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How can I politely reject her?


Bergamot

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I had a first date with a woman that I met online. She looked just OK in her photos but I wanted to meet her for at least one date before ruling her out. We met today and I took her to Starbucks and got her a cafe mocha (I paid). Then I took her for a walk in a nearby park and later for a drive in my car. The date went very well. She talked very well to me... like she knew me for couple of years. Then I dropped her back in the train station so that she can take the train back to the city. Before leaving she asked "will you be coming to the city some time?" and I said "no, i don't think so". Then before she left she said "thanks for the coffee and the drive. keep in touch".

 

Things went well BUT I am not attracted to her. I felt like I was hanging out with a guy friend. Her personality wasn't that great either. She is what I would describe as "loud girl". Anyway so what should I do now? Should I wait for her to contact me and then tell her that I am not interested? or should I let her know right away? in either cases how should I word my message so that she does not feel bad?

 

Your advice is much appreciated.

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Generally it is up to the man to contact. So, in this case, no contact is the best way to say a polite "not interested".

 

If you write her a message saying you're not interested or, god forbid why, it's both patronizing and presumptuous, because you can never be sure if she was interested or just being friendly.

 

I would just not contact her.

 

In a couple of cases, I've had a woman txt me to say hi or something like that and in those cases I've told them politely that I just didn't feel a spark, or something similarly vague. After just one meet, you don't owe much of an explanation.

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When you were out with her, did you show interest in her? Or were you standoffish?

 

Most women can tell if the guy is NOT into them, by the way they act.

 

I didn't touch her at all and kept a distance. But that's because she said "let's start as just friends". But I am not attracted to her anyway...

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Generally it is up to the man to contact. So, in this case, no contact is the best way to say a polite "not interested".

 

If you write her a message saying you're not interested or, god forbid why, it's both patronizing and presumptuous, because you can never be sure if she was interested or just being friendly.

 

I would just not contact her.

 

In a couple of cases, I've had a woman txt me to say hi or something like that and in those cases I've told them politely that I just didn't feel a spark, or something similarly vague. After just one meet, you don't owe much of an explanation.

 

Thanks. Makes sense.

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When you were out with her, did you show interest in her? Or were you standoffish?

 

Most women can tell if the guy is NOT into them, by the way they act.

 

If I'm out with a woman, unless she repulses, annoys, or angers me, I'm going to do my best to have a good time whether I'm into her or not. I'm usually friendly, laughing, joking around. I honestly don't think they can tell.

 

Same goes for guys - some women I've been out with, I was sure they were having a good time, but they turned out to be not interested. I've learned from experience that both can be true: a person can have a good time on a date and still not be interested in more.

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Is this the "when is your birthday?" woman and "I'm not sure if I like her picture" woman from a thread of yours a while back?

(in which me and many at ENA were all encouraging you to go out anyway)

 

if so, oops and sorry.

 

However, it is the nature of the beast isn't it? Gotta follow your options etc.

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Before leaving she asked "will you be coming to the city some time?" and I said "no, i don't think so".

 

i would have taken that as a HUGE hint of disinterest!!!!

 

i agree with clarity, since it was only one date, i don't see a reason you need to contact her again. when i did online dating, if the guy didn't contact me again within a week, i figured he wasn't interested. if i was VERY interested, i would email them to say hello. Most of the time that didn't really go anywhere though. In short, I think she'll be able to piece things together. if she doesn't, you can just tell her you weren't feeling it.

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Is this the "when is your birthday?" woman and "I'm not sure if I like her picture" woman from a thread of yours a while back?

(in which me and many at ENA were all encouraging you to go out anyway)

 

if so, oops and sorry.

 

However, it is the nature of the beast isn't it? Gotta follow your options etc.

 

Yep, same girl

 

I actually asked her today "so why is the birthday question a girlie question?" and she said "usually when women want to connect to someone they ask that question to find their zodiac sign and learn about them".

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Well since you didn't feel a vibe with her there is that probability that she feels the same way about you. Your first step should be not to contact her and chances are decent that she won't contact you, this way you guys part ways with no effort and your problem is solved. If she contacts you again I would tell her the truth, just mention that you think she's a great girl but not for you and wish her well. You always have the option of saying something along the lines that you are not ready for a relationship or that you ended up with someone else that was in your life for before but if you intend to use the same dating site she'll she right through that story so like I said before I'd just tell her the truth when/if she contacts you.

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i would have taken that as a HUGE hint of disinterest!!!!

 

i agree with clarity, since it was only one date, i don't see a reason you need to contact her again. when i did online dating, if the guy didn't contact me again within a week, i figured he wasn't interested. if i was VERY interested, i would email them to say hello. Most of the time that didn't really go anywhere though. In short, I think she'll be able to piece things together. if she doesn't, you can just tell her you weren't feeling it.

 

Hello Annie,

 

Nice to hear from you.

 

Yes, I deliberately said "no I don't think so" because I did not want to give her false hopes. But I also added "I used to go to the city a lot a while ago but these days I don't go. The last time I went was couple of months ago".

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Well since you didn't feel a vibe with her there is that probability that she feels the same way about you. Your first step should be not to contact her and chances are decent that she won't contact you, this way you guys part ways with no effort and your problem is solved. If she contacts you again I would tell her the truth, just mention that you think she's a great girl but not for you and wish her well. You always have the option of saying something along the lines that you are not ready for a relationship or that you ended up with someone else that was in your life for before but if you intend to use the same dating site she'll she right through that story so like I said before I'd just tell her the truth when/if she contacts you.

 

Ok so I will just wait and see what she does. If she initiates another date then I am just going to be upfront and tell her.

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If you want, you can send her a text. I did this once with a guy I was attracted to physically but his personality was kinda' erratic. He text'd me and asked if i was free in the next couple of days and I replied back:

 

"Thanks so much for the game. Had a good time. I don't feel a real romantic spark but I'd love to be friends."

 

He never wrote back.

It was a polite way to say No.

 

Saying "friends" basically means we won't be seeing each other again..........

In a nice way.

 

Or just don't contact.

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I would avoid the txt, not because it's not a nice idea, but because some people take it the wrong way. I've had some negative backlash from girls before when I've sent a small txt.

 

For a person who can handle it, it's a nice gesture. In fact, I just got one tonight from a girl I took out earlier in the week saying that I'm a "nice guy", but "not her type" (which basically means, I wasn't attracted to you). I replied saying I appreciated her message and wished her all the best. The problem is, not everyone reacts positively to those messages like I did...

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I didn't touch her at all and kept a distance. But that's because she said "let's start as just friends". But I am not attracted to her anyway...

 

I can't help but notice you saying that she looked "OK" ... like you had already decided that you were not attracted to her. Anywho, you can always send an email thanking her for the date but saying you are going to pursue others. Most folks I know simply stop contacting after only one date.

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I can't help but notice you saying that she looked "OK" ... like you had already decided that you were not attracted to her. Anywho, you can always send an email thanking her for the date but saying you are going to pursue others. Most folks I know simply stop contacting after only one date.

 

On second thought, don't tell her you are going to pursue others!

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In the past when I wasn't into someone, I would not contact them. If they contacted me, usually by email, I would write "I had a good time with you but don't really see us as a match. I really wish you well in your search." Sometimes it is hard to tell if someone is interested in going out again. I can recall several times when I wasn't into the person and they never contacted me and it was like "whew!". Of course there were other times when I liked the person but they were not interested. It happens to all of us.

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