Is divorce the right thing?

[phantomuk]

I'm a 32 year old male and have been married to my wife for 5 years. We have been together for a 8 years. We got married as I thought it was the right thing to do after my wife fell pregnant just under 5 years ago. When we first got together we were very passionate and had a lot of time for each other. I suffer from depression - possibly bi-polar. Over the years I have gradually withdrawn myself from friends and lost interest in previous pasttimes.

 

Our roles in the house changed 2 years ago when my depression got the better of me and I ended up on long-term sick from work. I then took to becoming a house-husband and my wife is now pursuing her dream career. Her job involves a lot of travelling and pressure. My depression, meanwhile, has fluctuated with episodes of self-harm and severe intoxication. However, I am starting to believe that these more desperate episodes may be due to my not being 'in love' with my wife. I do love her but now don't feel like I'm 'in love' with her.

 

Last year during a bad episode I tried, unsuccessfully to contact my previous partner. My wife found out and confronted me to which I told her (whilst drunk) that I 'wanted to see if there was anything there between us (my ex)'. My wife was understandably not happy but we patched things up. I know that getting together with my ex before my wife would be a bad idea as she had cheated on me many times and treated me terribly. I had very low self-esteem at that time.

 

Now, recently, my first love has got back in touch with me. She is also married with children. She has told me she thinks about me a lot and that I was 'the one', however, she hadn't declared any feelings for me at this current time. A rush of emotions flooded through me and I felt utterly torn at the thought of this. For weeks now my head and heart have been in turmoil. I've had dreams about my first love in which we got married and were very happy together. I know there's a certain level of nostalgia associated with these feelings and that nothing may happen but what I believe is that I have only just realised in the past 12 hours is that I am not 'in love' with my wife.

 

Since I had this thought it feels as though a heavy weight has been lifted. Is divorce the answer? I have not told my wife any of how I feel as I don't think I should until I have sought advice and pondered some more. So if there is anyone out there who can provide any kind of advice, reassurances or considerations, I would be very grateful.

 

Thankyou

[rosephase]

.My depression, meanwhile, has fluctuated with episodes of self-harm and severe intoxication. However, I am starting to believe that these more desperate episodes may be due to my not being 'in love' with my wife. I do love her but now don't feel like I'm 'in love' with her.

 

 

I'm just going to be honest. What you said right here is screwed up. If you can't take care of yourself unless you are "in" love then you need help. It's not your wife's job to keep you from self harming. That is your job. The fact that you want to turn it around and say "Well I'll be all better if I dump my wife and get back together with my ex" is just you putting you energy into the wrong places.

 

Have you tried therapy? I would say that is your first step. If not for your marriage, your children, for you. Because I promise you that not being "in" love isn't your issue. And what is going on in your head could be clouding every other part of your life.

[Keyman]

Is this a case of GIGS - Grass is Greener Syndrome? You think you could be happy with your ex because you don't think you are happy with your wife. Why did you and your ex break up? What's not to say that you do get divorced, marry your ex and live happily ever after for 5 years, fall out of love with your ex because it wasn't how you thought it would be and try to get back with your wife?

 

So often these days people treat marriage like it doesn't mean anything. I no, not feeling anything anymore get a divorce and chase someone else instead. You married your current wife for love, why don't you stop emotionally cheating on her with your exes and start trying to find love with her again?

[nutbrownhare]

If you suffer from fluctuating moods, you use alcohol to self-medicate, you're putting your moods down to your relationship with your wife AND you self-harm, it sounds more like Borderline Personality Disorder than bipolar - not that it's any less distressing. You haven't described any features which sound psychotic in your post. The other possibility is that if you are over-using alcohol - which is a depressant in its own right, it's likely to exacerbate any other problems you're having.

 

The 'in-love' feeling at the start of a relationship cannot possibly last - though, ideally, it will lead to the start of a deepening, more enduring emotion. So it's not surprising that you are not 'in love' with your wife.

 

Getting involved with an ex-partner (and I'm assuming you split up for a reason!) who is now married with kids, in the hope that it will magically make your depression lift, is bound to result in disaster. The heady feelings of being 'in love' will make your depression lift - temporarily - before a crash, which is likely to leave two marriages wrecked.

 

It sounds as though you are suffering from a great deal of emotional distress at the moment. Use your energy to address this, get therapy, get medication if you need it, use whatever resources you need to get well. Treat yourself well - but don't look to a relationship with your wife, or anyone else, to heal your pain.

 

Your marriage is not the problem, and leaving it is not the solution.

 

Good luck!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with nutbrownhare. The marriage is not the issue, it is your state of mind and how you are trying every which way to mask your emotional turmoil. Perhaps it is now time to get yourself checked out and see if you are really bi-polar. There is medication to control the symtoms and plenty of people have lived productive lives even with bipolar. Running after another woman is not the answer because it is not the relationship that is the cause of your problems, it is your mental health. If you divorced your wife and embarked on another relationship, you would soon find yourself back to where you are now...feeling miserable and blaming the relationship. Get yourself evaluated by a psychiatrist and hopefully with some medical interventions you can be in a better place emotionally.

[phantomuk]

I hear what you're saying rosephase and Keyman. I was diagnosed with Dystemia 7 years ago and had been on Sertraline for about 4-5 years and am now on Venlafaxine Hydrochloride since. I have had counselling and I have come to an understanding about some of the root causes of my depression. Whilst my depression may not be helping my current issue, I don't feel it is 'clouding' my thoughts on this.

 

In fact, my 'down time' has increased in the past 2-3 years. I don't think this is a case of GIGS. I can see why you would think so having my ex back on the scene, however, when I look at it from the perspective that my ex isn't interested in me, I still feel much happier than I am currently. My ex has definitely been the catalyst. I haven't actually seen her or spoken to her now or in the past 14 years. We have only texted each other recently and nothing else.

 

My wife, her mother and partner and myself bought a property for renovation in a foreign country together 5 years ago. We are due to commence work on it in the next month but with these feelings I'm having I don't want to go ahead and do it if it's not right - and it doesn't feel right. Everyone has committed time and money on the property and I don't want to let people think I'm still interested in it if I'm not.

 

The only time in recent weeks when I have felt like I've had clarity and a burden lifted was last night after coming to the conclusion that I'm not happy but will be on my own

[Baily]

another reason why Facebook and Myspace sites are NOT HEALTHY for any relationship. I will never go on them again...the temptation...as I've seen many relationships DESTROYED because of that old 'want and desire.'

 

Dude you are a fool to go searching for a long lost love...of course the feelings are there...but you are not the same person anymore....you two wouldn't last 2 weeks....the first week you'd talk about the old times...then what....you'd stare at one another and understand that you MOVED ON TO being the people you are now.

 

get over it...