Does shyness become 'creepy' the older you are?

[LightbulbSun]

I'm just wondering...

 

I'm painfully shy, and this has not only affected my dating life, it's also affected my ability to meet people and form friendships.

 

I met up with a group of people earlier today to study for a test, and I can't help but think I came off creepy. Yes, I know some of this is in my own head, since I've been diagnosed with social anxiety, and my therapist has told me that I have distorted thinking...but still, I can't help but feel that shyness comes off as creepy. Especially when you have uncomfortable body language, don't make eye contact, and feel like running away the whole time.

 

I know that I feel more comfortable and confident the more I get to know a person. The issue is, how to get over the road bump of first impressions, so people don't think I'm 'weird' or 'creepy', and want to get to know me.

 

Honestly, do first impressions matter that much, anyways? And does shyness become creepy if you're nearing 30 and still can't hold a conversation without feeling like running?

[Momake]

Honestly, do first impressions matter that much, anyways? And does shyness become creepy if you're nearing 30 and still can't hold a conversation without feeling like running?

 

First impressions matter. However, they matter less the longer you know a person. I would not say your shyness comes off as creepy - at its worst it might be considered awkward. However, most people 20+ have experience with shy people and consider it normal that people have varying degrees of introvert- and extrovertness.

[IntotheWild]

Yeah, it does. Shyness is rooted in fear. I think there's an unsaid expectation that older people will have already faced many of their fears and made a certain level of progress in life.

 

So the unpleasant answer is, yes, older shy dudes can come off creepy. Doesn't necessarily mean they always will, but the potential becomes higher as they get older.

[hexaemeron]

Not to discourage you, but yes. This does cause some people to wonder what your problem is.

[furiouspsych]

First, you're not old. I'm very quiet...I have friends and go on dates, but I'm different in that I talk LESS the longer I know somebody. I try to talk a lot initially, probably to make a good impression. Once I feel accepted, I revert back to being as quiet as can be. I don't know if creepy is the right word, most ppl have probably experienced being around a shy person. Just worry about you, not what others think. I'm not going to talk more just because ppl want me to...be true to you.

[bruinsy81]

Not to discourage you, but yes. This does cause some people to wonder what your problem is.

Who cares?No disrespect but it seems like the OP is putting far too much emphasis on other people's opnion's anyway..People who don't know you should not be people whose opinion that you should place any wieght on.

[generaldiscord]

Shyness presents itself as fear, and when people see someone scared, they assume somehow that they have something to hide. So, that seems creepy.

 

But, what the extent is debatable.

 

First off, you were 'vouched for' in a sense by the study group. You were participating in an activity that pretty much implies that you weren't up to no good. As an invited member, I'm sure nobody got the idea "Who is that guy, and why is he looking at me" because they knew who you were and they knew what you were doing.

 

Secondly, you never mention how it manifests itself. Sweaty palms? nervous laughter? stuttering? And I assume you've come up with ways of disguising it. what are those?

[givinggirl]

No, it's not creepy. Creepy is my neighbor who sees me, stops what he's doing and stares or lurks walking down the street in front of my house and stares until I look at him and then he will wave and keep staring, then call my name because he wants to have a conversation while I'm doing my yard work.

 

Shyness is not creepy no matter how old you are. People in this world know that people are shy. Most people don't understand why people are shy and don't understand how shyness feels, but they don't find it creepy. Some people are not comfortable with shyness because silence makes some people nervous. Don't worry about it, the people who are worth having in your life, will accept you for who you are, shyness and all.

[Organs]

I'll say two points: One, I think part of what makes you creepy (if you are; I can only judge so much from your post) is how much you worry about how people perceive you. I think if you can......well, I don't know the best word for it, so I'll say "assemble" yourself to your liking, then you can forget about yourself just as you've forgotten how to breathe and do so anyway. Or forgotten any special procedure for putting on your pants and you just do it before heading out the door.

 

Two, I think you're an introvert and you probably just need to fit into smaller groups. That's not a bad thing at all. An extrovert is someone who more or less gathers energy from big crowds and packed parties. Extroverts become stagnant and listless or....whatever.....when they're alone or in small groups. An introvert finds comfort and confidence in small groups because that's where s/he finds his/her energy. That doesn't mean you should avoid larger groups. Just don't expect so much of yourself when you're in a large group.

[Knight of Hope]

Something to keep in mind - there are lots of ways to be involved in a conversation. I'm not a very big talker, either, honestly. When I don't have anything meaningful to contribute, I keep my mouth shut so the group can stay on task. But I always make sure to look around the room, lean in toward the table slightly, etc. - I let people know I'm involved and interested in what they're saying with body language. People tend to want you to be involved more than they need you to speak. If you're not involved, then you might seem creepy. If you seem involved, people will know you're introverted, but they won't hold it against you. That's my experience anyway (at age 24).

[LightbulbSun]

I'm definitely an introvert. I feel 'drained' by large crowds. In fact, I went to go see Porcupine Tree a few weeks ago, and I felt overwhelmed by the crowd when the lights were on. I also felt uncomfortable, because I kept on bumping into people.

 

A common thing I do is apologize. Even if it's someone else's fault, I'll say, "Sorry..." My friend told me to stop saying sorry to her, but yet I couldn't stop doing it. It's so deeply ingrained into my personality.

 

Basically, I feel like there's a spotlight on me whenever I'm in a crowded place. If I was meeting a potential date, and it was just the two of us, I wouldn't feel as shy...I probably would become really outgoing. And I do have an outgoing side (friends I've known for years know this about me), yet I look downward and stumble over my words, and generally act uncomfortable, around new people.

 

Generaldiscord, it manifests itself in many ways. Sometimes my whole body will shake, like a tremor. Sometimes it's just my hands. I'll have trouble keeping my eyes up on the person who's talking to me, and if I do I feel like they're uncomfortable by me looking at them. I sweat, shake, and stumble over my words.

[sidehop]

A common thing I do is apologize. Even if it's someone else's fault, I'll say, "Sorry..." My friend told me to stop saying sorry to her, but yet I couldn't stop doing it. It's so deeply ingrained into my personality.

 

Were you always this way about apologizing? It sounds like you don't have a boundary for yourself; common with shy guys which brings me to the question, did you grow up close with your father?

[LightbulbSun]

Were you always this way about apologizing? It sounds like you don't have a boundary for yourself; common with shy guys which brings me to the question, did you grow up close with your father?

 

My father left before I was born, and the one time I saw him, he really hurt me (we went out to a restaurant, miniature golf, and went to go see a movie. I got really excited about having a father, but he didn't return any of my phone calls. I was 10.)

 

I was raised to be polite, but I think the apologizing is more than politeness, it's lack of self esteem. Which probably resulted from the bullying I got in high school, and the first years of college. No, I wasn't always this way, and I also wasn't afraid of asking out women before the bullying, so I think that seriously messed me up.

[galaxy71]

Who cares?No disrespect but it seems like the OP is putting far too much emphasis on other people's opnion's anyway..People who don't know you should not be people whose opinion that you should place any wieght on.

 

I don't know. In the United States, friendly guys are treated a lot differently than shy guys. Friendly, outgoing guys get dates and relationships on a regular basis. They get offered promotions. They are respected for being assertive and confident. Shy guys are slandered as creepy. They get bullied. They get manipulated and run over. They get thrown in the friendzone. Shyness gets you nothing when your society values directness and agressiveness. I have no doubt that people will treat the OP differently when he starts to become more outgoing.

[sidehop]

My father left before I was born, and the one time I saw him, he really hurt me (we went out to a restaurant, miniature golf, and went to go see a movie. I got really excited about having a father, but he didn't return any of my phone calls. I was 10.)

 

I was raised to be polite, but I think the apologizing is more than politeness, it's lack of self esteem. Which probably resulted from the bullying I got in high school, and the first years of college. No, I wasn't always this way, and I also wasn't afraid of asking out women before the bullying, so I think that seriously messed me up.

 

In a sense you grew up like me, my real dad was out of the picture before I turned two. It has a significant impact on the way boys grow up when the father figure isn't around. It's very common also for men who grew up without a father to often end up as nice guys. No boundaries were ever made and boys tend to put females on a pedestal as they get older.

 

If you haven't I highly recommend this book:

 

link removed

 

You'll realize also it's not about if you're a nice guy, it'll go in depth (but easy to understand) as to why you're feeling or acting the way you do.

[LightbulbSun]

In a sense you grew up like me, my real dad was out of the picture before I turned two. It has a significant impact on the way boys grow up when the father figure isn't around. It's very common also for men who grew up without a father to often end up as nice guys. No boundaries were ever made and boys tend to put females on a pedestal as they get older.

 

If you haven't I highly recommend this book:

 

link removed

 

You'll realize also it's not about if you're a nice guy, it'll go in depth (but easy to understand) as to why you're feeling or acting the way you do.

 

I downloaded that book as a pdf and have it on my computer, but only read the first few pages so far. I'll delve into it more today; a lot of it did sound like me.

[Organs]

It sounds like you have to work through your issues before you can be sociable and contributing to society as you'd like. That's not to say you have to go on a sabbatical before you allow yourself contact with other human beings, but if you can realize you're a valid human being with a spine, then you'll be able to handle the outside world a bit better. If you were near me, I'd suggest going out for a drink at least once a week to talk about it in person.

 

As far as the apologizing thing goes, it might not be a bad idea to ignore strangers instead of apologizing to them ( as an example). Certainly, it's important to realize that you should only apologize if you really screw someone over through negligence or failure, and that you haven't done anything wrong if you don't apologize over every little thing. I still have that problem and I took it upon myself to practice saying "Excuse me" instead. Or maybe that book the other forumite mentioned will help. However you address this issue, it'll be good to be proactive and improve yourself in this little area. What's more, if you improve in the little ways, it'll improve your overall character.

 

By the way, how was the Porcupine Tree show? I saw them a couple weeks ago in Chicago and they announced that they were recording that show to put on video! I feel spoiled; two P. Tree DVDs recorded in Chicago!

[LightbulbSun]

I agree with the apologizing thing. My therapist has said to me (when I brought it up): "Give it 10 seconds. If, at the end of the 10 seconds, you still feel you need to say sorry, say it. Most likely you will feel by that time that you don't need to." And he is right, of course; the problem is trying to get past the automatic response of 'sorry.'

 

And I agree about the getting past my problems before I start dating. That's why I've put dating on the backburner (for now), because I have more pressing matters, like making friends, to do.

 

Porcupine Tree were awesome! I guess you saw them the day before I saw them. They were even better than when I saw them on the Deadwing tour, and that was mindblowing, so you can imagine how good they were this time.

 

And yeah, I post to an unofficial Porcupine Tree forum (won't reveal my username or link, though), and so I knew about the live DVD being recorded (speaking of which, have you bought the Anesthetize DVD yet? Mine just shipped yesterday, so I'll be getting it in the mail any day now. )

[SnowFox]

One good technique to use when you're feeling self-conscious/shy around someone is to shift the focus back to them and stop thinking about yourself. Most people love to get a chance to talk about themselves, so its really easy to just ask them some questions and you'll start feeling less focused on yourself

 

Also, asking someone about themselves usually makes the person feel good, and they will associate those positive feelings with you- so you will make a good impression on them, which will most likely make them act friendlier to you in the future, which leads to you not feeling as nervous around them, etc. Its like a positive feedback loop that you can create.

[Shallow]

By the way, how was the Porcupine Tree show? I saw them a couple weeks ago in Chicago and they announced that they were recording that show to put on video! I feel spoiled; two P. Tree DVDs recorded in Chicago!

 

You too, eh? Was an awesome show for sure, and nary a string was broken this time.

 

have you bought the Anesthetize DVD yet? Mine just shipped yesterday, so I'll be getting it in the mail any day now.

 

I'm waiting for the Blu-Ray, which I think is out in the UK, but comes out the 15th of next month here.

 

But, back on topic before we get the cane.

 

That's why I've put dating on the backburner (for now), because I have more pressing matters, like making friends, to do.

 

It's a natural progression, so you're on the right track.

[meteorstrike]

i have never been creeped out by a shy person.

[LightbulbSun]

Well, I think my perceptions are distorted, because I just went out to the store, and had a ton of positive experiences. Even started a conversation with a customer, and talked to a girl about a cord for my turntable that I just bought...and none of the people I talked to were creeped out by me.

 

I think it's just that people don't understand shyness, so sometimes it comes accross as a little strange, but not creepy. Unless it's combined with drooling, weird stares, and acting perverted...but I don't do that.

[Organs]

A lot of it is mental. It's a really hard concept to grasp because, even if we understand something intellectually, we don't necessarily understand it psychologically. We can know inside and out that it's your attitude more than anything that determines if girls will like you, but unless you somehow boost your self esteem and girls gravitate towards you, you're not really going to believe it.

 

This is why I think it's pointless to read a self help book written by a guy who's not very tall and yet got Britney Spears' phone number. He might have very good points, but it'll be generic re-hashed advice found in a myriad of other self help books and none of it will be digestible in that format. It's just how we are as human beings.

[rkye]

I get this feeling a lot too. From reading this thread, i can relate to almost everything you wrote. Maybe i am even worse in some areas Anyway, the most frustrating feeling is, when inside me, i dont feel like a "nice guy", i have rebellious thoughts and i am certainly not "afraid"... but thats only my thoughts, in reality, i am very nice to people, i hardly say what i really think, couse i dont wanna hurt other person's feelings or making myself look awkward (i am not good at talking to strangers). It is like my mind is in conflict within itself or something (now i prolly made it sound like iam some psycho

Like with this book, my "inner me" saying "you dont need some book to tell you whats wrong with you", while the truth is, i might use some advices. Same goes for therapists and alike.

 

Oh, and feeling like being creepy - yep, of course its mostly in my head only. I am still working on that..

[kevin715]

For some reason, it seems like my shyness might come off as standoffish or hostile rather than creepy or whatever, mostly because I'm almost never seen smiling. And like people here have said, I'm sometimes self-conscious about how people see me. So I definitely sympathize with the topic creator.