Don't know what to do anymore...

[MH4518]

Ok, I'll try to be as brief as I can.

 

My wife and I started dating about 7 years ago, and will have been married for 3 years this August. We don't have any kids and we're both 26. Things started out rocky pretty quickly in our marriage and have slowly gone down hill ever since.

 

We had decided not to have sex until we got married, which wasn't a big deal to me. Then, on our wedding night, we weren't able to have sex. It hurt her too much. I wasn't too worried, and figured it would just work itself out. This went on for a couple months until I started to get frustrated. It turns out my wife has Vaginismus, which makes sex painful for her. As of now we've still yet to completely have sex.

 

At first this was bad, but it's gotten worse. In the beginning she was still interested in other sexual things, but as time has gone on, even that has decreased. Now, I'm lucky if we have any sexual interactions at all more than once a month. The whole time it's really awkward and I hate it now. I don't find her attractive anymore (she is very attractive, but thinking about her like that just makes me even more upset)

 

On top of that, we haven't been able to agree on hardly anything recently (about the last year or two). I'm pretty sure the lack of sex is a major contributing factor in that, but I just can't help it. I think she has a small case of OCD and is constantly critiquing me, and telling me I'm doing things wrong. Even the littlest things like carrying groceries in from the car can turn into a fight. It usually starts with her telling me I'm carrying the bags wrong, or in the wrong order, and then I put them on the wrong counter before I put them up etc... little things like this are constantly happening. (Wow... after typing that it seems like an even more ridiculous thing to argue about than I'd ever realized). The point is, we are constantly arguing about absolutely nothing...

 

For the past 6 months or so I've started thinking about a divorce. I feel trapped. If I had known that it would be this way (the sex) I don't think there is any way I would have married her. Now I've started fantasizing about dating other women all the time. I've never cheated on her, and I won't.. but I'm a 26 year old guy with more hormones than I know what to do with, and I feel like I'm going to explode.

 

We've bought several books about the sexual problems, and the same thing always happens. She starts out strong, and then she stops for some reason. She's had one kit to help her with it since last March (2009) and has done steps 1-8, but I can't seem to get her to finish it.

 

We also started going to counseling about 2 months ago. If nothing else, that's helping me to see that I'm not crazy or an * * * * * * * for feeling like this. The counselor has told her she needs to work on things, but when we get home it seems like she's completely forgotten.

 

I'm really sorry for the rant, I just don't have anyone to talk to.

 

What are your opinions? Am I jumping the gun on Divorce? Am I a jerk for wanting to get out of a relationship for the lack of sex? Would this be a case that qualifies for an annullment since the marriage hasn't been consumated and how would I do that? I'm just so damn confused I don't know what to do anymore.

 

Thanks so much.

[Sparkly Eyes]

You're not a jerk, but I also understand her fear and frustration. She is probably extremely disappointed in herself too. I feel tho, that she has taken you for granted or she is dealing with some serious issues like depression herself. Does she know that you might leave her if she doesn't start trying to solve her problem?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is interesting to me that your main focus in all of this is the lack of sex when the real focus should be on how controlling she is...how she bosses you around and talks down to you. I suspect this aspect of her personality is really the root cause of her sexual issues...she is uptight and wants to be in control so she tightens up and sex becomes painful. The real issue is not her sexual problems, it is her emotional problems which then filters in to the sex issues. She needs to address the psychological problems first and her need to boss you around and put you down.

[pumpkinmoon]

I'm gonna be blunt and say yes, it's enough reason to leave, as well as all the arguing. The problem here is that she isn't willing to really work on it.

[Sparkly Eyes]

It is interesting to me that your main focus in all of this is the lack of sex when the real focus should be on how controlling she is...how she bosses you around and talks down to you. I suspect this aspect of her personality is really the root cause of her sexual issues...she is uptight and wants to be in control so she tightens up and sex becomes painful. The real issue is not her sexual problems, it is her emotional problems which then filters in to the sex issues. She needs to address the psychological problems first and her need to boss you around and put you down.

 

This is a very absurd opinion. Vaginismus is a serious condition and is in no way voluntarily or related to emotional state of the woman.

[DN]

I'm gonna be blunt and say yes, it's enough reason to leave, as well as all the arguing. The problem here is that she isn't willing to really work on it.

I agree with this. If she isn't willing to do what is necessary you can't force her and make her problem your problem any longer. It takes two to make a marriage work.

 

Sex is very important in a marriage which is why non-consummation is a reason for an annulment in many jurisdictions - you might have a lawyer check out that option rather than a divorce which may be cheaper for you.

[Charly82]

Hello, I'm sorry about your situation.

 

Have you ever tried to take things easy? Some candle lights... music... sweet talk?

 

Have you tried TANTRA? It might help... it really help me to improve in the art of love making and caring for my partner.

 

Hope you are well and that you find a solution to this problem.

[MH4518]

This is a very absurd opinion. Vaginismus is a serious condition and is in no way voluntarily or related to emotional state of the woman.

 

I think you're both right to a point. I don't believe the Vaginismus is entirely about control (but that could definitely have something to do with it). She told me a few months ago that she's always had problems with tampons etc.. but thought that everyone had those issues.

 

However, I think the controlling me and putting me down is a very serious issue. The counselor has tried to talk to her about how she's being a perfectionist, and at the end of the day it really doesn't matter if the lines in the lawn are perfectly straight or not etc. We bought a house about a year ago, and it's turned into an absolute nightmare. We started painting it last August, and it still isn't done because I'm "not allowed" (my words, not hers, that's just the way I feel) to do any of the painting. She follows me around the whole time and is terrified I'm going to mess something up. I tried to surprise her one time and tape off all the trim before she came home from vacation and she completely flipped out because I didn't do it well enough. I spent about 4 times as long as I usually would trying to get it right because I knew how particular she was, and it still wasn't good enough.

 

The problem is, she's very nice to everyone else in the world. And I care about her and don't want to hurt her, but this is killing me. I feel like I'm still young enough to have a normal life, but this isn't what I signed up for.

 

Sorry, I'm normally more eloquent than this, but I'm rambling pretty bad tonight.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I think you're both right to a point. I don't believe the Vaginismus is entirely about control (but that could definitely have something to do with it). She told me a few months ago that she's always had problems with tampons etc.. but thought that everyone had those issues.

 

Well, as a girl who suffered from a mild vaginismus like condition for a while, I can say that I was not controlling at all. I have always been very sexual and was NOT intentionally clenching my muscles down there...it happens as a reflex, other members of my family also had problem with the same thing (so I guess it might be genetic). If you read about this condition, they tell you over and over that the women are not doing it on purpose. Why would they, really? Do you really think your wife is enjoying the fact that sex is so painful for her? Why would she even try if her ultimate goal is not to let you in?

 

I think tho, that she is scared and disappointed (same as how I became when I realized intercourse was painful and sometimes impossible) and has problem letting her fear go and this is contributing to her problem.

[scaruff]

Has she tried vaginal dilators? SoulSource makes them for vaginismus. It is possible to overcome vaginismus.

 

link removed

[DN]

She follows me around the whole time and is terrified I'm going to mess something up. I tried to surprise her one time and tape off all the trim before she came home from vacation and she completely flipped out because I didn't do it well enough. I spent about 4 times as long as I usually would trying to get it right because I knew how particular she was, and it still wasn't good enough.

 

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life living like this?

[pumpkinmoon]

She sounds very set in her ways and to be honest, I don't think she is going to change.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This is a very absurd opinion. Vaginismus is a serious condition and is in no way voluntarily or related to emotional state of the woman.

 

It is one thing to disagree with me and state that you disagree...it is quite another matter to insult my opinion by saying it is absurd.

 

In some cases the emotional state of a woman can impact sexual function. She does have emotional issues and that could indeed result in tightening up causing painful intercourse. It is not about doing it on purpose, but emotional state impacts sexual function. A gynecologist might talk to a patient while doing a vaginal exam and pap smear in order to relax the patient so that the patient's muscles don't tense up..this makes it easier and less painful to do the exam and pap smear. Tensing muscles out of stress is an involuntary reaction, not deliberate...and that is my point here....her need to be in control and her need to find fault in everything he does could be causing this involuntary muscle tightening because she is not relaxed enough and she is viewing him as a child to be scolded rather than a romantic partner.

[MH4518]

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life living like this?

 

What I'm worried about is; what if the problem isn't her, and it's me? What if I just take things too personally, or I really am just a screwup? (I don't think that, I have a very successful job and most people seem to like me. I'm playing devil's advocate here). The problem with living with someone like this is that I don't really know what's real anymore. I'm terrified I'm going to just end up repeating this with other relationships. I guess it just feels more comfortable because I know what I'm dealing with here. If I get a new relationship and it gets screwed up too, then I'm afraid I will have wished I had never left this one.

 

As far as dialators. We bought those about 16 months ago. She's used them and can get up to the biggest dialator, but that's where she stops. I keep telling her that she needs to initiate the next step (transitioning to actual sex), because I don't want to rush her. That's been almost a yeart now. She knows how upset I am about it, but she doesn't seem to change her actions.

 

I also just don't care anymore. I don't want to have sex with her. Its to the point that I make sure I take all my clothes with me to the shower just so I don't have to change in front of her because I feel so gross/ugly/rejected.

[pumpkinmoon]

I'm curious as to when she was diagnosed with this condition. Did she indeed know about it before marrying you?

[DN]

No - I don't think it is you. Not that I am saying you are perfect but if you have described reasonably accurately the situation this is not a marriage but a sham.

 

If she were willing to take counseling seriously and do the necessary work then there may be a chance. But it isn't just the sex issue, it's about a demanding and controlling woman who is destroying your self-esteem and self-respect.

 

You do not owe her your happiness and peace of mind.

[pumpkinmoon]

That's because you have put up with it so long that it has become normal to you. I'll tell you what I have learned, if you think you are being treated badly, then you are.

[MH4518]

I'm curious as to when she was diagnosed with this condition. Did she indeed know about it before marrying you?

 

She was diagnosed about a year and a half ago. She says she didn't know about it before we were married, and I believe her. We were both virgins, so I don't think there's any way she could have known.

[MH4518]

That's because you have put up with it so long that it has become normal to you. I'll tell you what I have learned, if you think you are being treated badly, then you are.

 

That's kind of what I feel, and I even basically told her that. She always says I'm being too sensitive etc. My response is.. well, say I am... that doesn't change the fact that I think you're being controlling and unreasonable. It's still my reality. And the fact that she knows this, and still doesn't do anything to change makes it even worse.

 

I'm obviously not perfect, and I'm sure I'm not the easiest person to get along with. But this is miserable.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

A link to Medline Plus from the US National Library of Medicine:

link removed

 

"Vaginismus is considered a disorder of sexual dysfunction. It has several possible causes, including past sexual trauma or abuse, psychological factors, or a history of discomfort with sexual intercourse. Sometimes no cause can be found."

[pumpkinmoon]

That's kind of what I feel, and I even basically told her that. She always says I'm being too sensitive etc. My response is.. well, say I am... that doesn't change the fact that I think you're being controlling and unreasonable. It's still my reality. And the fact that she knows this, and still doesn't do anything to change makes it even worse.

 

I'm obviously not perfect, and I'm sure I'm not the easiest person to get along with. But this is miserable.

 

However sensitive she thinks you are, it doesn't mean your feelings are invalid. They are valid and they are yours. And I don't think anyone could cope with that treatment for that long.

 

Was she always like this or did she change after the marriage?

[MH4518]

Was she always like this or did she change after the marriage?

 

She was always more organized than I am, and more detail oriented, but she was never like this. It pretty much started as soon as we got back from our honeymoon. And it's gotten worse over the years.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Well, you didn't state your opinion in a good way and I didn't mean to insult you.

 

A romantic partner is still someone outside of your body and he wouldn't really know what to do to ease up the situation for you until you tell them. When you have this condition, you sometimes HAVE TO be in control, otherwise you experience a huge amount of pain. Intercourse used to be very painful for me and I guided my partners in all of it...sure sometimes I let go (or they forced me to let go!!) and went with the flow, but it couldn't happen every time and in order to have a normal sex session without much pain, I had to be the one in control.

 

 

 

I think she should know how you feel, she should know that you are ready to leave, that might be a wake up call for her.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

That's kind of what I feel, and I even basically told her that. She always says I'm being too sensitive etc. My response is.. well, say I am... that doesn't change the fact that I think you're being controlling and unreasonable. It's still my reality. And the fact that she knows this, and still doesn't do anything to change makes it even worse.

 

I'm obviously not perfect, and I'm sure I'm not the easiest person to get along with. But this is miserable.

 

This is the classic line that emotional abusers/controllers use. When the person they are abusing and controlling complains about the treatment the abuser typically shuts down the argument by pinning the blame on the victim, accusing the victim of being too sensitive. Another classic line is "I am doing this for your own good".

[lavenderdove]

Let's see, she (a) argues with you constantly, (b) orders you around, © berates you, and (d) hasn't consummated the marriage with you after 3 years, and (e) doesn't appear to care enough to really try to change.

 

More than sufficient grounds for divorce. Honestly, get out before you waste more time on this and you are both young. If she doesn't want to have sex then she shouldn't marry, since by marrying she will force her husband into a sexless life or to cheat, neither of which are good alternatives. And you deserve to have a wife who does want to have sex with you, and have kids with you as well. If you can't consummate the marriage, there will be no kids either, but frankly, i wouldn't inflict such a critical controlling mother on kids either.