Do I tell him?

[BellaStranger]

My ex and I have been broken up for nearly 2 months now... it has been really hard on me and a real roller coaster of emotion- one day I'm up, next I'm as low as ever. NC hasn't worked... as in, not speaking to him is totally impossible.... for both of us, but we have agreed to make an honest go of being friends... even if it's hard right now. I'm not over him, I still love him, I still want him back.

 

Heres the thing... I have a really good friend who lives and works in Bahrain, who has asked me to come and visit for a week at the beginning of June, I haven't been to see him since he moved last year and I really could do with the break and the change of scene. As suggested, this friend is a guy friend and my ex HATED him... he always felt there was more between us than friendship and has even, during the break up, said he has always felt deep down that if this guy hadnt moved to Bahrain, he would have made a move on me and I would have chosen him. This isn't the case at all, I have been friends with this guy for 8 years and although we dated briefly all those years ago, we were always better suited as friends... our relationship was never even sexual, it was that brief! In order to help my ex feel better about this friendship while we were together, because I truly believed he was the one and we would be together forever, I have neglected and ignored my friend for over a year. I feel lucky that he still cares about me and want to be there for me when I am having a hard time.

 

My problem is: do I tell my ex that I am going away to visit my friend?

On one hand, I dont owe him anything- he broke up with me, broke my heart and has made it very (painfully) clear that he doesn't want me back. I can do what I want and I dont have to pander to his insecurities anymore.

On the other hand, this is going to make him really angry- if there IS any chance that he will change his mind, this will probably kill it, because he will think he was right all along!! It might even stop us from being able to be friends.

On top of this- chances are my ex WILL find out anyway, I work at the same company as his mum, sister and step dad- so they are all going to know i've taken time off and will probably ask where I'm going- so if I dont tell them it would involve actually lying and if I do tell them and he finds out from them- it will look like I have something to hide... wont it?

 

OR am I wrong for going at all? Should I need to honor a promise I made to my ex that I wouldn't speak my friend, to make him feel more secure, after we have broken up?

[SadAndy]

i can relate to your problem. I still seem to worry about upsetting my ex (also 2 months ago) even though she too has made it clear that she loves a new bloke.

Tell him, if he gets the hump just say that you are single now so it doesn't matter.

[Mauxly]

You are single, this guy has absolutely no say in what you do. He's made it clear that he doesn't want you, he cannot control your actions. Go and live your life.

[happylady]

Not to be disrespectful but I cannot believe you are even asking this question... He broke it off with you and you owe him nothing. I really don't even think you should be his friend so soon after the breakup. Esp when you are still so intent of getting back with him after he made it painfully clear he doesnt want you back. How are you going to heal? You wont. You are hanging onto something that is no longer there and the price you are paying is your pride and self respect. i would definetly go on this trip and no your bf doesnt have to know.

[DN]

I can understand your dilemma. Of course, your ex has no say and since he has said he doesn't want to reconcile then you should do as you want to do. But if you do it will confirm in his mind his suspicions about you and this guy and kill any slight chance that he may change his mind. Personally I would go since he has said he doesn't want you back and it is always best to proceed on the basis that people mean what they say.

[BellaStranger]

Well... I booked my ticket... I still feel very anxious though. I always seem to make the wrong decisions.

[zinny]

BellaStranger, I understand your frustration but I can almost guarantee you that anyone here will tell you to go. Because you are not doing anything wrong, your ex is your ex and you don't need to worry about his feelings.

 

On the flip side, yes, this may effect him profoundly... it can be negative or it can be not negative. Unfortunately no one person will tell you how he will react.

 

I have been in your shoes... my best guy friends in the world... they HATED my ex with a passion and vice versa. I cut them out of my life out of respect for my ex because I would of done anything for him. And my ex ended up not being worth it... I almost lost friendships of over 15 years to a couple of guys that have always been there for me for someone who was able to hurt me again and again without hesitation for his own selfish needs.

 

When my ex left me... I let my guy friends back in... and they came back without hesitation. Because they are like my brothers and I regret how I neglected them. I spend an enormous amount of time with them... and my ex found out and he freaked, he told me he was devastated and how he would never recover. And how apparently I ruined things even though HE had already left me and was spending time with his ex-gf. He told me we had no chance... but in the end, he came back again and he got over it. And you know why? because I didn't care anymore.... I grew a backbone again and I began to be selfish and care for me and me alone. I think once he knew his ultimatums don't work when you've hurt someone, he quickly changed his tune.

 

Whether or not your ex reacts the way mine did... by the way - he's still my ex because he's still a selfish, self centered jerk - the point is... you need to stop worrying about him and stop living your life for his needs. He's your ex... and stopping your life in hopes to not hurt someone who isn't thinking about your feelings right now... that's not worth it.... go on your trip and have a blast...

[BellaStranger]

Okay.... so.... if we take out of the equation that I dont go.... I'm going and I don't care if he objects........ Do I tell him? Or let him find out??

[DN]

Of course you tell him.

[abigheart]

Also agree with happylady - you owe him NOTHING.

 

All I could think while reading this thread was how I was feeling similarly a week ago. It's also been 2 months since the break-up...anyway, since then I've always been thinking about what HE'S thinking, how HE might feel, what I SHOULD HAVE/HAVEN'T done in order to figure out how HE feels. See where I'm going with this? You should feel free to do as you want. He is your ex, he can't hold you back from doing or saying anything.

 

Personally, I think I would only mention it if he asked what's been new, what you did this weekend...that sort of thing. I wouldn't just mention it out of the blue. If he asks, so what? I think you need to let go of that fear of disappointing or making him angry or sad. I'm learning to undo that because you know what? Bottom line is, he let me go. Why should I even AFTER he's dumped me care about how he's going to feel if I do something with someone he dislikes.

 

Think for yourself, not for him.

 

Oh, and on the other hand, if he has to "find out" instead, so what?! You're no longer in a relationship, you're not doing anything "behind his back" as you would if you were still with him. Yes, I know you guys are trying to do the friends thing but you're delaying your progress to move forward if you keep worrying about how he's going to take things.

[BellaStranger]

I think you need to let go of that fear of disappointing or making him angry or sad.

 

Thank you all for your responses! They have helped me put things in perspective... particuarly this sentance above! I have always been in fear of doing things that would upset or annoy him and this really hit home- I DONT HAVE TO DO THAT ANY MORE!! I need to re-learn the process of making decisions on my own without having to worry about anyone else.

 

So far, I haven't told him, but I have decided to be very careful never to lie to him. If he asks, I'll tell him and if he find out I'll tell him... and if he shouts at me I'll just put the truth he chose back to him 'it's not his concern anymore'. Chances are, nearer the time he will ask me what I'm up to and I'll be able to tell him then without making a big deal of it!

[zinny]

Thank you all for your responses! They have helped me put things in perspective... particuarly this sentance above! I have always been in fear of doing things that would upset or annoy him and this really hit home- I DONT HAVE TO DO THAT ANY MORE!! I need to re-learn the process of making decisions on my own without having to worry about anyone else.

 

So far, I haven't told him, but I have decided to be very careful never to lie to him. If he asks, I'll tell him and if he find out I'll tell him... and if he shouts at me I'll just put the truth he chose back to him 'it's not his concern anymore'. Chances are, nearer the time he will ask me what I'm up to and I'll be able to tell him then without making a big deal of it!

 

That's one of the most grown up reactions/choices that I've read.... I'm glad you are going and you are 110% correct in stating that you don't have to openly call him to let him know your whereabouts but if he asks, you don't have any reason to lie to him. He's your ex and this is YOUR life... so enjoy your trip and have a fantastic time!

[BellaStranger]

He asked me today- so as I promised to myself- I told him the truth! He scoffed and even asked if this friend of mine paid for my ticket to get me in to bed!!! I just didn't dignify it with a response and he apologised straight away and told me to have a good time. I could see it written all over his face that he was NOT HAPPY, but he behaved himself- so that's all I can ask for right?!

[sphx26]

Yes, he asked for it, he broke up with you, so he should at least take responsibility of the consequences of breaking up with you.

 

Anyway, I agree with what someone posted on here, you can't be friends with him right away, it just slows the healing process. It's all about you now.