I'm breaking up: Is this the best thing to say? Rate me!

[Shylight]

First a little background. Sadly, I have grown way to emotionally attached to my lover and because of this feel the need to break it off with him. He has invited his ex-girlfriend up for the July 4th weekend (next week) I already know I am going to be going CRAZY with insane jealousy during this time. (this already happened once before, I broke it off, went back to him again) His decision to do this, which because of the nature of our relationship, he has every right to do and I do understand this, I have decided to break it off with him. There is one of two ways I feel most comfortable in doing it. Which of these would be my best option?

 

1.) Breaking up BEFORE his girlfriend comes to town

2.) Breaking up AFTER his girlfriend leaves town

 

My 'monologue' of what I am going to tell him goes something like this,

 

"Listen, I know you don't want to hear this so I'm going to make this quick as possible and spew it out. We can't have sex anymore. I'm too attached and my feelings are stronger than what is appropriate for our kind of relationship. When we first started sleeping together you told me it would only problematic for our friendship if I started acting like a jealous girlfriend. Truth is, I may now show it, but everytime you talk about or go see another girl I get extremely jealous, and honest it upsets me alot that you are bringing your ex girlfriend up here. Our friendship comes first and I feel that sex is only complicating it. I know you don't want a relationship with me and thats fine. I respect and understand that, but if you don't want me in that way I we need to stop having sex so I can move on, I feel like I can't be open to other people if I'm sleeping with you. I still want to be your friend and hang out till the wee hours of the morning. Only if you want I can either go home or crash on your couch instead of staying in your bed. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm doing this to you again, but I've thought about it for awhile, honestly ever since you told me you were bringing your ex girlfriend up here."

[DeenasRhino]

I gather this is just a FWB thing.

 

I never understood the notion of that. Maybe it's just me but when I have sex I need that emotional side of it. I can't just do it with a stranger or a close friend.

 

I think what you're doing is good. You have become too emotionally attached and since this is just a FWB relationship it is good to stop now instead of later. As you stated, he does not want a relationship with you so this would be best for the both of you. Honestly, I don't suggest you hang out with him anymore. You say you want to remain friends and hang out till the wee hours of the morning but honestly, will you be able to do that without the two of you having sex?

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't monologue him, I'd just stop sleeping with him.

[Partime_Judas]

If he doesn't want a relationship with you fine. If he expects free sex though, bringing his ex up is kinda messed up. It's up to him to decide what he wants. I honestly don't see this ending on all that friendly of terms since it seems he doesn't have any feelings for you (by the sound of your words). However, that bodes well for being able to disconnect from him. It's tough to have emotions for someone who sees you as a convenience, thereby taking you for granted.

 

The situation is tough all around. My personal advice goes more along the lines of just telling the truth. You devloped feelings for him. You want him to be yours, and you want to be his. It's why you feel the crazy jealousy. I would suggest sitting down with him and honestly discussing options and his feelings. While your rehearsed speech sounds good, in your heart you know you won't be able to stay friends that way. You want more. There's not a damn thing wrong with that. In fact, I think it's awesome and the guy's lucky. The question is if he realizes it yet. I'm thinking he might not. Hence the suggested sit down and talk. Regardless of if your intent, try to stay friends or ask for something more, communication is huge in any relationship (love or just friendship). I wish you the absolute best! (Heart explodie smiley face for fellow romance sufferer) hehehe Get out there tiger

[HouseKitten]

What you've written sounds fine to me, though he might not let you continue that long without wanting to say something himself.

 

You could cut it down and make it simpler - 'I don't think we should have sex anymore. I really enjoy it, but you said yourself it'd be difficult for our friendship if I started acting like a jealous girlfriend, and the truth is I've realised I can't avoid feeling bad when you do things like bring up your ex. I don't want to ruin things between us so let's go back to being friends without the sex, okay?'

[thewiseone]

if you want a guys opinion, breakup with him before she comes to town, and STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM - don't give that long speech... guys have a very short attention span, short and sweet. (especially since you've been here b4)

 

Look i'm not going to sleep with you when your sleeping/seeing other people, that's just not me, i'm becoming emotionally attached and it's time we go separate ways if you don't feel the same.

 

I know it sounds cold and harsh but this is how guys think and listen...

present problem (in two sentences or less). Present the solution (in two sentences or less)

 

He already (and you already) know the answer and the solution, the more you talk and longer you prolong things the worse it will be.

 

Suggested reading: Act like a lady Think like a man - steve harvey

 

PS YOU DESERVE BETTER

 

pm me if you have questions

[uhohlala]

I agree with this completely. And I also agree that demoting yourself back to "friend" after FWB that had to end due to your (totally understandable) jealousy is unrealistic. I think that you're still kidding yourself there: you want a proper relationship with the guy. Since that's not on offer you should just walk away, rather than hope that he'll finally wake up and realize how awesome you are and how much he wants to be with you, his former lover, ... who's currently crashing on his couch. Guys are actually smarter than that (usually!): if you try to be best buddies with your former FWB, deep down he'll know exactly what you're hoping for, even if you guys never discuss it.

[amipushy]

Don't give him the big speech. I understand you might want to say it but he wont want to hear it, especially if all you are is a FWB.

 

Look i'm not going to sleep with you when your sleeping/seeing other people, that's just not me, i'm becoming emotionally attached and it's time we go separate ways if you don't feel the same.

 

The wiseone's got it right. It's clear, it's concise and says everything he needs to know without putting your heart on your sleeve. Say that.

[catfeeder]

[...] if you try to be best buddies with your former FWB, deep down he'll know exactly what you're hoping for, even if you guys never discuss it.

 

Yep. You can fool yourself if you want, but you won't be fooling him. He'll know this is just another temper tantrum because he's seeing someone. As soon as she's out of the picture, you'll cool off and he can go back to bonking you. Until the next girl.

 

This is why speeches don't work. You might think you mean what you say, but it's awfully humiliating to discover that your words won't get you the response you really want. Just one more dramatic huff-and-puff he'll need to put up with in order to see whoever else he wants and keep you handy whenever he wants.

 

Just stop sleeping with him. That doesn't require a single word.

[uhohlala]

This is why speeches don't work. You might think you mean what you say, but it's awfully humiliating to discover that your words won't get you the response you really want.

 

Very true and very important. Once you really understand the binary nature of the situation (i.e. "sleep together without commitment or do not sleep together") I'll bet that your interest in continuing to interact with him at all wanes considerably.

[Shylight]

All right, I definetly get that monologuing him and instead shortening the message would get the point accross. I will have to work on this and think of how the hell I am going to break the news to him.

 

Also, my friend and I are fairly close to eachother, and I can tell you with a good amount of confidence that if I do break it off with him, it may be kind of off for awhile but I do feel it won't be the end of our friendship. Everyone's right in not giving him a long monologue. He is also fairly, as he has said himself, dependent on me for for company. He gets very upset when I'm not around (I won't lie and say it has to be me in particular, but I'm the only one available at the odd hours we hang out). There was a 2 week where we couldn't have sex due to a medical procedure where we couldn't have sex. We still hung out the same.

 

Would this change anything? A lot of people are suggesting the friendship would break, I honestly don't think so if I did break this off.

[catfeeder]

All right, I definetly get that monologuing him and instead shortening the message would get the point accross. I will have to work on this and think of how the hell I am going to break the news to him.

 

You don't need to break any news to him. You're creating a drama in your mind where there doesn't need to be any. Just stop the physical act of sleeping with him--that's all you need to do.

 

[...] There was a 2 week where we couldn't have sex due to a medical procedure where we couldn't have sex. We still hung out the same.

 

See? Just treat it like that.

 

Would this change anything? A lot of people are suggesting the friendship would break, I honestly don't think so if I did break this off.

 

You don't need to 'break this off,' and you don't need to change anything. Just stop sleeping with him. If he questions this, just say, "Ya know, I think sex makes me more emotional than I need to be, let's just skip it..." ..and then watch your movie or whatever.

 

The fact that you keep making this about having some break up scene says more about your actual investment that you realize. If you're really as casual about this thing as you claim, then you don't need to make a big deal out of not sleeping with him. If, on the other hand, you're emotionally invested in this guy and want a real relationship with him or nothing at all, then the first thing to do would be to get honest with your SELF. You don't need to tell us if you don't want to, but get clarity about what you REALLY want so you can operate in your own best interest.

 

Pretending something that matters doesn't matter is foolish and a losing proposition--no matter how you slice it.

[uhohlala]

 

... the first thing to do would be to get honest with your SELF. You don't need to tell us if you don't want to, but get clarity about what you REALLY want so you can operate in your own best interest.

 

Pretending something that matters doesn't matter is foolish and a losing proposition--no matter how you slice it.

 

Yes indeed. I agree completely with catfeeder on all points.

[Shylight]

What is the advantage of being distant like this? This is the first time I have ever gotten advice like this.

[savignon]

What is the advantage of being distant like this? This is the first time I have ever gotten advice like this.

 

The advantage is that you won't be selling yourself short, you'll be being honest about what you want and need and you won't feel like crap afterwards.

[uhohlala]

What is the advantage of being distant like this? This is the first time I have ever gotten advice like this.

 

You've rationalized yourself into subscribing to the possibility of "just being friends" with a guy that you really want to have a relationship with. If it were absolutely impossible that the two of you would ever have a full-on, committed romantic relationship, how interested would you be in having a close friendship with him?

 

Generally speaking women are very good at accepting less in the short term, because they hope/believe that they can get what they really want in the long run. And let's face it, many guys are a bit slow on the uptake when it comes to figuring out how they feel, what they want, etc., so it's not always a bad bet to accept less now in expectation of more later. But he has already called your bluff once, and his continued involvement with other women makes it unlikely that he simply needs time and patience to realize that it's you he wants to be with.

 

As catfeeder and others have pointed out, you seem to think that there's something to discuss with him ... when in fact there isn't. Sleep with him or don't sleep with him -- he's not offering you any commitment. So what is there to discuss?

[moving]

As catfeeder and others have pointed out, you seem to think that there's something to discuss with him ... when in fact there isn't. Sleep with him or don't sleep with him -- he's not offering you any commitment. So what is there to discuss?

 

I completely agree with this. I was actually a bit confused when I read the title "I'm breaking up" and then read the post. There is no relationship, and thus nothing to break up. FWBs don't "break up" - if one person no longer wants to sleep together, they merely stop doing that. And that doesn't require anything more than (at most) a one sentence, "I don't want to sleep with you anymore." If he asks whether that means you don't want to hang out at all anymore, you can add a clarifying, "I want to hang out with you without sleeping with you at all in future." End of situation.

 

If, on the other hand, you want a relationship with him (which it seems unlikely will materialize), give him a different one sentence: "I've realized that I don't just want to sleep with you - what I actually want is to be in a relationship with you." Then listen to his response, and go from there.

[SpottiOtti]

OP, I have been in a situation similar to yours. I began to develop feelings for a FWB, and wasn't sure what to do about it. When I realised that what I wanted was a relationship with him, I fretted for a few weeks about it, secretly hoping he would begin to call me as often as i thought about him, come to see me at work, maybe . . . Then I realised that I was at his mercy. I had no control of the situation, because I was passively waiting for him to make a move. And it was this fact that was causing me distress, not the fact that I didn't know whether his feelings could change, etc. So I called him up and said, "I can't continue this because I have realised that i want more. I want a relationship. I know that you don't, so I think it's time for us to go our separate ways."

 

His response told me everything I needed to know. He said, "Okay. I understand." Boom. Problem solved.

 

Anyway, thought I would share. Maybe that helps. Take the power back and see what happens, that's my advice.

[catfeeder]

What is the advantage of being distant like this? This is the first time I have ever gotten advice like this.

 

Among the advantages other good folks have pointed out, it gives you time and space to start cultivating a social life beyond this one friendship. When you start to broaden your own life, you feel less at the mercy of one person and his feeling (or lack of them) for you. This helps you feel stronger about deciding whether you really want this guy as your friend, or whether you've just been settling because that's all he'll offer you.

 

When an FWB becomes too important, you can't operate with a clear head, and you end up dependent and manipulative. Problem is, that only makes someone take you for granted, it's not the way to get a solid relationship. It keeps your world too small to recognize that there are other guys in the world who would love and appreciate you the way you deserve to be loved and appreciated.