Just want me for sex?

[WomanGirlHeart]

I'll try to sum up (so sorry that my sum up is crazy long) and get to the point...

 

Basically a year ago in August I met a great guy (VERY SHY though, I'm not so it works, I talk, he listens, he gets uncomfortable when I put him on the spot or ask tough questions, but I'm pretty laid back, so I don't worry about it), the 1st 3 weeks were amazing. He's younger than me; I was 32 and he was 27. Then, he started doing silly things, like saying he would do something and then not do it (not huge things, but still I grew concerned). He made plans with me and I never heard from him that day at all - it was an awful feeling. So, I ended it. Then we tried to be friends and that only led to kissing again...yadayada. So, back together we were. Christmas came and I met his family at a couple family events, it was nice.

 

We had not had sex yet - why? Becuase of the silly things he kept doing, IO held him at arms length. I know this was frusterating for him. I don't care. I never give myself to someone I don't trust when in a relationship. But, I believed together we could get to a really great place.

 

Know this - he was never mean to me, in fact, he cooked me dinner often and was always sweet...just slightly disrespectful, which I chalked up to his age.

 

Just before NYE he was acting odd - via text message (another problem for me - why/how do people have relationships this way? What happened to picking up the phone?) I asked him if was being this way because we weren't having sex - he said no, it's more, he feels like I don't care.

 

NYE - he went away with his buddies, I had bought tickets to an event while we were broken up so, he couldn't come with me. At about 2:00AM we were texting, he was very drunk and told me he was in love with me but he didn't understand why I didn't want to have sex with him...he knows why, I had already explained that until he grew up a little, I would hold him at arms length...with my heart as well. Anyway, during the conversation he broke up with me because we were NOT having sex - ouch!!

 

I walked away as I obviously am not interested in someone that is in it just for sex, I really thought it was more for us.

 

He kept contacting me...never asking to see me or wanting me back...but I felt like that's what he did want. I felt like he did this to make me beg for him to stay, show that I cared and of course, have sex with him. His plan back fired and he was lost.

 

I told him to leave me alone. He did.

 

I have seen him twice in passing, a moment in time, nothing more. I couldn't even look at him I was so disgusted.

 

Time passed, I recently have started to think of him and the good times we had. And, I do know that he is a great guy, I truly believe that. Part of me always thought we'd come back to eachother when he grew up a bit, you know? I felt right with him eventhough there were issues.

 

Two days ago I found he was moving to the other side of the country in a month. I sent him a text to wish him luck. We went back and forth, he told me he really did love me and thinks of me all the time, etc. He came over, we talked a bit, but I felt it was pointless to beat a dead horse, so I didn't really ask about the past. I don't know if I care...he's leaving.

 

OK - FINALLY THE QUESTION...

 

Do I throw caution to the wind and open myself up to him again, knowing he's leaving with a possibility of never seeing him again. But, at least we'll have a month of amazing fun.

 

OR

 

Do I cherish the night we just spent together talking, kissing, feeling that comfort I've always felt with him and walk away?

 

....Is he just trying to have sex with me before he goes???

 

Confused, worried for my heart, but terrified to never feel love...?

[greywolf]

I don't think he broke up with you just because he wasn't getting sex. IMO it's pretty pointless being in a relationship with someone if you're just going to keep them at an arm's length. I also think you used it as some form of control. In your post you said that you didn't want to have sex with him until he grew up. If he wasn't grown up enough for you, why be in a relationship with him at all? I don't think anybody wants a partner who makes them feel like they aren't good enough.

 

As for your question, no one can really answer that except you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sounds like there was a mutual communication problem between the two of you. Did you ever progress to the point where you were officially a couple or was all of this casual?

[biggerheart]

If you are in the habit of holding people away until you trust him, there was probably a reason that caused it. The practice tells me you are probably not a sex for fun without a connection type of person. You are more likely to get hurt - he wants sex, he made that clear. You wanted better behavior from him, and he can't give it. You know the risks to your emotions. You have to weigh it and decide. I myself would worry to much about the coming end day to fully enjoy it.

[WomanGirlHeart]

I don't think he broke up with you just because he wasn't getting sex. IMO it's pretty pointless being in a relationship with someone if you're just going to keep them at an arm's length. I also think you used it as some form of control. In your post you said that you didn't want to have sex with him until he grew up. If he wasn't grown up enough for you, why be in a relationship with him at all? I don't think anybody wants a partner who makes them feel like they aren't good enough.

 

As for your question, no one can really answer that except you.

 

No, it wasn't a form of control. I guess I mis-typed. I meant that I needed to know that he was serious about me and I never felt that he was because of the things he sometimes did. I would feel like everything was going great, and I would be all in for the sex, then he would do something that made my wall go back up and we'd start at square one. Does that make more sense? I never made him feel like he wasn't good enough, but as a woman, I'm also not a fool - men want sex at the end of the day, well, sorry, I don't have sex just because they want it, I actually have to want it too. I think that's only logical.

[DN]

I don't think he broke up with you just because he wasn't getting sex. IMO it's pretty pointless being in a relationship with someone if you're just going to keep them at an arm's length. I also think you used it as some form of control. In your post you said that you didn't want to have sex with him until he grew up. If he wasn't grown up enough for you, why be in a relationship with him at all? I don't think anybody wants a partner who makes them feel like they aren't good enough.

 

As for your question, no one can really answer that except you.

I agree with this. But will ask - how would you manage the relationship if you did get back together given the impending long distance?

[WomanGirlHeart]

Sounds like there was a mutual communication problem between the two of you. Did you ever progress to the point where you were officially a couple or was all of this casual?

 

I agree - it was like that I think. I do feel like he was confused, unsure of where he stood with me. We never really talked about that, I assumed that my actions spoke for themself...I tend to be different from most girls that talk everything out...I'm sort of laid back about stuff. I do my own thing, very independent, go out with my friends, my best friend is a male too...maybe it was all intimidating, I don't know.

 

And, he's too shy to ever bring it up. I guess I shouldn't have assumed...?

[WomanGirlHeart]

If you are in the habit of holding people away until you trust him, there was probably a reason that caused it. The practice tells me you are probably not a sex for fun without a connection type of person. You are more likely to get hurt - he wants sex, he made that clear. You wanted better behavior from him, and he can't give it. You know the risks to your emotions. You have to weigh it and decide. I myself would worry to much about the coming end day to fully enjoy it.

 

No, I'm not in the habit...I have had fun (only 2 times, I'm also not a serial one-nighter) one nighters with people I knew, just didn't want anything more from them then that.

 

But, when I want to be in a relationship, I worry about trust, so I hold them at arms length until I feel like a true connection and trust has been built.

[WomanGirlHeart]

I agree with this. But will ask - how would you manage the relationship if you did get back together given the impending long distance?

 

I think the only way would be to have fun until he leaves and end it the day he goes. I don't want him going there with baggage, he's actually doing this to try to "find" himself a little (not the whole reason, but partly). He needs to just do his own thing. It's likely he's never coming back.

 

So, as strange as it sounds I feel like I could open myself up completely because I would know that he's not ending things because he doesn't like me, but because he has to...I think that would less harmful to my ego - Hahah! Crazy, I know...silly, stupid even, but it is what it is.

[DN]

That seems like a very good way to get hurt. And to hurt him.

[greywolf]

I think the only way would be to have fun until he leaves and end it the day he goes. I don't want him going there with baggage, he's actually doing this to try to "find" himself a little (not the whole reason, but partly). He needs to just do his own thing. It's likely he's never coming back.

 

So, as strange as it sounds I feel like I could open myself up completely because I would know that he's not ending things because he doesn't like me, but because he has to...I think that would less harmful to my ego - Hahah! Crazy, I know...silly, stupid even, but it is what it is.

 

If that's what you decide to do, make sure that the two of you are both on the same page.

[WomanGirlHeart]

That seems like a very good way to get hurt. And to hurt him.

 

I know, you're right. Part of me knows this. But, part of me just wants to be around him, he has the most amazing smile...and I love his smell.

[WomanGirlHeart]

If that's what you decide to do, make sure that the two of you are both on the same page.

 

That makes it so serious...not really my style...but apparently, my style isn't working, eh?

[gixxerdude]

kinda hard to understand what exactly the problem with him was..you say he "was never mean to me", cooked you dinner often and was always sweet to you. But his problem was that he needed to "grow up", which is too vague to get anything from.

 

i think if he just wanted to get in your pants the entire time he would never have done the things he did for you. Sex is part of a relationship. Just because he wanted to have sex with you doesn't mean thats the only thing he wanted from you.

[WomanGirlHeart]

kinda hard to understand what exactly the problem with him was..you say he "was never mean to me", cooked you dinner often and was always sweet to you. But his problem was that he needed to "grow up", which is too vague to get anything from.

 

i think if he just wanted to get in your pants the entire time he would never have done the things he did for you. Sex is part of a relationship. Just because he wanted to have sex with you doesn't mean thats the only thing he wanted from you.

 

I did mention that he stood me up, and would say things and not follow through...there's more, but I just didn't want people to get the idea that he was a big jerk, because he really wasn't. But, he made me pull away when he would do those things (I would hope that any girl would too as that's not appropriate or respectful behaviour).

 

Sex is part of a relationship...but it never felt like we had one, I guess I needed to know that from him. And, no one ever said there was anyting wrong with him wanting to have sex with me (he better want that! haha!), it was more that he broker up with me because of it without ever actually talking to me outside of a vague text message.

[savignon]

You said you wouldn't have sex with someone you didn't trust....I wonder why you would date anyone in the first place that you didn't trust. I agree with the poster who said not having sex was a form of control or game playing. Saying or implying that you'll have sex once the other person...(grows up, gets a job, ...fill in the blank) is a way of manipulating that person. I don't blame him for questioning things and in his shoes would have felt very insecure and not good enough. I also agree that if he were in it for the sex, he wouldn't have done all the other things...plus there was no sex, so he couldn't have been with you "for the sex".

The fact that you could sleep with him *now* "for fun" makes me raise an eyebrow as well...he is no more grown up and is otherwise the same person you denied sex to and didn't trust throughout your relationship. Why bother giving him "just sex" now when that's what you were trying to avoid the whole time?

[WomanGirlHeart]

Whoa there girl - I never said I wanted to have sex with him now and that was it...! Haha! Geez, what kinda girl do you think I am!!?? I just want to be around him, laugh with him, watch him cook, smell him, kiss him, etc; but I'm worried about setting myself up for a broken heart.

 

And, I'm not sure if I typed incorrectly or if you took it wrong...1) I never said he was with me "for the sex" (cause there was none)...he IS the one that said that he was ending things because I wasn't having sex with him (which I'm shocked that I'm the only one who thinks that's terrible). 2) The trust wasn't about him cheating or anything like that, more that I did trust him in the beginning, because he made me feel like he was SO into me (it was amazing), but then he started to do things that were disrespectful and I was thrown off a little every time it happened...hence the trust started to lessen.

 

Hopefully that clarifies.

[greywolf]

I think your view of sex is a little unhealthy. No one has said that just wanting sex from him makes you a bad person. And him wanting sex from a relationship doesn't make him a bad person either. For many people it's a necessary part of a relationship just like affection.

 

Like I said, if you decide to have a relationship with him before he leaves, then you need to make sure that he is on the same page as you. It's only wrong when you mislead a person.

[savignon]

he IS the one that said that he was ending things because I wasn't having sex with him (which I'm shocked that I'm the only one who thinks that's terrible

 

You weren't having sex with him because he wasn't "grown up enough" and even told him as much (if I read that correctly). That's why nobody is shocked. If a guy said he wanted to stay a virgin or otherwise had his own reasons for not having sex, that would be one thing...but if I guy told me flat out we can have sex "when I grow up" that would be the end of that.

If I misread it, I don't think I'm the only one because the other reactions are similar. What was the reason you gave him for not having sex with him?

[agatha]

I'm going to get beaten up bad for saying this, but I think you should grow up past your ice walls and decide wether you want what he has to offer or not. You can't choose to turn him into what you want him to be. He is who he is, and you should respect that. All he received on this relationship was what you were willing to give, all you got was what he was willing to give as well. take or leave was your choice to make.

 

neither was getting enough, communication failed and you know where that lead to. if you do the same thing all over again, you'll get the same frustrating results.

 

me, in your place? I'd give us a chance, I'd do whatever it pleased, in any position that pleased us both, and close that book thinking 'yeah, I have no regrets there'. birth control and condoms were invented for a reason ; )

[obs]

You do know that it isn't wrong for a woman to want to have sex with someone right? What happened here is pretty clear. He wanted to have sex, you didn't. He wasn't looking for a one night stand, or to "use" you for sex. In his view that was simply a part of a relationship he wanted after you got to know each other.

 

You then used sex as a tool to try to change his bad habits, which just drove him away. You even told him this. It's no wonder he started ignoring you. You even said he was sweet, cooked for you, etc. No one's perfect. Trying to use sex as a way to "fix" someone is wrong.