ADVICE FROM MEN NEEDED-Recently back with Ex -issues, HELP !

[raquel765]

I recently got back together with my ex-boyfriend - we dated about 3 years ago and we started talking about 1 year ago, and dating about 2 months so far.....the original reason we broke up was not a bad one...just both immature, and we went too fast too soon. plus, he has mentioned i am the girl his sisters and mom want for him - and he knows I am a good-girl that way....

 

So, he has been sweet and trying to win me over by being a gentleman, considerate, etc.....it has been nice. Even though he has casually mentioned being serious, the downside to us being "serious" is that I will be going to law school in the Fall in Washington DC...and he is in LA. So we are just enjoying each other's company....getting reacquainted, while he says he will visit me.

 

The shocker the other day (I need help making sense of this)....he told me, after a great weekend together, that he was going out Sun nite with a friend, and after my questioning, he told me he was going to a play with his most recent ex-girlfriend. And he seemed to make it a big deal, by saying he was making reservations at a restaurant and getting ready for the nite...so I was hurt, even though I never said anything.

 

HISTORY tells me she broke up with him to return to her EX, she has broken up with him since....she is single. And he tells me he is interested in her, but she is not. But they are just friends now.

 

So my question, why would he date me with full-interest - and still casually mention he was interested in his ex-girlfriend.....is he confused or being hurtful? any opinions are great What is best form of action to take next?

 

Thanks,

Confused Girl

[bleeder]

Hi Raquel,

 

No worries. I think he IS the confused one here, not you.

 

Cut him loose. I do not think that a man who's undecisive is appealing in any way. He could be straddling you on so that he might possess the best of both worlds, just in case if things do not work out with his ex.

 

Make your stand.

[lady00]

Hey,

Sorry to say this but it sounds like he is playing you! He shouldn't be going out with his ex on what can only be construed as a date, especially since he told you that he is interested in her. Maybe he sees the future long-distance issue as a problem and wants to see if he can get back with this ex of his. Will she near him in the future when you go to DC? This whole situation seems fishy to me. You never told him you were hurt. I say, let him know that the situation bothers you a lot. Maybe he's clueless or maybe he's playing you. You mentioned that the reason you broke up in the first place was immaturity. His behavior right now seems kind of immature. Maybe you've grown more than he has. Good luck and I hope this whole thing works out for you.

[johnagent1911]

This may come as a surprise but sometimes guys don't think before speaking.

[lunatic]

There are two things here that bother me. First, is he telling you all this because he wants to be honest with you and he does not want to pull any punches behind your back. How old is this guy because he seems (sounds) immature to me. I mean he maybe playing you right now with the threat of another woman to draw you in. He might be telling you the truth because he respects you. I don't know but, I would watch my back with this one because he is definitely confused. Let this one go and see what happens. If he comes back then it was meant to be and if not then better off finding out now. Personally, I would lose this one because if he doesn't want know what he wants then make that decision for him(that is my opinion atleast). What ever you do I wish you the best of luck.

 

Hubman01

[raquel765]

About the last response, he is 26 years old....I am 24 years old...I think of myself as mature for my age, I know myself pretty well, I know what I want in a guy & am pretty straightforward with people in general...

 

But i echo all your responses and reasoning to this situation....he is confused, I know that! but what bothers me is that he tells me ALL the details, even though as a girl being curious and all and I asked questions of this girl - when he should not be that upfront if he is confused...

 

Hubman - thanks for your input! I agree....I think I should let him loose - and maybe in part it is good than confronting him about this since we are not "officially" anything - and the fact that I will be moving in two months to go to law school may be a contributing part of why he is doing this, maybe being defensive....

 

Either way, this is no excuse for the back-and-forth with another girl....but I want to not get hurt in the end and keep the upper-hand, so I will back off for now..does that sound good to you guys?

 

Thanks

[Dyamond]

Not a male, but I had to reply to this post.

 

Did I miss something? Where is the confusion on his part. No man that is interested in you would mention that he is interested in his ex, still! The best way to clear up any confusion is to ask him where you two stand, being he is "interested" in his ex.

 

Wow, men absolutely floor me with their CANDOR = stupidity.....

 

Best of luck!!!!

[bleeder]

Yes, Raquel, to reinstate my point, cut him loose. You are better off that way than being with someone who cares not about your feelings.

 

Bringing his ex into the picture is a major taboo. Keep the faith in yourself and move on.

[candianeh2000]

I think an old proverb is appropriate here.

 

"If you hit me once, shame on you. If you hit me twice, shame on me"

 

In other words, this sounds too strange. I can't believe he would say something like that to you if you are dating, whether its serious or not. First of all, I'm not even sure that 2 people who date seriously can ever then go back to casual dating.....this makes it seem even odder that he would say this. And I can't imagine he was making a joke, that doesn't make any sense either. My guess is that he is trying to make you jealous. And if this is the case, don't play his games, just get rid of him cause that is a lousy thing to do as he is playing with your emotions.

 

Don't let him hit you again!

[ShuShu Fontana]

I agree that guys don't think a lot of the time, before they say or do things. I alos think he is trying to get away with as much as he can and he may very well be "going through" something and trying to "figure out what he wants" but in telling you everything he is only hurting you.

 

Make the choice for him. You're not confused. Don't be his backburner lover. It's time for this guy to sh!t or get off the pot.

[melrich]

Raquel, u said in your opening post that you are the girl his mom and sisters want him to marry? Often guys will hook up with girls they think they should hook up with (same for girls probably) that is the person they think everyone else will approve of..friends, family etc. This happens time and time again and is a major reason so many marriages fail. We date/marry people that we think we should, often not the people we want to. I am guessing a bit here but I feel as though this guy may think of you as more of a sister than a girlfriend. I am sure he does really like you a lot but it does not sound like he wants an intimate relationship with you. You have become a comfortable option for him, he feels he can confide in you, his relationship with you keeps his family happy and probably off his back and in the meantime he can pursue potential partners that he is interested in. Break it off with him but keep him as a friend. I don't think he has really done so much wrong, at your ages you are allowed to make mistakes.

[lunatic]

I agree with alot of the posts that came after mine. Cut him loose and make that decision for him. I think you should find someone who knows what they want and you might want to wait till you get into law school. If you want this guy as a friend then do that but, the possibility of a romantic relationship is not advised because you will get hurt in the end. Let him go and figure out what he needs to figure out.

 

Good luck,

Hubman

[raquel765]

Hey thank you so much for your male perspective...well, I have something to add to what you said and I want to hear what you have to say....

 

so, when I made the comment that I am the type of girl his sisters & mom want him to marry - it is also because he also values in me my dedication to pursuing a law degree and also how into Judaism I am (he is Jewish too, so I know he likes my involvement in the community, he wants to learn more)

 

I meant that comment more to mean that we have lots in common - and we had this amazing spark of chemistry when we originally dated (I was 21 he was 23, so we were young, immature) - the thing is that I have grown, matured - he has in his way, but I think now at 26 he enjoys the chase of women....

 

I know I am leaving to DC in the Fall - but how should I continue things from this point - from a guys perspective, do you think he is keeping in contact with his latest EX to be defensive/protect his feelings since he knows I am leaving? What do you make of it? can I say anything w/regards to him seeing his ex, or is it none of my business since we are nothing officially?

 

we do have an amazing understanding of each other...and I know he recognizes that too.....but just maybe he is not ready for the right girl, or at least needs to play the field....give me your take on this, gracias