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How long is too long?


Ammy

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Hey guys,

 

I know I have high expectations of others, but I don't think I'm expecting too much here... But how long is too long when it comes to delay in emails online?

 

I started emailing this guy online last weekend. He replied within 1-2 days to the first 2 emails. His replies were lengthy (he started sending essay responses and quite in depth in terms of content about his life). The last email he sent me rambled on and said 'sorry this sounds like email therapy, please tell me more about you?'. That was on Tuesday night. I emailed Wed afternoon and nothing since. It has been the long weekend.. But this is still a LONG time?

 

I don't get it, he seemed so super keen and I wasted a subscription stamp contacting him.

 

I am chatting to others, so I'm not super invested, but still...

 

Ami

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Pretty much everyone is waste of time at the moment Miss Kitty.... 5 in a row of one or two email wonders. I don't get it. I never had such a hard time securing a first meeting before. I must have an invisible "stay away from me" vibe going on...

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Pretty much everyone is waste of time at the moment Miss Kitty.... 5 in a row of one or two email wonders. I don't get it. I never had such a hard time securing a first meeting before. I must have an invisible "stay away from me" vibe going on...

No, it's not you...trust me! It's been awhile since I did on-line dating, but I did it for well over a year and had the same problem.

 

Ammy, I did find certain sites were better than others in terms of people looking for something serious vs just browsing, looking to hook up.

 

I liked EH best. I met a lot of people on POF, that wasn't a bad site - but I had to sift through a lot of bad ones to meet some good ones.

 

These guys are bombarded with too many choices (i.e. women)...I guess it's hard for them to pick just one! That is why I wouldn't waste my time with the ones who put forth such little effort (i.e. not calling/emailing as much) and focus on the ones who continue to show a steady level of interest.

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It is the Easter weekend - perhaps he went away or has been to see family.

 

Normally, 3 days or more would say to me 'not that interested' but since it's a holiday weekend and he's prone to spending time on his responses, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

Someone can like the look of you from your profile, and then once you talk decide it doesn't feel quite right. Plus, some men cast their nets very wide in order to get any responses at all, and then weed women out accordingly after they get a reply.

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I wouldn't let Easter weekend play into your decision, Ammy. He could have found time since Wednesday to email you, call you, or shoot you a text. Toss this one back into the pond. You've been through enough lately without adding more onto your plate.

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I wouldn't let Easter weekend play into your decision, Ammy. He could have found time since Wednesday to email you, call you, or shoot you a text. Toss this one back into the pond. You've been through enough lately without adding more onto your plate.

 

He could have gone away for the weekend. Not everyone is chained to email all the time. Not everyone checks their email or even has access to their email while away.

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He could have gone away for the weekend. Not everyone is chained to email all the time. Not everyone checks their email or even has access to their email while away.

Sorry, but I don't buy that as an excuse to not contact her. And I doubt he's been gone since Wednesday, which is when she last contacted him. He could have just shot her a text or something, even if he did go away.

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I agree that it doesn't necessarily mean he isn't interested in this case because of the holiday. Who knows where he is or what he is doing. But on the other hand, if he did go away and knew he would not have internet access, the polite thing to do would be to inform her of this before he left so that she would not be left wondering.

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Yeah, that's kind of a long time. I can't say how other guys act, but if I lose interest then I usually start sending short responses or commenting or really obscure things like how much the aged cheddar costs now at the local winery. The other typical emotion I often face is a fear of engagement (not the wedding-type engagement, but engagement as in battle terminology). If I really like the person, but feel I'm not quite in a good enough place for them, then sometimes I'll delay response or cut off contact.

 

In any case, there's not much you can do but move on. Just realize it's not always you...sometimes they may really like you, but they just don't have their stuff together in their own eyes yet.

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Not sure what you mean by "super keen" - he showed interest in typing to you and in typing long e-mails to a stranger. That's it. To read into it as keen interest in meeting you in person I think is a stretch. He might have met someone yesterday he liked, he might have a girlfriend, he might have decided he simply enjoys having a chat buddy/e-mail therapy. I never expected to hear from people again unless we had a specific time/place to meet in person. And I didn't try to analyze a level of interest in meeting, much less in dating me, from e-mails that were written before we met in person.

 

What I would have done is cut to the chase after one or two e-mails and said something like "thanks for the e-mail - you're a great writer! - I much prefer talking to typing to see if it makes sense to meet - do you have a number where I can reach you? Thanks."

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I agree. While I am not the type who would have asked for his number, I agree with Batya about cutting to the chase fairly quickly in the on-line world. Otherwise, you just end up spinning your wheels. For me, I never extended the email thing past a few emails. If they didn't ask for my number by a few emails, I assumed they had moved on, met someone else, whatever.

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I agree with Batya, too. After a couple of e-mails back and forth, I would suggest meeting up in person, which is the only way to figure out if you guys are compatible or not. In response to your original question, 3 days for an e-mail response is my limit. However, if he e-mails you on Monday and mentions that he was out of town for the holiday weekend, I might cut him some slack. But, in response, I would suggest meeting up for coffee or something. You want to date, not just have an e-mail chat buddy.

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I would only have expectations if he had promised to call you on a specific day or to e-mail you on a specific day.

I never had a problem asking a guy for his number (I didn't want to give out mine until we spoke, for safety reasons) who was a stranger I contacted on line (or who contacted me). It was obvious to me that the reason we were on line was to find someone to date, and what's the point of waiting based on gender - it's two strangers who have no clue if there will be a spark in person, so the faster you can find out and meet, the better. Asking to talk by phone to me showed sincere interest on my part in getting to know the person potentially in real life - and had no downside, the way it could if we met in person and then I asked him out on a date.

 

Later, if he didn't ask me out on a date after we met in person I was comfortable assuming it was because he was not interested or not available to date but extending that "gender difference" all the way back to "who asked to speak on the phone first" was a good way for me to miss out on opportunities.

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Actually, I do not own anything that allows me to email someone when I am not near a computer. So if I go away for a few days I am out of touch with my email..you can't always find places (that don't cost an arm and a leg) to access a computer. I think in this computer age and text messaging age, people expect everyone to be on call 24/7 and that is a bit ridiculous. So early in the interaction process he did not owe it to her to tell her if he is going away. The last interaction was Wednesday and now it is only Sunday. Sure, he may have met someone else or may no longer be interested...but it is also equally possible he went away or got tied up with the long holiday weekend. I think it is ridiculous to immediately jump to conclusions so quickly and write him off as being a jerk or not interested.

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FWIW once men get into that 'confessional' mode I know I've lost them. It took me a long time to realise this! And it happens a LOT to me.

 

In the end it was about changing my responses and making sure the correspondence was equal. You wouldn't expect all that cr - er - stuff on a first date...

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Sorry, but I don't buy that as an excuse to not contact her. And I doubt he's been gone since Wednesday, which is when she last contacted him. He could have just shot her a text or something, even if he did go away.

 

I don't agree. Where does this obligation to email someone you just met online every x days come from? In my mind, if you just met someone online they should be at the bottom of your priority list, especially around a holiday.

 

I am talking to a couple girls online. Went on a date with one before Easter vacation; was supposed to go out with the other before as well, but we couldn't fit it in.

 

I haven't talked to them over break, and I don't think they are upset. If they are, I would probably take it as a sign that they are too emotionally needy.

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I don't agree. Where does this obligation to email someone you just met online every x days come from? In my mind, if you just met someone online they should be at the bottom of your priority list, especially around a holiday.

 

I am talking to a couple girls online. Went on a date with one before Easter vacation; was supposed to go out with the other before as well, but we couldn't fit it in.

 

I haven't talked to them over break, and I don't think they are upset. If they are, I would probably take it as a sign that they are too emotionally needy.

 

To each his own. I would take no contact in 4 days as a sign someone is not that interested.

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Misskitty, unfortunately your conclusion (boot him out if he hasn't replied in 4 days) is so scary that if I were a guy I would run for life. Perhaps you need to examine where these beliefs come from. It may end up harming you in the long run, and scare quality men away.

 

Amy, it is good he has a life. Whether he is interested or not will become clear with time. But it is okay for people to not be available constantly, esepcially when they have just started knowing you.

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Misskitty, unfortunately your conclusion (boot him out if he hasn't replied in 4 days) is so scary that if I were a guy I would run for life. Perhaps you need to examine where these beliefs come from. It may end up harming you in the long run, and scare quality men away.

Amy, it is good he has a life. Whether he is interested or not will become clear with time. But it is okay for people to not be available constantly, esepcially when they have just started knowing you.

 

A "quality" man would be considerate enough to respond. It's okay that it wouldn't bother you, but it is enough to bother Ammy, and I agree with her.

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IMHO, shows over analysis and over eagerness. When you have just met a man, he really is under no obligation to respond within 3 days or 4 days. As for Amy, she does have a problem over analyzing, that is why she is here on ENA.

 

A quality man would have his own life, would take time to think before he acts, and he would like to take things slow if he likes a girl. It is possible that this man is not interested, but 4 days of not writing hardly shows that.

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IMHO, shows over analysis and over eagerness. When you have just met a man, he really is under no obligation to respond within 3 days or 4 days. As for Amy, she does have a problem over analyzing, that is why she is here on ENA.

 

A quality man would have his own life, would take time to think before he acts, and he would like to take things slow if he likes a girl. It is possible that this man is not interested, but 4 days of not writing hardly shows that.

 

Yes I do overanalyse, hence why I ask the question here to get a more rounded opinion. I interpret most things as lack of interest, as generally they have been. It's good to have some hope that he's just busy, but I'm still 99% sure I won't hear anything again. I have no idea why...

 

And it wouldn't even bother me that much if I had so many other potential options, but I have now been on all the major dating sites in Oz for years and even when I do a search now, there is pretty much no one who takes me interest. I have either heard from or contacted all the decent guys. Bar one, who I am meeting next week, there is no one who takes me fancy, no matter how many searches I do.

 

Unless Mr Right is just about to join up, I'm not sure I'm going to find a partner anytime this century. And yes, I know it should not to be the focus of my life, and really I do focus on many other things, but it's a huge gap and I'm done being the only single person in my friendship group.

 

Ammy

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Ammy, you really need to look for a guy offline. You are a very pretty girl, and you'd have better luck offline. I know people recommend online dating, but I think 90% of the guys on the sites aren't serious. I don't have a set time for someone to contact me, but generally speaking, after a few emails if they were sending me stupid responses (I had so many asking one question per email) I cut them off. I found that this was the majority of the issues I had.

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