She really likes him but he has a girlfriend??

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

she should give him an ultimatum so he doesn't play with her heart....

 

also, i disagree. Not your friends responsibility. I started a thread about this in infidelity called "morally obligated?"

 

Ultimatums don't work on cheaters because the key component to cheating is lying. Sure, I will do whatever you say since you're threatening to leave. Wink.

 

This is obviously an unpopular viewpoint, we are aware you hold it. Most others will not share it, however.

 

Logically, cheating and murder are both considered negative acts, only to vastly differing degrees. The cheater and the murderer bear the brunt of the punishment for their active role in the act. If you knowingly help someone commit murder, you are considered wrong. The correlating person in this hypothetical is the voluntary other man or woman. It follows, logically.

 

But not everyone has logical viewpoints, so I will float you that.

Kidding.

[Sanesoul]

No from the sounds of it he hasn't done this sort of thing before and doesn't go around looking for random girls to date on the side but I dont know something seems to have clicked with them when neither of them was really looking for it..

 

Or he's really good at pretending he's never done this before. It's telling of his character that he would do this at all.

[digger11]

 

 

It's not a ME OR HER! ultimatum just a "I don't feel comfortable spending more time together while you're in a relationship. We either need to change the manor of our relationship or not have one at all."

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I guess, if it were me, I would rather just not deal with someone willing to murk up the lines so much. He clearly doesn't have boundaries for monogamy, that is just drama unless the three of them agree to an open relationship.

[metrogirl]

No from the sounds of it he hasn't done this sort of thing before and doesn't go around looking for random girls to date on the side but I dont know something seems to have clicked with them when neither of them was really looking for it..

 

I would hate to think that my boyfriend went out with someone he just met hoping he would click with her.

 

I would much rather he tell me that I am not doing it for him and end our relationship than have him walk in one day and tell me "sorry you gotta go because I click with someone else".

 

Sigh.

[BellaStranger]

If I found out my bf was seeing someone on the sly and she knew about me, all bets would be off. She would be dealt with accordingly.

 

Women are all too happy to blame other women when it's the man who has cheated! If my boyfriend cheated 100% of the blame would be with him- which IMO is where it should be- she wouldn't matter to me!

 

However, I'm not at all suggesting that this guys gf should be a non-issue to the OP's friend- and clearly it isn't and she's very concerned about it- I just think she needs to focus it in the right way. She doesnt need to upset herself or worry about HIS gf's feelings- she needs to worry about how it affects her and that is that this man is unavailable right now and his situation needs to change before it can progress. The outcome is the same, it's just the focus that is different!

[lavenderdove]

OK, this is pretty simple. First, she has to be able to translate player or cheater language.

 

Most cheaters have a story to tell that will lure people into sex with them, because they know that most people don't want to have sex wtih someone who is 'taken' and already has a partner.

 

So they drop little hints like, 'my wife travels and is gone a lot' or 'she doesn't understand me' or 'we don't really get along but i'm staying for x y or z reason'. They are testing the limits by letting you know that (a) if their partner is not around they are available for sex with you (i.e., when she is out of town) and (b) they are trying to cast their partner in a bad light so you won't feel guilty about hurting the partner by having sex with them, as in it is ok to have sex and see them since their partner is a jerk.

 

But really, how many people do you know that reveal their partner is a cheater to someone they just met at a gym? He's setting your friend up to cheat with him. And the players i know will lie and say their exes or partner cheats, then THEY are the one who is a cheater but saying she cheats makes other women sympathetic to them.

 

How many good guys do you know who go out for drinks alone several times with other single women who are obviously interested in them? They just don't. They go home to their girlfirend or wife.

 

This guy is slowly leading her down the path to sleeping with him. He's experienced at it too by the lines he is using. The thing your friend must listen to is that he says he is happy with the situation, i.e., that is a big red flag saying he is happy with his girlfriend and intends to stay with her, and is his way of letting your friend know that if she continues down this path (and sleeps with him), he will not leave his girlfriend and she's on her own.

 

Your friend is excited about the potential to have him as her boyfriend. He is excited about the potential to have a girl on the side who knows he has a girlfriend but is willing to sneak around with him. They are talking to two different languages here, and your friend is not 'getting' that this guy is a player/cheater and is luring her in.

 

Also, if he is a good guy, then she could continue to be his 'gym friend' but make it clear that she doesn't date taken men, and should refuse to go to drinks with him etc. because of that. He can still get to know her at the gym and IF he likes her enough, he could leave the girlfriend. But if he doesn't leave the girlfriend then this is a no brainer that she should not 'date' him with drinks etc. It's fine if she chats harmlessly at the gym, but by meeting him for drinks, she is letting him know that she is available to date taken guys and cheat with him, if he continues to hook her in until she cares so much she thinks it is 'love' and justifies that to herself and sleeps with him. Meanwhile he's still with his girlfriend and she's become the other woman on the side. There's only heartbreak in that for her.

[BriarRose]

While I agree that the most ethical thing to do is end a relationship before becoming close to someone else, in life this often does not happen. Often, a new person becomes the catalyst for a breakup in a relationship that was already on it's way out to begin with (his current gf has already cheated on him).

 

I'm not advocating the friend continuing to see him, just pointing out that many (if not most) breakups occur after a new person has entered the picture.

[Sanesoul]

While I agree that the most ethical thing to do is end a relationship before becoming close to someone else, in life this often does not happen. Often, a new person becomes the catalyst for a breakup in a relationship that was already on it's way out to begin with (his current gf has already cheated on him).

 

I'm not advocating the friend continuing to see him, just pointing out that many (if not most) breakups occur after a new person has entered the picture.

 

 

It's sad that in our society this is so prevalent. Selfishness is rampant. A lot of people just don't take relationships seriously anymore, and that's a bit numbing.

[BriarRose]

It's sad that in our society this is so prevalent. Selfishness is rampant. A lot of people just don't take relationships seriously anymore, and that's a bit numbing.

Yes, I agree. But the fact remains that people do leave their partners for other people, sometimes even ending up marrying those other people. I think it is also cowardly - to not be able to leave someone until you have someone else.

 

Or he could just be looking to sleep with her and nothing more.

[metrogirl]

Women are all too happy to blame other women when it's the man who has cheated! If my boyfriend cheated 100% of the blame would be with him- which IMO is where it should be- she wouldn't matter to me!

 

However, I'm not at all suggesting that this guys gf should be a non-issue to the OP's friend- and clearly it isn't and she's very concerned about it- I just think she needs to focus it in the right way. She doesnt need to upset herself or worry about HIS gf's feelings- she needs to worry about how it affects her and that is that this man is unavailable right now and his situation needs to change before it can progress. The outcome is the same, it's just the focus that is different!

 

I'm not talking about some woman that got sucked into dating a guy that she didn't know was taken, I could totally see how it's not her fault, however if she knows that he has a wife or a girlfriend, especially a live in girlfriend then she has violated a serious code of conduct, she should be prepared for consequences.

 

Some wives and girlfriends aren't going to take kindly to a woman knowingly sleeping with a man that has a SO. She should be prepared to deal with whatever is handed to her. She is just as guilty as the cheating man.