BrokenBones Posted May 15, 2010 Share Posted May 15, 2010 This is a touchy subject for me as I've never shared any of this with anyone, but I'll start by saying that since childhood I've had an unusual draw to pain. Not necessarily physical pain, though. I did things like messing with my aunt's cat because I loved how it would try to get away from me and I would scare it. I never hurt it, but I loved the way it just hated me. I would grab its tail and make it run around trying to get away. I pushed my aunt into a river once because I thought it was funny. I did a lot of mean things for my own amusement. Now, grown up a bit since then, I'm feeling this terrible hang-up. I'm not the same now, but the thoughts and memories and bits of it remain. I still like playing mean jokes every now and then, or putting people down as my way of humor. I am fascinated by gore in movies, I almost like it. At the same time, I know I'd never hurt anyone and I know it's just plain wrong to like these things. I feel terribly depressed thinking about it. It's trickled down into other aspects of my life. I feel like any relationship I have will thrive on lies because I'll always have to hide this. I am diagnosed with OCD and have a lot of intrusive violent thoughts. I just feel so evil sometimes, it's eating away at me. I'm also very drawn to people who are hurt. Whether someone is outwardly depressed, or has lost an arm or a leg, or anything that indicates they're someone who's hurting, I'll like that person over any other 'normal' person almost all the time. Do I just love pain that much? Let's see what the all-knowing Wikipedia (that was meant to be humor) has to say on the matter: 1. has used physical cruelty or violence for the purpose of establishing dominance in a relationship (not merely to achieve some noninterpersonal goal, such as striking someone in order to rob him/her). 2. Humiliates or demeans people in the presence of others. 3. has treated or disciplined someone under his/her control unusually harshly. 4. is amused by, or takes pleasure in, the psychological or physical suffering of others (including animals). 5. has lied for the purpose of harming or inflicting pain on others (not merely to achieve some other goal). 6. gets other people to do what he/she wants by frightening them (through intimidation or even terror). 7. restricts the autonomy of people with whom he or she has a close relationship, e.g., will not let spouse leave the house unaccompanied or permit teenage daughter to attend social functions. 8. is fascinated by violence, weapons, injury, or torture. Several of the above are all true, save for the ones having to do with control. I'm not a very controlling person, I feel very weak in regards of control, actually. And it's worth mentioning it's not a sexual thing at all. I get no sexual pleasure from these things. So, I really have to wonder, what would someone who read all that think? Am I a sadist? Am I something else? Please don't be judgmental. Link to comment
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