Am I too damaged?

[SadAndy]

for those of you familiar with my postings, sorry for the explanation to follow!

 

My first love and ex after 14yrs cheated on me with my 'best mate' at work 5 yrs ago for a period of 6 months only stopping when I found out. She has now left me for a much younger man and admitted to carrying on the affair with the first bloke for the last 18 months.

Now, whenever I go to work I am told how this bloke has passed round photos of her etc and i am very upset, suicidal some days, whilst she has the perfect life with the new bloke.

 

I have little self confidence anyway and have absolutely none now and to make it worse my daughter still lives with the ex and her new bloke.

 

I am struggling very much with how someone who I was so close to for such a long time and treated so well could have done this to me.

 

Am I beyond repair? It certainly feels like it.

[incaangelique]

No, you aren't beyond repair. You are healing. You will in the break up recovery hospital for a while, months maybe.

[rickishi]

The problem my friend is you are too obsessed with the wrong which has been done to you.

 

As Bill gates once said "Life is Not fair... get used to it" the same way , it is better to just let it go as a bad experience and learn from it

 

SO what if you ex is living happily ? does it mean you have no rights to lead a happy life ? Life is short my friend , make full use of it and enjoy it to the fullest

 

Whether your ex leads a happy life or not , whatever she does should not bother you at all coz she is completely out of your life. when she does not care , what point is it for you to care ? Disconnect yourself completely from her

 

so wash away all your worries my friend, dont waste your precious time worrying , come out and enjoy life, dont care for what other think, these others will never help you in your life anyways so dont care for them... nobody but you can help yourself

[jahur]

no your not, in a nutshell! as cher once sang, there is life after love. shame on her totally. forget the pix being shown around, leave them to it, if thats how they behave, they deserve each other, you are so well rid of them. regain your dignity, chest out, chin up and move on! we on ENA salute you, no woman is worth dying for! its happened for a reason. their time will come and she will come crawling back, and you can say with your pride and courage a big fat no! good luck my friend

[Crazyaboutdogs]

No, you are not beyond repair. You just had your world torn apart by a heartless, gutless wonder. Your reaction and feelings are perfectly normal for someone who has been so cruelly betrayed and has to have his face rubbed in it by the "winner". She was with you, having an affair with your friend and now is with a third guy! She sounds like a piece of work. Remember that the "winner" the man who has her now...is really the big loser because she will never be faithful to him either. She is no good and you are better off with her out of your life.

[SadAndy]

thank you so much for your caring answers. I just don't seem to be getting anywhere. One step forward and two back.

 

I know she has behaved awfully, i can't really think of anything worse other than maybe finding out my daughter isn't mine and yet I am just struggling to believe it!

 

I know I am better of out of it but any woman I see now just doesn't come close.

Why has she come out on top? And whatever happens she has destroyed my daughters and my life as we knew it.

[SadAndy]

also, can someone really change from being angelic and caring (she genuinely was 10yrs ago) into an evil, calculating and selfish individual that she has obviously become.

 

Its been 9 weeks and it is torture. I dread to think about Christmas and Birthdays etc.

 

And all the time she has come out unscathed and the clear winner!

[rickishi]

also, can someone really change from being angelic and caring (she genuinely was 10yrs ago) into an evil, calculating and selfish individual that she has obviously become.

 

Its been 9 weeks and it is torture. I dread to think about Christmas and Birthdays etc.

 

And all the time she has come out unscathed and the clear winner!

 

There is nothing much you can do about it my friend , my suggestion is to disassociate from her completely and go on with your life

 

you know what, sometimes I feel it is actually the devil who is ruling the world . coz the ones who do bad to others are actually the happiest and worst part is there is nothing much you can do about it

 

One thing I learnt from past 28 years is that there is nothing called justice ever done by god (if he exists at all) . being good and emotional is only harmful to yourself , so let go of it and get practical.

 

No god will do justice nor will he come and reward you for being just and honest. Time to get practical and selfish buddy , care for those who care for you. let others be doomed

[brokenheart41]

^^^

very true, there is no such thing as karma.

[Mauxly]

^^^

very true, there is no such thing as karma.

 

Wrong. Maybe karma isn't the right word, but inhumane people do not live happy lives. You'll see. She'll have a string of drama filled relationships, as she ages she won't be able to get by in looks it sexuality. She'll have to fall back on her character. Unles@ she gets help, changes, she and the men she falls in with are in for a world of hurt.

 

I've seen this play out so many times in my 4 decades on this planet.

[rickishi]

Wrong. Maybe karma isn't the right word, but inhumane people do not live happy lives. You'll see. She'll have a string of drama filled relationships, as she ages she won't be able to get by in looks it sexuality. She'll have to fall back on her character. Unles@ she gets help, changes, she and the men she falls in with are in for a world of hurt.

 

I've seen this play out so many times in my 4 decades on this planet.

 

^^^^^^^^

 

I have not seen that happening in real life here , except in movies and tv

 

anyways whether that lady suffers or not is not going to make any difference to your life (to the thread starter) besides such people are insufferable and are least bothered to think about what hit them and why

 

If it does happen it will look like "Justice delayed is Justice denied" by god (again if he exists) .. that lady enjoyed all her life and spent only a few years in sorrow , but what about your life ? you cannot waste away your life , you will need to move on

 

so come out fresh and think ahead, remember getting emotional and self pity are most dangerous thinks that could ever happen to a man, it feels good initially , but it will eat into your life on a longer run

[Dixi]

I just don't seem to be getting anywhere. One step forward and two back.

I know this feeling as I was in a very similar break up a few years ago. Just keep going as it does get easier with time and the steps backwards get less.

 

I know I am better of out of it but any woman I see now just doesn't come close.

You are better out of it trust me. Don't even try to look for another women yet, it would be a rebound and it wouldn't be fair on you or the other woman. In reality you wouldn't want another her anyway!

 

Why has she come out on top?

That's just your opinion. At this early stage nobody can seriously tell where it’s going to end up. There are so many obstacles that they are both going to have to face that she may well end up with very little. I know this is hard as I thought the same about my ex at first but then I realised that they were very much in the honeymoon phase and after that real life would kick in. Just keep reminding yourself of that, it does help.

 

 

also, can someone really change from being angelic and caring (she genuinely was 10yrs ago) into an evil, calculating and selfish individual that she has obviously become.

Sadly it appears they can, you only have to read the countless posts on here to know the answer is yes. You must not dwell on it though and don’t try to analyse why she changed, you’ll never work it out, just accept that she isn’t the person you once thought she was.

 

Its been 9 weeks and it is torture. I dread to think about Christmas and Birthdays etc.

Give it time, it does get easier, the first Christmas was bad for me but the last two have been easier. Don’t worry about that now, tackle it when it comes.

 

 

And all the time she has come out unscathed and the clear winner!

Winner! I think not. Don’t ever believe that. You just don’t realise what she has lost yet, it will become clearer that she is not a winner.

[OccultFigurine]

thank you so much for your caring answers. I just don't seem to be getting anywhere. One step forward and two back.

 

I know she has behaved awfully, i can't really think of anything worse other than maybe finding out my daughter isn't mine and yet I am just struggling to believe it!

 

I know I am better of out of it but any woman I see now just doesn't come close.

Why has she come out on top? And whatever happens she has destroyed my daughters and my life as we knew it.

 

Hi Andy, I'm sorry to hear you ar going through this, I can't imagine how you're feeling ....

 

Please don't think though that she has come out 'on top' somehow. If your marriage was in difficulty, then the decent thing to do would be to work on it or end it. She took the cowardly way out, and though you may feel terrible right now, you are the better person in all of this.

 

It shines through from your posts how much you care for your daughter, and though your lives as you knew it may be gone, all you can do now is concentrate on rebuilding your life in a way that meets the challenges faced when being the 'absent parent' (I hate that phrase, but I couldn't think of another way to put it)

 

Do you still have regular contact with your daughter?

 

OccultFigurine

[SadAndy]

Do you still have regular contact with your daughter?

 

OccultFigurine

 

Thankfully she lets me have my daughter whenever I want. I think this is partially due to the fact that she realises she caused it and secondly, it allows her more time with the new bloke.

 

She never once came to me to try and fix whatever was wrong in the relationship, she just put on a very convincing act which is why i really didn't see i coming.

[Carus]

Hey Andy*

 

I can feel your pain as I went through the same thing minus the daughter....

...suicidal some days....

Stay with us mate...I know how deep the pain is...Oh how I know, but you cannot do this because of your daughter....Just like I cannot because of my son...(son is from a previous RS)

 

I'm 13 months out and she is 11 months with the guy that would 'never replace me'....

 

I miss her everyday but all I can say is it DOES get easier....The pain subsides at least....

 

Rickishi can feel your pain too, and their advice is sound, but unfortunately you cannot just cut her out of your life because you share a daughter...

 

So you cant really go NC but more LC - Light Contact....But you'll have to make it ONLY about your daughter....

 

This has been the deepest pain I have ever experienced but we CAN get through this Buddy OK*

...whilst she has the perfect life with the new bloke.

You dont know that....Those in our situation will always believe this (me included), but once that honeymoon wears off, I dont predict great things for their RS....

 

How long will their honeymoon last? 2 months....2 years....Who can say, but that is not for you to worry about mate. You need to look after your health right now....You need food. You need sleep. You do NOT need your ex....

 

You will need to stay out of the picture though and start healing from this gaping wound....

 

And when this happened to me I also thought "Oh well I'll just get someone else too"......Doesn't work that way mate....I've had a few dates and short rebounds but have since stopped and relaxed so that I can get Me back first...Almost there

I am struggling very much with how someone who I was so close to for such a long time and treated so well could have done this to me.

Ditto*....but these are the cards we've been dealt and must now play....

Am I beyond repair? It certainly feels like it.

NEVER!! FIGHT!! Fight for your health and sanity....

 

I highly recommend EMDR Therapy to deal with the shock and trauma. You may be able to get it free from the hospital.....

 

I'm 13 months out so you have a long and dark road ahead but I am up here shining a torch for you mate...Can you see me?

 

Stay Strong. Keep posting....

K2*

[SadAndy]

Thanks Kalgan, you are a star!

 

I have just written a text telling my ex that the first bloke she had the two affairs with has gone round my workplace boasting and showing the photos and asking her why she thought so little of me and our daughter to allow this. I am guessing that she doesn't know that he did this but the reply would be an interesting one.

 

I know that you good people will say don't send it but i'm just wondering why not?

[Carus]

Thanks Kalgan, you are a star!

Thanks Andy*....More of a falling star at the moment, but doing what I can to pull up*

I know that you good people will say don't send it but i'm just wondering why not?

Well if it's not too late, basically because you are diving into the slimy muck level that those dustmites live in...You are a bigger Man than that...

 

Also because it is still attaching and interacting with your ex....You need to refocus....An yes refocussing takes time and work, may as well start ASAP*

 

Leave the dustmites in the dust.....

 

Here's a nice steaming hot cup of Strength for you....

 

You and I have both suffered...IF there IS any karma in this world, it'll be interesting to see who the Karma Bus picks up first: You or Me...

I'm still waiting at the bus stop.....lol

 

Ever Forward

K2*