Alcohol Issues

[shazzanz]

I love my boyfriend and he is everything I want in a man...when hes sober

 

My man gets drunk probably twice a week with his mates after work, this in itself is not a problem, I understand we all need to let loose and relax.

 

The problem is, when he drinks, he drinks to excess and becomes a totally different person. He is often verbally abusive and can get physical as well, although he never gets physical with me, only other guys.

He becomes very unpredictable and very emotional and I feel like Im walking on egg shells when hes around as I dont want to upset him and set him off.

 

My biggest issue with the whole drinking thing is his drink driving. I have seen first hand what drink driving can do so I am very anti drink driving, he knows this. Yet he still does it!!!!! Tonight he came home so drink that he could barely stand up, but he drove himself home.

 

I have spoken to him time and time again. Due to issues in his past, he is on his last warning with the police, if he gets caught drink driving or gets in a fight again he is off to prison. He has also recently has shoulder surgery due to a drinking incident. He knows all this yet still continues to drink.

 

I'm getting to the point where I feel I need to give him an ultimatum.... me or the drink....

 

Any advise, please! am I being too tough on him?

[sidehop]

He needs serious help. He may or may not kill himself but he may just kill innocent bystanders, it's too often drunk drivers survive while taking innocent lives.

 

No you're not being tough on him at all. If anything either he'll end up in prison first or you breaking up with him unless he cleans his act. But I have a feeling unless he's willing to change his habits and get help he's on his own.

[minou]

Alanon would help you. Check it out.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I'm getting to the point where I feel I need to give him an ultimatum.... me or the drink....

 

That ultimatum will not work in your favour. If the threat of landing in prison is not enough to scare him into drinking responsibly then I doubt very much if an ultimatum from you will work. He has a drinking problem and people with drinking problems only change if they WANT to change. No ultimatum will do the trick. Are you prepared to walk out of his life if he doesn't change. If you give an ultimatum you have to be prepared to follow through. As for getting physical...if you stay with him the chances are very high that he will get physical with you as well. Mean drunks are like that with their partner.

[Speranza]

What about this isn't screaming RED FLAG at you Sweetie?

[Hermes]

Getting paralytic drunk and incapable (and violent) twice a week is NOT the same as letting loose and relaxing.

 

He probably will refuse to see he has a serious problem. So, yes, it is, I am afraid, going to be either you or the drink, and I have a terrible feeling the drink will win. When people get drunk like this, so frequently, there are underlying problems, usually.

 

There is a saying "in vino veritas". In other words, the real person comes out in the drink.

 

I ask the same as Speranza:

 

What about this isn't screaming RED FLAG at you Sweetie?

 

H

[Doc Blaze]

^^ i dont believe its the real person that comes out..i believe its the deep anger,pain,suffering etc that you would normally keep hidden, you let it out in different forms which is usually some type of violence. i was getting like this...never drinking and driving or getting physical with my gf but i was taking my anger out on alot of random people in the bars...that wasnt me..that was my pain and anger tlking through the alcohol...

[Speranza]

'I don't want to upset him and set him off...'

 

Doing WHAT, exactly??

[shazzanz]

Thanks everyone, I can see where you are all coming from and I agree with you all, I do feel maybe if I clarify a few things you guys might see this in a slightly different light...

 

Yes I am willing to walk away if things do not change, this is not a situation I wish to stay in. As for the violence, he would never hurt me, he has never hurt a female in his life, i know this 100%.

 

This drinking is has only started recently, in the last month or so. My partner does know he has a problem and he knows why he drinks.

 

He separated with his wife about 18 months ago, we got together 12 months ago. They separated because he found out his wife was having an affair with one of his best friends. Just recently his wife told him she was preggers with this other mans baby, she has now moved this new man into the house my partner still owns and where his kids live. She has also told his kids that he was the one having an affair so now his kids dont want to see him.

 

All of this has caused the drinking, before recently my partner would only have maybe 3 or 4 drinks a week.

 

So I get there is a major underlying issues which is causing the drinking, the thing is, although he knows he needs help, he is a "mans man" and doesnt want to talk to some stranger about his feelings.

 

This does in no way excuses his behaviour but makes me a little bit more understanding...

[Speranza]

I see. But it's very dangerous to be 'understanding' of someone who deals with emotional issues by drinking, becoming violent and driving illegally and dangerously.

 

One day YOU could be in the car when he decides to take his temper out on the other road users. Or a friend of yours could be on the pavement (sidewalk) when he crashes.

 

This is BAD NEWS. This is a practised response to a crisis, not a one-off. If he won't accept he needs help, things are going to get worse. Much worse.

[Hermes]

Exactly, Speranza.

 

One day YOU could be in the car when he decides to take his temper out on the other road users. Or a friend of yours could be on the pavement (sidewalk) when he crashes.

 

Moving on to what the Op explains:

 

although he knows he needs help, he is a "mans man" and doesnt want to talk to some stranger about his feelings.

 

 

a) a qualified therapist is not "some stranger" and b) there is nothing "unmanly" about seeking help. Anyhow, what is a "man's man".?

 

Yes, he has separated from his wife under very unpleasant circumstances, and is upset. I am assuming a divorce is pending?

 

It was not an advisable thing to do for him to get involved with someone else only six months after such a particularly acrimonious situation. Time, considerable time, is needed to "heal" after the end of a marriage, before diving into a new relationship. Not to mention the practicalities. He needs to have everything wound up, and more or less in place, plus getting back to himself, beforeinvolving another person: YOU.

 

So, IMO the best course of action would be for him to sort out his life, on his own two feet. You are not a therapist, a body-guard, a keeper, a protector. It is unfair on you.

 

H.