turnaroundmyway Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 My fiance and I go to counselling but he doesn't want to address the real stuff there. He has an issue with any time I spend away from him. That includes time for me to workout. My health has suffered. He even resents the time he has to spend with his daughter because I am not there. I have stated I am going to start working out and now he is questioning our relationship and what it will be like when we are married. How much time will we actually spend together if I have to work out? I'm not sure if it has anything to do with his late wife's death, but I think he has always been like this. He says I am too independent. We agree he is insecure. He thinks I should change to accommodate his insecurities. He thinks we should do everything together. Logistics prevent us from working out together daily. If I do go it is rushed because I have to meet him right after. He supports my efforts because it makes me happy but it takes away from my time from him. Now he questions our compatibility. His late wife and him were childhood sweethearts. I am his first girlfriend since. This is my second engagement. I don't want to go through through another broken engagement. What do I do? Sorry it's so jumbled. Thanks for reading! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sanesoul Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 I think he really needs some individual counselling to sort through his issues. His insecurities will destroy your relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 Wow, what a needy control freak. Are you sure you want to marry this guy? Honestly, this isn't remotely healthy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taikero Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 I wouldn't marry him until he works through his neediness/clinginess. If necessary, have him see a therapist. This is serious and will tear your relationship apart if he doesn't work to sort out his issues with giving you an hour or two away from him each day. His behavior is not cute, it is sickeningly codependent and screams of unresolved issues from his past. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Speranza Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 Don't let him 'not address it'. Just bring it up very calmly in your next session - "I felt bad after the last session because we still haven't talked about..." Seriously, is a broken engagement worse than marriage to this guy? IS this a repeat of the issues in your last engagement in any way? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turnaroundmyway Posted May 27, 2010 Author Share Posted May 27, 2010 He is very different from my ex, which is why I chose him. Different family structures and upbringing. Fiancee has stable relationships whereas ex was volatile. I have asked him to work on his insecurities and neediness but right now he is obssessed with relationship books, cds, and quizzes. I take endless quizzes to evaluate our compatibility. I am my wits end. I have an emergency therapy session scheduled this afternoon and I'm pushing this issue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 He is very different from my ex, which is why I chose him. Different family structures and upbringing. Fiancee has stable relationships whereas ex was volatile. I have asked him to work on his insecurities and neediness but right now he is obssessed with relationship books, cds, and quizzes. I take endless quizzes to evaluate our compatibility. I am my wits end. I have an emergency therapy session scheduled this afternoon and I'm pushing this issue. Um, this guy doesn't have stable relationships, because here you are. He's not stable. He's clearly off the deep end trying to control you because he's so afraid of being alone. That. isn't. stable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iJester Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 Just end this nonsense before you do something stupid like actually marry this guy. He is 100% right in thinking that you two are incompatible. He said you are "too independent"...HA! You gotta be kidding me. Enter into this miserable marriage if you want, but expect to be back on here complaining, A LOT. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Go Habs Go Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 If you can't tell after reading the first 3-4 sentences that the guy is needy and likely a control freak, then I don't know what to tell you. Marry him and it will be a life of hell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nutbrownhare Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 If he's not prepared to address the 'real stuff' in counselling, why on earth is he bothering to go? (Unless going with you is part of his unhealthy dependency on you, or he's worried about what you'd say when he isn't there). The way you say that he's questioning your relationship and what will it be like when you're married, suggests that the underlying message is something along the lines of 'You'd better do as I say, mate - or else!'. Your health is suffering because you are choosing to forgo your exercise sessions, and he's telling you that you need to diminish yourself as a person to accommodate his insecurities. Going along with this isn't going to do you any good, let alone him. His insecurities are his problem, but the longer you continue in this relationship, the more likely they are to become yours. And by going along with it, you are also ensuring that he doesn't get to address any of these issues, thereby keeping both of you stuck. Right now, he has no incentive to look at his insecurity - if you're not careful, you'll be giving him all the power and control in the relationship and he's not going to give that up in a hurry. Don't bother yourself with WHY he's like this, or make excuses for him; your first responsibility is to yourself and your own wellbeing. Let go, immediately, the idea that his insecurities will go away if you allow yourself to be controlled by him. They won't. You will just find you lose your sense of self, your sense of your individuality and everything that makes you, you - because he will be too threatened by anything which reminds him that you're a person in your own right and not an extension of him. Far, far better to go through another broken engagement while you're relatively undamaged, than to get married and find that you either need to get out to save your own sanity or just end up being a total victim to this guy's insecurity. Do not for a moment underestimate how enormously psychologically damaging a relationship with this kind of person can be. If you're taking endless quizzes to evaluate your compatibility, I think you know the answer already. There's no way you could have a healthy relationship with someone like this. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 A relationship in which one person demands that the couple be joined at the hip and can't go anywhere or do anything without the other is a very unhealthy relationship. Your fiancee is a control freak and very needy. People with borderline personality disorder tend to act like your partner is acting...clinging very tightly, accusations of being too independent, the temper tantrum type behaviour trying to make the other person feel guilty etc. People like this tend to have a grand sense of entitlement and are not interested in changing..they think everyone else needs to change to adapt to their needs. If you think it is bad now, it will get much worse if you marry him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agent1607307371 Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 Wow, what a needy control freak. Are you sure you want to marry this guy? Honestly, this isn't remotely healthy. Harsh Hex. And totally spot on. The problem with this kind of issue is that people respond to it as though it's "sweet". It's a sign he cares! It's not. It's a sign that you are headed into misery if you don't get it nipped in the bud right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turnaroundmyway Posted May 27, 2010 Author Share Posted May 27, 2010 Thank you, everyone. You haven't said anything that I haven't thought of myself. Depending on if he is willing to get help and resolve his issues, I need to be willing to walk away. I can't live like this. I just feel like such a big loser right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 Thank you, everyone. You haven't said anything that I haven't thought of myself. Depending on if he is willing to get help and resolve his issues, I need to be willing to walk away. I can't live like this. I just feel like such a big loser right now. You aren't the loser here. Not by a long shot. He wants you to feel like that so you're easier to control, and then you'll be his beautiful little songbird, trapped in its beautiful, gilded cage and then he can love you forever and ever and ever and you'll never be able to get away. Ugh, just thinking about it makes me feel so bad for you, OP. Definitely demand your right as a human being to be an independent person. Marriages aren't prisons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nutbrownhare Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 Thank you, everyone. You haven't said anything that I haven't thought of myself. Depending on if he is willing to get help and resolve his issues, I need to be willing to walk away. I can't live like this. I just feel like such a big loser right now. You need to walk away right now. Alternatively, get on with your other - perfectly legitimate - activities and watch him up the ante in an effort to control you. If you're lucky, he may end the relationship himself! He isn't going to change while you're with him (why should he? He's got away with it all this time!), and hanging on in the hope that the other person will change is almost a definition of codependency. Don't make your own wellbeing dependent on him and his actions - you need to take it back for yourself. I understand the sense of failure at having a second broken engagement, both for yourself and what you fear as the judgment of people around you, but, honestly - that will be nothing compared to the terrible future you will face if you continue with this relationship. And while you hang on in there you are totally scuppering your chances of finding someone healthier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scott12 Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 Turnaroundmyway, It kind of seems like no one actually addressed any of your post, so I noticed a few things in there that I would like to ask you to clarify. 1) His first wife is deceased according to your post. Do you know how long ago she died and the circumstances of her death? 2) You mentioned that he resents the time he spends with his daughter because you're not there. Does his daughter not live with him? Is there a reason you're not spending time with him while he has his daughter? 3) Ideally, how much time would you like to spend working out every week? Could he perhaps have something of a legitimate complaint that the two of you don't spend enough time together? 4) How long have the two of you been together? Was he always like this or is it a recent phenomenon? I'll save my actual advice when I receive clarification because there could be several things going on here. Scott Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turnaroundmyway Posted May 27, 2010 Author Share Posted May 27, 2010 His wife died 3 years ago from Cancer. She battled it for 2 years. I believethey went through similar issues. All she did was bake. Outside of work they were together all the time. He does live with his daughter but she spends a lot of time with her Nanny. I remarked how little time they actually spend alone so now they have date nights. Same night as me and my daughter. He resents the day apart. We are usually all together weekends. I would like 30 mins a day. It would take an hour in an out. With my commute time I would be home around 730. We have been together a year. I went to the gym before but it wasn't frequent. This is a lifestyle change, along with eating properly, I need to make. The doctor even said so in front of him. So has our therapist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scott12 Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 His wife died 3 years ago from Cancer. She battled it for 2 years. I believethey went through similar issues. All she did was bake. Outside of work they were together all the time. He does live with his daughter but she spends a lot of time with her Nanny. I remarked how little time they actually spend alone so now they have date nights. Same night as me and my daughter. He resents the day apart. We are usually all together weekends. I would like 30 mins a day. It would take an hour in an out. With my commute time I would be home around 730. We have been together a year. I went to the gym before but it wasn't frequent. This is a lifestyle change, along with eating properly, I need to make. The doctor even said so in front of him. So has our therapist. What makes you think they went through similar issues? Other than that statement by you, I'd suggest that he was having separation anxiety resulting from his wife's death and his subsequent engagement to you. The compatibility quiz stuff is kind of weird, but only from a stereotypical gender perspective in my opinion. I've dated several women who were always asking me to take those quizzes simply because they thought it was fun. Has he been like this the entire time you've been together? Scott Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 He does live with his daughter but she spends a lot of time with her Nanny. I remarked how little time they actually spend alone so now they have date nights. Same night as me and my daughter. He resents the day apart. I find this very disconcerting. Time with his daughter should be a given, not simply considered "date night". He should look forward to time with his daughter and not simply see that as an imposition which takes time away from him being with you. This is a very unhealthy mindset. His daughter lost her mother and she should be his number one priority, not an "oh, do I really HAVE to spend time with her" kind of attitude. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 I find this very disconcerting. Time with his daughter should be a given, not simply considered "date night". He should look forward to time with his daughter and not simply see that as an imposition which takes time away from him being with you. This is a very unhealthy mindset. His daughter lost her mother and she should be his number one priority, not an "oh, do I really HAVE to spend time with her" kind of attitude. I'd like to think that it might just be too painful for him since he may remind him too much of his lost wife, but from everything else... I don't think so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turnaroundmyway Posted May 27, 2010 Author Share Posted May 27, 2010 Scott, He wasn't always like this. He used to hang out with his friends and time was more balanced but as we got closer there was less time for everyone else. I feel like it's all me all the time. I WANT him to spend time with his daughter. She needs him and you can't get the time back when they're older. He has been through bereavment counselling. He has put away most of her stuff. He talks about her less. He hasn't been in any other relationship. I'm trying to tell him it's not normal. He looks at it like I don't know because my past relationships have failed and he would still be married if she had not passed. He doesn't say that though, it's just how I feel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scott12 Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 Scott, He wasn't always like this. He used to hang out with his friends and time was more balanced but as we got closer there was less time for everyone else. I feel like it's all me all the time. I WANT him to spend time with his daughter. She needs him and you can't get the time back when they're older. He has been through bereavment counselling. He has put away most of her stuff. He talks about her less. He hasn't been in any other relationship. I'm trying to tell him it's not normal. He looks at it like I don't know because my past relationships have failed and he would still be married if she had not passed. He doesn't say that though, it's just how I feel. Yeah, I'd say he needs to go back to bereavement counseling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Speranza Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 I was worrying about the daughter too. Why doesn't she live with him? Have you actually realised that whatever else is going on, you are his rebound relationship? Nobody can promise not to die. I suspect this is what he wants from a partner. You say they did everything together apart from when she was baking? So he had issues pre-dating her death possibly. Anyway - you don't really need our advice, you know what to do and only you can decide whether or not to do it. I can't think why you are staying with him, unless you are desperate for children yourself and think this is your best option. It isn't. You have plenty of time to leave, recover and get a decent man. You do NOT need to stay with him out of pity. I think the way he is with his daughter should be yet another HUGE red flag. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpottiOtti Posted May 28, 2010 Share Posted May 28, 2010 Do not for a moment underestimate how enormously psychologically damaging a relationship with this kind of person can be. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ It's true. I've been through it. Please get out while you can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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