Do I tell the wife of the guy who had two long term affairs with my ex?

[SadAndy]

hi folks, my ex left me for a much younger bloke after 14yrs and one child together.

Within the last 5 yrs she had two affairs with the same bloke (not the one she left me for) who also used to be a mutual friend and my best friend at work, one affair lasting 6 months, the other 18 months.

Whilst he was having the first 6 month affair he was getting his wife pregnant and he married her 2 months after the affair finished, it finished only because I found out.

 

I have now found out that the last affair, ending only when she met the bloke she is now with, lasted for about 18mths and she restarted it.

 

I have had a 'little chat' with this guy (the first time I had spoken to him in 4 yrs) to tell him what I thought of him etc.

It has now come to light, that he has been passing round photos at work boasting about what he has done.

 

The dilema I now have, and I have thought and thought about this, culminating in my decision to tell his wife tomorrow, is is it the right thing to do.

 

On the one hand, she needs to know and from a spiteful revenge driven attitude, i can screw up his family the way he has screwed mine up.

On the other hand, it still feels 'alien' to cause any trouble for my ex.

I will inform this 'wife' face to face to ensure that I make it absolutely clear that whatever she does, must NOT include my daughter in any way.

 

Any views from you good people would be very much appreciated. I am not normally a vindictive person but feel i owe it to my daughter to try and 'bring him down' as he has destroyed her family life. Also, regarding turning the other cheek, 'how much is enough'?

[redherring]

Personally, I would not tell his wife.

His unfaithfulness is a matter between him and his wife, not you.

If he has been having affairs they will probably come to light at some point anyhow- these things tend to.

[Capricorn3]

I would leave it be. He will be found out sooner than later. Be the better/bigger man here, with your dignity in tact and your head held high. Don't lower yourself to his standards.

[SadAndy]

That is part of my worry. But I honestly think that she deserves to know and if it comes out later that I knew and didn't tell her then she could easily blame me and all of a sudden i'm not an equal victim but part of the lies.

[Capricorn3]

Who's to say she will ever find out that you knew anything in the first place? I think you are so focused on seeking revenge now that you are blinded and not seeing the wood for the trees.

 

You asked for our opinions and you got them. Do what you feel you have to do, but don't be too surprised if you don't feel so good about yourself afterwards. I still stand by my original post.

[rigguy]

That is part of my worry. But I honestly think that she deserves to know and if it comes out later that I knew and didn't tell her then she could easily blame me and all of a sudden i'm not an equal victim but part of the lies.

 

Hey man, it is not your responsibility. You shouldn't worry how you come accross in the future, if you tell this woman now you stand a very real chance of her hating you anyway for instigating turmoil even if you only stated facts. As you said yourself such move will be seen as spiteful (rightfully so) so don't give into "savior complex" train of though for justification. BTW, I think your ex is a rotten human being for doing this to you. Be a bigger man and concentrate on your child instead, I am willing to bet you are already. Cheers, R

[lavenderdove]

When there are children involved in a marriage, you have no right to interfere for spite or any other reason. You KNOW that telling his wife is about you wanting to get even, and by doing so you could potentially wreck a child's life as well.

 

What happens between that married couple is their business, not yours. You need to work on letting go of the anger and moving on to find a new woman who will make you happy, rather than scratching your mad spot about things that are long past.

 

So what if he talks about your ex wife? if someone brings it up to you, you should just say, thank goodness, not my problem anymore, water over the dam!

[lavenderdove]

By the way, you can't 'inform' the wife not to involve your daughter... once that cat is out of the bag, people can behave very irrationally and not care. They may now feel that since you wrecked their family, they will have no compunction about getting your daughter or anyone else involved in a messy divorce or he said/she said battle. If you launch the first shot, you have to be prepared to take whatever comes after, and that usually is very messy and nasty if you start doing things like talking to his wife etc.

 

You're escalating your problems here buddy, not reducing them. Let this thing go, and move into the future rather than clinging to past grievances.