I can't live with myself anymore

[Vanille]

I've become corrupted beyond all control.

 

I've become a cheater, a liar and, worst of all a horrible friend.

 

Let's start at the beginning:

 

Picture this; a very innocent girl with no knowledge of the world, or any of its evils. That was me, five years ago.

 

At that time I met a girl, we'll name her Sherbert to keep from any specific details. Sherbert was not quite as innocent as me, but we hit it off right away. We became best friends, and although Sherbert could barely stand my nativity and innocent, she put up with it because we'd become really close. Eventually, I fell in love with her.

 

Sherbert and I spent a wonderful two years together. I loosened up, ever so slightly but we still generally maintained a child-like innocence. My affections for her were never quite in the open.

 

Eventually, Sherbert and I went our separate ways. In a way, I became more innocent than I had ever been during the year and a half we spent apart.

 

Sherbert and I re-acquainted ourselves after that year and a half, through a mutual friend I will name Chocolate. It only took a few months for us to retain our heavenly friendship and stick to each other like mighty putty. My love for Sherbert followed along. But I kept silent.

The corruption would soon follow.

 

During our new time together, we began to realize that all we needed was each other to make ourselves happy, and it was so incredibly wonderful. I finally worked up the guts to make her mine.

Our relationship was awkward and not quite real.

We acted just like friends, and it seemed, to me that she didn't consider anything remotely different.

If we were to act intimate or loving in any way, it would be dismissed shortly after it occurred. It would be as like it never did occur.

After almost a year, I could bear no more and we became friends once again.

 

She began my corruption with alcohol. A simple buzz, but it did the trick. It was my first taste of intoxication, and many more sessions of drinking and drug-consumption would follow.

We became each other's once again, but it was much the same.

Lover-like behavior happened only when we were mentally altered. The next day, it never happened.

I broke promises. (Not to cut myself. To tell her when/why I was upset. Not to visit my ***** of a grandfather.) And because of this dishonesty, she left me and we were once again friends.

 

But I still love(d) her. More than my life, itself.

 

I was confused and appalled. Who was this person I was becoming?

 

The drunken intimacy continued. The lies continued. I continued to spiral downward and slowly became the terrible person that I am, and that I despise today.

 

Most recently...

 

It was only ever she and I in the past.

But, I rejoined school.

And, in that, I became even less the person I wish I could be again.

 

We still spent every squeeze of time we could together. And when we would go to bed... every so often, we would be intimate... And the guilt. It was like she hated me the next morning. I hated myself the next morning.

But, still she would forgive me. Over and over, we would ignore it. It never happened.

 

Until a boy became involved.

I met him at school. We'll name him Bob.

I had feelings for Bob, which, for that time made me feel awful for I still love(d) Sherbert.

 

I introduced Bob and Sherbert.

Bob was a hit.

Sherbert began to like Bob as well.

 

 

After a while, my feelings for Bob grew, as did my guilt.

Bob and I became lovers.

And Sherbert, she hated me.

I still don't blame her.

It was a horrible, dishonest thing to do.

 

Shortly after, Sherbert forgave me.

She redirected her hurt and anger toward Bob.

Bob became unmentionable.

 

 

 

No more than an hour ago Sherbert and I got a little intoxicated and a little intimate.

And I then became a cheater.

The issue surfaced at last.

Shertbert is appalled, and so I am.

 

 

And, I...

I don't know what to do.

If she forgives me again, how long is it until I do something terrible to her once again?

How can I prevent myself from being this person that I hate?

Can I ever go back?

Should I tell Bob?

She I even try to apologize?

If she doesn't forgive me this time...

How am I going to live another second of my life?

I love her.

She is so important to me...

And I... I can't go on without her.

[RedDress]

How can I prevent myself from being this person that I hate?

 

You are letting life 'happen' to you rather than take responsibility for your decisions in life.

 

SHE didn't corrupt you - YOU decided to hang out with her and made poor decisions in her presence. Why didn't you say no?

SHE didn't make you addicted to alcohol or drugs - she handed you a drink and YOU put it to your mouth and swallowed. Why?

SCHOOL didn't make you less of a person. YOU decided that it was not where you wanted to be. Why were you there, then?

BOB didn't make you cheat. YOU decided that you wanted to be with him even if it hurt her. Why?

 

Even the cutting is a form of not taking responsibility for your emotions. Rather than looking at WHY you are feeling upset and doing something about it (talk to someone, fix root cause, etc), you cut.

 

Until you start to take control of your actions and your emotions, things will continue to be terrible.

 

Take control of your life! It's empowering! YOU get to decide who you want to be. YOU get to decide the outcome of certain events. YOU get to steer your life into a happy place.

 

No one can do this for you.

 

I honestly recommend speaking to someone about this. Someone who can give you the tools necessary to take control of your life. Someone who can help you get on the right track. The most qualified people to help you with this are councillors. They've gone to school and spent many years and thousands of dollars to help people in your situation. I think you should swallow your pride and go. For YOU. So that YOU can lead a happy, happy life.

 

All the best.