Found web forum in which girlfriend acts smutty

[Anonybrit]

So I stumbled accross a forum my girlfriend thought I thought she didn't use any more, I didn't think she did, but apparently she does again, and I took a look at some of her posts and..

 

Boom.

 

Pages and pages and pages of her making smutty comments, saying such and such who post their picture is hot, posting her pics etc. generally playing this flirty, smutty persona.

 

And the biggest shock of all is that 1) she has led me to believe that she *hates* this kind of persona, that it's pathetic and and she constantly calls girls out on it and 2) if I was to even remotely make a smutty comment to another girl she would go ballistic.

 

I feel betrayed, confused, I know she hasn't actually gone and physically done anything, it's all just chat on this forum, but it's literally like finding a vegetarian girlfriend on a meat lovers website revelling in how much she loves meat, after slapping my wrists for years if I so much as look at a piece of bacon..

 

What.. the... hell?

 

What does this mean? I have a bad feeling that this is all alluding to some twisted subconscious

[misssmithviii]

Your feelings are right in my book.

 

She's lied to you, deceived you and has been having one too many faces/personas. That's an immediate breakup material for me IMO. I can't possibly respect someone who doesn't respect me, nor themselves enough to be honest and open in a relationship.

 

I'd leave personally, call me drastic but at that point I wouldn't care anymore... but then again I have this wonderful knack that when I find something so disgusting to me about a person ESPECIALLY a two-faced flirt, everything else just goes out the window and I know I want better.

[Periwinkle.]

Yes... it seems as though she has self-esteem issues. But that is a really dishonest and hypocritical thing to do to you... you don't deserve that and I don't think you should put up with it.

[Anonybrit]

Ugh... yeah I was worried you'd all agree...

 

It's the fact that to me she makes out she hates this kind of thing, then I find out she completely indulges it on this forum.

 

Her excuse is "it's just a persona, it's just a persona" or "it's just a way to kill time" - is it just me or do neither of those "excuses" actually mean anything at all?

[In the Dark]

Hey mate!

Bummer you are back.

Not the same girl is it?

[greywolf]

I think that deep down she knows that she's really 'smutty' but she hates that in herself and doesn't accept herself for it, and is unable to accept it in others as well.

[NightLily]

I think the issue is that she is insecure and wants you to stay away from the girls that throw themselves at guys in general so she tries to convince you how bad they are.

 

But then she needs the male attention from you and other guys and for you to only give your attention to her.

 

This doesn't need to be a deal breaker in my books.. maybe just talk to her about it.

[Anonybrit]

You guys have pretty much nailed EXACTLY on the head what I am thinking.

 

The question is then, what does this mean? So she has this vain, smutty underside that likes to show off her pics and flirt inappropriately, what do I do about it, is this the kind of thing that inevitably leads to big problems?

 

 

 

@ In the Dark, yeah

[misssmithviii]

Well my personal rule has always been if my partner even has the ability to lie or deceive me in any way, then the capability to hide/manipulate and feel little enough remorse to keep it secret from me is enough to break it off.

 

I think that greywolf is really on point here - what I've found is that the majority of people hate in other people what they hate about themselves. Once I realized that, I noticed it in A LOT of people.

She shouldn't need this attention and frankly it's disrespectful to you and your relationship. It's not even a personal thing, I guarantee 99.9% of people would be very, very offended by this and they have every right to be.

 

Attention-hungry is a huge red flag. People like that will flock to whomever shows them the most attention, the most exciting and stimulating... even forbidden/new attention.

 

My man is enough for me, I enjoy the subtle, tasteful compliments but I receive them with grace and no instigation on my part. The only man I want to receive sexual attention from (and flirting is sexual attention) is my man.

 

You have to ask yourself, she's been doing this behind your back - who says she won't keep doing it? Are you even ok with the idea that she has legitimately no problem deceiving you - no matter what level? Do you want to continue on a relationship with a girl who feeds off of attention from other guys, yet gives you the double standard? Or even continue a relationship with a girl who obviously doesn't have enough of a conscious to NOT do something that's disrespectful to you?

 

... do you even want to be with somebody like that?

 

I wouldn't. But then again I have high standards and only compromise on things that have NOTHING to do with respect, honesty, loyalty and morality.

[Anonybrit]

Everything you say is completely correct, it's just the fact that we've been together for 3 years, been through a lot, and when it isn't for things like this our relationship seems perfect and it'd be very painful to leave her.

 

But like I say, everything you've said is 100% reasonable and I agree with it all.

 

One thing you said in particular:

 

people hate in other people what they hate about themselves

 

This is very very very true of her, and when I point out what the implications of something she has done are, if it's one of those things she really doesn't want to be (eg. smutty) then she will get furious and build up this elaborate paper-thin excuse and completely deny it.

 

Going back to the vegetarian analogy, it's like seeing her eating a burger and telling her "well you're not a vegetarian then.." and her saying "yes I am! this burger just fell into my mouth omg!" - and she really believes it. Her brain instantly flicks on this impervious defence mechanism and no matter how ridiculous, she actually believes it 100%.

 

 

 

 

We had a big fight about it yesterday, I am waiting for her to wake up to talk about it more calmly. If she was someone who didn't have a go at me for doing things like that, and didn't pretend to hate it in front of me, then I wouldn't be anywhere near as hurt, but given all that it just makes her seem untrustworthy, two faced and a slave to her weird deviant urges...

[greywolf]

I don't think the behavior itself is a problem. The part that bothers me is that she tried to keep it from you.

[anya1607307555]

Sorry, but I think the main issue is that you've been trying over and over to fit a square peg into a round hole for 3 years. No matter how much you try to make a successful relationship happen, she doesn't appear to be the person you think/hope she is. From the facts that you have posted, there doesn't seem to be much respect coming from her end and you cannot magic it there.

[savignon]

It seems like you're willing to be in colusion with her....meaning, when she "believes herself 100%" you accept it since you can't convince her otherwise.

The red flags and what would be deal-breakers for me are the following (in the order I would rate them in importance)

1. Not being able to take responsibility/ownership of their own attitudes, actions or belief system(s)

2. Not understanding how *I* feel because they can only repeat their own feelings ad naseum

3. engaging in any behavior that is "secret" to me after being together for THREE YEARS

4. the hypocricy of hating this kind of behavior publicly and engaging in it privately

5. flirting with other people, acting trashy and excusing it as a "persona"/not a big deal

 

Those would be my top 5 reasons for not spending another year with this person. Not because "she has an online account with trashy pictures"...but for the lack of self-awareness, lack of taking responsibility for his/her actions, the manipulation ("it's just a persona!") and the overall lack of confidence it would leave me with if my partner couldn't see beyond their own point of view and thought it was okay to engage in that kind of behavior behind my back.

[savignon]

you've been trying over and over to fit a square peg into a round hole for 3 years

 

This is what I imagined would come out. The fact that you would ask if the "persona" excuse is legit makes me wonder what kind of self-esteem and confidence you have going on. If someone stayed with me while I disrespected them over and over again, my respect for them would be less and less....I think, though, that people who are routinely treated as second class citizens wait around for the moment they'll be treated like more. However, they're caught up in such a self-destructive pattern of taking it that it just continues. When you know and believe that you deserve more, you will seek it out. Until then, you'll hear yourself saying, "Well, yea, she's on a trasy site and posts trashy pictures and talks trashy to other guys...but it's just a persona".

It seems she easily fed to you that "girls like that are trashy" and you started to believe that and now she's going to feed you "what I do online doesn't count" and you'll start believing that too.

[Anonybrit]

I understand what you're saying anya and savignon, and I agree with a lot of your conclusions. Probably I do have self esteem issue, but my life is so hectic at the moment I don't feel like I have time to deal with them.

 

By the way though, they are trashy photos, they're just kind of myspace/facebook type photos, it's just that she posts them on a regular basis. Someone even made an animated gif with about 10 of her photos looping over and over...

 

Very disturbing.

[savignon]

I understand what you're saying anya and savignon, and I agree with a lot of your conclusions. Probably I do have self esteem issue, but my life is so hectic at the moment I don't feel like I have time to deal with them.

 

By the way though, they are trashy photos, they're just kind of myspace/facebook type photos, it's just that she posts them on a regular basis. Someone even made an animated gif with about 10 of her photos looping over and over...

 

Very disturbing.

 

Read your excuses for your behavior and her behavior. It's your life, my friend and I won't tell you what to do...but after three years of wondering why things are the same painful mess....here you have it. It would be a shame to see you here another year from now asking about how you could have wasted 4 years of your life when you're saying TODAY, in advance, that you don't have time to develop self-esteem and "well, the pictures aren't bad....it's just that she posts all the time".

I'm sad for you that you can say and even write those things and then move forward in the same direction.

[In the Dark]

You gave her another shot.

 

But as you can see....she has double standards.

 

I can not possibly see this working out.

Why does she seek out the attention of other men when she has you?

 

I think you know she will continue this kind of unfair behavior while she is with you.

 

She could not care less if you two were together if you were doing the same thing as her.

 

I have a feeling further down the line this only going to get worse.

 

She is making herself secure with you by telling you not to do the things she is doing and lied to you about what she is doing to be able to look like she is not doing anything wrong when she does know it's wrong.

 

The chances are her lies will only get worse and worse due to her past behavior as I do remember we have talked about.

 

She does not feel there are any consequences great enough to be inflicted by you to cause her to be considerate of your feelings.

 

A lot of disrespect there towards you.

She wants to do what she wants to do whether you like it or not.

 

I'd say you have been rather forgiving of her behavior in other ways too.....

 

Don't be a doormat and take it just because you love her beyond reason.

Have dignity in yourself.

 

But the issue lies with......can you walk away?

 

Or do you love her beyond reason, that the thought of her not being there and probably for someone else is going to be too painful to bear?

 

I doubt she is going to listen to rational reasoning.

 

Who knows why she is like this and has carried on this way even though you show how much you are there for her.

 

Finally......I doubt she will change for you but try to make you look like he bad person for what disrespect she is showing you.

[misssmithviii]

I am beginning to see this going deeper into a co-dependecy kind of issue, and lack of self-respect to be frank with you OP.

 

Couples may have disagreements, arguments, fights that may include some mean or harsh things said, or disrespectful things even - but the difference there is remorse, the promise to work to be better, the openness and honesty to admit when they're at fault, and the progress shown afterwards.

 

Your gf is completely disrespecting you and the relationship, yet you make excuses for her that amount to nothing towards solving the problem. The more excuses you make, the more you're going to stay in your situation and nothing will improve... you, in a sense will be CHOOSING to continue a life like this with someone like this.

Please don't mistake time-spent-together as a reason to stay with someone, it really makes no difference.

 

I say this a lot: Everyone makes a decision, and doing nothing is making the decision to remain in your current situation.

 

So if you want to keep making excuses and saying "but she..." "we were together for 3 years" and "it'd be so hard to leave" - that's not going to solve anything.

Is it really harder to leave and respect yourself by doing so, and not settling for someone who's manipulative and disrespectful as well as a borderline pathological liar (by legitimately believing her own dishonest manipulations as if true) - or staying with this...

[RBfan]

Hmmm... Some pretty apocalpytic responses to this one. This comment from the OP stood out to me:

 

If she was someone who didn't have a go at me for doing things like that, and didn't pretend to hate it in front of me, then I wouldn't be anywhere near as hurt, but given all that it just makes her seem untrustworthy, two faced and a slave to her weird deviant urges...

 

So it's the double standard that really bothers you, right? The secrecy is problemmatic also. I think you've done the right thing in addressing it head on; what else does she have to say about it at this point?

 

Also of note, I believe you used the phrase 'led me to believe'; has she out & out lied to you about this? Just wondering, it does make a bit of a difference.

 

T

[PussInBoots]

I understand what you're saying anya and savignon, and I agree with a lot of your conclusions. Probably I do have self esteem issue, but my life is so hectic at the moment I don't feel like I have time to deal with them.

 

By the way though, they are trashy photos, they're just kind of myspace/facebook type photos, it's just that she posts them on a regular basis. Someone even made an animated gif with about 10 of her photos looping over and over...

 

Very disturbing.

 

Oh ekk seriously? they looped over and over? thats all kinds of freaky if I saw that happening with my partner ide pack it in.

 

Im new here I don't even know your hole story but shes two faced if nothing else its now up to you if thats a disarable trait in a partner for you?

[Circe]

You guys have pretty much nailed EXACTLY on the head what I am thinking.

 

The question is then, what does this mean? So she has this vain, smutty underside that likes to show off her pics and flirt inappropriately, what do I do about it, is this the kind of thing that inevitably leads to big problems?

 

 

 

@ In the Dark, yeah

 

Maybe she's just a little afraid of her sexuality. Or confused by it? Or wants to deny it. So on the one hand she verbally says that flirting online is deplorable.. on the other hand she explores that side under the safe guise of an annonymous persona.