Controlling girlfriend

[TonyM]

 

She see her friends on average about 2 - 4 times during the day

 

Sorry that meant to read 2 - 4 times a week - not day!

[generaldiscord]

Sounds like the lady friend isn't getting out of the house enough.

 

In the short term, it might help to dust of the stroller and go for a walk with her every day for 30 minutes or so. See the sunset. Get some fresh air. Start inviting people over to your house, at most once a week, to meet the baby or have a drink or whatever. In the long term, it might be best to establish a weekly social meeting at your house. Bridge, poker, football, chamber music, it doesn't matter. What does matter is that she can be tangentially involved and not feel rejected.

 

You can't make her a social person. No matter what you do, she will be in the house all day moping and wondering whether you hate her new fat thighs or not. What you can do is show her and tell her that you still care. Every little word you say is going to replay in her head 100 times, so saying sweet things is a great value for the price.

[DN]

If she is slready getting out of the house to see her friends alone but is not allowing you the same then she is being unreasonable.

[misssmithviii]

Agree with DN. If she's actually getting out and having her own social life but demanding that you aren't "allowed" to that sounds like a problem. Once again, compatibility is a factor however this piece of information works against her and she's not being fair.

 

Tell her what's up. Tell her you don't see why she can go out but you can't. For the sake of reasoning, she's probably fearing what most women fear after having a man's child - that you'll lose interest in her and won't see her the same way. I think the relationship between you two is on thin ice and there needs to be some boundaries set here.

[-Sanguine-]

She does sound like she is being unreasonable. You should be able to see your friends.

 

Although, when you spend time together as a couple, is it worthwhile? I mean you are both probably busy with work and the baby, but do you make a point to make specific time just for you and her?

If not, maybe do this and she may be less likely to feel down about you going out.

Just a thought, I could be completely off.

[TonyM]

I thought I'd give people a bit of an update. My girlfriend and I had a talk at the weekend. It went ok, but not amazing as there was stuff she still couldn't understand where I was coming from.

So we tried to talk about why she thinks it's ok for her to go out and see her friends every day during the week while I'm at work, but why I'm being totally unreasonable to want to go out just one evening a week round a friends house to catch up or something for just a couple of hours. All she could say was she just thinks it's "unrealistic" for me to go out once a week now we have a baby. Maybe I'm missing something but, our baby is in bed asleep by 7.30 every night so it wouldn't effect me helping out with baby duties as she's asleep by the time I want to go out. She said maybe once every 2 weeks for 2 hours is something more reasonable for me to go out. She said it's different for her while I'm at work as it doesn't interfere with anything or effect us or the baby. I tried to make her see that if she never went out with her friends during the week and just looked after the baby every day, she'd go insane, which is what happens with me being at work and then never seeing anyone. She just couldn't see my point. I told her how it was making me really depressed and miserable and she just couldn't see it.

Doing anything with friends at weekends (and I'm mainly talking about doing stuff including my girlfriend, baby and friends during the day -bbq's etc, and only once every few weeks or something), but in her eyes that's a total no no and not even up for discussion as she thinks weekends should just be for us. I'm totally cool with doing stuff with her friends at the weekends.

In the end she said I can go out during the week, but it wasn't as if she agreed with me and was giving her blessing. She basically just said she "didn't care what I did anymore and just to do what I want"!

So basically the upshot was it's ok for her to keep in touch and see friends every day during the week (which I don't have the luxury of doing because I'm at work all day earning the money to pay for rent, food, baby stuff), but I'm being totally out of order for wanting to go round a friends house for a catch up for just 2 hours a week!

 

Like -D- says though it also seems like one of her issues is that she thinks that we don't spend quality time together anymore. So although we're with each other a lot, it's not like we're going out and doing nice things together as much as she'd like. I take this as a fair point as we don't do as much as we used to and so we should try and do more together which I will try a and do more about.

 

So we had a talk, made a very small bit of progress but not loads really and I don't really feel that much better about things as a result which is kind of making me start to feel a bit resentful towards her with it.

I think we both know our relationship is on thin ice at the moment and I also suggested councilling, but she won't agree to it.

It just seems all compromises etc come from my side and it's all take and no give with her.

I will try and organise more quality time between us and see if that helps improve things, but I'm not sure how we can really sort things out when I feel she rarely even tries to understand and see things from my side of things

[SpottiOtti]

Tony, sorry to hear that you are not really getting anywhere with this lady. It really does sound like the two of you need counselling, esp. since you write that she can't see things from your p.o.v. I hope you will consider going for counselling alone even if she won't go as a couple, to help you deal with her behavior.

 

Her behavior does sort of border emotional abuse. She is trying to control you. Could be for any number of reasons, and she might not realise that what she is doing is abusive, but it's not right and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

 

I hope it won't take you getting fed up and leaving for her to realise that she needs to change her ways. Best of luck.

[DN]

Do you think she is concerned that you may cheat on her and if so - have you ever given her any reason to think that?

 

If that is not the issue then stick to your guns. As for making your time together more interesting at the weekends - that is a shared responsibility. It is not just your job to find ways to keep her entertained but hers as well. You can take turns planning things or decide together but one person doesn't have the sole responsibility to be the 'cruise director'.

[hexaemeron]

She sounds completely unreasonable. You know... Underhanded as this is... Maybe you should take like a week or two and totally devoted every waking moment to being near her/around her with absolutely no break. Maybe then she'll realize you do need some self time. And if she doesn't and she just loves this, then you know she really does want to own and control you. What you do with that knowledge is totally up to you. Sucks though, I'm sorry.

[generaldiscord]

Oh, I see now. She's keeping you on a tight leash because she's afraid you'll wander off on her. Unfortunately the only way you can make her not have that fear is to go do what you want and make it clear that you aren't coloring outside of the lines. Don't give her any possible reason to suspect it, and eventually I think it will be less of a problem.

[TonyM]

Firstly, thanks so much guys for all the feedback and advice. It really does help just getting stuff off my chest and to have people be able to see where I'm coming from after so long of having it inside as my girlfriend won't really listen.

I wouldn't say it's all down to her being scared I'd find someone else as it's not just me going out she has problems with, but also just seeing my friends in general which also means having them round to my house. I maybe think if it's not her friends, then she's just not interested. I think there's probably a bit of her being worried about me cheating, but I've never given her any reason to think that, and have never ever cheated on anyone in my life, whereas you could say it's more the other way as she's had quite a colouful past I guess you could say.

To be honest, my gut feeling is a big chunk of it could be a jealousy thing of me enjoying myself. I think she gets bitter if I'm seeing my friends and also might get jealous that I want spend time with them too and not just her. A lot of her more kind of drinking buddies kind she doesn't see as much as I think she's lost contact a bit and feels like she doesn't have much in common with them anymore after the baby. I don't think it is necessarily as bad as she thinks though and she's making a lot of assumptions about them and why she doesn't see them as much.

I think I definitely will try and get some councelling because I really do need to just sit down and speak to someone who will just listen to me as it's really getting to me deep down.

[sunshine1]

I feel sad, because this sounds like me and I'm in such a much better place now that I don't feel the need to control others or make my bf feel bad about doing things that made him happy.

 

The descriptions of your gf sound just like me though (without the baby). My suggestion is to try and explain to her that you wanting to see your friends does not mean you don't love her or the baby any less. It just means that sometimes you would like to see other people who are important in your life (and then tell her that she is still most important to you - if that is how you feel of course). Maybe she just needs some reassurance that you're not hanging out with your friends because they are "better" than her.

 

Like I mentioned in my earlier post, I thought this way at one point. As immature as that may be, it could be what she is thinking and maybe just bringing that up could fix her way of thinking?

[generaldiscord]

Part of having a colourful past is knowing how easy it can be. She is tethered by the baby, so she kind of doesn't have a choice... You should be glad that she's getting out and not suffering from too much post partum. I'm sure things will get better with some time.

 

If you love each other, I agree counseling would be the best step for now, but I think couples counseling would be better. You can both get to the bottom of what is bothering you both are feeling.