Am I A Sadist?

[BrokenBones]

This is a touchy subject for me as I've never shared any of this with anyone, but I'll start by saying that since childhood I've had an unusual draw to pain. Not necessarily physical pain, though. I did things like messing with my aunt's cat because I loved how it would try to get away from me and I would scare it. I never hurt it, but I loved the way it just hated me. I would grab its tail and make it run around trying to get away. I pushed my aunt into a river once because I thought it was funny. I did a lot of mean things for my own amusement. Now, grown up a bit since then, I'm feeling this terrible hang-up. I'm not the same now, but the thoughts and memories and bits of it remain. I still like playing mean jokes every now and then, or putting people down as my way of humor. I am fascinated by gore in movies, I almost like it. At the same time, I know I'd never hurt anyone and I know it's just plain wrong to like these things. I feel terribly depressed thinking about it. It's trickled down into other aspects of my life. I feel like any relationship I have will thrive on lies because I'll always have to hide this. I am diagnosed with OCD and have a lot of intrusive violent thoughts. I just feel so evil sometimes, it's eating away at me. I'm also very drawn to people who are hurt. Whether someone is outwardly depressed, or has lost an arm or a leg, or anything that indicates they're someone who's hurting, I'll like that person over any other 'normal' person almost all the time. Do I just love pain that much? Let's see what the all-knowing Wikipedia (that was meant to be humor) has to say on the matter:

 

1. has used physical cruelty or violence for the purpose of establishing dominance in a relationship (not merely to achieve some noninterpersonal goal, such as striking someone in order to rob him/her).

2. Humiliates or demeans people in the presence of others.

3. has treated or disciplined someone under his/her control unusually harshly.

4. is amused by, or takes pleasure in, the psychological or physical suffering of others (including animals).

5. has lied for the purpose of harming or inflicting pain on others (not merely to achieve some other goal).

6. gets other people to do what he/she wants by frightening them (through intimidation or even terror).

7. restricts the autonomy of people with whom he or she has a close relationship, e.g., will not let spouse leave the house unaccompanied or permit teenage daughter to attend social functions.

8. is fascinated by violence, weapons, injury, or torture.

 

Several of the above are all true, save for the ones having to do with control. I'm not a very controlling person, I feel very weak in regards of control, actually. And it's worth mentioning it's not a sexual thing at all. I get no sexual pleasure from these things. So, I really have to wonder, what would someone who read all that think? Am I a sadist? Am I something else? Please don't be judgmental.

[Capricorn3]

Maybe not sadist but other things do come to mind and I can only suggest you see a Psychologist/Psychiatrist to find out where it all stems from and what the underlying issues are.

[BrokenBones]

Maybe not sadist but other things do come to mind and I can only suggest you see a Psychologist/Psychiatrist to find out where it all stems from and what the underlying issues are.

 

Could you tell me what those other things are?

[Sparkly Eyes]

You have to give me more examples of things you did. Judging by the stuff you said, no, you are not a sadist! In fact, I know many many guys and girls who have been like that in their childhood, me included. I never did hurt animals, but I liked to hurt people I didn't like and who hurt me, physically or mentally.

 

A few questions.

 

How was your family situation? Did you have lots of physical or verbal fights at home, with your siblings or your parents?

 

When you say you have violent thoughts, what do you exactly mean? Can you give us some examples?

[BrokenBones]

You have to give me more examples of things you did. Judging by the stuff you said, no, you are not a sadist! In fact, I know many many guys and girls who have been like that in their childhood, me included. I never did hurt animals, but I liked to hurt people I didn't like and who hurt me, physically or mentally.

 

A few questions.

 

How was your family situation? Did you have lots of physical or verbal fights at home, with your siblings or your parents?

 

When you say you have violent thoughts, what do you exactly mean? Can you give us some examples?

 

My parents were alright, but they started fighting verbally a lot sometime after that. My father has since been pretty verbally abusive towards me, too. I was a very sensitive child. I got hurt easily, cried easily, etc.

 

When I talk about violent thoughts, I need to make sure you understand they're intrusive. They're thoughts that arise without the conscious intention of being carried out. They're kind of simple: Someone is irritating me, the thought of hitting them or imagining the tree next to them falling on them comes up. And then it just loops again and again in my head. This is related to my severe OCD and isn't the only kind of intrusive thought I have.

[LightbulbSun]

I went through a period in my life where I didn't exactly torture this cat, but he was scared of people (had anxiety disorder), and I would do things like pretend to stab myself with a knife in front of him, pretend to strangle myself to death, etc. I was like 13 (I was going through a weird phase in my life.)

 

We still have that cat, and I feel so bad for what I put him through. I grew out of that phase, and the cat has sort of forgiven me (he's settled down over the recent years, and is more affectionate and approaches me for petting), but I still feel bad thinking that I scared that cat so badly.

 

Your case, however, sounds more extreme than that. I never tortured any animals physically, or pushed anyone down into a river, etc. I'd highly suggest going to see a therapist.

[BrokenBones]

I went through a period in my life where I didn't exactly torture this cat, but he was scared of people (had anxiety disorder), and I would do things like pretend to stab myself with a knife in front of him, pretend to strangle myself to death, etc. I was like 13 (I was going through a weird phase in my life.)

 

We still have that cat, and I feel so bad for what I put him through. I grew out of that phase, and the cat has sort of forgiven me (he's settled down over the recent years, and is more affectionate and approaches me for petting), but I still feel bad thinking that I scared that cat so badly.

 

Your case, however, sounds more extreme than that. I never tortured any animals physically, or pushed anyone down into a river, etc. I'd highly suggest going to see a therapist.

 

To be honest, I don't see how that's that much different. We both liked inflicting emotional pain to some degree on the animal. I find it interesting though that the same aunt who had the cat also had two dogs. I loved the dogs, though, I never did anything mean to them. I once fell down the stairs carrying the dog, and we both hit the ground, and I was just worried about the dog being okay.

[Sparkly Eyes]

My parents were alright, but they started fighting verbally a lot sometime after that. My father has since been pretty verbally abusive towards me, too. I was a very sensitive child. I got hurt easily, cried easily, etc.

 

When I talk about violent thoughts, I need to make sure you understand they're intrusive. They're thoughts that arise without the conscious intention of being carried out. They're kind of simple: Someone is irritating me, the thought of hitting them or imagining the tree next to them falling on them comes up. And then it just loops again and again in my head. This is related to my severe OCD and isn't the only kind of intrusive thought I have.

 

So you only have them towards people that hurt you? or can they be also toward random people?

[BrokenBones]

So you only have them towards people that hurt you? or can they be also toward random people?

 

Random people who hurt me, I guess? Like I said, if someone's irritating me, or being bothersome, or doing something I don't like, I can have them. It doesn't really matter who it is. But if I just see a random guy walking down the opposite side of the street, no, I won't have a thought. Repeat offenders are also more prone. If it's someone who's continually hurt me, yes, I can have thoughts brought up just at the sight of them.

 

I thought of something else worth mentioning. Sometimes, when someone's crying, I have a tendency to laugh. It's uncontrollable. I know I should feel bad, but I just laugh. Other times, someone else crying will make me cry. I don't know why I have such vastly different responses to these things. It can apply to almost any painful situation.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Random people who hurt me, I guess? Like I said, if someone's irritating me, or being bothersome, or doing something I don't like, I can have them. It doesn't really matter who it is. But if I just see a random guy walking down the opposite side of the street, no, I won't have a thought.

 

If you wanted to hurt people, regardless of how they behave or treat you, then it would be much bigger of an issue in my opinion. So no, I don't think you are a sadist. Definitely go to a therapist tho, they probably can help you much more than us.

 

I was a little like you when I was younger, I can't tell you how many times I thought about stabbing my sister in the heart! Of course I didn't do it, but she would drive me crazy and I couldn't help the thoughts. Now years after I moved out of home, I'm not into any kind of violence, never have such thoughts and find them disturbing. I think it's because generally I'm in a more peaceful situation and I barely get angry, even in the situations that normal people can't handle.

[Hermes]

Same advice here.

 

I can only suggest you see a Psychologist/Psychiatrist to find out where it all stems from and what the underlying issues are.

__________________

 

 

H

[Firiel]

Maybe not sadist but other things do come to mind and I can only suggest you see a Psychologist/Psychiatrist to find out where it all stems from and what the underlying issues are.

 

I also agree. Especially considering the complex issue of your having intrusive thoughts from OCD, none of us are qualified to really tell you what's going on.

 

Honestly, OCD could be a large part of why you are worried about being a sadist. None of the things you mentioned seem particularly "sadistic" for a young boy. If your aunt was terrified of water and couldn't swim, shoving her into a river might have been a sadistic act, but I know of plenty of people who have shoved someone into a body of water for humor's sake. It's not really nice, but it's also far from sadistic. So yeah, I'd suggest going to a psychologist and talking to her about these issues and fears. A psychologist could shed far more light on the subject than we can.

[ResonanceTheory]

I would not say you were a sadist or sociopathic or psychopathic.

 

Not being a doctor or a student of psychology (so, of course, take what I say with a big ol' grain of salt), it seems to me like you are just a little bit immature and / or hold grudges against people who you perceive as having wronged you, and you don't know how to solve/resolve them or let them go. This, coupled with your OCD causes you to replay these fantasies over in your head, to "obsess" over them. And likely your drive to have yourself labeled as a sadist rises from that, too.

 

I see nothing of a real sadist in pulling a cat's tail or pushing your aunt into the water--I just see a bratty kid (as most kids are) who grew up but still longs for the days when it was okay for him to do mean or careless things because he wasn't supposed to know better. But now you ARE expected to know better, you are required to be a responsible adult, and that can feel confining/upsetting.

 

You should probably talk to your psych...I'm sure a professional opinion would put your mind at ease.

[quirky]

I am no expert of course but I think you carry a lot of pain inside and don't know how to deal with it. Being drawn to other people in pain is a love/hate thing. You either wanna hurt them because they remind you of you or you wanna love them as a way of healing yourself. Maybe you didn't wanna hurt the dog because it's more loving and loyal than the cat..? The laughing if someone is crying has a similar root. You react in a strange way because you don't know how to deal with your own pain. The best support is to empathise and try and calm the other person down, not absorb or dismiss their feelings by laughing at or crying with them.

Regarding the OCD, "what we resist persists". You hate your thoughts that's why they keep coming back. You can try and find a way of accepting these thoughts, let them in for 2 min, breathe and then out.

[BrokenBones]

All very sound advice. Thank you guys.

[jazzykat]

Wow! I just came out of a short, yet intense friendship with someone so eerily similar to you in all the ways you have posted so far. (I read your other thread as well) I suspected that my 'friend' enjoyed hurting people in a similar way as the OP, but yet at the same time, could also be so sweet and caring. I guess it helps me to read this, to gain a bit more of an understanding into the behavior ~ which left me hurt and confused on a few occasions. I'm really glad you are reaching out for advice, that takes a lot of insight and courage, and I hope that you do find the right kind of counseling.

[thischiciswack]

If you are a sadist, I dont think theres anything wrong with it. I know how weird it is, looking back at your memories and seeing how much you liked pain during your childhood, without even knowing there was a term for it.

(Confession time: A few of my closer friends and I found it pleasureful to tie up and gag our barbies. I also found the drowning scene in the Disney movie Aladdin very...sexy.)

But, as long as you dont go around hurting people, there shouldnt be anything wrong with it. What is wrong is physically hurting people who find no pleasure from it. And I know you did it when you were a kid, but at the time you didn't know any better. I know it seems horrifying at times that you receive pleasure from other's pain, but theres no way to stop your feelings. And if you can't stop it, then don't waist your time feeling terrible inside about it.

Again, if you don't harm others, you aren't doing anything bad.