Anyone else fed up?

[bungalo]

I know I'm in the minority here on ENA...but I really and truly DO NOT WANT HER BACK. Yes I'm the eternal nice guy in many ways and will try to explore JUST FRiends...and nothing more...but a full-on intimate relationship with my ex is never going to happen again for the following reasons:

 

1) We have tried 3 times over 5 years and she ran away every time

 

2) During the last recon I was waking up with nightmares about her dumping me and starting the day traumatized

 

3) I can't fix her

 

4) I can't make her commit

[HouseKitten]

Good for you for recognising those things. A lot of people find it very difficult to accept basics like this, because the end result is that you can't be with that person and have a happy existence. And most of the time, that's not the answer people want.

 

Here's to moving forwards

[dont bore me]

leaning that way,heart says other things.head say stop and cut and run.if i only had a switc or a delete button

[bungalo]

Well believe me I tried..God did I try. I could proabably win a Pulitzer Prize for Relationship Dynamics. I think I did a list of all the various books I bought and all the relationship gurus I turned to between Nov and April of this year. Guess I learned some stuff, but the fact remains...she is who she is...and that happens to be..a runner. Fear rules her life.

 

Sometimes the only thing scarier than not getting what you want is actually GETTING WHAT YOU THINK YOU WANT! When that happens a lot of people are crushed because they realize that getting what they thought they wanted didn't make them feel any happier or more secure afterall....!

[emma j]

I feel like you have literally just plucked that post from my own head.. wow..

 

Everything you said is the same for me. excpet it was 3 offical and bout 50 unoffical running away in 3 years..

 

Hang in here. we know what we don't deserve and can get through it.

[pumpkinmoon]

Sometimes the only thing scarier than not getting what you want is actually GETTING WHAT YOU THINK YOU WANT! When that happens a lot of people are crushed because they realize that getting what they thought they wanted didn't make them feel any happier or more secure afterall....!

 

This is so true!

[Mun]

Hi there! wow you know, sometimes you just have to cut your losses and get outta dodge. This relationship is going to drain you more than you know if you stick with it so I commend you for getting out and for seeing it for what it is--unhealthy.

 

I say focus on what you will and will not accept in a relationship and you will be ok.

 

Hang in there !

[Belle]

Sounds like you could take those relationship skills and find someone else who's willing to work with you and so you don't have to do it all!

[pumpkinmoon]

This is a really helpful thread and I agree that it is all about seeing it for what it is.

 

When things were not going well or I wasn't happy I used to say to myself "remember what it was like when he broke up with you, so be happy with what you have got".

 

I always used to think that if he ever came back I would be the happiest person in the world, well I wasn't. I used to try to make myself feel grateful for him being with me. Now to think I actually thought like that makes me feel sick.

 

I had no reason to be grateful. If anything he should have been grateful that I even looked twice at him again after all he did to me.

 

All this came at a cost to my self esteem, dignity and respect for myself.

[sunday2010]

leaning that way' date='heart says other things.head say stop and cut and run.if i only had a switc or a delete button[/quote']

 

same here i have to move on

[bungalo]

Wow, Shoefairy. Very eloquently put. I feel the same way. I had the same exact thought..."Well at least you're together..even though she's mistreating you.." It's all about what we allow ourselves to put up with. I grew up in a family that moved all over the country...7 moves by the age of 15. I think it really did a number on me. I had trouble making friends and maintaining friendships..felt abandoned alot ...anyway..nuff sain..good post Shoe

[Cheetarah]

You're not alone. I have zero interest in being with my ex again. As a former 'piner', this is huge for me. I realize there are just fundamental incompatibilities and we don't see eye to eye on SUPER important issues. Plus, he was a chronic liar. I am with you! Good for you!

[pumpkinmoon]

Thanks Bungalo.

 

I can't believe you had the same thoughts also. It's crazy isn't it?

 

And Mintiya, The lies were the worst! After telling me numerous lies and being caught out, he still expected me to believe what he told me!

[Cheetarah]

Thanks Bungalo.

 

I can't believe you had the same thoughts also. It's crazy isn't it?

 

And Mintiya, The lies were the worst! After telling me numerous lies and being caught out, he still expected me to believe what he told me!

 

Isn't it outrageous? I loved this line "Why can't you just trust me a little?"

 

UM...It might have to do with the fact that everytime I DID, it turned out to be a giant LIE.

[bungalo]

Those who lie weave a web that they caught in. Those close to them automatically discount every word out of their mouth, until they establish a track record of honesty....which can take a long time.

In the case of my ex...she didn't really lie..unless you count lies of ommission...or holding things back.

[pumpkinmoon]

Yeah I also got, "I don't understand why you don't trust me, I don't deserve to be punished for what your ex did" and "If I wanted to cheat, I could easily".

 

Yeah I did have trust issues but the reason for not trusting him was not because of my ex. Not that I thought he would cheat (now I'm not too sure) it's was just all the little things he would lie about.

[pumpkinmoon]

Those who lie weave a web that they caught in. Those close to them automatically discount every word out of their mouth, until they establish a track record of honesty....which can take a long time.

In the case of my ex...she didn't really lie..unless you count lies of ommission...or holding things back.

 

I actually do count that as lies. I would prefer 100% honesty even if it did hurt to hear it. I'd rather a cheat than a liar. You can catch a cheat but a liar will drive you crazy. I even started questioning myself. I honestly thought I was losing my mind.

 

He would even tell me things one month then completely deny saying them the next. It was so confusing. Not even important things, but things that were important enough to remember.

[bungalo]

Biggest lie of all I heard from her-"I love you" This one was revoked by her 12 hours later I don't think I love you.[/b]

[MsDexter]

leaning that way' date='heart says other things.head say stop and cut and run.if i only had a switc or a delete button[/quote']

 

Or forward so this pain can go away.

[Cheetarah]

Biggest lie of all I heard from her-"I love you" This one was revoked by her 12 hours later I don't think I love you.[/b]

 

Is your ex borderline?

[pumpkinmoon]

Biggest lie of all I heard from her-"I love you" This one was revoked by her 12 hours later I don't think I love you.[/b]

 

I had that too in a text after three years of not saying it to me. He took it back telling me he was drunk and "could only apologise for the impact it must have had." I must be absolutely nuts!

[bungalo]

Is your ex borderline? I don't think so. She is therapist herself!! She has never been diagnosed as such. If I had to guess, I'd say definitely an anxiety disorder. On top of that, she is a chronic commitment-phobe.

[Hell_On_Heels]

I don't want mine back.

 

I did, I really really did at first. I thought we could do counseling and find solutions to our problems. I didn't know what his problem was, but I wanted him to spend some time with me. He wouldn't. The more I needed it, the less he would give.

 

For 5 hours a month, he could've saved our marriage. A quick conversation to plan a date, and a few hours once a month. That was all I asked for -and he wouldn't do it. He took me for granted after the wedding, and didn't think he had to put ANY effort into us. But then complained because I wasn't happy. Hello. Why would I be happy?

 

He's selfish to the point of narcissism.

He tells people he truly believes I'm bipolar and/or menopausel and his solution is to get a divorce. Not exactly the supportive husband I'd hoped for.

He assigns the worst possible motives to anything I do.

He is acting like a child instead of a man, and I STILL don't know if he will file for the divorce or not.

 

Yeah. I don't want him back. He is not the man I fell in love with and married. That happy loving guy was eaten by this monster person.

 

And you know what else? He's getting random tattoos everywhere and has grown out his goatee. He looks repulsive. And old. I know that is catty, but it's also true. He's just yucky looking.

[pumpkinmoon]

I'm glad you don't, he sounds awful!

 

I had manipulation as the main thing that was assigned to my actions/words. Got to the point where I couldn't say much of anything without being accused of trying to manipulate him.

[kaoticbaby]

sometimes i wish there was a "like" button on ENA threads, lol

good for you, OP. now you can move on knowing it's for the best and that you'll be just fine!