I am a ticking time bomb

[Apologetic]

Hi,

 

I don't really know why I'm posting this, but it might be because I see it as an outlet, I need somewhere to write down my thoughts and let it all out.

 

Basically, the decline of my life lately has forced me into this severely depressed state, everything is going wrong, and whenever I think that things can't get any worse, they do.

 

I'm sick of the way I look, the way I act, and who I am as a person. I got rejected from two of my top choice universities, which crushed my dreams and aspirations for the future. And of course, there's a girl, a girl which I've been thoroughly obsessed with for the past for years, who will never reciprocate any of my feelings, and I can honestly say that I never see myself getting over her.

 

Therefore, I've given myself a timeline on which to improve my life, which is currently just less than 5 months away. I am hoping to lose weight, and better my personality, and work hard for the remaining months of high school. I was also planning to try and repair things between me and the girl, but my plans for that went down the drain. If I don't feel I have succeeded by the end of my timeline, I plan to kill myself, and hopefully escape from the world in which I live. I have chosen to do this at a time when I will know for certain what my future will be, and at a time where I'll be done with high school, so not as many people will find out what has happened to me, not that I think they would care that much anyway. I don't want to be selfish.

 

If you've read this far, thank you.

[Zka0954]

Killing yourself is just an easy way out. We all face hardships in our life. I didn't get accepted into any of the colleges I wanted and am now going to community college. You think i'm happy about that? Yeah i'm in high school too. I'm a senior. My parents are going through rough times now. They are always arguing and i'm always arugueing with them. My GF that I loved with all my heart broke up with me. She said she didn't love me anymore. How do you think that feels?? Not only did she not feel the same way about me, I had memories of her to torment me. Now I feel like i'll never meet anyone else even though I know I will. I feel like there's nothing left to really keep me happy and nothing to motivate me. I feel alone and unhappy. Trust me i've been VERY depressed lately. I understand how you feel. Everything that can go wrong has been going wrong in my lofe too. I mean EVERYTHING.

 

But i'm not taking the easy way out though. I'll face my problems head on. I mean that's how you can truly live life right? I know i'll get out of this rut. I'll be 1000x more expierenced too. A new person. Drugs, alchohol, smoking, suicides. It's all the easy way out. What does suicide accomplish but allow you to run away from your problems, and send you into the unknown? There comes a time in some peoples lives where we learn we have to face our own problems and take responsibility for what's wrong in our lives. I believe once that happens we become true adults. That's why I believe some people never grow up. Grow up. Face your problems. Suicide will only cause tremense pain in all those connected to you. That IS selfish. If you can't bear the pain why is it fair to give all those connected to you intense pain too? You know how it feels wh would you wish that on anyone else? Time to stop looking at things like an emotional teenager. Things will get better things will change. Time to grow up. And with that I leave a quote:

 

"It's like eating bad ramen it's part of the richness of life"

[jul-els]

If your plan doesn't work in 5 mos. then you know it didn't work. It gives you a clean slate to start all over with a new plan. The good thing about failing is it gives you nowhere to go but up. Suicide is not the answer. It would only serve to deeply wound and traumatize your friends and family and people who care about you. Therapy can help to get you to a place where you can cultivate a better relationship with yourself and learn to love yourself more. It takes a bit of work, but it's a very worthwhile pursuit. Life can be so much better. You just need to turn around the way you're looking at it. I know and believe you can achieve greatness if you really want it. You can learn to know and believe the same, if you want to.

[LLammas]

I won't lie to you, there's no easy escape.

 

I implore you, though, please look at all the options you have. I'm likely 9 or so years older than you, and I have recently come from a situation that went so horribly wrong for me that I,too, had committed to suicide. The thing is, there really is no telling in what the future may hold for you. I know it's a cliche that you don't want to hear, but it's true.

 

You have to give yourself more time to heal. Time to find alternate plans, time to recover, and time to have fun. Trust me, the best times of your life will be those random, beautiful, unplanned moments that come by so sporadically you"d never know they happened.

[Apologetic]

Thanks for all your replies.

 

The difference between what you've said and how I feel is that I know that things aren't going to get better, as time wears on, I'm only going to miss her more and more, and my failure will push down on me more and more. I don't think I've hit rock bottom just yet, because even though there isn't a lot more that can go wrong, the pain of the things that have already gone wrong will become more immense.

 

The way I look at it, if people really loved me or cared about me, then they would understand why I did it, and then they wouldn't be sad, they would be happy that I escaped from the harsh times I would have been forever trapped in.

[jul-els]

Thanks for all your replies.

 

The difference between what you've said and how I feel is that I know that things aren't going to get better, as time wears on, I'm only going to miss her more and more, and my failure will push down on me more and more. I don't think I've hit rock bottom just yet, because even though there isn't a lot more that can go wrong, the pain of the things that have already gone wrong will become more immense.

 

The way I look at it, if people really loved me or cared about me, then they would understand why I did it, and then they wouldn't be sad, they would be happy that I escaped from the harsh times I would have been forever trapped in.

 

It wouldn't seem that way to them, though. They would be shocked, traumatized and saddened. People never want to see thier loved ones die, especially in such a dramatic way. It would leave them feeling as though there might have been something they could have done because they loved you and the loss they would will feel would be painful and immense. You would basically be taking the pain you no longer wish to feel and transferring it to them.

[eonsunshine]

to OP: i know how you feel and i appreciate you share with us

to everybody: thanks for your post it helps me and i hope helped OP too.