Husband secretly watches porn... any chance he gets!!!

[jaxlo]

i know you all see these posts a lot but whhhyy are men like this? He knows I hate porn and he acts like he only knows about it because he lived with his brother for a couple years and he is a porn addict. Anyway, when we were living with my parents for a little bit when I was pregnant, I went on my sisters computer one day and typed something in and a web address came up to a picture of a suicide girl naked! i always knew he liked porn and didn't mind it too much but the fact that he HAD to look it up at my parents house made me think something was very very wrong.

So, I ignored it and deleted the history so my family wouldn't see! I don't like confrontation, sorry guys.

anyway, we have been living with his parents since our child was 5 months old and he's now a year old. If my husband isn't working and I come back from somewhere or come in from walking the dog and I go on the computer, the history is cleared. It was pissing me off so one day i changed the options so that he would do what he normally does but it wouldn't clear the history completely. well, i did then he went to work and it was loads of porn... like foot fetish and crap. The reason that got me mad is because he confessed to me that he liked my feet and said "it's not a fetish, i really only like yours". To me, that was flattering. It is probably why he is so into me is that I do things for him sexually that you'd probably see in porn but to me, that's why I don't get why he has to watch it!

So lately, I'll go out and leave him with our son, I come back and he's on the computer and our son is in the high chair playing with crap. It's like "pay attention to him! you are either at work or on the computer, spend some time with your son when you are home!"

Also, he has an IPhone and I'm always paranoid that he is doing porn crap on there, I'm so sick of it, honestly. The fact that he does this on his parents computer is messed up. We are moving out to our own house in a couple of weeks and I am starting work. I'm terrified that when he spends a whole day with our son, he will abandon him for the computer! Not just that, but what if my son gets a peak at what's on the screen... i don't want him turning out like my husband!

i want to confront him but don't know how... please help, is he addicted or just a regular dude?

 

btw- he isn't sex deprived. we have sex a lot and on the days we don't, he gets a foot job or hand job or blow job... not kidding, he maybe goes one night a week without so it's not that he is not fulfilled.

[hexaemeron]

Okay, I'm going to lay this right out for you. Your husband's porn and masturbation have nothing to do with you. Nothing. It doesn't affect his love or desire for you in any way.

 

Porn and masturbation are purely about stress-relief. End of story. Now, as long as he's not denying you sex in favor of porn and masturbation, it would likely behoove you to stop being so insecure, realize that a man is not a woman with a penis and that men (and a lot of women) are wired differently than you.

 

Let him have his stress relief. He'll be a better husband and father, believe me.

[jaxlo]

why does he have to be so secretive then? just yesterday he knew i wouldn't come out of the room because the baby fell asleep on me. when i did come out and he was all done on the computer, the history was cleared. although i was most likely not coming out, i definitely could have and it's like he likes the risk to me. you are saying he isn't addicted even though he does it any chance he gets including at his parents and my parents place?

[eleanorrigby1]

The only part of your message that concerned me was the part where you said your partner left your child in his highchair and he was sat on the computer looking at porn?!! how can you feel horny when looking after your child? and even consider looking at porn?

 

I totally understand where you are coming from with the rest of it though because my partner looks at porn, if i go to bed early because i am tired (pregnant and we have a toddler) he will stay up and the next day i can tell he has been looking at porn, not because of web history but because he has files of pictures he likes (he only likes curvy short girls so he has certain pictures saved onto his computer as a lot of porn is not his cup of tea) anyway i know that he has been on these files because its in the computer 'last files viewed and such' and it bugs me!!

 

i know he loves and fancies me and i don't know why it bugs me soo much.. maybe because he always acted and said he wasnt interested in porn and made himself out to be whiter than white when we first met and now i see he has files and files and files full of pornographic material!

[hexaemeron]

why does he have to be so secretive then? just yesterday he knew i wouldn't come out of the room because the baby fell asleep on me. when i did come out and he was all done on the computer, the history was cleared. although i was most likely not coming out, i definitely could have and it's like he likes the risk to me. you are saying he isn't addicted even though he does it any chance he gets including at his parents and my parents place?

 

Because you hate porn and you've created an environment where he cannot feel comfortable being honest with you, because all you're going to do is shame him into validating your insecurities. Of course he won't be honest with you. What possible reason would make him say "Yes, being honest about this is a good thing?"

[BellaDonna]

I wouldn't worry about the occasional porn use itself as much as I would worry about this:

 

So lately, I'll go out and leave him with our son, I come back and he's on the computer and our son is in the high chair playing with crap. It's like "pay attention to him! you are either at work or on the computer, spend some time with your son when you are home!"

 

 

I'm terrified that when he spends a whole day with our son, he will abandon him for the computer! Not just that, but what if my son gets a peak at what's on the screen... i don't want him turning out like my husband!

 

 

Clearly he doesn't have his priorities straight if he is viewing it when he is supposed to be caring for his child. It sounds like it could be an addiction.

 

Since you snooped to find out you will have to come clean about that. But now there is going to be a worse cycle of lying that results from it. He's going to be angry and embarassed and likely will shut you out. So I would highly reccommend you 2 go to couples counseling because it sounds like your relationship may be in danger otherwise. Resentment alone, could destroy your relationship.

When trust is broken (from snooping and/or from lying) it is going to take some real work to repair the relationship.

 

If I were you. I'd frame the discussion around how bad this is for your child to be witnessing. No child should be ignored while their parent is on a porn site. That is a very bad choice on his part.

[jaxlo]

you are right because i have told him that i don't get why people watch porn, it is gross.. understandable but at the same time, it took a lot of courage for him to tell me about his foot fetish. i mean, he spent days trying to tell me and when he did, i was completely supportive of it and i would be okay with him watching porn if he did it when he had spare time. and by spare time, i don't mean "oh i'm off work, this is spare time" because to me, he should spend time with us, his family and if he has time after that, then he can go onto those sites. but to ditch us for it and to look forward to me going out so he can do it bothers me especially because i am leaving him with our son.

[hexaemeron]

you are right because i have told him that i don't get why people watch porn, it is gross.. understandable but at the same time, it took a lot of courage for him to tell me about his foot fetish. i mean, he spent days trying to tell me and when he did, i was completely supportive of it and i would be okay with him watching porn if he did it when he had spare time. and by spare time, i don't know "oh i'm off work, this is spare time" because to me, he should spend time with us, his family and if he has tiem after that, then he can go onto those sites. but to ditch us for it and to look forward to me going out so he can do it bothers me!

 

Stress relief shouldn't have to be something that you administrate to your partner. Should he be able to tell you "Oh, so that foot bath/back massager/etc, you can only do this x, y and z?" -- He's your partner, not property and not a child.

[BellaDonna]

but to ditch us for it and to look forward to me going out so he can do it bothers me!

 

It is problematic that a fantasy starts to take priority over reality.

 

There is a difference between porn use and porn addiction. It sounds like he falls into the addiction category if he has to seek it out so much, and in situations that most people would deem inappropriate (i.e. in front of a baby in a high chair)

[jaxlo]

that is what i was thinking, i want to confront him but do not know how without getting angry. i'm fine with disclosing me snooping because he knows how i am, i kind of want to just say "why is the history always clear? what do you do?" by the way, he doesn't hide it very well considering he adds porn stars and models on his myspace page all the time like i won't notice. it's embarrassing because my family and friends are friends with him on there and it announces it to all of his friends that he just added so and so... i'm going to confront him about that first because it annoys me and it's easier for me to say.

[hexaemeron]

that is what i was thinking, i want to confront him but do not know how without getting angry. i'm fine with disclosing me snooping because he knows how i am, i kind of want to just say "why is the history always clear? what do you do?" by the way, he doesn't hide it very well considering he adds porn stars and models on his myspace page all the time like i won't notice. it's embarrassing because my family and friends are friends with him on there and it announces it to all of his friends that he just added so and so... i'm going to confront him about that first because it annoys me and it's easier for me to say.

 

Why does the porn bother you? I'm not trying to be contentious, but I'm genuinely curious. What's so "gross" about it?

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

There is a murky line when one partner is an opponent of porn and the other is possibly compulsive about porn. It is almost impossible to know who has the problem.

 

If your problems with him watching porn are emotional (ew it is gross, why does he do that, doesn't he want me, omg he is lying and sneaking, whyy??), the problem is yours to deal with.

 

If your problems with him watching porn are pragmatic (he won't sleep with me, he won't work, he won't help around the house, he just yanks all night and all day and I've had to resuscitate him over it thrice) then the problem is his to deal with.

[jaxlo]

honestly, it is gross to me in many ways. the number one way is what it does to men, like i wonder what they think when they watch it and that grosses me out a lot. i even get grossed out if i see a guy check me out or another girl out... i don't know but thinking about what a guy thinks about when he sees those images grosses me out if that makes sense. ALSO, it looks ugly, like everything is greased up looking and i hate the close ups on the private parts, i honestly look away when they close up on the vagina. it bothers me that my husband shaves that area because it is not attractive to me, what's wrong iwth a little trim... i know that he shaves it because that is what porn tells him to do.

by the way, i am not in the least bit prude... i do things you would see in porn and we ahve made our own movies but i just don't like the professional ones i guess.

[greywolf]

why does he have to be so secretive then? just yesterday he knew i wouldn't come out of the room because the baby fell asleep on me. when i did come out and he was all done on the computer, the history was cleared. although i was most likely not coming out, i definitely could have and it's like he likes the risk to me. you are saying he isn't addicted even though he does it any chance he gets including at his parents and my parents place?

 

Probably because he knows it bothers you.

[Hermes]

Yes, Hex.

 

realize that a man is not a woman with a penis and that men (and a lot of women) are wired differently than you.

That is well put, and maybe at the heart of the matter.

 

 

Jaxlo:

 

I ather from your post that your husbad does not go out to work? So perhaps there is an element of boredom?

 

H

[hexaemeron]

I don't think you're a prude, but you're awfully judgmental and it seems like you have issues with sex and intimacy. I really don't think he's the problem here after reading this... You shouldn't be grossed out by the simple act of human physical attraction.

[greywolf]

OP, exactly how often does he watch porn?

[jaxlo]

no my husband works all the time but the times he is off is when this occurs.

I will admit that i have problems with this and you guys are all right and making me realize that i am over reacting but i still think he is doing it excessively and that he sholdn't neglect our son in the high chair to do his business. like i said, what is going to happen when he is with our son for a whole eight hours when start at a part time job? i feel like he'll be like "whoo hoo got the house to myself for this long, can do so much" and he'll just put our son to sleep or throw in the swing or stuff like that.

 

he watches porn, like i said, any chance he gets and this isn't including his iphone usage... i don't know what the hell he does on there but he is on it constantly if he isn't on the computer or at work.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Could it be (I may not have seen where you said this), the incident with your son was isolated and a genuine mistake? While I know kids are most important, I'm sure every parent has done something slightly neglectful. Parents are still human.

[greywolf]

Do you know this for sure, or is it your assumption?

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

And I will second Hermes, though he works, he sounds bored as hell to me. Do you guys communicate or have a healthy relationship otherwise? I know I have done the majority of my nonstop porn watching when I had nothing better to do.

[Sanesoul]

The only thing that bothers me is that he's taking care of business while his son is sitting there in the high chair.

 

If nothing else, that needs to be addressed before your child is old enough to realize what he is doing.

[digger11]

Okay, I'm going to lay this right out for you. Your husband's porn and masturbation have nothing to do with you. Nothing. It doesn't affect his love or desire for you in any way.

 

Porn and masturbation are purely about stress-relief. End of story. Now, as long as he's not denying you sex in favor of porn and masturbation, it would likely behoove you to stop being so insecure, realize that a man is not a woman with a penis and that men (and a lot of women) are wired differently than you.

 

Let him have his stress relief. He'll be a better husband and father, believe me.

 

it's not only stress relief... it feels good and it's natural.

 

It does sound like he is looking A LOT. that may be problematic. also the frequency in which porn is viewed DOES have consequences on sex.

[hexaemeron]

it's not only stress relief... it feels good and it's natural.

 

It does sound like he is looking A LOT. that may be problematic. also the frequency in which porn is viewed DOES have consequences on sex.

 

Well, when people are outright denied something they need, they tend to overcompensate. If the OP would let her husband know it was okay to do this, and he doesn't have to hide it, it's probably likely it would decrease on its own.

[digger11]

Well, when people are outright denied something they need, they tend to overcompensate. If the OP would let her husband know it was okay to do this, and he doesn't have to hide it, it's probably likely it would decrease on its own.

 

what does he need? sex? did OP say they don't have sex?

 

One doesn't NEED porn, it can help sexual release which IS something almost all people need.

 

But too much porn CAN have an effect on sex and a relationship.