Controlling girlfriend

[TonyM]

My girlfriend and I have been together just over 2 years and live together.

All the time since I've been seeing her, she hates me doing any kind of socialising whether this is after work with work colleagues or with friends. I'm very close to some of my friends who I'd count more like family and she does what she can very subtlely to stop me seeing them or having any kind of a life outside of working and being at home with her.

It's really starting to get to me and depress me as I keep having to make excuses to friends as to why I can't meet them and feel like I have no life whatsoever now I'm seeing her.

Most of the time she'll use emotional reasons as to why I can't see them to make me feel guilty rather than any proper reasons - e.g if I go out she'll say she has to spend the evening by herself which is bad of me.

I feel like she's treating me really badly. I never make any issue of her going out and seeing her friends and living any kind of life of her own.

I don't know what to do. I try and talk to her about things but she just throws temper tantrums and tries to make me feel like I'm in the wrong and am a rubbish boyfriend.

Does anyone have any thoughts as to what I could do? I just don't understand why if you loved someone you would try your best to stop them living any kind of life and stop them doing the things they love doing, when it has no negative effect on your own life at all!

[hexaemeron]

As kindly as you can, inform her you're a partner, not a prisoner. If she doesn't want to be bored and alone, she'll need to cultivate some friends and hobbies, but she won't do that as long as you're bowing down to her emotional terrorism.

[DN]

Ignore it. Go out with your friends and ignore the manipulation. You can only be manipulated if you allow her to do it. if she has a temper tantrum - ignore it. If she sulks - ignore it. If she has a pity-party - ignore it.

 

If she leaves you - ignore it and find someone less selfish.

[botticelli]

I can speak from the perspective of your girlfriend. I am like this with my boyfriend. (however, I should note that my boyfriend is like it with me as well, and we are not social people so we are happy this way.)

 

I simply dislike the idea of sharing him with other people. I know some people wouldn't think it's healthy but yes, i am overly possessive. I know it's unhealthy and I am lucky enough to have found someone compatible with that particular flaw. But If you like socializing, then perhaps you are not compatible with her?

 

You seem like you care about her a lot, but this will eventually lead to you resenting her, which is never healthy. Honestly, I don't think I could ever learn to cope with a spouse that liked to hang out with their friends without me (If i tried, it would lead to resentment on my part), so I'm not sure if there can be a win-win solution in this case.

[botticelli]

Ignore it. Go out with your friends and ignore the manipulation. You can only be manipulated if you allow her to do it. if she has a temper tantrum - ignore it. If she sulks - ignore it. If she has a pity-party - ignore it.

 

If she leaves you - ignore it and find someone less selfish.

 

She will most likely end up breaking up with you if you do this. Which is perhaps for the best.

[sunshine1]

I was totally guilty of this in the beginning of my relationship. I thought that if my bf spent time with other people or doing other things it meant he loved me less and was choosing things over me.

 

Really I was just very insecure with myself and was afraid he would find someone better.

 

Eventually it hit me that he deserves to have a life all his own and that I'm just a part of it - not ALL of it. He sees his friends, plays sports, goes out with others. I actually really like it because it makes me realize that we can have our own lives and we still love each other at the end of the day.

 

I always encourage him to go out and have fun now. Some nights we'll go out together and even then I tell him to go talk to other people and have his own fun. I think a lot of people who are controlling are insecure and immature. I don't know how it hit me, but I matured - grew up and realized I'm not the princess and his life is not all about me.

 

It disgusts me now to think I ever acted like that and wanted him to do anything other than what made him happy.

 

I encourage you to tell your gf she should find her own hobbies, friends and interests because then she may see that it is ok to do other things. Also, I would tell her that this behavior has to stop or you will leave her.

 

If my boyfriend would have left me, it would have been the quickest way for me to shape up. I'm LUCKY that I realized it on my own before its too late - but I would stick with it. Controlling people are selfish and manipulative and need a reality check. The world is NOT all about them.

 

So, either she decides to respect you or you leave her and find someone who does not make you compromise who you are. After all, if you are giving up everything you once cared about for her, you'll not only lose sight of who you are, but you will also be lost if you two ever break up.

 

A relationship should be about bringing the best out of each other, not bringing each other down or making someone feel guilty or bad about enjoying activities for themself.

 

It's healthy to have your own life and it only makes for stronger relationships long term. NO ONE should be controlled by another and you should not stand for it. I wish you all the best.

[misssmithviii]

Have you tried maybe inviting her to hang out with you and your friends? In all fairness she could be feeling like you two never hang out together and is (obviously) going about it the wrong way, but it's a possibility nonetheless.

 

It also could be a compatibility issue because I know many, happy long-term couples who are very satisfied always being with their bf/gf - and she sounds like she might be expecting that kind of relationship. However I must agree that guilting you negates that theory, and it is very manipulative of her, not to mention disrespectful to you.

 

If I were you I'd talk to her about it, tell her how it makes you feel calmly and that her behavior is having such a negative effect on you. Tell her what you expect in a relationship and explain to her what you want. If you two can't find a medium ground or compromise then I can tell you right now it won't work out.

 

Couples enter dangerous territory when one stops caring about the other - and this usually happens when they reach a difference in expectations/boundaries and what they truly want in a relationship.

[TonyM]

Thanks for the advice guys.

You're right in that I do care a lot for her. We also have a 5 month old baby too which is why I really don't want to screw anything up.

I do sometimes feel like ignoring it and just organising things anyway. I barely ever go out. I say she can come out too but she doesn't want to and tries to turn me against my friends byb saying they treat me badly etc.

I get the blame for anything bad in the relationship. It feels like I'm just here to serve and appease her a lot of the time.

A lot of the time I don't stand for it and we have big arguments and don't talk for a day or two. I just don't know how to get through to her and make her see my point. I really feel like she wouldn't be happy unless I had no life of my own.

Unless this gets sorted I feel we could split up which really depresses and worries because I do love her but also because I I know I probably won't get to see my baby daughter as much

[hexaemeron]

Was she like this before your child was born? I'm wondering... post-partum depression?

[SpottiOtti]

I just don't understand why if you loved someone you would try your best to stop them living any kind of life and stop them doing the things they love doing, when it has no negative effect on your own life at all!

 

That's because the behavior you are witnessing is not love. It is obsession/possession.

 

I have been guilty of it in the past too, when i was younger and before I learned what emotional abuse is. I hope that you will not let yourself continue to be a victim of it.

[misssmithviii]

I agree with you. There are many compatible couples like this, and my relationship is very much like this as well. However, it's annoying when people tell me that "it's unhealthy" and that we both must be insecure - instead of just understanding that their ARE couples who just enjoy being with each other all the time. My man and I are crazy about cars, we work on them together, we drive them together and we go to the race track together. It would be weird if we didn't because we both just love doing it so much. I personally feel like it's because we're best friends, we are incredibly compatible and we have the exact same interests.

 

Other couples cannot stand the thought of spending this much time together, and while I do not understand that much either - I must say compatibility comes into play a lot in this case.

 

I think you gave very balanced, understanding insight here.

[sunshine1]

Well I think it makes a bit of a difference if you have a baby together.

 

Do you expect to go out a lot with out her and leave her all alone to tend to the baby? That's a lot of work and so in that case I would understand her being upset.

 

You can still have a life of your own with a baby, obviously, but I wonder if you are spending TOO much time wanting to go out and that is upsetting her.

[botticelli]

Great post, misssmithviii! ^^

I had never rationalized it that way before, but it makes total sense! Me and my boyfriend are happy being alone together. Being with other people feels kind of annoying to both of us. I guess it's a preference thing. Tony's girlfriend must--as you say-- have these kind of expectations.

 

sunshine1- it's great that you feel you have matured, but i don't think anyone should leave their comfort zone in relationships. I agree it is immature to be controlling, but it's definitely OK to feel upset in such an open relationship, and I don't see anything wrong with wanting to be "his princess" so long as he is also treated as a prince and given the first place in your heart. To some, that may be the ideal relationship.

[sunshine1]

Great post, misssmithviii! ^^

I had never rationalized it that way before, but it makes total sense! Me and my boyfriend are happy being alone together. Being with other people feels kind of annoying to both of us. I guess it's a preference thing. Tony's girlfriend must--as you say-- have these kind of expectations.

 

sunshine1- it's great that you feel you have matured, but i don't think anyone should leave their comfort zone in relationships. I agree it is immature to be controlling, but it's definitely OK to feel upset in such an open relationship, and I don't see anything wrong with wanting to be "his princess" so long as he is also treated as a prince and given the first place in your heart. To some, that may be the ideal relationship.

 

 

The thing is though, my boyfriend treats me great and we are so happy together. We live together and spend the majority of our time together. We're best friends and get along so well.

 

However, he enjoys playing sports and he has friends and a family. Same with me. We both also have jobs. I think its important that we do things with other people we care about and not just get ourselves into a little hole and ignore the rest of the world. Just because you are in love, doesn't mean that no one else should matter.

 

I don't see anything wrong with spending a lot of time together, but it IS unhealthy to spend ALL your time together.

[TonyM]

Was she like this before your child was born? I'm wondering... post-partum depression?

 

Kind of. Still didn't like me doing things, but she was also a lot colder and didn't show much emotion and warmth towards me. She is now more affactionate but just has these horrible controlling tenancies and also threatens to leave me during arguments - another controlling feature I guess.

 

I also always encourage her to go out and see her friends as well.

[hexaemeron]

Kind of. Still didn't like me doing things, but she was also a lot colder and didn't show much emotion and warmth towards me. She is now more affactionate but just has these horrible controlling tenancies and also threatens to leave me during arguments - another controlling feature I guess.

 

I also always encourage her to go out and see her friends as well.

 

lol, when someone has in the past threatened to leave if I don't ___________, I show them the door and say you have 30 days to get out. That pretty much shuts them up. If she wants to go, then let her go.

[DN]

It would have helped had you mentioned in your first post about the baby.

 

How often is it that you want to spend time with colleagues and friends and how late do you stay out?

 

How often does she get out alone with her friends?

 

How often do the two of you go out together?

[sunshine1]

It would have helped had you mentioned in your first post about the baby.

 

How often is it that you want to spend time with colleagues and friends and how late do you stay out?

 

How often does she get out alone with her friends?

 

How often do the two of you go out together?

 

I agree DN, I'm also wondering these exact questions.

[misssmithviii]

Well I think it makes a bit of a difference if you have a baby together.

 

Do you expect to go out a lot with out her and leave her all alone to tend to the baby? That's a lot of work and so in that case I would understand her being upset.

 

You can still have a life of your own with a baby, obviously, but I wonder if you are spending TOO much time wanting to go out and that is upsetting her.

 

Agreed. I think after being given more information I'm beginning to wonder if you're (OP) aren't trying your best to be a little more understanding here. I have a 19mon. baby and I still have a great relationship with my man, we go out every night while my mom-in-law-to-be has the baby monitor and enjoys making sure my daughter's sleeping soundly.

 

It's difficult to leave the house with a baby that young, there's so much preparation and it's not as easy as you'd think. Try incorporating someone else to watch the baby sometimes and spend some quality time together. I think she's probably feeling very left out, and the more importance you put on wanting to be out of the house, the more unfair it feels for her. It's very understandable, really. She might not be going about it the best way, but I wouldn't say you are either.

 

There's that and compatibility... that about sums it up IMO.

[TonyM]

To Sunshine1. yep I hear you with the baby thing but I rarely ever go out at all.

I'm literally just talking about me popping up to a friends house for an hour or even having a friend and his wife over at the weekend for an hour or two - everything is out of the question though with her.

I work all day while she looks afte the baby but she also gets to meet up with friends during the day a few times a week. I never make her feel bad about this and actually say to her it's great she can do this. I work all day and so only have evenings or weekends to see people, but during the week she likes me to help sorting dinner etc as she says she's tired looking after the baby in the day, then at the weekend she says we should be doing things together rather than with my friends.

I could understand that if I saw my friends every weekend, but I'm only talking about seeing them once in a blue moon.

[hexaemeron]

Yeah, she's being completely unreasonable. You should just do your thing. You're not a prisoner.

[misssmithviii]

Kind of. Still didn't like me doing things, but she was also a lot colder and didn't show much emotion and warmth towards me. She is now more affactionate but just has these horrible controlling tenancies and also threatens to leave me during arguments - another controlling feature I guess.

 

I also always encourage her to go out and see her friends as well.

 

Emotions run rampant after giving birth, and especially when you have to stay home all the time, constantly wishing you could get out and spend time with your loved one but cannot do so as easily anymore.

 

She's changing her life and her daily routine and you're not. That in itself will cause a sad, outcast reaction from her - pair that with wild, awkward hormones and it's pretty bad.

 

Try imagining what it is like spending every waking minute at home with the baby, doing laundry, washing dishes, cleaning the house, watching t.v., getting barely enough sleep and your loved one is out having fun and not changing that much to the lifestyle of actually having a child.

My ex put me through that (the biological father of my daughter) and it didn't work out well at all. Thankfully, my man now is so understanding and he still romances me, I buy him dinners - everything's fine because we're on the same page.

 

Instead of immediately writing her off as controlling and crazy... perhaps take a look into what she's having to deal with on the daily. I guarantee if she feels like you understand her more than condemn her, things will get better even from that.

[hexaemeron]

Read back a bit. She goes out and he's not allowed to. She's being a wang.

[botticelli]

Have you tried bringing these points up with her? It does sound as if she is being rather unreasonable.

[TonyM]

It would have helped had you mentioned in your first post about the baby.

 

How often is it that you want to spend time with colleagues and friends and how late do you stay out?

 

How often does she get out alone with her friends?

 

How often do the two of you go out together?

 

All good and relevant questions.

 

To the first question - maybe once every 2 weeks for an hour or two.

 

She see her friends on average about 2 - 4 times during the day, but rarely without the baby. I always offer to babysit for her though so she can get out and see her friends without the baby.

 

Any time I'm not at work we spend together and we also go out together maybe once every 2 weeks at the moment.