequipped to handle it...if that was even possible. So it's now about myself and why I chose to stick it out and put so much into it when I was constantly fighting a losing battle and not getting back what I was putting in.

 

Focus on yourself too and just try and learn from the whole experience so you're stronger and wiser when the next one comes around.