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So who pays?

alive_inside

By alive_inside
in Dating Advice

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alive_inside Apprentice

alive_inside

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So i'm just recently breaking things off with this guy I've been seeing over the past month-- there were lots of red flags along the way that I chose to ignore for whatever reason, one of them being the whole money situation. He insisted on paying on the first date, but from there on out, he became more and more unwilling to pay for our meals...including my $6 salad...sparking some nasty fights and ending in me giving in to paying for 2 subsequent dates.

 

I've been talking to another guy from an online dating site for the past week or so (hey, we weren't official, he made that clear) and he asked me out to dinner this friday. I've always stuck by the idea that guys should pay, but after that whole fiasco, have been questioning my theory.

 

I want things to get off on the right foot with this new guy, so my question is, should I just tell him I'd like to pay for my half? And in general, what do you think about guys paying. I used to think that it was okay, as long as each other were willing to switch off once in while. Is there a proper etiquette to it?

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newwave Community Regular

newwave

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Nothing is official, but this is my opinion: first meeting (this pertains mostly to online) I will pay for my drink and feel uncomfortable if he pays, especially if he won't get a date. First date, depends on who asks out, but generally speaking the guy usually pays, though I offer money. I'd probably feel uncomfortable if the guy expected me to pay my half, or worse yet expect me to pay for everything. After that, I play it by ear.

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FathomFear Contributor

FathomFear

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This debate has raged many times on this forum. Everyone will have a different opinion. Personally speaking, I think it's an outdated/irrelevant convention to expect men to pay. We're not exactly living in an age where women don't make money (in fact, if you look at today's news it's the opposite--according to census data more women than men are obtaining professional degrees). We also don't live in an age where women are nothing more than prizes or vessels for creating children.

 

Having said that, I'd say whoever initiates a date should offer to pay--at least the first time around. But after regular dating starts I don't see why one person should be paying every time.

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secretness87 Enthusiast

secretness87

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I always go by this rule: whoever does the inviting, pays.

 

So in your case with the new guy, I think he should pay. If I was in your shoes, I'd assume he'd pay, but I'd bring money with me just to be prepared if he wants to split the check. After we would be done eating, and the check comes, I usually pull out my wallet out of habit, and expecting that I'm gonna pay, but normally the guy always stops me and insists he pays. So I would just thank him. Doing that also shows that you're not just expecting a free meal.

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FathomFear Contributor

FathomFear

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I always go by this rule: whoever does the inviting, pays.

 

I think that's fine--to a certain point. I think many people (especially straight women) who have that view also believe that they should never initiate anything. It's rather...convenient, shall we say. But it's fine in the context where both parties are initiating at a somewhat equal pace.

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bebeblondie Collaborator

bebeblondie

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Personally I think the man should always pay for the first date, if I had to shell out my half for the first date, there definitely would not be a second date! And to the poster who said more women are now getting professional degrees (that maybe true) men on average still make more money than women do. Yes, there are women out there who are CEOs and are making top salary, however I guarantee you the men they are dating are still paying for the first date lol.

 

That being said, I think it's a bit different if you're in your late teens or early twenties, people that age generally don't have much money because they are in school/college. So in this situation as the girl, I would always offer to pay for my half and not be bothered if he accepts.

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annie24 Grand Master

annie24

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welcome to enotalone. I am always ready to pay for my half. I reach for my purse and half the time the guy stops me. I still pay if he doesn't stop me.

 

yeah, i think that this issue has been discussed to death here on this site! i think for as many women who think a man must pay for all the dates, there are tons of guys out there who will be turned off by that attitude.

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Cognitive_Canine Enthusiast

Cognitive_Canine

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Even if the guy insists?

 

Well, I guess I shouldn't say always. If he wants to get into a fight about it...fine, he can pay for the first date. I'm not about to bite his arm off as he reaches for the check. I'll protest but only so far. But, I wouldn't want it to be anything else but 50/50 in a relationship.

 

My boyfriend was the type that insisted. But, he's gotten over it. I just, frankly, do not feel comfortable with him paying for everything. We make the same amount of money and are contributing the same into the relationship. Makes no sense that I'm somehow special (or maybe being treated as inadequate) in this situation.

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OntheWire Apprentice

OntheWire

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Well, I guess I shouldn't say always. If he wants to get into a fight about it...fine, he can pay for the first date. I'm not about to bite his arm off as he reaches for the check. I'll protest but only so far. But, I wouldn't want it to be anything else but 50/50 in a relationship.

 

My boyfriend was the type that insisted. But, he's gotten over it. I just, frankly, do not feel comfortable with him paying for everything. We make the same amount of money and are contributing the same into the relationship. Makes no sense that I'm somehow special (or maybe being treated as inadequate) in this situation.

 

An even split in a relationship is good.

 

But I do make a point of paying for the first date. Etiquette aside, offering to pay helps me gauge interest. If she absolutely refuses to let me pay, then I assume she'd feel guilty because she's not really interested. Of course, that's no fool-proof line of thought, but it's been accurate for the most part.

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sophie274 Mentor

sophie274

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Honestly, given how many different opinions there are, I would say my rule would be:

 

- always sincerely offer to pay for your share, and be ready to pay if he accepts your offer

- if he pays for you on the first few dates, make sure to eventually reciprocate (or at least show good faith by paying for drinks or a cab or whatever)

- don't make any judgments/assumptions about him being cheap based on whether or not he pays for your first few dates, or whether you two split them. Doesn't seem like that means much nowadays

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Cognitive_Canine Enthusiast

Cognitive_Canine

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Posted
An even split in a relationship is good.

 

But I do make a point of paying for the first date. Etiquette aside, offering to pay helps me gauge interest. If she absolutely refuses to let me pay, then I assume she'd feel guilty because she's not really interested. Of course, that's no fool-proof line of thought, but it's been accurate for the most part.

 

If my boyfriend does pay it all, I pay for the next date.

 

Sometimes I just call him up and say "I'm going to take you out. Where do you want to go?" and pay for everything. It ends up being 50/50 somewhere down the line, but we don't nickle and dime each other. When we go to movies, I'll pay for tickets, him for refreshments. The next time, we switch paying roles. We're big movie people so this is just our thing.

 

When we rent, he typically pays the money because it's his blockbuster account. But, I bring the kettle corn and cola.

 

For birthdays, the one person treats the other completely, including driving the other person around. We don't celebrate anniversaries or valentine's day. Sometimes we'll buy each other candy bars or a book for valentine's day.

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FathomFear Contributor

FathomFear

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Yes, there are women out there who are CEOs and are making top salary, however I guarantee you the men they are dating are still paying for the first date lol.

 

I'm sure they are. The convention is still popular. What I'm saying is that there's really no good reason for the convention. ie, there's no intrinsic reason why women deserve more than men to have a date paid for them.

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alive_inside Apprentice

alive_inside

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Honestly, given how many different opinions there are, I would say my rule would be:

 

- always sincerely offer to pay for your share, and be ready to pay if he accepts your offer

- if he pays for you on the first few dates, make sure to eventually reciprocate (or at least show good faith by paying for drinks or a cab or whatever)

- don't make any judgments/assumptions about him being cheap based on whether or not he pays for your first few dates, or whether you two split them. Doesn't seem like that means much nowadays

 

I typically always offer to pay for myself when I go out, especially out on dates. I've just been totally caught off guard by this last guy I was with. He made me feel bad for expecting him to pay, so I ended up paying the whole $40 bill for our 2nd date.

 

He was so hell-bent on me paying him back, and apparently the nice things I did for him just wouldn't suffice. I just don't want the situation to happen again, ever.

 

So what I gather is that if he initiates the date, and if it's the first date, he should pay. That's pretty much what I went by as well. Thanks for the responses!

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Organs Rookie

Organs

Posted
Posted

Sometimes I go Dutch (we split the bill) and I admit it is often my girl buys my drinks and some of my meals. But I often cook for her and spend some $30 on ingredients for pasta sauce, and there's the rest of the time when I pay for the meal (for both of us).

 

So...I guess you gotta go with what works for the both of you.

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Organs Rookie

Organs

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Disagree habs!!! Boy is responsible for initiating second date. Boy is responsible for paying for second date!!! Get some game. You dudes suck. I feel bad for any girl that is asked to pay for anything. I never have been! EVER!

 

Quite the progressive, eh? Lighten up, accept some responsibility, and join us in the twenty-first century.

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