Seriously confused and think I need to stop analyzing this guy!

[DreamerGirl27]

but...I just can't get him off my mind! I like him a lot, that's why. I have this friend that I met last year in August, but didn't start talking to until November. Anyway, we started off talking on myspace, then more in person and then eventually texting every day non-stop. Like NON-STOP!! Late at night, day time, whenever. I eventually wound up telling him I like him (like that) and I'm not sure if it was the smartest thing to do, but it just sort of happened. At the time, he didn't tell me whether he liked me or not.

 

Well, a couple months go by and I find out he doesn't like me like that. The only problem is, he still talks to me all the time. Like, he is dead set on being friends.

 

Well...this last Friday night he invited me to his house. He said he was lonesome. I said I was, too. He facebook IMed me (like he always does) at like midnight, wanting me to buy some drinks and drive to his house. Anyway, I said I would and he's like, "just drive here and we will go together". So, I did. I got there and he was waiting outside for me and we went to the corner and got some drinks...when we went up to the counter, I tried to stand behind him like I was gonna pay for myself, but he wouldn't have it. He ended up buying my drink for me...this is the second time he's paid for me when we've been out. Well anyway, we got back to his house, he snuck me in through his window (lol) and we drank and played video games for awhile (in his bed haha). We didn't do anything, by the way, I know that's what everyone is probably thinking by now. A couple hours later he looked like he was about to fall asleep so I said I can leave (I wish I hadn't said that) but I did, because I really didn't want to "do anything" with him. I don't want "friends with benefits". The only way I'd want that is if I was in a relationship with him. I'm not...so I got cold feet and after about 2 hours, once the alcohol had started kicking in (he had more than I did) I was just like, "I can leave if you're gonna fall asleep". He's like "I don't want you to go!"... 15 min later he's like "I'm about to crash, so as much as I don't want to, I'm gonna have to kick you outta here". (I wasn't drunk, I barely had any alcohol in mine, so I was fine driving home).

 

I am so damn confused by this "friendship" we have going on here... and I'm starting to not really care anymore, whatever happens is gonna happen. But, at the same time, I do still like him. Had he never told me he doesn't like me like that over facebook IM, I wouldn't be so confused.

 

but the paying for me, inviting me to his house late at night (early in the morning is more like it) and just...gah! I don't know. I've never been snuck through a window before lmao and I most certainly have never drank with a guy in his bed at 2am before, either...

 

Maybe I just have 0-little experience with guys, but I have never really liked a guy quite like this before. A few people I have talked to online on message boards keep telling me I am just in the "friend zone". My actual friends that I have IRL keep telling me he is playing me and leading me on.

 

I don't know who to believe.

 

I, personally, think he likes me and is sending mixed messages. That is why I am so confused.

[abitbroken]

if he is constantly communicating you and buying you drinks, he is interested, no matter how much he protests. Friends see eachother or talk "whenever." They don't talk to friendzoned people 24 hours a day. But he may be playing you or told you he isn't interested because you are more than willing to jump for him so he doesnt' need to be in a relationship with you. you need to set some clear and serious boundaries. You are not "Miss Right" but "Miss Right Now" at the present time. You are always available to him. You are willing to crawl through bedroom windows and sneak around. You did try to make an exit, but you stayed anyway. That sort of thing doesn't translate into the kind of relationship you want. I would imagine that you want the type of relationship where you are invited through the front door rather than through the window, and you are "official."

 

Stop being available at all hours to him. Log out of facebook for hours at a time. Or just check it once per day. If he wants to see you, it is during appropriate hours. its one thing to meet up at 8 pm and end up still being together at 2 am, but a guy who calls a girl to come see him at midnight UNLESS he works second shift, etc, is looking for a booty call, is bored, or just wants to see if she'll jump. If you didn't agree to drinks, would he have just gone down the list and saw who else was available? Have standards. You have value. When you set boundaries, people take notice and might figure out that they have to show more respect if they want to see you. If you set boundaries and he loses interest, you have your answer. Setting boundaries will also be a good learning experience for you for future friendships and relatonships.

 

Remember, don't mistake quantity time for quality time.

 

If you don't have much experience with guys - I understand, I've been there - but remember its not just about us responding to the guy who pays the most attention to us but to be discriminating and only put our best attention to the guy that not only gives us the time of day but is also right for us.

[savignon]

Some things to consider...

Has he ever made a move to kiss you, hold hands....anything like that?? Does he give you compliments? Does he invite you over with advance notice (like plan ahead) or just at the last minute? Do you hang out without alcohol sometimes?

And how did he tell you he wasn't interested? Did he say why?

[ToF]

I've read your other posts, and I do agree that this is a confusing situation.

 

This guy keeps inviting you over because he knows that you like him. It's harsh, but most likely true. He knows that you're into him, and that you are waiting and willing to be with him if he so chooses. He's keeping you as an option, which is not fair to you. You're also stroking his ego, by being available to him.

 

I say that if it's hurting you, then put some distance between you. Give yourself time to get over him. He is not interested in having a relationship, or else you'd be in one by now.

[DreamerGirl27]

Some things to consider...

Has he ever made a move to kiss you, hold hands....anything like that?? Does he give you compliments? Does he invite you over with advance notice (like plan ahead) or just at the last minute? Do you hang out without alcohol sometimes?

And how did he tell you he wasn't interested? Did he say why?

 

He has not made a move to kiss me or hold hands... this is also why I am confused. But...he told me that one of his standards is that he needs a girl who is aggressive (especially sexually) lol because he is very passive. Well, that's not going to work, because I'm pretty passive myself and I could never make a move on a guy...please don't try and talk me into it or convince me, either. I am not that kind of girl...

 

We have hung out without alcohol, but it was from school. It wasn't planned. We went to go get coffee because class was canceled.

 

He invited me somewhere before in advance and I kind of turned him down, because it was to something I wasn't interested in. I told him I'd go, but I really wasn't interested in the thing he was inviting me to...so he wound up going with other people.

 

I made a comment about him maybe dating me and he said something like "I don't like you like that" or something. The conversation was really effed up and it was over facebook IM, he also told me he was drunk at the time and he never said why, and I didn't ask. I guess I should have. I was kind of hurt by it...okay, I was really hurt by it at the time, so I just changed the subject. Cried about it nonstop for weeks....

 

Well, I am finally over the whole crying over him thing. I think I was just having a bad couple of weeks on top of hearing "I don't like you like that" from the only guy I am interested in at the moment.

 

Well anyway...I know I shouldn't be as available to him as I am... and it's not like we talk 24/7, even though we totally did when he was texting me. He does talk to me more than my other guy friends, though. Most of my guy friends ignore me and don't talk to me at all, actually. Keyword, most. Not all...he still wins as far as the one guy I am in contact with the most, though.

 

The only reason he snuck me through the window was 'cause he didn't want his mom to be woken up. I'm sure if it was day time he would've let me in through the front door, but it was late and the dogs would've barked a lot if a stranger came through the front door. He had to lock them in another room when I had to go to the bathroom. lol

 

Anyway...it is an incredibly confusing situation and I think I need to just let whatever happens, happen. I just really don't wanna find out he is in a relationship with someone else someday and it's not me...that'll break my heart.

[abitbroken]

Well - a respectable guy would have said "my mom is sleeping. I guess this is goodnight" and part ways or go to some 24 hour pancake house. I understand you'd be upset if he is with someone else, but he was very clear that he was not interested in you as a girlfriend. It is not up to you to prove yourself or change his mind. I really suggest that you broaden your horizons and meet new people. I have been there where I was quite fixed on a guy and he wasn't right for me - he was just who I had the most contact with.

 

If its not going to work because he likes aggressive girls and you are not one, then he is not the guy for you. Don't try to change for him. He is not interested in you being his girlfriend because you don't ring his bells. It doesn't mean that you are not smart or pretty or worthwhile. There will be a guy out there and you will rock his world just by being you - and he's not this guy.

[DreamerGirl27]

Well you did a 180 from your last post. What happened to, "if he is constantly communicating and buying you drinks, he is interested no matter how much he protests." He was just telling me his standards one night...he knows he can't find the perfect fit, though. He also said "nobody meets my standards". He wasn't saying, "I don't like you because you are not aggressive". He gave me a long list of what he likes and that was just one of many...it wasn't directed towards me.

[DreamerGirl27]

Also, please don't insinuate that he isn't a respectable guy. I think is a very respectable guy. He even asked me if I'd mind crawling through his window...because he started to back off after he told me he wanted me to come over. He made sure I didn't mind, and I didn't. It was fun. If I minded, I would have said so. We acted like we were 15, but it was still fun.

[DreamerGirl27]

He also didn't wanna tell me his standards. I kind of pressured him to tell me. It didn't take much persuading him to tell me, though. He just brought up one night that nobody meets his standards, so I asked him what they are, and he thought it was wrong to tell someone all that 'cause nobody ever fits anyone's standards perfectly. I was curious and wanted to know, though. So he gave me this long drawn out list and I actually did fit some of them, just not all of them.

[ToF]

He even asked me if I'd mind crawling through his window

 

That ... doesn't sound like a good example of being a "respectable" guy to me. I guess it was nice of him not to order you to climb through against your will, but how was that particularly chivalrous??

 

It really sounds like he was just desperate for company. Just listen to yourself.

 

Did you read my last post about this? I can't help but notice that you did not acknowledge it. I really think this guy is just keeping you around for the sake of having someone around, and you're letting him do it. You deserve better.

[abitbroken]

Well you did a 180 from your last post. What happened to, "if he is constantly communicating and buying you drinks, he is interested no matter how much he protests." He was just telling me his standards one night...he knows he can't find the perfect fit, though. He also said "nobody meets my standards". He wasn't saying, "I don't like you because you are not aggressive". He gave me a long list of what he likes and that was just one of many...it wasn't directed towards me.

 

No I didn't do a 180. Firstly, you provided more info. But also your idea of "like" is different - you want him to be your boyfriend and for him to be in love with you and only you and what matches what goes on in your head. If he didn't like you, he wouldn't spend so much time with you, but you are more like second fiddle and he is waiting for a girl to really come knock his socks off and go after him (and that's not you, because you aren't assertive with him ). The biggest problem here is not getting him to like you like you want, but about you setting boundaries. I noticed when I was at a guy's beck and call, they didn't respect me. You are cool with anything he wants to do at any time. You probably don't make suggestions for plans either. Its amazing when we set boundaries how guys change their tune or someone better comes along.

[DreamerGirl27]

Chivalrous? Whenever I have mentioned I wanted a guy to be chivalrous online, I get attacked for being too "old fashioned". So, then, when I do something that doesn't seem "chivalrous", I get attacked for that, too. Good God, damned if you do and damned if you don't.

 

Also, abitbroken, I am not always there at his beck and call. I have suggested stuff. He has turned me down. I have turned him down once when he wanted me to go to something I wasn't interested in going with him to.

 

I felt like going out that night, so I did. I had and still have no problem that I crawled through his window. Jesus Christ, I am sorry I mentioned that.