Random Babblings of Nothing

[candykisses]

Someday, I will understand, God's whole plan.

[candykisses]

When I am 100% committed to be open and honest about everything, I'm really not sure what else they could want.

[candykisses]

Maybe cuz we're both too trusting with people?

[candykisses]

We're both shy but come alive when dancing? We both feel useless without our seks appeal? We both searching for something more out there?

 

 

*Sigh* tonight. I want to get out of this materialistic bubble I'm in and go to Africa or something.

[candykisses]

You see my problem is this...I'm dreaming away, wishing that heroes they truly exist.

[candykisses]

 

 

I like this video because it's so romantic. I wish a guy like that really existed. In a really eerie way, it takes me right back to the day when V and I met at the club & he held my hand when I was shaking in the car. Nowadays though he turned into a yelling and controlling psycho whenever he's mad, even though he tells me he's in love with me.

 

Still my favourite song of all time though.

[candykisses]

so yes I think he's right.

[candykisses]

I think I can be too naive at times. How stupid was I for talking to him. It's something I've never done before. Some people look for the ulterior motives in everything when I have none.

 

I think that's what guy after guy mean universally when they say that they wanna protect me. Now I understand. Because I'm a bunch of effed up dichotomies.

 

 

 

 

As for V, I think it's time I give him my whole heart.

[candykisses]

I used to be emotionally devoid but this one? He makes me feel something.

[candykisses]

Heart in one place now.

[candykisses]

"Yeah, she know what she doin' (Yeah, yeah, yeah) She doin' that right thang; She don't know what she is doing....I'm in luv with a stripper"

 

"She's a girl who can't help anyone - not even herself."

 

"Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm going to make them alive. But I'm just an effed up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind."

[candykisses]

Share my life,

Take me for what I am.

'Cause I'll never change

All my colors for you.

[candykisses]

 

 

There's only two types of people in the world

The ones that entertain and the ones that observe

Well baby, I'm a put-on-a-show kind of girl

Don't like the backseat, gotta be first

 

I'm like a ringleader, I call the shots

I'm like a firecracker I make it hot

When I put on a show

 

I feel the adrenaline moving through my veins

Spotlight on me and I'm ready to break

I'm like a performer, the dancefloor is my stage

 

There's only two types of guys out there

Ones that can hang with me, and ones that are scared.

[candykisses]

Today! Going to the beach to read a book No man, no guy friends...just me, myself, and I.

 

Need to clear my head. It's about time. Which is what I thought I was doing when I went on vacation with him - I needed a getaway to clear my head. But ever since the vacation, I had been beyond confused about my path in life and that is when I realize that - you cannot clear your head with a man beside you.

 

It's time to really evaluate what I want out of life. He wants for me...a lifestyle I'm not sure I want.

 

Sorry baby, I don't need the car keys or the cheese. I can take or leave that.

[candykisses]

Phone OFF today!

[candykisses]

Lost touch with my soul

I had no where to turn

I had no where to go

Lost sight of my dream,

Thought it would be the end of me

I thought I’d never make it through

I had no hope to hold on to,

I thought I would break

 

I didn’t know my own strength

And I crashed down, and I tumbled

But I did not crumble

I got through all the pain

I didn’t know my own strength

Survived my darkest hour

My faith kept me alive

I picked myself back up

Hold my head up high

I was not built to break

I didn’t know my own strength

 

Found hope in my heart,

I found the light to life

My way out the dark

Found all that I need

Here inside of me

I thought I’d never find my way

I thought I’d never lift that weight

I thought I would break

 

I didn’t know my own strength

And I crashed down, and I tumbled

But I did not crumble

I got through all the pain

I didn’t know my own strength

Survived my darkest hour

My faith kept me alive

I picked myself back up

Hold my head up high

I was not built to break

I didn’t know my own strength

 

There were so many times I

Wondered how I’d get through the night I

Thought took all I could take

 

I didn’t know my own strength

And I crashed down, and I tumbled

But I did not crumble

I got through all the pain

I didn’t know my own strength

Survived my darkest hour

My faith kept me alive

I picked myself back up

Hold my head up high

I was not built to break

I got to know my own strength

[candykisses]

All I need is time, a moment that is mine

 

if u look at me closely

You will see it my eyes

This girl will always find her way

 

There is no need to protect me

Its time that I

Learn to face up to this on my own

[candykisses]

Hmm.

 

How can I feel so intense one moment then so nonchalant and freaked out the next? How to stop being "hot and cold"? How to have stable emotions?

[candykisses]

"The btch doesn't know what she wants...but I still love her." - V

[candykisses]

Now I may not be the worst or the best but you gotta respect my HONESTY! Sad but true.

[candykisses]

^ I actually really like this song. I think it's calming and refreshing.

 

 

Nate said something wise on msn last night. He said..."of all the years I've known you...you know why you're always complaining where the "normal" guys are in this city? You're all about the newness, the excitement; the "spark." When it's not there, you won't even give them a chance. You write them off and "friendzone" them. Then you can't complain when your boyfriend ends up being a crazy person. You fail to notice that what's good for you is usually right in front of you. ...Give one of your guy friends a chance."

 

"..the reason why you seem to be stuck in a cycle of dating/attracting "crazies" is because of YOU. You're highly intimidating. Guys are attracted – but combine that with the many dichotomies you are, and it’s intimidating... .the only guys with the guts to "chase" you are self-confident, experienced, smooth player type guys who are used to getting chicks. And because of the influx of self-confident, players that come your way, you end up wondering where the "normal" guys are, trying to figure out what you're doing wrong."

 

Haha. Gotta love the white guys.

 

It’s not that I’ve never been approached by a shy guy or failed to notice that they’re interested in me. It’s just, their game is usually so weak that they usually don’t stay on my mind...or they don’t have the guts to hang around. Or they’re just too afraid. They can't "handle it," so to speak.

 

Hmm. But yea what he said is kinda along the same lines of what this person has been saying too.

 

The onus is on ME.

[candykisses]

Sometimes I run, sometimes I hide

Sometimes I'm scared of you. But all I really want is to hold you tight

Treat you right, be with you day and night

Baby all I need is time.

[candykisses]

I'm crying.

[candykisses]

I don't know why I love to push people away.

 

I dont give a sht anymore. Here it is: STRAIGHT UP.

 

So many issues in my life right now that's working in combination to make me cry. History keeps on effin repeating itself, over and over, and over, and over.......how do I make it stop? I make it stop, by not dating. Ok. But I can't, unfortunately.

 

ISSUE #1

 

 

 

 

I'm sorry; not that I don't have feelings for you. It's just a shame that you live in another galaxy...far, far, away. I wish things never got so complicated.

 

The issue runs deep.

 

Do you understand????? how hard it is for me to not date??? I MISS MY DAD. Of course there is nothing missing in my life! I wonder what that missing factor is hmm! I thought I moved on from it, but apparently I haven't. It was the most painful thing/loss that's happened in my life....losing him to sickness at such a young age. I wasn't old enough to understand it at the time. There is someone in my life atm whom I'd like to try things out with. Details don't matter. Even if I end it with him tomorrow, how do I know I'm not just gonna jump into the arms of another man, who's waiting right around the corner? And riddle me this: what if I meet someone as I live my life, whom I'm interested in, naturally, THROUGH staying on the grind? How do I refrain myself from trying things out with THAT guy? I want to find out what falling in love feels like -- I've never been.

 

"Men can't fill our voids, candy" - random psychologist

 

IT SURE CAN FILL MINE!

 

I'm just an effed up girl who's looking for my own piece of mind. Don't assign me yours.

 

I want to take a giant leap of faith, I do. All I need is time. The ideal situation is that I don't date at all during this period (i.e. don't date, focus on oneself, have a relationship with oneself etc etc) That's like asking a crack addict to quit crack. I love going on dates. Dates are so fun.

 

But for your sake, I will refrain from all that. And I did TRY! I HAVE. I'm not sure what you want from me. Do you want me to say no to dates?

 

What seems to be the issue here? Hmm I just can't understand.

[candykisses]

Do you want me to end things with this person who's in my life atm? Please be more direct because I can't read your mind.