Should I tell him why I don't think I can forgive him?

[BriarRose]

I have a "friend" who I once loved and once had a thing with (but I wanted more than he did) who is contacting me again. As many of you know, he was not there for me (emotionally) when I was going through cancer treatment - hardly even dropped me a line to ask how I was. Now he knows I am better...but I will never be able to get past his indifference towards me when I was sick - I could have died. He had time to go on link removed, but no time to call to see how I was feeling.

 

He asked if I was seeing someone (I guess because I was ignoring his correspondence - he is long distance). I told him no, but didn't go into any detail. Should I tell him the truth? That I don't think we can ever be true friends (or more) because I can never forget how he treated me during that time? Or just keep it light and not get into it and just tell him I have a bf (which I don't) and go NC?

 

He really is not a bad guy and I still care for him. He's just a little self-absorbed and just didn't have strong feelings for me. He is not a bad person and I don't want to say anything callous to him...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I would not tell him you have a boyfriend when you don't. What you can tell him is something like this:

 

I have just gone through a cancer scare and during this time I realized who my true friends are...they are the ones who checked up on me to make sure I was doing okay, they were the ones who called me regularly during my treatment to find out how I was coping and if I needed any help or moral support. Your complete silence during the time I was ill has made it clear to me that there really is no true friendship so I think it is best if we have no further contact.

[sidehop]

I would just ignore him. If he was cold hearted and selfish enough to offer you any sort of emotional support yet when it's convenient for him to ask if you're single then I don't think he deserves any sort of explanation.

[JonasWaingaro]

The truth misskitty. He was insensitive, callous, and jerky when you needed a caring friend. That's no friend, then, now, or ever. You deserve much better then that! Right? Yuhhuh. Remember - As Ye Sow, So Shall Ye Reap. Let him know it's not cool to show up now asking questions. But if you're of mind to be generous I would stick to NC and let it be. He'll figure it out.

 

I hope you are doing better!

[minou]

Remember some people freak out at the thought of cancer and life-threateng diseases. I know a few very nice people who weren't there for friends because it made them so anxious, due to some past issues of their own with loved ones... I know it's not much to ask for a phone call, however... Are you sure he wasn't going through some stuff of his own at the time? People don't always let you know when they are... sometimes they can really put up a front... especially if you are not that close. If you weren't that close to him in the first place, he may have just felt helpless and uncomfortable. Didn't you already know you feel he let you down? If you don't want anything to do with him, just let it go. If you do want something to do with him, just let it go for now until you have an intimate conversation, if it comes to that. Maybe you want to keep him at the periphery, but I don't think this is a good idea for you if your feelings were strong and his were not. You'll just get hurt. If you already let him know how you feel, just keep ignoring him. Glad you're better! Surround yourself with positive inputs.

[RougeKali823]

I would stop speaking to him period, because he made how he felt about you clear months ago. So, he does not have a right to be privy to anything regarding you. Ignore his calls and stop speaking to him.

[orchidrose]

I can almost guarantee, based on my experience with a guy like yours, that giving him a big dramatic speech about how you need to go NC will result in an "okay." Why? Because you've let him back in every other time that he comes e-mailing and calling, so he knows that you'll do it again. Announcing NC, to him, is merely another empty pronouncement that tells him he'll be able to suck you back in later.

 

So surprise him. Don't give him the benefit of the drama - he doesn't deserve to know why he upset you, because as human, he should know already - and go NC. Then stay with it. Please do not let this man back into your life again. This cycle will just go on forever.

[citymouse]

I wouldn't contact him at all. Besides, you already kind of expressed how he let you down in your moment of need in that email you sent him a couple of months ago. I can't remember the details specifically but I seem to remember you had sent him an email letting him know that he could have been a better friend when you were going through your treatments. So he has gotten that message.

 

He will keep contacting you as long as you leave that door open, even a crack. Just don't respond to anything ... despite the fact that he may act like he wants to be on friendly terms, on some fundamental level he has to know that he blew his chances with you quite some time ago.

 

Hang in there.

[BriarRose]

Problem resolved itself - haven't heard from him since I posted this thread. I guess that is good - the issue was resolved without me having to say anything.

[LANDA912]

I would try to forgive him as hard as it may be. Nothing good can come from not forgiving him. Forgiveness opens doors .. and you do sound like you care about him.

[BriarRose]

I would try to forgive him as hard as it may be. Nothing good can come from not forgiving him. Forgiveness opens doors .. and you do sound like you care about him.

How strange...he called me shortly after I wrote this, but I was out in the yard. Yes, you are right - I do care about him, he is a good person, just can be self-absorbed. He would never mean to hurt anyone.

 

But I can't forget, though. It was the hardest time of my life and he wasn't there.

[Tanzi]

How do you think you will feel, MissKitty, if you tell him how you feel? Will it be a weight off your shoulders? Sometimes it helps to get things off our chests if it is something that has weighed heavy on us. But you must also ask yourself what kind of response you are looking for and how you will feel if you don't get the response you want. Are you just looking for a simple sorry? If you get one do you think you would be able to move on and be friends with him? I would ask yourself these questions before saying anything. It really does depend on how it makes you feel afterwards by telling him.

[bulletproof]

I don't think this is really about forgiveness. You probably shouldn't be talking to him because it's not healthy for you to want a romantic relationship when he only wants a friendship. Therefore, talking to him is probably going to be hurtful for you. Why not just forgive him in your mind, become extremely busy in your life, and that way when you are unable to answer his calls/emails, you are not lying when you say that you have too much going on to correspond right now?

 

You don't really owe anyone an explanation, and I think further down the road you might regret spilling your guts to him.

[BriarRose]

Jellybaby, I'm not sure. I just know it is something I would never be able to get past with him, even though I care for him.

 

Bulletproof, I think that is what I will do. You are right - I owe no explanation. And he's a bright guy, he'll figure it out.

[Tanzi]

Jellybaby, I'm not sure. I just know it is something I would never be able to get past with him, even though I care for him.

 

I can understand that. He let you down badly at a time when you really needed his friendship ... now he has come back at a time when you don't really need his friendship. I know you care for him but it seems that his contact will always highlight that bad time for you.

[BriarRose]

I can understand that. He let you down badly at a time when you really needed his friendship ... now he has come back at a time when you don't really need his friendship. I know you care for him but it seems that his contact will always highlight that bad time for you.

Yeah, and it's just that he proved to me during that time that he will never be a man that would stick around during tough times....

[penelope13]

MK, what are YOU getting out of being in touch with him currently?

[BriarRose]

MK, what are YOU getting out of being in touch with him currently?

That is a very good question. I would say friendship at a time when I am very lonely, but we all know he doesn't fit the definition of a good friend after what he did. Problem is, I do care for him.

[penelope13]

In which way do you care for him? What kind of emotion are you feeling when he is in touch with you?

[BriarRose]

In which way do you care for him? What kind of emotion are you feeling when he is in touch with you?

Confusion, sadness....confusion at what he feels for me - has always felt for me, sadness at the difficult time in his life this is (his divorce that I don't think he fully recovered from, I've seen him through job losses, family issues, etc). He really has no friends (except for a few women that might just be fwb's). He doesn't seem to have any true friends. I feel badly for him (although I would never that to him) and have tried to be there for him.

[penelope13]

So you feel sad for him because he has no true friends. Well the thing is, if you want to have true friends, you have to be a true friend. He has very much proven not to have been a true friend for him, thus it's no surprise that he might not have any true friends himself.

 

While I do understand the want to be there for everybody, you have to realize that you only have a limited amount of emotional energy that you can spend in a given day/ life. Thus I would be more selective on whom to spend said energy.

 

Why spend it on someone who has proven that he is not willing to bestow you with this type of energy/ emotion/ support?

 

Why not use that energy to try to find someone more worthy of what you have to give.

 

you don't even have to give him any explanation or dramatic fare well (you have done that often enough).

 

If he makes you sad, then he is not the right person to have in your life right now. You have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of others. You need positive, uplifting people in your life. You want to move to a different place, find a different job and hopefully find a partner for life - you need positive energy for all these things. Not people who drain you.

[wlh22]

MissKitty,

I know your story. All I can say is try to let it go. I honestly (and 100%) think that no matter what the case (or situation) he shouldn't have abondonded you like that. If there was sometihng EXTREMELY personal that stopped him from caring about you / supporting you / being with you (even as a friend) during that tough time, he should have clarified. That's what a good friend would have done.

 

And also, I really don't remember him coming back to ask for forgiveness (has he?).So, I would say try to let go (and remember that you once promised ENA that you won't write about him again ... LOL )

 

Best wishes.

[lostandhurt]

I am not sure how close you two were when you were first diagnosed but I do know some people simply do not handle stuff like that very well. They don't know what to do, say and feel helpless. I am not making excuses for him but if you two were not in a relationship you may be placing things on him that are unfair. For some men there is a tipping point. This point is different for everyone. Some guys have tons of empathy and caring for their gf right away while others tend to need to be more vested in the relationship before they are all in so to speak. When I was younger my tipping point was pretty far but when I made it I would easily give my life without thinking for the ones I cared for. I am older now and much softer than I once was. Having a disabled child has taught me much about myself. Not everyone has a lot of empathy. Do not hold a grudge for what he didn't do. No good will come from it.

Put this thing to rest once and for all. Simply ask him why he backed away once you were diagnosed. If he is a real man he will be brutally honest and say "I was scared", "I was selfish", "I didn't know what to do" or whatever he might say.

 

Best wishes and continued good health

Lost

[orchidrose]

Lostandhurt brings up a point that many others have made throughout your threads about this guy, and I think it's an important one. But I also think that his leaving you during your illness, while upsetting, is merely an additional problem in a larger situation: you wanted a relationship, and he wasn't interested in that. I know it's very hurtful that he treated you the way he did, but ultimately, his lack of contact throughout your illness is, to me, just another reason to stop speaking with him, especially for your own emotional health.

 

I really think that the only way for you to get over this guy is to go complete NC and ignore him. No dramatic goodbyes, no spilling of emotions. I said in another one of your posts that that will likely result in an "okay," which will only serve to infuriate and upset you further. You don't owe him anything. Don't give him the benefit of your friendship and emotions.

[Taikero]

He didn't have to be your rock, but he could have talked to you, said hello. Anything really, and the way you've described what happened, he didn't.

 

I wouldn't talk to him again. He obviously has his own life he cares about.