Confused about boyfriend

[Honey1976]

I met my current boyfriend about a year ago. He has also helped me a lot with my self-esteem, telling me I am beautiful and he loves me and helped me recover from a very painful time of depression. He basically came along when I was in a very vulnerable and dark place. Without going into too many details, I had an abusive childhood and have had a very traumatic last couple of years before we met. I had been through an abusive relationship with an alcoholic, been raped by a stranger and lost a baby that was caused by the rape. All this has left me devastated and heart-broken. I have also been struggling with some serious health issues and bullying at work. It hasn't been a great time for me in the last couple of years as you can tell. I have been to therapy and taken anti-depressants and do everything I can to look after myself like going to the gym, church, seeing friends etc, seeing family. But none of this really helped me feel better like my boyfriend has. He has really been there for me, more than anyone else has ever been. I don't know how I would have coped without him. I should add he has helped me out with a lot of practical things around the house, fixing stuff etc.

 

I'm confused though. Basically my boyfriend has no money and is out of work a lot. He asked to borrow money from me last month and it turns out he has been borrowing money from other people too to cover other basic expenses of his. He moved in with me without really asking, just started sleeping at my place every night, eating my food and using all the utilities (shower, washing machine etc etc). He calls my house "our home". He pays no bills and doesn't help me with my mortgage at all. He has never offered to help me financially. He has had other money of mine and held onto for so long before giving it back that I forgot he had it. He seems shameless about being like this. I work long hours in a really stressful job to pay for everything and go through a lot to bring home a pay-check. If I were single I might throw the towel in but now somehow I'm not just looking after myself but another adult as well!

 

He doesn't plan ahead for anything and spends money on non-essential things and the result is he wastes money. For example, he was supposed to go on a holiday with his mates (how did he have money for the plane ticket but not for bills to help me?) but he left getting his passport to the very last minute because he couldn't afford the processing fee and his passport application was declined because he hadn't left enough time for processing or completed the forms correctly. This meant the plane fare and his passport fee were completely wasted. He is so unmotivated to fix any of this. I have to nag him to do anything like look for jobs or look for courses to get a qualification and it is like drawing blood from a stone. He won't even read the highway code so he could pass the theory test to get a driving license. I end up doing everything for him. I wrote is resume and covering emails and sent it out to a load of employers for him! Then he refused to do anything to follow up. He has no qualifications and blames everyone else for his failures in life.

 

I have turned a blind eye to a lot of this, partly because I keep hoping he will change as he promises. I have tried bringing the money issue up but he turns it on me somehow, saying things to make me feel guilty as if I am being greedy, materialistic or unreasonable, impatient and says "do you think I don't know its a problem?". He always promises to sort things out but he never does and I feel like I am being made a fool. What feels weird is that a lot of guys would get really mad and either fix the situation or break up because I would think most guys would not want a woman thinking they were sponging off them. But he keeps coming back. He says its because he really loves me, usually while he is fixing himself something to eat or hopping into my bathtub or into my bed.

 

Sorry for the long post. I would appreciate some advice or viewpoints.

 

Thanks, with love from Honey

[jettison]

Consider that his "always there for you" and "always sweet" is a by-product of him realizing that he doesn't really pull his weight in other ways. It's a trade-off. That said, it's completely up to you to decide whether that trade-off is really worth it for you. Certainly, it can't go on like this forever unless you're looking for a house husband and nothing more. And if that were his title, and there's nothing wrong with that, he'd have to go well, well out of his way to keep up that side of the bargain as well.

[Keyman]

Hi Honey,

 

Sounds like you are stuck in theis situation and the more you keep doing for him, the less he will do for himself. I don't think you are giving a stronjg enough message to him that what he is doing - or not doing, in this case - is not ok. You need to do something rather harsh to make him sit up and pay attention, because he is going to twist it around on you over and over until he gets his own way. Best thing to do is to kick him out on his ass and make him fend for himself.