Problems and it's not even the funeral yet

[Anotherday]

My Dad is in hospice. Thursday his hospice nurse said he was in bad shape and once he stops eating it will be ten days before he passes, as he will not receive any feeding.

 

This morning I spoke with my mother. She lives in a 1 BR apartment in the assisted living facility where she is. I have three siblings up there who all have homes with guest bedrooms, but I'll be staying at a hotel as I don't have contact with my siblings.

 

So the guilt tactics start this morning when my mother tells me she was thinking I'd stay with her. Well, like I said, one BR apartment with one twin bed and a sofa. Obviously I would not let her sleep on the sofa and I don't want to either. I have told her that if she doesn't want to be alone she can go stay with one of my siblings overnight and that I will spend as much time with her as I can, short of sleeping. I think this is reasonable. Thoughts?

 

I can see this is going to be a horrible trip for many reasons. It's like she is the only person losing someone. Well, he's my Dad too!

[KG]

Try to grin and bear it. She is going through a terrible time, could you spend perhaps one night there, for her? As you are the one away from her, maybe she misses you more.

[RedDress]

I am SO sorry that you are going through this.

 

I don't think you are being unreasonable not wanting to sleep on the couch. I don't think that she is being unreasonable, either. She is sad. She is lonely. She wants and needs her family around her.

 

Can you afford to take her away for a few days? Just you and her? It may help for her to be able to get out of her 'regular' environment and routine while she is grieving (after the funeral, of course). Can you take her back 'home' for a few weeks?

 

Let her know that you love her and that you want to spend 'special' time with her... you just don't want to sleep on the couch. Maybe even offering for her to stay at the hotel with you. She likely won't take you up on your offer to stay at the hotel - but at least it will underline that it's not about not wanting to be with her, it's about not wanting to sleep on a couch.

 

I am SO sorry for your loss.

[amipushy]

I don't think they were guilt tactics, it sounds like she is afraid.

[Anotherday]

Try to grin and bear it. She is going through a terrible time, could you spend perhaps one night there, for her? As you are the one away from her, maybe she misses you more.

 

Yes, maybe one night I could. I guess I could do one night. Thing is, I am a smoker and she doesn't know this. So I guess I'll have to make up some excuses to go for walks or something. That is how it's always been. She IS a control freak and I have protected her my entire life.

[Anotherday]

Thank you. She is not at all interested in doing anything or going anywhere. She was upset with me that I am renting a car. I think she wants some fantasy reality that somehow I am going to get along with my siblings. It just isn't going to happen. My one sister screamed at me the last time we spoke. My brother doesn't care if I drop dead. The other one doesn't have the time of day for me. We are *not* the Brady Bunch.

 

But I do like your ideas. She cannot come back with me here as she is 88 and can't travel. She walks with a walker.

 

I do not mean to be uncompassionate here, but I really have to set some boundaries for my own sake. I have three siblings and she can go stay with them. Or let each of them sleep on the sofa for one night each too. They would *never* do this. I will do what KG said and maybe stay with her one night.

[Anotherday]

I don't think they were guilt tactics, it sounds like she is afraid.

 

No, she does this to me everytime I go up there. Never wants me to stay at a hotel. I must tell you, her place is not that clean. It's not her fault, but I am just not comfortable. The dishes don't get washed in a sanitary way and she is lax when it comes to things like toilet hygiene.

 

One visit I snuck out and bought some Lysol to use in the bathroom. Things like this. I would be extremely uncomfortable trying to take showers there, etc.

 

Her place is small and we'd be tripping all over each other. At any rate, maybe I'll get the hotel room and just flop on her sofa. Granted, she will throw a fit that I am paying for the hotel. But, at least that way I can go back to the hotel and take showers, etc.

[Kinkz]

How old are you?

[Anotherday]

How old are you?

 

Now what on earth's difference would this make? I don't mean to be contentious, but lately I have noticed that Enotalone is not the supportive place it used to be.

 

Granted, not in a good mood here, but just sayin'. This place has changed since I joined in 2006, FWIW.

[cingularity83]

Now what on earth's difference would this make? I don't mean to be contentious, but lately I have noticed that Enotalone is not the supportive place it used to be.

 

Granted, not in a good mood here, but just sayin'. This place has changed since I joined in 2006, FWIW.

 

 

Oh wow! All that just because she asked how old you were? I mean siblings fight all the time as I can attest to going weeks sometimes without talking to mine but in the end you guys have to grow up and realize that if you can't be there for family then who else can you be there for? Just remember that one day you'll grow old and gray yourself and you'll be surprised to see who's going to be there by your side. I know my mom would cry and wouldn't believe I am saying all this with as much as me and my sis fight and argue sometimes haha

[catfeeder]

A starting position that someone else's expressed desires are designed to manipulate me is a losing position. For everyone, but most of all for me.

 

Viewing grief as competitive isn't something that occurred to me during the loss of my father, and my perceptions weren't focused on seeking injury. In fact, tending to the needs of my mother and sister afforded me instant amnesia to the past and helped my own psyche more than I can say.

 

My heart goes out to you and your family.

[Anotherday]

A starting position that someone else's expressed desires are designed to manipulate me is a losing position. For everyone, but most of all for me.

 

Viewing grief as competitive isn't something that occurred to me during the loss of my father, and my perceptions weren't focused on seeking injury. In fact, tending to the needs of my mother and sister afforded me instant amnesia to the past and helped my own psyche more than I can say.

 

My heart goes out to you and your family.

 

It's not at all about competition. It's about boundaries. I am a smoker. My mother doesn't know I smoke. I would NEVER be able to tell her I smoke. So see, I need a place I can go to to smoke! If I need to! There are only so many walks I can take, then there is the perfume, hoping it works, etc.

 

I am trying to protect her from things she does NOT want to know. This is part of the reason I want my own space. I have my way of dealing with things, however unhealthy, yet I want to make sure she is okay at the same time.

[Anotherday]

Oh wow! All that just because she asked how old you were? I mean siblings fight all the time as I can attest to going weeks sometimes without talking to mine but in the end you guys have to grow up and realize that if you can't be there for family then who else can you be there for? Just remember that one day you'll grow old and gray yourself and you'll be surprised to see who's going to be there by your side. I know my mom would cry and wouldn't believe I am saying all this with as much as me and my sis fight and argue sometimes haha

 

You must be about 19 too.

 

Look, I am an older person and I'll tip you in. These lifelong "issues" remain. They don't go away with age.