Guy Friends.......Rules associated with the relationship??

[Spidey1607306453]

I have read many of the members post but never really got my question answered. I have a girlfriend who I have been dating for over two years. She is great except now she has recently been hanging out with some new guy friends that I don't know and one of them is single. She feels it is ok to go over to his house in the evenings and hang out with him. I disagree and when I tell her this she says I have a trust issue and that I can't tell her who her guys friends can and cannot be. I don't mind that she has guy friends but I think it is disrespect to me that she is entertaining the thought of hanging out with others guys instead of me. I want your honest opinion. Is my thinking valid or am I over reacting? I have tried talking to her about this and told her that I would feel better if I knew these guys and why can't we all go out together?? She says because they are her friends and they only get together to talk about their work. (Realtor) I think that is fine but not at 9:30 p.m.

 

Need some help with this. I am trying to figure out the rules of the guy friend thing.

 

Thanks!

[silvanesti]

Hi Spidey,

You know, if I were in your girlfriends postion and depending on how you said this to your girlfriend, my first reaction would to go and hang out with the other guys. Without any more information, I would say yes, you are over reacting. And maybe you need to figure out what exactly you don't trust. Her fidelity, the other guys, or your ability to hold on to her. Your girlfriend wanting to hang out with the guys could also have nothing to do with you. Maybe she just needs to have a life outside of your relationship. People tend to hold on tightly to those that they love... but they end up crushing what they wanted to protect.

[SwingFox]

Hi Spidey,

 

First of all, welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for bringing your questions to us. I am sorry to hear that things didn't really go the way you have them planned.

 

In opposite to what silvanesti says, I would say: "No, you are NOT overreacting". You are an unique individual who has certain needs and expectations out of a relationship. You feel confused and worried over your girlfriend hanging out with guy friends.

 

I am not saying that you do or don't have trust issues. What I am suggesting you is that you find out what your exact needs are in a relationship with your girlfriend and what you are looking for. That set of needs and expectations will form the boundaries of any relationship you will have. Those needs and expectations are the rules YOU live by. The trick is to find someone that matches your needs and expectations as close as possible.

 

Be warned, though: there is NO exact match. You will always have to compromize in a relationship, but YOU rock YOUR life. If YOU think that your g/f is taking things too far, YOU need to communicate your concerns to her (like you did). My suggestion is that in that situation you vary sweet words and words of love with the words of your concern. If she loves you enough, she will compromize with you (i.e. may be see her guy friends during the day instead of late in the evening?).

 

I hope this will help you on your way and I wish you good luck.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[Pengui6668]

You may or may not have trust issues with this girl.. but agreeing with Swing Fox, you're definitely not over-reacting.. If she's doing something that makes you uncomfortable you two need to talk about it.. Make sure you're both mature enough to have this conversation tho... if either of you are too immature to handle it it's going to turn into a MUCH bigger deal than it should be.. bring it up to her, let her know that it makes you uncomfortable and I would say let her handle it from there.. if she continues to hang out with him by herself late at night I would suggest to watch for a big drop off... Not to sound like a pessimist, but I highly doubt all he's interested in is real estate... Guys can be really ***ed up sometimes and girls sometimes don't have the self control to not kiss guys.. you never know what may happen..

 

voice your opinion to her and take it from there..

[pennywise1]

I personally would have a problem with her actions as well. There is nothing wrong with her having friends outside of your relationship. She obviuolsy had freids before she met you and know one would expect her to discontinue her friendship with them. Getting drinks and having dinner with friends is OK. Even having dinner with one of her guys friends would be OK as he may be her best friend of many years.

 

However, this is not the case. She is hanging out with NEW guys friends and going over to their plave to hang. THAT is crossing the line if you are commited to eachother. She is acting like a single woman would act.

 

You should address this situation with her immediately and find out how she views this relationship with you. Maybe she wants no commitment right now. That is her choice and you can do nothing about it. If that is the case, you then need to decide if you are comfortable with it.

 

I myself cant say that I would be.

[Spidey1607306453]

I agree that I have a trust issue but it is only because I have caught in other lies before. She is a very attractive girl who is about 5'11 and very slender. When she walks into a room every guy looks and that doesn't bother me it's actually flattering but she has never been without a guy either. She has lost many good friends but I am not sure why because she just talks about them and not about why they aren't friends anymore. I would be very curious why. I believe there is a pattern. SO recently we had plans for Friday evening and I work a lot and we live about 30 minutes apart and she wanted me to come down but I had be at a friend's house to help him move in the morning at 8:00 a.m. and he lives about 1 1/2 hours from her so I would have had to get up really early after being out late. So I told her that I would have to take a rain check. She seemed fine with it but then when I tried to call her later she was heading to a party with this guy. I knew that he didn't call her so she must have called him and said she didn't have plans so they went to the party together. I didn't understand why she was doing this and I wanted to talk but she said to me to go to bed and then hung up!! AS you can imagine I was upset so the next day she called my cell phone many times and I didn't return her call because I needed to cool off. So guess what she did she went out again with him to some function and what she didn't know was that one of my friends friend was there and he was wondering why she was with him. She didn't know that I knew but when I confronted her about it she denied it at first but I persisted and she finally said yes she did but it was my fault because I didn't return her call. So I do have a trust issue but with reason. I know this guy is in love with her and correct me if I am wrong......If she wasn't giving him signs that she was available then I don't believe that he would be so in love with her. I haven't ever met this guy and he is a new found friend in the past 3 months not a long time friend.

 

SO what should I do now??? I find it hard to ever trust her again and I don't like to feel that way.

 

Thanks again for your input.

[pennywise1]

You have caught her in lies before, she hands up on you, she takes this guy to a party (which you know to be true) and then denies being with him, anf only admits that she was with him because you had someone on the inside. To say that there is an issue of trust here is an UNDERSTATEMENT. Had your friend not had been there, she would have lied and you would have never known.

 

You are only aware of the lies where you caught her in the act. One wonders how many other times she has lied to you.

 

You said that she has lost alot of friends on account of reasons that you are unaware of. Here is my guess. She likes to get her way and she USES people to accomplish that. Once her friends (men or woman) realize what she is all about, the blow her off, and rightly so.

 

It sounds to me that she is treating you no better than anyone else. She is taking advantage of you and certainly doest not repspect you.

 

To recap, she is dishonest, rude, and does not respect you. On top of that, she has met someone, during your relationship, and is spending enough time with him fo him to fall in love with her.

 

So what should yo do? You said "I cant trust her and I dont like feeling this way".

 

Relationships are founded on trust and respect and further are supposed to make you feel GOOD. She is providing you with none of these.

 

As easy as it is for me to say, and as hard as it will be for you to do, it sounds like its time to move on. You deserve better.

[Spidey1607306453]

Thank you all for your wonderful replies. I am happy to say that I am moving on. Caught her in another lie and I have come to realize that this is best. It will hurt but in the long run I will be much happier.

 

Thanks again.

 

Spidey

[magicfly]

Hmm... ive been having the exact same problems as spidey and was looking around on the net for what other people think. I'm glad to see that I'm not behaving in some weird jealous way that no-one else does.

anyway heres my story.... my partner, who i have been living with for the past 18 months, started a new job about 5 months ago... usually she goes out for drinks with her workmates when they have finished, which i am completely fine with.

But i found out a couple of days ago that for the past 6 weeks or so that she has been meeting up with one guy in particular, to go to the movies, or shopping or for drinks..... now she says that nothing is going on between them and they are just friends, but i don't see it that way.. to me its like she has met a new guy and is going out on dates with him... whether or not they do anything sexual is beside the point. i wouldn't go to the movies one-on- one with a girl from my work, out of respect for my relationship. Is it too much to ask for this in return?