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How do you move on after being betrayed?


vonsalome

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Some of you out there may have read and remember my situation...

 

My boyfriend of two years—who I adored and wanted to marry and who I supported through his year of unemployment—used me, lied to me, cheated on me, dumped me, and moved back to England.

 

He's been emailing me since he got back to London saying how even though he thinks breaking up was the right thing to do, he still misses me and misses so much about our connection and that he hopes we can develop a strong friendship.

 

I became increasingly frustrated by him emailing me and telling me the new details of his London life. It felt like even though he was saying he only wanted friendship, he'd tell me how much he thought I would love London—its history, all the stories to be felt in its streets and buildings—and signing off his emails with, "Much love to you." It didn't feel like the kind of email you would send someone who's heart you recently broke so badly and who you just wanted friendship with.

 

So, reaching my breaking point and tired of sending him weepy emails telling him I wish we could just work things out and that all I wanted was our relationship back, I just sent him back one brief, but rational, email asking if he was still seeing the woman he cheated with in anyway sexual or romantic. He responds that he's not ready to talk about other people in our lives and that he doesn't think that will be helpful for me to move on to hear about his dating life. He says that the short answer is that he is single and that should be all I need to know.

 

I reply back and say that I'm willing to accept the break up now and move on, that I don't want to hear about the details of his dating life, but that it's important to me to know if he's still involved with the woman he cheated on and that I would explain why after he gave me a straightforward answer, and that it would be helpful to me in knowing in order to move on from our relationship.

 

He got cold and defensive and said that I don't need any information from him in order to move on with my life, that I am whole and complete without him. That we are separate and single and that he owes me no answers.

 

So I sent a "scorched earth" email in return, "explaining" to him that the reason I wanted to know if he was still seeing her is that if he was, meanwhile sending me these nice emails about how he missed me and parts of our relationship, that I didn't think that he was sorry at all for how he treated me or cheating etc. And that if he was still seeing her--which by his evasiveness and inability to say that they weren't involved, I took that he was--that I was going to cut him out and not speak to him again because he had crossed a line and didn't deserve the privilege of having me in his life. I told him to burn in hell.

 

That was two weeks ago, and after I sent it, I felt awesome. I was elated that I had stood up for myself. I felt proud in telling him off. Strong. I haven't heard from him since.

 

Cue the crash. If he was such a jerk at the end, why do I still miss him now? I no longer feel elated, but instead despondent. I expected that I would still feel a little sorry for the loss, but I thought that standing up to him would really relieve a lot of my pain. And the pain is still sticking around, big time. Despite what he did, I still miss him. And now I don't even have any emails from him to know what he's up to, to share with him details about my life, to hear how things are going for him in London. I still care about him. And yet, every time I picture him sleeping with her, I'm enraged.

 

And I just feel empty. I gave my whole heart to him. I wanted to marry him and have his kids. And he's gone. I wasn't "the one." And I just don't know how I can feel so strongly about anyone ever again. I feel like he took my ability to love with him. I wanted to move to England with him, and that dream is gone too. Even if I tried to move to England on my own, I know it wouldn't be the same because I would always wish in some part of me that I were sharing it with him and the new reality would never match up to what I had wished for.

 

I'm not contacting him. But I miss him so much. So how do I get over this? I'm functional, but I'm unhappy. It's been three and a half months since he left now. Why has this man broken me so badly? I do want to have marriage and kids one day, but I've trusted and been hurt so much now, and I'm nearly 30, and I'm starting to feel like maybe it's not meant for me.

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I think what you are really feeling is the loss of your dream as well as the horrible realization that who you though he was, was not who he turned out to be. This man whom you loved has now shown himself to be cold, dishonest, deceitful, cruel and remorseless. His contact with you had nothing to do with him wanting to be friends with you...it had to do with him getting a big kick out of baiting you and hearing your words of love. If this guy is still with the other woman then he is playing her false as well. He is trying to keep both in his life. In fact, this woman ends up with the loser while you end up free of a man who is cruel, cowardly and heartless. If you would have ended up married to him your life would not have been happy. He would have cheated on you, lied to you and probably walked out of your life anyway. Be grateful you never ended up married to him. He did you a big favour by dumping you because you are now able to see his true character (or rather lack of character). In time as you accept that your dreams of marriage and a life with him are not to happen, you will be able to see him for the scum he really is and not the wonderful image he portrayed while dating in order to keep you hooked.

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And I just feel empty. I gave my whole heart to him. I wanted to marry him and have his kids. And he's gone. I wasn't "the one." And I just don't know how I can feel so strongly about anyone ever again. I feel like he took my ability to love with him. I wanted to move to England with him, and that dream is gone too. Even if I tried to move to England on my own, I know it wouldn't be the same because I would always wish in some part of me that I were sharing it with him and the new reality would never match up to what I had wished for.

 

I read your original post about him, it's not that you're 'not the one'. He's not the one. As hard and hurt that he's gone he's already lost himself long ago when all the cheating and lying took place. You were the victim of giving someone you thought was the one all the love and devotion.

 

Nothing will be the same if you move to England. You'll only come back heart broken. You already know this by heart I'm sure.

 

As hard as it will be, like others have said in the past, don't contact him. The more you try to get answers and read his emails you're only going to backtrack in healing.

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You're in mourning. It has been a devastating loss for you. He, however, doesn't yet realize what he lost.

 

You're unhappy, so you need to fake it 'til you make it. That means acting like a happy person - go out with friends, throw yourself into work (I did this and got a nice raise and huge bonus at Christmas), take care of yourself by exercising and eating right, take salsa lessons or learn to speak a new language, revamp your wardrobe, and try a new hair color or style. Totally reinvent yourself. Most importantly, if you're living in a place you shared with him, change it. Move the furniture, paint it, get new bed linens - make it your space. Remove all traces of him, even if it's just a trick of the eye.

 

This is about you now. You becoming the best, most exciting version of yourself, living life fully, not looking back.

 

You're nearly 30. Better you find out he's not marriage material now than after the wedding. He wasn't The One.

 

Right now, at this very moment, there's a great guy out there looking for the love of his life. He's not perfect for everyone, but he'll be perfect for you. In his worst nightmares he wouldn't do what the Loser of London did to you. Now, keep your head up so when he sees your face he recognizes you.

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It might help you to know that you are normal and what you are feeling is a normal part of a break up. As Autumnborn as said, you are in mourning which equates to the depression phase of the break up. Break ups are hard and can take time to work through, just be aware that you are working through it stage by stage and that as time goes by it will get easier and easier.

 

Right now, you are feeling like you can never love again, but in your future, a man will come and it will all change. You will wonder how you could ever not have loved someone like do you him and this part of your life will be small and forgotten.

 

Give yourself time, tell yourself it was not your fault and be grateful that he came into your life, and even more grateful that he has gone. You are better for the experience, you might not feel it yet, but you will.

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Thanks, everyone, for your support. It really does help to keep me strong. I keep wishing to contact him somehow and tell him I miss him, but I guess it won't do any good. There was a reason why I severed contact in the first place. This whole process is just so hard. But I know I deserve better—anybody does—than to be cheated on and lied to. So I am going to trust that this is for the best and that things will work out down the road. Still, though, I keep hoping against hope that he will come back into my life somehow in the future and we'll be able to have some kind of connection, even if that connection just is friendship. We had a beautiful thing while it lasted. It's a shame he couldn't appreciate it too like I did.

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