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Help... (trying to keep it short)


Hopelives

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Copied from Crazyaboutdogs, on another post, seemed relevant to me:

 

"People who truly want to get back together do not act mysterious and vague."

 

Okay, here's my story so you don't have to be-bop all around to read.

 

Him 55, a doc. Me 45, a doc in training (yippee!!!!)

 

Together for less than a year. Had the time of our lives. Always laughed, always had a good time. Last weekend I spent with him, we were away for a marathon I was running. He called me three times when we got home to say how great the weekend had been and that he really wanted me to know how much he loved spending time with me, that he would do it again.

 

That following week was hell. Just really busy. Stressful. On Friday of that week he came to stay overnight, fully knowing he was leaving on Saturday for at least 10 days - family stuff with kids, family, etc.

 

I had no problem with any of that. Encouraged it. I'd been feeling a bit left behind because for the month before all of that, he'd been really busy. Between his practice, his kids, his board meetings, his other board meetings, his friends, and me, he was stretched.

 

Meanwhile, I was feeling left out.

 

When he returned from his long 10 days away, I'd hoped to see him to talk about how we got back to normal. He called me that night he got home and it was a blast. We were laughing, etc like normal... then he started in on his up-coming week:

 

Monday - board

Tuesday - board

Weds - golfing with ER doc

Th - all day at practice, and his son was staying over (teenager at that time who didn't like it that his father was dating)

Fri - his dad was coming for the weekend, and son was staying over

Sat - the same

Sun, dad was leaving, son's mom was coming home

 

I was okay with all of that except for the tiny little day in the middle, Weds, where he had time to golf with ER doc on US Open course, but not time for me!?

 

So, I asked, "What about me?" He responded by trying to figure out when he could work me in that week. I was a bit hurt. Rejected.

 

I said it was not really about that week, as I understood his time constraints and kids' stuff, and dad... but what I wanted to know was when things would go back to normal adding that seeing my bf once every 3 weeks is not acceptable.

 

We talked for another 45 mins to an hour. I offered up suggestions, he was lukewarm saying he really wanted to take the next step with me but until his kids had met me, he was prevented from that... muttering to himself (and me?) that he'd hoped it would have happened sooner.

 

I was feeling more rejected and less like he really cared whether I was around or not. I told him I should probably send his stuff back.

 

He asked if there was someone else. I was shocked. "What?" I asked.

 

He repeated it. I replied (this is direct quote): "There is hell no, f--- no, and the answer to *that* question. Do you not have any idea how much I care for you? My God, I love everything about you - your compassion, wit, humor, kindness, caring, passion. Everything."

 

He choked up and whispered that in the final years of his marriage and for the 2 years post - divorce, he'd not that he was capable of loving someone... until he met me. He added, "I care so very, very deeply for you." and then our cell phones died.

 

Fast forward: he wrote me a lengthy email that following Sunday wishing me well, that after he'd done some soul-searching, he did not have time for me. He said he'd miss me that my compassion, intelligence, caring, ... and love.

 

I died. I came here.

 

He then posted a profile on a dating site.

 

I died again.

 

Last spring, I wrote him a thank you. "Thank you for everything. Thank you for giving me the kick in the arse that I needed to start the path to med school. Thank you for sharing your life with me. Thank you for ..." I alluded to our breakup saying the rainbow in the demise of our relationship is that I was on the path to med school. I finished with my normal saying and finalized it with:

 

P.S. Obviously, my feelings for you have not dissipated, they have not changed since the day we split up. For that reason, if you were so inclined, I would ask that you not respond.

 

He did. Within two hours of receiving it. "WOW!!! That's fabulous!!! Good luck on your quest!!!"

 

I felt slapped.

 

So, fall came and I posted an ad on the dating site. I saw a blank ad without a picture. Sounded like my ex. We'll call the blank ad, "Mr. J."

 

I winked at it asking for a photo. No response.

 

I deleted that profile and focused on school.

 

Had a date a few weeks ago. Guy asked me about *him*... got me thinking again. I've posted here and someone commented it was all jumbled. Yep, I was/am.

 

Anyway, I got curious. Was he still on there? So, I posted a blind ad. Did a quick search on my area and sure enough, "Mr. J" is my ex.

 

Refer back up to the top. His ad reads like what he wrote me, and what he's looking for.

 

I died a little inside... thinking, "Here I am!"

 

My ad reads like me: 6'1", dark blond, brown, hot, single... and my verbiage is all me. What am I looking for? Adjectives... that sound... tbh... like him.

 

This past Th, he added *me* to his favorites. I believe he knows its me.

 

So... DN, the moderator, told me he needs more than my lukewarm/fun-loving email I sent on Friday morning. CAD says the same with her post in another person's post....

 

The email to my ex was akin to "A very handsome man added me as a favorite on link removed... likes dogs, a doc... maybe you know him? I'm ASDF, nice to meet you!" Along with the concert disclosure that I'm going to (his area) and a funny joke.

 

I feel like... he blew me off 1.5 years ago... He posted his profile shortly after we split up. He responded in short form to my lengthy "thank you" email. He ignored my "wink" last fall... and then posted a picture... and has now added me.

 

I feel like... if I do more, that I'm chasing.

 

Do I know what I want? Yes. Him. Warts, foibles, funnies and all.

 

Thank you for reading. Sorry if it made your eyes bleed. I truly love this man... and always have.

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I think you have done all you can...he needs to step up to the plate, not you. He never made much time for you when you were together, always put you last priority...then he spewed out words of love to you and then promptly dumped you right after. This guy is not sincere...if you do more now it will simply go back to the way it was before. If he truly has changed then he will know that he has to do more, much more, than what he did before...he would need to take the initiative and get this going again, DIRECTLY, not simply disguised on a dating site where you are not even properly identifying yourselves. If he wants you he needs to come out in the open and contact you directly. He needs to change his attitude and you need to sit back and see IF he is going to change his attitude or if you are simply getting the same old, same old crap. Do not go after him...let him come to you if he really wants you and wants to fix what went wrong the first time. If he doesn't come to you directly instead of hiding behind the anonymity of the dating site, then he is not serious about changing himself and making things right. When people truly care, they make the time...it sounds like in the past he liked the notion of having a girlfriend in name only, as long as he had her at his convenience. You deserve better than that...let him come to you and show you this time he is serious.

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Thank you, CAD. You've always been so thoughtful and so earnest in your responses.

 

He is no longer anonymous on that site. His ad, the one I winked at last fall and requested a picture, has one. It is from that ad that he added me to his favorites.

 

My ad is the one that is anonymous but... anyone who knows me, knows the ad is me.

 

Anyone who would read it, would likewise know, my heart still belongs to him.

 

I've dated a lot in the 1.5 years since we split up. Maybe 50 dinners/lunches/coffee house, concerts, sporting events, and hikes. Lots of great men out there; some were beyond quirky and doltish, but honestly... my heart has always belonged, and continues to belong, to him.

 

I believe he knew it was me. And CAD, you're right, his turn to make a move.

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