Never Thought I'd be in this Position - Is this Normal?

[soporcogitavi]

I ended a 5 year relationship awhile ago, the whole process began in December. Me and my ex were spiralling negatively for almost 1 year and a 1/2. There were things that just werent changing no matter how we tried to fix it (the situation would correct itself for a couple weeks or months, then fallback to the same place). We would argue and she was verbally abusive towards me and my family often, she would make things personal, our sex life was pretty bad (sex once or twice a week max). She felt resentment towards me because I hadnt proposed to her. She was extremely stressed out with work and school, and as a result she took some of this anger out on me. I didnt help the situation either looking back on it now, I probably didnt give her enough space when she was angry and I stopped putting in effort. I cant blame the breakup on her solely, it was both of us in the relationship and it seemed toxic. I started thinking about how it would be to date other woman and see if there was someone more compatible. She claimed all her stress was a result of pressure from school and not having a real job, relying on me for money, so this is where the anger came from.

 

Many times I would tell her that if we were to stay together there would be many stresses in the relationship, kids, marriage, mortgage, etc... and that her attitude would probably not change. She insisted it would, I didnt see a change (although I probably didnt give it a ton of time to see the change). Also I felt that we were on different levels physically, as in she was more distant, I would be the one to iniate physical contact of most of the time, ex. kissing, hugging, sex etc.. She did have some great qualities, she was extremely thoughtful, family is absolutely amazing, family oriented, she would do anything for me, she's cute, sociable, funny, loves me deeply. However the anger issues, temper and other issues really led me to believe that we would not be compatible in the future and that the severity of our arguments would further increase when other factors came into play (she is the type to hangup the phone on your face in a disagreement after she has said her point, on when we would argue she would just walk away and try to avoid dealing with it). At one point I had envisioned a life with her, kids, marriage, our families together, but that seemed to disappear about 3 years into the relationship or so. She also claimed that the lack of sex and physical contact was due to her overwhelming stress.

 

So I ended the relationship, I had some alone time, worked on myself, dated some women, and found a great women, whom i'm currently with. She has essentially all the qualities im looking for in a partner, spontaneous, romantic, loving, caring, generous, thoughtful, beautiful. There is a few things that are missing in this relationship, she doesnt really have the same type of family life as I do, which is the result of a really tough childhood (the result of a parents death and other factors), she speaks another language which I speak fluently but my family does not as much, although they can be understood. So she's definitely less family oriented, although she is someone I can see myself starting a family with and in general is an incredible woman.

 

Now, me and my ex own a property together, and we have been seeing each other because of having to deal with sorting out on how we will sell the property. In the midst of this, my ex has had a bunch of discussions with me on our relationship, alot of them have been emotionally charged, and I cant help but feel some emotion in regards to someone ive spent almost 5 years with. And while I wish to feel nothing towards her, its just impossible. I cant seem to suppress them.

 

Most of the discussions have to deal with on how she has changed in the last 8 months, for herself, how she's a different person, and that school had caused her to be stressed out. She is still deeply in love with me, and cannot bear the though that im with someone else. The last conversation was extremely difficult for both of us, as we met the real estate agent that day to sell our property, and when the real estate agent left we both cried along time. She told me she hadnt been with anybody since we had broken up because she cant be with anyone else and only wants to be with me. She told me she was so hurt that the man she should be engaged to is telling her he has a girlfriend. I obviously still care for this girl, and that will never leave, and there is love for her.

 

I guess what im wondering is whether all this is nomal, the last conversation we had really had an impact on me and affected me emotionally, for the briefest moment I doubted my decision to end the relationship and doubted me being with my new GF. Although now the feelings have subsided (I would say). Is this my mind playing tricks on me? Usually Im extremely sure of myself, and I dont like to have doubt.

 

I have told my current GF about the conversations and the situation and she has been understanding, I havent told her about each and every emotion ive had, but she has been supportive.

 

What are your thoughts? I know this is a long thread and I appreciate your help here. I just feel a little uncertainty about everything for the first time in months.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I looked at your previous threads...you ended this relationship in December or so...very soon after you started dating again and by March you had a new girlfriend and declaring yourself in love very quickly..you even posted on here about moving in together. This relationship went at the speed of light a mere 3 months after you got out of a 5 year relationship in which there was still love but some compatibility issues. What you are experiencing is the standard rebound scenario. It happens all the time....the immediate jumping into a new relationship because "I am so healed and so over the old one" only to find out a few months later when the ex comes around that the old feelings resurface. You were not truly over your ex when you embarked on this new relationship...you simply transferred feelings over from one relationship to the new person. This is what typically happens in rebounds...and also, rebounders deny that they have rebounded. You need to sort out your feelings for your ex and decide whether or not you want to work things out with her. Having these unresolved feelings for your ex is not easy for your current gf who is probably now wondering if she was just a rebound.

[soporcogitavi]

I just dont know how to sort out these emotions, its too complicated and confusing. I mean, in my head i ended this relationship because ive always been under the impression that people dont change, is it possible that she can? I cant know that. I dont know if its love I feel for her or what? Or maybe I feel guilty or bad for her. If I look at the circumstances as to why we broke up, I dont know if it could ever work properly.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes, you may have had to end it because of compatibility issues....but that doesn't mean you were over the relationship. People end relationships all the time not because they want to but because the recognize that it is toxic to remain. When a person ends a relationship out of necessity rather than really wanting to do it then that is somewhat equivalent to getting dumped in the sense that the emotions are still high. That is why it is not the greatest idea to simply jump into dating and a new relationship until the past relationship is really put to rest.

[soporcogitavi]

Yes, you may have had to end it because of compatibility issues....but that doesn't mean you were over the relationship. People end relationships all the time not because they want to but because the recognize that it is toxic to remain. When a person ends a relationship out of necessity rather than really wanting to do it then that is somewhat equivalent to getting dumped in the sense that the emotions are still high. That is why it is not the greatest idea to simply jump into dating and a new relationship until the past relationship is really put to rest.

 

What do you think about the past relationship in general, from what I described? And what would you do in this position? I really do enjoy the dynamic of the new relatrionship, its great and I dont have regrets on starting it, maybe you were right and it was too soon. I just want to make sure I do the right thing? I know you probably cant help with that.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It sounds like the past relationship was very difficult and you reached a point where you tried and tried but nothing worked so in order to save yourself you walked away. Sometimes that is really the only choice. It also sounds like after you left your ex took stock of herself and realized where she went wrong. I will say however that although you think sex 1-2 times per week is bad...it is not bad at all. As you had mentioned to her about life and stresses..how often do you think sex would happen when raising a family...1-2 times a week would actually be an amazing sex life once you start having children. I think you didn't give it enough time to settle down before you were running and looking for a replacement. You still had ties to your ex because of the property. Right now you are in the "everything is new" phase with your gf so things look rosey compared to the long-term relationship you had. Give it a year from now and you might end up with other issues with the new gf..so comparing the life you have now with what you had in the last 1.5 years with your ex is not a good way to assess the health of your current relationship compared with the last one. Only you can decide what to do..but it is clear you still have unresolved feelings for your ex.

[odile]

It would be strange for you not to have any feelings whatsoever about your ex after being together for so long, but just because you care about her does not mean that it was a good match relationship-wise.

It sounds like the two of you gave the relationship enough time to have a chance to work, and it just didn't.

From what you have said, it really does sound like you made the right choice to move on, and so should she.

In my opinion, you should let her know that you care about her as a person, and that you are happy for her that she has grown since the breakup, but that you need her to respect the fact that you have moved on in your life, too.

[lostandhurt]

confused,

I would be worried if you didn't have these feelings and thoughts. You loved her and were with her a long time. Those things just don't go away just like that.

This is the long goodbye and the house was the last thing that bound you two together and now that will be gone soon. For her it is reality that you are really gone and it is really over. Acceptance comes harder for some. I am sure she still thinks you two would end up back together one day.

You are right that there will always be stress in her life and the way she handles it is not healthy.

It seems you gave this a lot of thought, worked on the relationship and then finally made the hard choice to end it. It is sad but I think you did what was best for both of you. I am glad to hear you are so open with your new gf but there is no reason to expose her to all your emotions regarding this. I suppose there will be a few more moments like this before it is finally over and you and your ex will not see each other ever again.

 

Lost

[soporcogitavi]

Thanks for helping me in reasoning out these emotions, its just really tough to see her heart broken, especially knowing what her expectations of the relationship and what she thought about us and the future. I guess its not only the fact that we're broken up that makes things hard, but I was really close to her family and its losing that as well taht hurts, they were great people and I know that I wont have that sort of connection with my new gf family as the dynamic is different. Im sure her family is hurting also they were pretty devastated and her father showed alot of emotion, he called me his son, so that was tough to hear. It may be the guilt of knowing how much pain this has caused that may be making me doubt the decision?

 

I just feel like im all over the map, which isnt good.

[odile]

About breaking up with your ex you say "the whole process began in December".

When exactly did you actually break up?

Even if it had happened in December, that's really not that long ago...

 

Also, how long did you wait before dating? And when was it that you met/started seriously dating your new girlfriend?

[soporcogitavi]

I really used this advice, and you're right the property is the last thing that binds us together and hence why the emotions are still surfacing, also partly because of all the work that was put into the place. Undoubtedly we would still have the property where we still together, but im confident with my decision and this is helping me accept that we must let go of that final tie.