she's starting to get really pushy.

[KG]

As we've started to grow closer, I'm seeing a side to her that I don't like. She has been insinuating herself into how I raise my son, despite my objections. I've told her it's a "hands off" policy...with her kids and me, my son and her. Despite this, I get " well I would...."

 

Tonight I was going through something personal and difficult, and I wanted to be introspective, to figure it out on my own. Instead, I got a litany of advice from what books I should read, to whom I should call, to advice about going to church to talk to a higher power.

 

I know deep down she means well, but she has a Mothering complex, as if I can't figure this stuff on my own. If I say I;m going out to mow..."wear a hat, down get sunburnt." If I'm working on the farm equipment..."wear leather gloves so you don't cut your hands."

 

It's as if I'm her child, not a 53 year old, who's lived on his own for twenty some odd years.

 

How do I ask nicely that she temper this?

[DaBladeRoden]

You could reply "yes mom"

[KG]

You could reply "yes mom"

 

Tried that...sarcasm didn't go over well.

[pumpkinmoon]

If everything else is going well in the relationship and this is the only problem you have with her, maybe you could do your best to bite your tongue and maybe try to overlook it?

[livinginsbi]

KG.. be straight forward... tell her you appreciate and understand, but you really don't need a mom.. you need a partner. Sometimes we do things with all good intentions and think we are showing love and caring... but it comes off differently. Be gentle about it, but tell her how it makes you feel...

[hers]

ah, the honeymoon stage is ending, isn't it? i remember you two got together right around the time my boyfriend and i did! ours is ending too...

 

express to her that sometimes you need her to just listen and not talk. it's hard for some people to do though...i'm a talker, not a listener, really. but explain to her how important it is that you have your own way to parent your son and to take care of yourself and taht you appreciate that she pay more attention to teh way she talks to you before she says anything...let her know you don't want to get resentful or frustrated with her about it. be stern on how big of a deal this is to you.

[KG]

KG.. be straight forward... tell her you appreciate and understand, but you really don't need a mom.. you need a partner. Sometimes we do things with all good intentions and think we are showing love and caring... but it comes off differently. Be gentle about it, but tell her how it makes you feel...

 

I have, gently, on many occassions. That this is how I do things. That this is what works for us. But she "mothers" everyone, I'm finding out. Despite what I say or ask, it keeps happening. " Let him do this, let him eat that". No! This is how I've run our lives so far, and it's worked out well. For both of us.

 

But I can't make her grasp the concept.

[alli]

I was going to suggest basically what hers said.

 

Sometimes I have situations that I feel like complaining about. Maybe a confrontation with a person or just a bad day & I tell my bf about it. He makes suggestions on what to do, but really, I don't want advice on what to do, I just want him to listen to me & agree that "yeah, that person was really out of line in what they said to you".

 

Maybe you can tell her that. That sometimes, it isn't advice you want. Just someone to listen & agree (on the parts they agree with).

 

To some degree, this is probably just a part of who she is. She can't suppress every thought & opinion she has. It wouldn't be fair to her if there was some situation that really affects her life & she doesn't have a right to give her opinion or even make a suggestion. On the other, it needs to be in moderation. Think of the big picture & try not to fixate so much on the little things. After all, if she says "oh just let him eat it", is it really going to make a big impact on anyone's life if he has that one little piece of candy, or stays up an extra 15 minutes later one night? Parenting is one thing. That's what I really liked about my stepdad is he did not overstep his role at ALL. But whatever concerns he had, he would tell my mom, who would then tell me. I guess at the time THAT was annoying too. When I first was learning to drive, he thought I was driving too close to the median, but instead of telling me, he told my mom who told me. I was like "Well why didn't he say anything the whole time?" I think he was just trying to stay in his roll. Even though he didn't parent me directly, I'm sure his opinions ultimately resulted in changes in how I was raised. It was his house & his life, too.

[doyathink]

Well, you do have the option of being single again. Or....you can learn how to compromise. You learned to do that with your wife....we have to 're-learn' that with every partner.

Have you ever considered that maybe she has a good point sometimes....even if it isnt the way 'you've' ran 'your' lives up to now? And on that point.....I dont know if you really meant it that way...but it comes accross as very domineering.

[sophie274]

I have, gently, on many occassions. That this is how I do things. That this is what works for us. But she "mothers" everyone, I'm finding out. Despite what I say or ask, it keeps happening. " Let him do this, let him eat that". No! This is how I've run our lives so far, and it's worked out well. For both of us.

 

But I can't make her grasp the concept.

 

For some people, their way of expressing love and concern or of empathizing when you have problems (and I really think that most of this is coming from a good place, although some people who do this do have a need for control) is to just offer TONS of advice, whether wanted or not. My mother does this to me and it drives me crazy.

 

I'm not too sure how you can deal with it. I try to do a few things, although I often lose my temper:

- if you're venting about a problem, make it very clear beforehand that all you want is a listening ear, not advice. "I just want to vent" - "I'm really looking for support, not advice. I'd love your listening ear, but I want to figure this out on my own."

- make it clear that her "advice" grates you: "This feels like a criticism - makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong" "I know you're trying to be helpful but I'd really just like support, not advice" "When you give me all these suggestions I feel really put upon and criticized"

- ignore the little ones like "wear a hat don't get sunburnt" - yeah it's annoying but it's truly a way of showing affection, IMO. I'm sure she realizes you can manage the sun on your own! (Oh also, learn something from the dophins. If something relatively "small" like this annoys you, just take a deep breath and don't react. She's more likely to stop doing it if she never gets a response than if you two bicker about it on a regular basis, as silly as that sounds. Not implying partners are to be trained like animals, but this does work.)

 

How did the kitchen thing turn out, by the way?

[livinginsbi]

guess you have to ask yourself if it's a deal breaker. A step parent or one that is close to that role is very difficult. Experts say that after the child is 7, the non step parent needs to be the one to be the 'boss' but that doesn't mean she can't give an opinion.. and I hope her comments are in private, not with your son present. On her side of it.. she's been where you are, child rearing wise and can bring a different flavor to the party.

 

Wish there was an easy solution... but as other's have said.. the honeymoon is over and it's time for the relationship to take on a new shape.. if that's what you want

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, you do have the option of being single again. Or....you can learn how to compromise. You learned to do that with your wife....we have to 're-learn' that with every partner.

Have you ever considered that maybe she has a good point sometimes....even if it isnt the way 'you've' ran 'your' lives up to now? And on that point.....I dont know if you really meant it that way...but it comes accross as very domineering.

 

Perhaps she might have a good point sometimes...but mothering people is often not really about having someone's best interests at heart...it is a control issue...not being able to allow the other person to conduct their life as they see fit because every action of the person is questioned and given an alternative recommendation. Perhaps her thoughts and suggestions when KG wanted to sort it out on his own could have been interpreted as well-meaning if she was the type of person who didn't constantly say how things should be done in every single situation from wearing a hat, putting on the gloves etc.

[KG]

Well, you do have the option of being single again. Or....you can learn how to compromise. You learned to do that with your wife....we have to 're-learn' that with every partner.

Have you ever considered that maybe she has a good point sometimes....even if it isnt the way 'you've' ran 'your' lives up to now? And on that point.....I dont know if you really meant it that way...but it comes accross as very domineering.

 

I am very good at compromising. But this is unsolicited advice, bordering on knowing more about raising my son, running my house than I know.

 

I am not "domineering", but I go with what has worked in the past, and I'm staying with it. Her experiences are hers, and I respect those, but, I dislike anyone who who insinuates that I'm not doing the proper job, who has only known me for less than a year. Be it a friend, lover, whatever.

And DYT, have I ever come accross as anything but understanding and compassionate?

[alli]

I am very good at compromising. But this is unsolicited advice, bordering on knowing more about raising my son, running my house than I know.

 

Did you tell her this in these words? That what she says & the way she says it makes you feel like she is insinuating that she knows more about your son & your house than you do, and you find it insulting?

 

You probably have, but you never know. Something that seems very omnipresent, obvious & "big deal" to you just doesn't seem like a big thing to her either, until you tell her in very clear words & how it makes you doubt the success of the relationship.

[livinginsbi]

I am very good at compromising. But this is unsolicited advice, bordering on knowing more about raising my son, running my house than I know.

 

I am not "domineering", but I go with what has worked in the past, and I'm staying with it. Her experiences are hers, and I respect those, but, I dislike anyone who who insinuates that I'm not doing the proper job, who has only known me for less than a year. Be it a friend, lover, whatever.

And DYT, have I ever come accross as anything but understanding and compassionate?

 

Is she insinuating you're not doing a proper job? I guess I just think back to my raising kids days.. and I realized that my daughter was the 'practice' child.. that things I expected from her and the way I handled things with her were probably not always the best way.... but I didn't have someone else telling me that.. I figured that out whilst raising her brothers. SO many times she would say.. well, when I was their age.. blah, blah, blah.. and I would apologize to her that she was the practice kid....

 

I know you believe that what you are doing is the best for your kid.. why on earth would you not.. but again.. she could offer some good experiences that you could benefit from... I don't know.. it's a toughie!

[KG]

Did you tell her this in these words? That what she says & the way she says it makes you feel like she is insinuating that she knows more about your son & your house than you do, and you find it insulting?

 

You probably have, but you never know. Something that seems very omnipresent, obvious & "big deal" to you just doesn't seem like a big thing to her either, until you tell her in very clear words & how it makes you doubt the success of the relationship.

 

Yes, gently, over and over. But it falls on deaf ears.

 

Sophie....very good advice. I willmake sure I do that!

[alli]

guess you have to ask yourself if it's a deal breaker. A step parent or one that is close to that role is very difficult. Experts say that after the child is 7, the non step parent needs to be the one to be the 'boss' but that doesn't mean she can't give an opinion

 

I'd have to agree with that. I was 6 when I first met my stepmom & 7 when they married, & she has definitely had more of a "parent" role than my stepdad, who I met when I was 13. I felt kind of bad not to accept him as a parent as I did my stepmom. Didn't seem fair, but I couldn't put my finger on why exactly my two stepparents played different roles for me, until you just said that. It all makes sense now! (All of the sudden a light & moment of clarity shines around me) Lol!

 

Sorry, back on topic.

[livinginsbi]

I'd have to agree with that. I was 6 when I first met my stepmom & 7 when they married, & she has definitely had more of a "parent" role than my stepdad, who I met when I was 13. I felt kind of bad not to accept him as a parent as I did my stepmom. Didn't seem fair, but I couldn't put my finger on why exactly my two stepparents played different roles for me, until you just said that. It all makes sense now! (All of the sudden a light & moment of clarity shines around me) Lol!

 

Sorry, back on topic.

 

my kids had the step dad thing happening.. I did a lot of research for my daughter's sake (she was 12 when my ex and I married) so it was much different for her, then the boys, who were much younger.

[BellaDonna]

KG, sorry if this was already established and simply I missed it, but are you 2 living together?

[doyathink]

Perhaps she might have a good point sometimes...but mothering people is often not really about having someone's best interests at heart...it is a control issue...not being able to allow the other person to conduct their life as they see fit because every action of the person is questioned and given an alternative recommendation. Perhaps her thoughts and suggestions when KG wanted to sort it out on his own could have been interpreted as well-meaning if she was the type of person who didn't constantly say how things should be done in every single situation from wearing a hat, putting on the gloves etc.

 

I wasn't talking about her mothering him. I was addressing the other issues.

[doyathink]

I am very good at compromising. But this is unsolicited advice, bordering on knowing more about raising my son, running my house than I know.

 

I am not "domineering", but I go with what has worked in the past, and I'm staying with it. Her experiences are hers, and I respect those, but, I dislike anyone who who insinuates that I'm not doing the proper job, who has only known me for less than a year. Be it a friend, lover, whatever.

And DYT, have I ever come accross as anything but understanding and compassionate?

 

No, I think youre a great guy, KG. But on some of your threads regarding your son....I sometimes wonder if you even see his pov. But hey....he's your child...you have to do what you think is best.

[doyathink]

Is she insinuating you're not doing a proper job? I guess I just think back to my raising kids days.. and I realized that my daughter was the 'practice' child.. that things I expected from her and the way I handled things with her were probably not always the best way.... but I didn't have someone else telling me that.. I figured that out whilst raising her brothers. SO many times she would say.. well, when I was their age.. blah, blah, blah.. and I would apologize to her that she was the practice kid....

 

I know you believe that what you are doing is the best for your kid.. why on earth would you not.. but again.. she could offer some good experiences that you could benefit from... I don't know.. it's a toughie!

 

I think you're the only one who is thinking the same way I am. God knows...we make mistakes as parents. But realizing that can take a long time.

[FarthestEdge]

KG,

 

What about, when she says something about your son, you reply "Hmm, interesting idea. Well, what we're doing works for us, but if it ever stops working, I'll have to give that some thought."

 

Give her a little acknowledgement that her idea may work for some, but reaffirm that you are doing what works for you and your son...

 

Although, I do have to ask, without going into specifics, is there any possibility she could be offering a fresh perspective? A dear friend of mine is raising his son on his own, and I sometimes think he gets locked into a mode because "it's how we do things". But kids change, their needs change and what works changes. I consider myself lucky that DH and I are in this together, because very often, one of us will recognize before the other, that something has stopped working and the other is banging their head against the wall. You and my friend have no one to see that, or bounce new ideas off...So maybe she has some ideas worth thinking about?

 

I don't know. Your complaint could be extremely valid, or it could be that you're oversensitive to a friend offering some advice. I think single dads sometimes overcompensate with the "I'm fine, I can handle it. I don't need any help" because there's this idea floating around that they aren't naturally as competent as mothers...which is patently false. So they refuse ANY help/alternative viewpoints for fear of looking like they can't handle it....

 

But I could be completely wrong. Just thinking out loud...

[RougeKali823]

In reality her commenting makes sense given the fact that she has been acting in the role of wife for months now. I find it a bit contradictory to share a bed with someone and then suggest that they not comment on parenting related issues. I don't believe it is that big of a deal because if she didn't care she wouldn't comment. Maybe you could suggest that she do so in a different manner. My bf is a single father and I comment all the time and he understands that I mean well and if he disagrees he is not required to take my advice, since I am after all not his son's mother.

[livinginsbi]

I think you're the only one who is thinking the same way I am. God knows...we make mistakes as parents. But realizing that can take a long time.

 

Exactly.. and quite honestly, if I were the gf and an important part of KG's life, I wouldn't understand the attitude which I'm reading as.. 'this part of my life is off limits.. and I don't want your input' I would be pretty put out about it, especially since I have more experience in total. That being said, it sounds like KG has told her he doesn't want her input and she had decided to stick around anyway... she has a choice here too.