Social Anxiety, Loneliness, and Life

[-John-]

I don't really know where to begin. I hope something good can come of this. I will try not to go on too long.

 

First of all, I have lurked the eNotAlone forums for quite a while -- about a little over a year -- and I want to start off by saying that you have a fine community here. I have immensely enjoyed following many of the discussions. Even if I wasn't a participant, it was still comforting, in a way, to read many things with which I can deeply relate.

 

For virtually my entire life, I have suffered from social anxiety and depression. I was more or less able to tolerate these things through my teenage years. And then, when I entered college about seven years ago, I had hope that I could makes changes and things would be better. But they only persisted, until I suffered a collapse and dropped out of school. I shut myself off from the world and literally did not leave the house for five years.

 

I had long cultivated the notion that my social anxiety was the result of something inherently damaged within my mind, which could not be fixed. I blamed such "damage" on years of harassment and abuse from fellow children with which I never learned to cope. And as I entered adulthood, I began to suspect that, at critical stages of my social development, I never learned how to psychologically combat such abuse in ways other children do -- by asserting their own identity and independence.

 

If someone harassed me, I never really stood up for myself. I never really thought that the problem lay with them. I blamed myself: What did I do wrong? Why do I deserve this?

 

Sometime around my Junior and Senior years of high school, I realized that years of cultivating this poisonous and insidious thinking had ingrained itself into my mind -- they were no longer patterns of thoughts; they were simply my thoughts. This realization caused me some despair, but with graduation, I remained optimistic that if I tried hard enough it could change. College would be a fresh start, a chance to do things anew, do things right. Looking back, I realize now that this was a bit naive, not having addressed the central problems: my thoughts had not changed; I still indulged in self-pity at still having social anxiety and never having a job or girlfriend, etc. If thoughts do not change, nor do actions.

 

So, after a couple of years in college, I dropped out. I didn't know how to change my thoughts (I still don't, really). I retreated from the world. This lasted for five years.

 

Eventually I grew tired of it, frustrated with it, and tried to seek treatment. Since doing this, I have ambiguous feelings about counseling and prescription medication, which I am on.

 

At one point I tried volunteering. I've always wanted to help and serve others. But I couldn't get over the anxiety, so I stopped.

 

Six months ago, I decided to return to college. I am now in two summer classes. Once again, I resolved to make changes. But also, once again, I fear the same will only happen again.

 

Once again, I find myself steadily, slowly sliding back into those patters of thought -- those patterns which became my thoughts: self-pity at never having a job (despite seeking them), at never having a girlfriend or any kind of companionship, and resultant chronic loneliness.

 

And now, as I grow older, I find that these thoughts are accompanied with increasing frustration. I am frequently irritable and I increasingly have trouble tolerating other people's opinions. I am increasingly angry, sometimes for no discernible reason. It's as though my depression and despair is simply turning into raw bitterness.

 

I realize: "I wouldn't even want me as an employee; why should I expect anyone else to? I wouldn't even want me as a boyfriend; why should I expect anyone else to? etc."

 

One final note: I try my utmost to take personal responsibility for my actions and state in life. I try as much as possible not to blame anyone else for where I am, who I am, or what I do. Where I am in life is no one's fault but my own. But I feel like I should mention that there have been times when I suspect the fact that I lived a relatively sheltered life contributed in some way to these things (I even still live with my parents). Sometimes I wonder whether I could even take care of myself independently.

 

Anyway, I think I've gone on long enough. I said I would try not to go on too long, so I will end here. Any replies are greatly appreciated.

 

Again, this is a fine community, I've enjoyed reading it over the last year, and you all should be proud.

[Thx]

Hello John, glad you finally posted.

 

(I lurked for awhile myself.)

 

With a few exceptions our stories are much the same.

 

I have basically been an orphan since my early 20s, all alone, no girlfriend, few friends...

 

Maybe it wasn't too hard for me in that I was an only child to a single parent, still, my whole family passed away in the early 80s when my father died.

 

You know, he was married three times and ended up all alone except for me.

 

I wondered how he did it and why he pretty much quit the dating scene after he divorced my mother.

 

At 50, after all these years I think I am starting to understand how and why.

 

We are both alone you and I, and maybe for the duration.

 

This might be kind of hard to say and understand...

 

But I must say it anyway, so what...?

 

Do you know how many guys I have met along the way that were just miserable with their girlfriend? Practically every one.

 

Just the other day one of the few friends I keep told me how jazzed he was that after 25 years the "old lady" finally turned him loose.

 

How many elderly people do you know who did everything for their kids only to end up being neglected by them?

 

We must learn to cherish the time we have no matter what the circumstance.

 

There are advantages to being with others and there is the same to being alone.

 

Being alone is nothing to have anxiety over.

 

We don't need therapy and we don't need medication because there is nothing wrong with us.

 

Look at all the neurotic people trapped in "happy, satisfying relationships"...

 

Five years is a long time, do what you want of course, but don't feel that there is something wrong with being alone.

 

(After you have a few more posts you will be able to PM... PM some time if you want.)

 

Thx

[LightbulbSun]

I can really relate to this post. For a while, I thought something was also wrong with me, that couldn't be fixed. I couldn't understand why I couldn't flirt back with girls who showed interest in me, why I couldn't keep a job, why friends avoided my phone calls or got off the phone as soon as possible when I called them.

 

All these years later, do you know what I realized? It's not me, it's them.

 

I can't help it if girls don't want a shy guy. If they like me until I open my mouth, and show them that I'm too shy to make a move...well, it's their loss. Surely I could work on my shyness, but da*n it, I really don't have to! Shy people get into relationships all the time, and if someone calls me creepy or weird for being quiet and a loner, well, it's on them. I don't call them idiotic for being loudmouths, so they shouldn't call me weird for choosing to keep to myself and be a gentleman.

 

Society is screwed up, seriously. You see movies like "Date Movie", where overweight women are made fun of, and tv shows where men are displayed as stupid buffoons that only follow women around for sex, and are basically passive in their relationships. Then you have real life relationships, where the opposite occurs, and passivity is a turnoff to women. So there are all these mixed messages being thrown at both men and women (to women, it's be thin and pretty, to the extent of being a stick figure; to men, it's be a Romeo who will sweep her off her feet)...well, the extent of men like curvy women (so that one is false), and the extent of women like extroverted men who aren't too self servant (so THAT one is false.)

 

My mistake was growing up and listening to all that crap. It's ALL false. Society breeds involuntary celibacy, just by the standards they set. So you shouldn't feel badly for being in that group, because I am too, and it's just something that happens.

 

As far as being happy by yourself, that's your best bet at this point. You don't NEED a partner to be happy. I'm happy by myself. I don't imagine that I would be able to find a girl who would enjoy listening to Porcupine Tree and Yes, and watching horror movies, and discussing the new Stephen King novel. Maybe she exists, but I haven't found her yet, and probably never will. Does that make my life worthless? No, because I have a lot of interests that keep my life worthwhile.

 

Another piece of advice is to throw yourself into a hobby. Any hobby, but pick one that you're interested in and that makes you feel happy and fulfilled. Also, maybe some volunteer work? Once you distract your mind from being alone, you'll find yourself surrounded by like minded people.

[-John-]

Thx,

 

Thank you for reply.

 

Telling myself "So what?" is something that I actually did for a long time, and for a while it sustained me. But it's hard to keep that up. I guess I just have to try harder.

 

I like what you said about cherishing the time we have. That's definitely something I continue to tell myself. One of the things I often think about is that it could be worse, you know? I'm actually quite fortunate -- to have the opportunity, after all this time, to go back to school and still make something of my life. A lot of people don't have that. Having anxiety and loneliness isn't the worst thing in the world.

[-John-]

LightbulbSun,

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

I understand what you mean about society being "screwed up." That's true in a lot of ways. On a conscious level, I stopped listening to all of those societal messages; but on a subconscious level, I think I still do, otherwise I wouldn't still have this anxiety and depression. That's something I have to work on, I guess.

 

I actually do have a few hobbies. I'm a philosophy major, so I enjoy reading that stuff. And I'm a computer science minor, so I really enjoy programming. I'm also sort of an aspiring writer, though I don't put as much effort into it as I should. But maybe someday I'll actually be published. We'll see.

 

On volunteering, I have definitely thought about trying that again. I only did it for two months, until I just gave in to my anxiety and stopped. But I do want to try again.

[YakasJourney]

Philosopher? Writer? Computer science?

 

Those are all amazing interests and there is someone (many people even) who would be quite interested in your talents. The point is that everyone else has their own set of unique talents and they won't necessarily overlap with yours. What really matters is whether you love and accept yourself. And from your post, it is clear that you do not yet. Social anxiety is something many people have. You might be surprised to find out, that most people you meet are struggling (or have struggled with) the same problems you are facing today. They are perhaps more adept at dealing with them, or have found ways to compensate. For example they become super high achievers so that people come to them. Or they project an image that is always happy and cheerful, even if they don't feel that way on the inside. You will find that most every person you meet is very nearly as complicated as you are, just in a unique way. But to learn this lesson you must keep interacting with people and getting to know them on a deeper level. Don't be afraid to show yourself to people, and they'll accept you. The good people will, anyway.

[-John-]

Thanks for the reply, Yakas.

 

I certainly know there are other people who go through the same things I'm going through. Though, sometimes I suspect most of those people deal with them a lot better than I have. I'm just not very good at it.

 

But at least I have a lot to keep me busy, and I have the capacity to do it. I'm thankful for that.

[itsallgrand]

Welcome to the forum, John. I hope to see more of your posts.

[noneStar]

Hi John,

 

I can relate to your struggle with negative internal dialogue and I just wanted to add this:

 

You don't have to believe every thought that comes into your head. You have to challenge yourself in that way, to beat them down. It's your choice, you have the power to decide what thoughts you believe in, what thoughts you are willing to entertain, etc. At some point, once you've honed this skill, you'll be able to control your thoughts, and only think thoughts that help you.

 

I've also dealt with social anxiety and loneliness my entire life but since I've learned that I can fight back my negative thoughts, it's completely changed my life. Be good to yourself, if no one else will be, and I guarantee you will feel a whole let better and more empowered.

[AZGeo]

Ditto what noneStar said. You can gain control of yout thoughts over time. There are times now when you feel powerful and confident, aren't there. When you write a program that solves a problem and you see that it works. When you discuss or even think thru a philosophical position and defend it or point out the weak spots because you understand it. When you write something and look at it days later and say, "this is pretty good!"

 

Try starting and ending your day with thoughts of when and where you are confident. Let the thought come to you and stay with it until you feel the feelings, remembering that; go about your day. Or go to sleep. Think of it as taking a twice daily dose of "mind vitamins."

[-John-]

itsallgrand,

 

Thanks for the kind welcome.

 

noneStar,

 

I know I need to fight back against negative thoughts. These thoughts are so much a part of me that fighting against them is extremely difficult. I have them most of the time without even realizing it. They're just a normal part of who I am now. I have to break that habit. Somehow.

 

AZGeo,

 

I like your idea of "mind vitamins." There are things that make me feel confident -- the things you described. I have to learn to stay focused on those things.

[Mike88]

Wow, I just have to compliment your writing style and expertise...Very very good. It's actually the first thing I thought of when reading. I'm also into philosophy and writing, but I decided to go to school for business because its more practical job-wise.

 

I sometimes think that people like us tend to think to much for our own good. You've heard the saying "ignorance is bliss" before I'm sure. Well, that's something that you and I aren't unwilling to accept and because of that were always questioning what's going through the minds of others. It just doesn't make sense to us because they see the world differently. Philosophy sometimes makes people screwed up. My view of society just makes me want to scream.... all the errors and flaws I see in the logic of others, but that's humanity for ya, and I'm definitely not excluding myself from the mess. I agree that I've grown bitter from it all. From repeatedly trying to diagnose the situation were all in...trying to make sense of it. It doesn't work, just drives you mad.

 

But I feel that were in too deep now. Too deep for our own good. Its a door that some of us unknowingly choose to open, and the ones that are spared by not encountering the door are better off.

 

Ignorance is Bliss, so true.

 

Edit: After reading my post, I've realized that I haven't helped at all. Because I can't! I'm the same way. Thankfully we can learn from this thread together.

[Mike88]

Ditto what noneStar said. You can gain control of yout thoughts over time. There are times now when you feel powerful and confident, aren't there. When you write a program that solves a problem and you see that it works. When you discuss or even think thru a philosophical position and defend it or point out the weak spots because you understand it. When you write something and look at it days later and say, "this is pretty good!"

 

Try starting and ending your day with thoughts of when and where you are confident. Let the thought come to you and stay with it until you feel the feelings, remembering that; go about your day. Or go to sleep. Think of it as taking a twice daily dose of "mind vitamins."

 

That's good advice, thanks AZ its great that you mentioned this. "Its sooo simple it just might WORK!" It definitely feels like something that would help me a lot. Instead of comparing yourself to others, you have to realize what your really good at and hold onto the feeling it gives you. Thus feeling powerful in your own way and being confident in yourself which helps you excel in other areas.

 

Edit: Only 11 posts AZ and you're already giving 5 star advice, you must have experience with this yourself?

[-John-]

Thank you for the compliments, Mike.

 

I know what you mean about "thinking too much for our own good." I'm having one of those kinds of days today, as a matter of fact. The feelings of loneliness are kind of bad today. I'll be all right, though.

 

Thanks again to everyone for their great advice.

[PiperLily]

What a wonderful discussion and such great advice.

It's wonderful how we are all able to connect here.

 

I have struggled my entire life with feelings of not being good enough. I was teased in school for being chubby, I was very sensitive to criticism, I put so much value on friendships and oftentimes got hurt. Of course as we grow up we learn more about ourselves and certain issues (like what we went through in high school) more or less go away. However those experiences have shaped us into the adults we are. And we will be learning, growing and changing our entire lives.

 

I've found that taking steps to "step out of my box" not only makes me grow, but also makes me happy. I always wanted to live abroad and when I was 25, I did it. It was scary as hell and there were so many times when I cried or wanted to leave, but I knew it was something I felt in my heart I needed to do. It changed my life. I learned so much about myself because I pushed myself and found out I was stronger and more capable than I ever thought I was.

 

For me, it's taking small steps into the unknown that will show you just how much you can do. Sure, it's scary and sometimes things won't work out how you hoped. But keep trying.

 

Of course even today my life isn't perfect. I still deal with insecurities and rejection. But I feel I am moving forward in my life and learning to be happy with who I am.

 

And I know everything is easier said than done. Believe me. But have faith in yourself.

Oh, and I apologize if this may have sounded to Oprahish. I think I may be the only female posting on this thread thus far.

[-John-]

We are both alone you and I, and maybe for the duration.

 

I keep thinking about this. And I keep wondering, does it have to be true? I've always had this deep, painful suspicion that it is true. But I never wanted to accept it. The truth is, I'm just not like most of my friends -- the few I have anyway. They have girlfriends, and wives in some cases. But with who I am, I just never saw that as something I could have, because of my social anxiety.

 

I try to not to think about it, to say, "So what?" But it's hard sometimes.

[eikal]

Well let me start off with i have social anxiety as well except i also have anxiety, period. I got put on antidepressants last year and they did alot for me, they really helped me cope with it. I'm just now coming off them and i feel great. I maybe would suggest seeing a phsychologist or therapist or maybe your doctor. That's what i did and it helped alot.

[togofromhere]

OP, I can also relate to what you say. Do you know that some of the best songs & pieces of art were written and/or constructed by those like us? For a very long time I've taken what the others have thrown and used it to my advantage as much as it brought me pain. Point is they are in a way giving you a gift. There are people out there who dig original minds... someone who isn't a lame 'norm'. Believe.

 

As long as you stay focused on what you do (like doing) you're gonna meet the right people eventually. This is a longer road for us for the obvious reasons, but it doesn't mean you can't change for the better.

 

In short... use the anger, hurt, and frustration to create a positive image of yourself. People that harass you and/or have in the past are low class. It's not you, it's weak folk afraid of something different or that they cannot understand. I'm tired of people who have no empathy or logical thought patterns. They have to bark like a mad dog instead of thinking like an intelligent being.

 

There are people out there for everyone & you'll find it just doing your own thing. But make sure you know what it is you want to do with your life.

[-John-]

@eikal:

 

I've been on antidepressants for a while now, and they do help. And I have a therapist, though I haven't had an appointment in some months since going back to school. But I still have a hard time socially. I know it takes practice, and I have a lifetime of bad habits to break, but I just get so frustrated with it sometimes.

 

@togofromhere:

 

Thank you for your encouragement. I'm sure trying to do the things you say. Like I said earlier, I'm a lot better than I was just six months ago. But I still get frustrated because of thoughts about "what could have been" or "how behind I am" or things like that.

[Thx]

@eikal:

 

I've been on antidepressants for a while now, and they do help. And I have a therapist, though I haven't had an appointment in some months since going back to school. But I still have a hard time socially. I know it takes practice, and I have a lifetime of bad habits to break, but I just get so frustrated with it sometimes.

 

@togofromhere:

 

Thank you for your encouragement. I'm sure trying to do the things you say. Like I said earlier, I'm a lot better than I was just six months ago. But I still get frustrated because of thoughts about "what could have been" or "how behind I am" or things like that.

 

People have mentioned negative thinking and there has been some good advice all around.

 

I think everyone beats up on themself to a degree.

 

Coulda, woulda, shoulda... we have all made mistakes.

 

Something I try and do, is look at both sides of something and realize that the future could have been bad if I got some of the things I wanted...

 

Kind of like this... how many stories have you heard of lottery winners who ended up much worse off for their winnings?

 

Lots of 'em, lol, more than we would think.

 

"I should have gotten that girl's phone number, now she is with someone..."

 

And ended up murdering him two years later...

 

"Darn, I wish I would have been a little more assertive and got that good job..."

 

"And ended up with a nervous breakdown for the pressure..."

 

We don't really know the future and what things appear to be may not be how they actually are. I know plenty of folks who seem to have the great American dream and are just miserable, trapped with it.

 

One of the greatest struggles we face sometimes is learning to accept ourselves, we gotta keep working on that.

 

Thx

[Thx]

I keep thinking about this. And I keep wondering, does it have to be true? I've always had this deep, painful suspicion that it is true. But I never wanted to accept it. The truth is, I'm just not like most of my friends -- the few I have anyway. They have girlfriends, and wives in some cases. But with who I am, I just never saw that as something I could have, because of my social anxiety.

 

I try to not to think about it, to say, "So what?" But it's hard sometimes.

 

I think you're missing the point, it's a little tricky...

 

It doesn't have to be that way.

 

But the point is, you must learn to accept either situation.

 

I will wager you, that there is just as much probablity that you will meet a nice girl and it will be your ruin!

 

Yep, there is really no way of being sure you are with "the one" and stats bear this out, divorce is up a bit, but for a long time the stats have been 50% divorce... seriously, you might as well toss a coin.)

 

Those people that got divorced, each of them were sure enough about their partner to get married... look at how it turned out, all those years getting in the process of divorce actually, years of hell maybe.

 

You might hook up and lament the nice peaceful existence you had before... oh yes.

 

We have to be able to be content in this journey in life no matter which way the path takes us.

 

That is true strength!

 

You are lonely and are sick of it, that's fine, I'm definitly not saying you shouldn't become more social if you like.

 

But if we could look in a chrystal ball and see we will be alone regardless of our efforts then our job is to learn to accept that and take advantage of it even.

 

When a monk want's to find inner peace what do they do? They go into isolation.

 

Just because the media and society tell us we must have this "standard model" life to be happy doesn't make it so, but it does sell tooth paste.

 

Thx

[-John-]

Well, it's been roughly a month since school started and I'm already thinking about dropping out. Again.

 

I was so hopeful before. But I keep falling into the same old habits.

 

I'm 25 years old. No job. Nothing to truly call my own. I'm clearly not as strong as my peers, who seem to keep trucking along while I struggle with the simplest things. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm even meant to be here at all, in this life.

 

I tried making friends, but people mostly ignore me. I don't know how people do it. I really don't. I may be 25, but on the inside I feel like I'm about 12. At least emotionally.

 

So I'm probably going to drop out again. I need some serious help.

[LightbulbSun]

People mostly ignore me, too, and I'm 2 years older than you. I don't understand how some people can make friends easily, or carry on conversations with strangers in public without it turning awkward. I certainly can't!

 

That being said, I think I'm a stronger person for it, because some of these people can't function without socializing. I'm perfectly okay by myself, so I have an upper hand on those people.

[J8415]

John,

 

I am in the same kind of situation you are. Go find the book called "The Secrete" and honestly read it. Its all about the law of attraction. It really works. Once you start paying attention to it you will see it effect your life in so many ways. Keep your head up buddy.

[-John-]

Well, I'm still in school. I ended up getting a therapist at school, and I'm in a counseling group as well (although I'm not too sure about continuing that last one).

 

But at least I didn't drop out again. I think I was just getting frustrated because I keep falling back into the same old patterns of thinking (I'm not good enough, it's so hard to make friends, etc.). But it's been somewhat better these last few weeks. Thanks to everyone for their comments and advice.