How can I politely reject her?

[Bergamot]

Ah, why am I not surprised it turned out this way Bergamot? LOL

 

You don't have to do a thing. You already told her you doubted you'd be back in the area. She gets the gist.

 

You are not surprised because I did not listen to you about canceling the date

[G-Snap]

You are not surprised because I did not listen to you about canceling the date

 

Exactly.

 

LOL

[OrangeMoon]

Thanks. I like that sentence. It is polite but conveys the message!

 

Of all the responses i have seen about notifying someone that you are not going to pursue a next date, because you didn't feel interested enough.. This is the only and best way to do it. You thank them for the date and then say that you didn't feel enough of a match to pursue another date...and wish them well...that's it!

 

It is profoundly and utterly rude to go on a date with someone and just disappear in the mist without saying a word. Yes..the disappearance says that you are not interested. But it lacks major character and decency.

 

No matter if he or she might have not been that into you either..it doesn't matter. because you will give that person clarity or a chance to shrug their shoulders and kill any thought they might have entertained about you..

 

It ends on even grounds.. for the both of you. And ends the chance of them wondering if you are interested or not, whether you are going to call or not.

 

I have even gone so far as to say that same line at the end of the date face to face. But if you are scared to do so the best moment to say it is when you have said your goodbyes and each gone your separate ways... and than no later than the next day.

 

You are not obliged to answer any responses back..no calls, no texts or anything. Let them say what they want to say..and leave it at that. You have made your point..and you were polite, decent and honest. That's it.

 

But just turning your back and say nothing...smells like weak spirit to me..i am sorry.

[Clarity]

Here's the problem I have with that, as a guy. You can never be sure that they *were* interested in you, unless they contact you. So if you contact them to say you weren't a match, and they're not interested, it IS rude. It's patronizing and presumptuous. I've had some nasty responses to that exact type of message before from females.

 

Again, it's not a bad idea, but there are some bad apples out there who can't handle it and that's why no contact is the best approach.

 

It may be "rude", but it's the socially accepted standard for no interest.

[Ms Darcy]

Why? Do you find it strange?

 

I saw couple of pictures of her and did not find her attractive.

 

Because there was no point in going out with her then. If you go into a situation where the other person has to 'prove themselves' to you in some way, it's immediately unbalanced.

[OrangeMoon]

Here's the problem I have with that, as a guy. You can never be sure that they *were* interested in you, unless they contact you. So if you contact them to say you weren't a match, and they're not interested, it IS rude. It's patronizing and presumptuous. I've had some nasty responses to that exact type of message before from females.

 

Again, it's not a bad idea, but there are some bad apples out there who can't handle it and that's why no contact is the best approach.

 

It may be "rude", but it's the socially accepted standard for no interest.

 

If the date was bad..there was hardly any communication, the tension was present, or you could both see clearly that there wasn't a match there...then there is no point in stating the obvious..

 

In my world there is no general social acceptance of plain indecent behaviour..

just because you have had the bad experience of having dated weak women who were to insecure to handle a direct message of disinterest..doesnt mean that disappearance is the way to go.

 

If you have had a really fun,nearly romantic date with a mature person, where in the days building up to the date you have established that you both were in a place of truly discovering one another..than disappearing is rude..no excuse.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with thanking someone for a great time and discovering that the chemistry you were looking for didn't spark enough of a flame to continue the exploration with someone...that's life..this can happen (even after a few dates). Any woman or man that throws a fit because of that..is emotionally unstable..and should not even be dating.

 

If you have dated..the clingy, needy chick..and purely went into the date because you were looking for some other 'exploration' than your words might have said, or were just looking out to hang out for a night (or she was)..than sending out a message like that..is presumptious, etc.

 

But i am not talking about those kind of dates..

 

If the interest on each end was sincere,the date was truly fun..however on the inside it lacked that oempf..be honest enough to tell how YOU feel with some dignity. and dont worry about how they will take it. you cant control that...

 

I have seen too many times what it can do on the other side of the fence with women and men..who were waiting for some sign of respons and what the lack of contact did to them. I have experienced it too...and i am telling you..its not much fun. Its a lot of time waisted..and very confusing.

 

But i guess we will not see eye to eye on this one.

 

But in your defense..i have heard from men that a lot of women (from the US) react very overemotional to messages of disinterest and prefer to hear nothing than to hear you utter those words or read them in a text. If that is true...Then i can imagine its tough.

Where i am from..we are more relaxed in that way. But guys who disappear are usually men who fear confrontation in any form...

[Bergamot]

^^ But you have to remember that she NEVER gave her phone number to me.

[OrangeMoon]

^^ But you have to remember that she NEVER gave her phone number to me.

 

In your case..i would just leave it then..and should she contact you..than tell her. Like someone else stated earlier...i believe that she got the vibe of there being no chemistry between the both of you..

 

My responses were aimed at the whole concept of *accepted disappearance*..I do not agree with that..

[Clarity]

I would tend to agree with you IF it was easy to tell the difference between: girl who is romantically interested and girl just having fun on a hangout and not interested.

 

I, and many other gentleman, have been fooled in this respect many a time. It's not surprising. Sometimes I have a good time on a date where I don't have interest in the other person and my having a good time leads them to believe there is interest.

 

Since you can't predict if they were interested with a good level of success, you always run risk of being presumptuous.

[Puddincup]

Here's the problem I have with that, as a guy. You can never be sure that they *were* interested in you, unless they contact you. So if you contact them to say you weren't a match, and they're not interested, it IS rude. It's patronizing and presumptuous. I've had some nasty responses to that exact type of message before from females.

 

Again, it's not a bad idea, but there are some bad apples out there who can't handle it and that's why no contact is the best approach.

 

It may be "rude", but it's the socially accepted standard for no interest.

 

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I have tried a variety of approaches and find that silence when I am not interested is the socially acceptable way to handle this. I only send the email in response if they ask me out again.

[G-Snap]

SO how's it going Bergamot? Have you had any further discussions with her? I don't think you owe anything at this point. I'd let it go. I don't think she really expects a further call or email really. You left it closed ended vs open ended when you said you doubted you'd be back in town.

 

I wouldn't expend another ounce of energy worrying about it. Hopefully you aren't.

[Bergamot]

SO how's it going Bergamot? Have you had any further discussions with her? I don't think you owe anything at this point. I'd let it go. I don't think she really expects a further call or email really. You left it closed ended vs open ended when you said you doubted you'd be back in town.

 

I wouldn't expend another ounce of energy worrying about it. Hopefully you aren't.

 

Thanks for checking with me G-Snap.

 

There have been no new developments after the date. I did not contact her... neither did she. I am assuming that this is now closed. I guess she got the hint when I said "no, i don't think so" when she asked if I would be coming to the city.

 

Here is something very important that I totally forgot to mention to you guys. This girl does NOT have a Social Security Number! She came to the USA last year to pursue graduate education in Law but I can't believe she has been without an SSN for almost a year now. I strongly advised her to get one ASAP.

[LAYAAN]

Generally it is up to the man to contact. So, in this case, no contact is the best way to say a polite "not interested".

If you write her a message saying you're not interested or, god forbid why, it's both patronizing and presumptuous, because you can never be sure if she was interested or just being friendly.

I would just not contact her.

In a couple of cases, I've had a woman txt me to say hi or something like that and in those cases I've told them politely that I just didn't feel a spark, or something similarly vague. After just one meet, you don't owe much of an explanation.

I can remember 3 men who made sure after a terrible date to email me after a week and let me know that they didn't feel a connection. One said that he wanted to stay friends.

[LAYAAN]

i would have taken that as a HUGE hint of disinterest!!!!

i agree with clarity, since it was only one date, i don't see a reason you need to contact her again. when i did online dating, if the guy didn't contact me again within a week, i figured he wasn't interested. if i was VERY interested, i would email them to say hello. Most of the time that didn't really go anywhere though. In short, I think she'll be able to piece things together. if she doesn't, you can just tell her you weren't feeling it.

exactly!!!

[Bergamot]

exactly!!!

 

Thanks Tinu.

 

I do think she got the hint. I never contacted her... nor did she.

[LAYAAN]

Well, you may have your reasons to go on a date with a girl that you don't really find attractive, but I wouldn't (not judging you or anything), unless you are someone who is willing to overlook average/below average looks if one has a good personality.