Is it ever ok to keep contact with an ex?

[Boughs]

I'm in a relationship, my other half still talks to her ex, (even met him for coffee the other day) and I freaked. He was her first everything. I think it's a bit fishy.

 

Anywho she sees nothing wrong with it, but I think having an ex in your life at all is bad news (well if you have kids together it's another story). I always give the, "if my mom or dad contacted an ex, it'd be very weird"... To which she doesn't really give a response.... Which leads me to believe she would find it strange too but that she has a unique situation so that example doesn't apply.

 

Thoughts?

[SocialStigma]

I am still in contact with one of my exes, he's actually one of my best friends. But we have known each other since we were 8 and have been best friends since we were 12 (19 now). We dated back when we were 14 but since we have a long history of being friends, it was too hard to just cut each other out of our lives. My boyfriend didn't like it at first and actually used to have nightmares about me leaving him for my ex..it also didn't help that my ex tried to get me back in the first couple months of my relationship. Even now, my boyfriend still says that my ex is the one guy he wouldn't trust to be alone in a room with me.

 

So I would be a hypocrite if I said it wasn't okay to keep in touch with an ex, but as long as boundaries are laid down and there's no sneaking around then I think it's alright, especially if they have a long history together.

[CordelliaG]

OK if they just broke up and yours is a new relationship, it might be quite weird. But if it's from a long time ago then it's no big deal.

 

I am still close friends with my ex from college, and his SO is cool with it, she even wants to meet me! I even stay at his house when I visit his town and it's no big deal, nothing is there except a close friendship, we are almost like family. His SO is really secure and I admire her for that, for I am not.

 

I also ended up back in contact with my first love after nearly a decade. He ran into my bff and we ended up meeting. I actually ended up communiting with his current wife and meeting her first and now I am in contact mostly through her, but we all hang out together. She and I are actually closer friends now than he and I are!

 

So no it's not weird. Relationships are friendships, too. But I can understand how it might make you uncomfortable. Just trust her and be happy she is telling you instead of doing it behind your back.

[shes2smart]

I'm friends with one ex - my ex-college bf. We dated for 2 years, lived together for 5. Didn't have any contact with each other for a year, then ran into each other at the grocery store and started talking again.

 

We broke up in 1991. So, we've now been friends about 2.5x longer than we were a couple.

 

He met every serious bf I had after him. The only one he liked, oddly enough, was the guy I ended up marrying. They got along so well, that the 2 of them would go hang out without me when we were all living in the same city. When he got married, he and his wife and me & my husband used to go out to dinner and stuff every few months. He is still my unpaid, non-professional shrink. I harbor no 'what might've been' feelings for him and have zero desire to be in a romantic relationship with him again...and I'm reasonably sure he'd say the same about me.

 

So, it's possible to have that kind of relationship with an ex. Whether your SO's relationship with her ex is like that or not isn't something anyone here can tell you. But I think you need to know that it IS possible and take a look at what the suspicions you have are based on.

[RedDress]

Can I put a different spin on it?

 

It doesn't matter. I don't really believe that exes can be friends without 'other' motives, either. The thing is, though... you can't tell her who she can and cannot hang out with. That is the very definition of controlling behaviour. Do you want to be the controlling boyfriend??

 

You have a choice. Either you trust her or you don't. If you trust her, it's not really an issue WHO she hangs out with or what she does because you trust her, right? If you don't trust her... well... I would question why you are in a relationship with her.

 

So now it's up to you. Do you like her enough and does she show enough moral fibre to be fully trusted? Or are you going to walk? Because that is what it boils down to. The rest is moot.

[BriarRose]

I'm in a relationship, my other half still talks to her ex, (even met him for coffee the other day) and I freaked. He was her first everything. I think it's a bit fishy.

 

Anywho she sees nothing wrong with it, but I think having an ex in your life at all is bad news (well if you have kids together it's another story). I always give the, "if my mom or dad contacted an ex, it'd be very weird"... To which she doesn't really give a response.... Which leads me to believe she would find it strange too but that she has a unique situation so that example doesn't apply.

 

Thoughts?

I agree with you 100%. She is not only in contact with him, she met him for coffee. IMO, that crosses the line. I find that behavior blatantly disrespectful to you and to the relationship.

 

I am old school. When you are in a committed relationship, you don't meet ex's for coffee. If they have a child together, that is different, however.

[Jetta]

Okay I'm in contact with my ex husband whom I share a child with however we do NOT meet up for coffee together, we do attend events of our daughters but his wife is with and I often bring my mother along. We are friendly but we are NOT friends and truthfully I don't see any reason to be friends with an ex sexual relationship. Bad news IMO.

[arcadefire]

I think it's more trouble than it's worth to keep in contact with an ex. What good can come from it? The only reason I can see it being okay is for switching off children or custody. Otherwise, unnecessary drama can be kept away by just not talking with an ex.

[velvette]

if I broke off with my current one right now (who's my "first everything", as you say), I can't imagine just cutting all contact immediately. ideally I'd want him in my life, for life--even if we never date again, because he knows so much about me, what makes me tick etc, and we really are best friends.

 

however I do see it as being unfair to my next bf, but like RedDress said, it's only down to how much you trust her and are willing to put up with. I would need time to really get over him, if ever... and like smokers, I can't quit cold-turkey. I'll need my patches, my coffee-breaks.... as long as I'm not thinking about getting back with him, or sleeping with him, I don't see why a new bf should stop me.

 

while it isn't the best scenario, I do think it's fine to keep in contact with ex's who you've had a good relationship with, and only broke off due to incompatibilities. if your ex was a good person, great friend, why wouldn't you keep in touch?

[geekgirl4]

I think it all depends on how the relationship with the ex ended and the manner and frequency of the meetings. If it ended badly and there was lots of unresolved issues, then its treading dangerous territory. If the split was mutual and they had been good friends before, then I don't see the big deal. If they are meeting for dinner together at night and then drinking at his/her place, that raises eyebrows.

 

I think it's controlling to tell your SO to stop meeting their ex after a coffee. Watch how they interact for awhile and then make some opinions. But honestly, there's no black and white with this. It depends.

[Iceman26]

I think some people can be friends without any issues, and there are some people who can't.

 

I myself was never interested in dealing with that type of headache.