Breaking up with someone you still love?

[mandyc]

I can't believe I'm in this section right now.... eveything in my once seemingly perfect life seems to be falling down around me. I feel like everything is hitting me at once.

 

But to the point, has anyone here ever broken up with someone they were still in love with? I just broke up with my boyfriend, the man I sincerley thought I would marry, have a family with, grow old with. He has been acting weird and moody, we are fighting all the time, and last night he started calling me names and doing things to purposefully start fights. (He has NEVER been like this, I am always the more emotional one, stubborn etc, but he has started being actually mean lately) I told him I need a break and that I was done (it was in the heat of the moment) but I'm thinking that we actually do need time away from eachother. I can't imagine a future without him, but beyond the sadess I feel right now I also feel semi-excited to maybe start dating again or going out with my own friends, just having a life outside of him.

 

So has anyone every broken up with someone they still loved because it seemed best at the time? Did you regret it? Did you get back with that person later?

[Ms Darcy]

What was his reaction when you said this?

[mandyc]

he said "Ok crazy". and then of course I got more mad, but we were with friends and I wasn't going to fight infront of them. So we ignored eachother the rest of the night.

 

Today I texted him and told him that I love him but I won't be with someone who doesn't treat me with respect, I am a very prideful and stubborn person, sometimes to a fault. However I don't think it is too much to ask to not be called names and I ask him repeteadly to please do not do something he turns around and does it anyways, it's like he is a child rebelling, or like he is pushing me to see my reaction. But I said today (more calmly) that I'm tired of all the fighting and that he has been acting so weird lately. He said he agreed that we aren't doing so well right now and thats been it.

[Ms Darcy]

What names did he call you and what were the fights about?

[quirky]

So has anyone every broken up with someone they still loved because it seemed best at the time? Did you regret it? Did you get back with that person later?

 

Yes I did. Because he was neglectful and I was gradually getting more insecure and paranoid and hating myself. I didn't regret it. I got back together with him but we split up again. We fell out often though and had never discussed marriage.

[DN]

First of all you should lose the mindset that he is "a child rebelling" - that won't serve you.

 

If you don't want to lose this man from your life you need to talk to him to find out what was causing this apparently abberrant behaviour - there must have been something going on for him to suddenly start acting like that. Breaking up with him in anger was understandable but not wise.

 

I suggest you call him and ask to meet for a proper discussion to try and fix the relationship in a non-confrontational and aggressive manner. If he refuses then you will have a good idea where you stand.

[TNMAN]

I'm going through almost the exact same thing. My gf of 5 years and I just called it quits earlier this week. We still love each other but I just haven't been me lately. I've been angry, and not doing what makes me happy, and therefore haven't been good towards her even though my feelings towards her haven't changed. We're in our early 20's (I'm 22 and she's 6 months younger, but we're in the same grade) and been dating since high school. Sometimes I think relationships that start out when the two people are young need some time apart to grow up on your own, then if you come back together, or not. You'll know it's meant to be.

[easyguy]

Yes, my girlfriend and I broke up while deeply in love, which was extremely painful for both of us because our incompatibility was really nothing we could control or change (our life paths and goals were so drastically different, we ran out of things to talk about). She started to feel like something was off and we weren't meant for each other as a longer term commitment... which I am beginning to see now, 3 weeks after the break up. She was my first love/girlfriend/sexual partner, too. Sucks, but I'm gradually coming to terms with it and moving on. We were together for about 5 months. Better it ended then instead of 5 months from now. I've grown a lot because of her.

 

We might return as friends later on, who knows. Nothing went wrong, just not meant for each other as long-term partners. Only time will tell.

[Nixee]

So has anyone every broken up with someone they still loved because it seemed best at the time? Did you regret it? Did you get back with that person later?

 

Absolutely.

 

Love ain't everything.

 

My ex and I broke up a couple times.... I often felt like we were on a big set of scales - when one of us was up, the other was down. The first time we split it tore me up but we stayed in contact, stayed friends and I think we both kinda knew we weren't done... and we did get back together. Then... we kinda "took a break" again a couple years after that I think... only lasted a couple months though.

 

When we finally broke up for good, he told me he told me he still loved me, and I believed him. He said love was never the problem with us... and that was true. It was always timing, and whether we were truly compatible.

 

I think I'll always love him... a part of me.

 

Yeah... at times I've regretted things we did. I'm sure he has too. After our break up even after he was with his fiancee (now wife) he even told me that he sometimes wondered if he'd made a huge mistake.... but thats how things are with love, and when you are getting over things. You heal. In the end.. the real end, I don't ever regret spending time with him... and I'm happy he's happy.

[mandyc]

First of all you should lose the mindset that he is "a child rebelling" - that won't serve you.

 

 

I suggest you call him and ask to meet for a proper discussion to try and fix the relationship in a non-confrontational and aggressive manner. If he refuses then you will have a good idea where you stand.

 

 

I know that it is not right or healthy to think that he is acting like a child rebelling. But honest to goodness that is what it seemed like. He literally looked at me, smirked, and then did what I had asked him to please please please not do. I was already upest and we were already fighting, and I said, lets call him Mike, if you do this i'm done. And he did it anyways. It was like he wanted to see if I was bluffing or not. Then his reasoning today about it was I don't have to do everything you tell me. Well ovbiously! Why would I want someone without their own thoughts and opinions?? But to do something I specifically asked him not to do, that I practically begged him not to do and do it anyways?

 

As for meeting up with him I know he would meet me and talk about it, but I honestly don't know if that is what I want right now. This is going to sound horrible and selfish but I kind of want to do my own thing right now, let him miss me and see how good he had it (self centered I know), and then get back together with him later in a few months when we've had time to have new experiences. I know that makes me sound like a horrible person, and who says that he will even want to get back together with me if I let him go now. But if I could pick an ideal situation it would be that.

 

But jeeze reading that makes me sound like I don't love him or care for him and am more concerned with my self right now. Maybe I am... I actually think that is an underlying issue I just now realized typing this. I am scared I am too young and that we will both miss out on other experiences if we don't take time apart now.

[xShannyx]

Yep, no point in staying with a guy who would just hurt me again.

[mandyc]

Sometimes I think relationships that start out when the two people are young need some time apart to grow up on your own, then if you come back together, or not. You'll know it's meant to be.

 

I very much agree with this, and hope that in the end we are meant to be.

[TNMAN]

and hope that in the end we are meant to be.

 

I'm right there with you.

[adamt]

sometimes a relationship just runs its course. people's feelings can change and seeds of doubt start to grow. people grow apart or goign in different directions. people dont even realise their feelings are changing sometimes. they start to get moody,ratty and short tempered. the person starts to detach and withdraw. then they dont have the balls to do the breaking up so hope the other person does it. how have other things been in your relationship, has the sex got a lot less and is he less effectionate and less touchy feely? has he been spending less time with you? i've had all that happen to me, but love blinded me from seeing it. I thought things would return to normal but eventually she did the dumping.

[mandyc]

how have other things been in your relationship, has the sex got a lot less and is he less effectionate and less touchy feely? has he been spending less time with you? i've had all that happen to me, but love blinded me from seeing it. I thought things would return to normal but eventually she did the dumping.

 

well this is kind of a mixed answer. Yes the sex has fallen off serverely, because he works early in the morning, i've been in school, we see eachother a lot less, mostly just on the weekends now. We used to be with eachother all the time before school started back and he got his full time job, and actually we do so much better when we are with eachother all the time then we do when we only see eacother a few days a week.

 

So sex almost non exsistent, once a month maybe twice. But he is still very affectionate, kissing, cuddling, massaging, still leaving me cute notes and things. We talk about marriage and the kind of ring I wanted. What we would name our kids! I mean this is not just some random boyfriend. I've had many bfs where I knew they weren't going anywhere. But with him I really, truly thought we would get married. Actually I still think we will. But I think we just need some time away to realize how much we love eachother and to maybe date a few others, to know that we are really meant to be.

[DN]

This is going to sound horrible and selfish but I kind of want to do my own thing right now, let him miss me and see how good he had it (self centered I know), and then get back together with him later in a few months when we've had time to have new experiences. I know that makes me sound like a horrible person, and who says that he will even want to get back together with me if I let him go now. But if I could pick an ideal situation it would be that.

 

If you really love him and think you will want a long-term relationship with you - then what you have posted above is a highly dangerous strategy that could, and probably will, mean that you lose him altogether - and you will end up being one of those sad and lonely people who bitterly regret making a fatal relationship mistake.

 

I think you need to look past your anger and decide what is really in your long-term best interests and not play out some 'ideal' situation that is really nothing more than a revenge scenario that makes him the redeemable bad-guy, you the heroine and it all tuens out well in the end like some romance novel.

 

The problem with aplan like that is that the other person often has plans of their own.

 

Think this through a little more.

[adamt]

How compatible are you. I mean as a best friend? do you share interests and hobbies. I ask this because if you are incompatible then you end up arguing,,etc my ex felt we were not compatible after 3 years. things can change. he maybe losing feelings for you but not yet realised it. is he spending mroe time with friends?

 

also are you really inlove with him because you say you are semi excited about dating new people and you both want time apart from each other. I loved my ex and when she wanted a break i wanted to be with her even more and never considered i wanted to date anyone else. the break up was devasting for me. i've never felt this strong before with someone. i'm moving on and dating 9 mnths non but still not fully over her.

[dejavu31]

Gaurentee if you guys break up you both end up just moving on with your lives. That whole "get back together in a couple months thing" doesn't ever really work when you both start seeing other people. Soon as one of you strikes first with a new hook-up, it will cause the other so much pain that your relationship will be permenantly damaged, then that person will strike back and you both end up having a feeling of bitterness. Been here, done all this. You guys wont get back together if you see other people.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If you really love him and think you will want a long-term relationship with you - then what you have posted above is a highly dangerous strategy that could, and probably will, mean that you lose him altogether - and you will end up being one of those sad and lonely people who bitterly regret making a fatal relationship mistake.

 

I think you need to look past your anger and decide what is really in your long-term best interests and not play out some 'ideal' situation that is really nothing more than a revenge scenario that makes him the redeemable bad-guy, you the heroine and it all tuens out well in the end like some romance novel.

 

The problem with aplan like that is that the other person often has plans of their own.

 

Think this through a little more.

 

I agree. I will also add that you keep mentioning over and over again about having "more experiences" and dating other people. Sounds to me like you are not as committed to him and in love with him as you claim..because if you were, you wouldn't keep bringing up the notion of dating others. I wonder if he has sensed that you are straying from him, hence he is acting out. From what you have written, you don't seem all that committed and want to put yourself back out there and date others. A relationship should be able to survive even if the couple get busy and don't see each other every day. Relationships are more than just sex and cuddling and sweet words. His actions were truly wrong..but that doesn't make you right either. It sounds like you are itching to get out there and date others.

[mandyc]

I do love him very much. But yes I have been wondering lately what it would be like to be with someone else. Usually just when we are fighting a lot. Sometimes I'm scared that this is how it is always going to be, that we will always fight about silly things. And he also has no other experiences besides me. I have posted about this before and some people think that maybe he doesn't care about having anyone else, but I am afraid that if we did get married or stayed together he would start to eventually wonder if he missed out.

 

I don't know what to do. I really do love him so much and he is my best friend, but lately things have just seemed so different and weird. He is acting in ways and doing things he has never done in the past. I do want to be with him, and I think we are meant to be, but I also really think we need some time to do our own thing for awhile. Maybe I am just saying this because I am still angry and hurt. I know I would be devestated if I heard he got with someone else.... but I don't know how else to show him that I am serious about him respecting me. I want to feel loved and cared for and like he is happy. He just seems so unhappy right now and he won't talk to me about what is wrong, he just keeps saying that I'm trying to put everything on him. I know that I over react and get mad easy sometimes, but he won't talk about why he is acting so different.

[TNMAN]

I know I said it earlier, but you and your ex sound like you are going through the EXACT same thing my ex and I are. After your last post, it sounds like he and I are kind of going through the same thing. Give him space. I've been thinking lately what it would be like to be with someone else, but once the breakup happened, I know I don't want to be with anyone else, just her.

 

Just give it time. My ex is kind of the one who pulled the trigger so to speak because I was acting just like your ex. I'm going to give it another week or so and see how things are after that.

 

After a breakup, you can't just go right back to each other. If you really want it to work, you have to give each other space to sort out feelings without the hurt and other emotions taking over.

[mandyc]

do I go no contact? I mean I'm used to talking to him multiple times a day on the phone. It is already weird. So would you reccommend not talking to him at all? Or only respond if he calls/ texts me first? What worked for you?

[TNMAN]

Well, we've just been broken up for about a week and have talked only once. I know it's hard to go no contact because we were the same way. Talked multiple times during the day and talked every night before bed that we didn't spend together.

 

If he contacts you, respond keep the convo going for a little bit, then end the convo. Don't get into a long convo; that's a way to get back into a habit. Ask him how he's doing just to show that you care, tell him about the past few days briefly and leave it at that. You don't want to talk about the relationship yet.

 

We've talked once since the breakup and it was a 5 minute conversation. Don't get me wrong, I really miss talking to her, but it's been kind of nice to think about me the past week without her in the picture, and I think he needs the same thing. It doesn't mean he doesn't miss you or doesn't want to talk to you, just that sometimes, us guys need to think for ourselves.

 

When you're so used to doing anything at the drop of the hat for someone and willing to do anything for that person (like I am/was with her) you kind of forget to worry about yourself sometimes. It sounds like up until recently that he was like that.

[Ms Darcy]

Gaurentee if you guys break up you both end up just moving on with your lives. That whole "get back together in a couple months thing" doesn't ever really work when you both start seeing other people. Soon as one of you strikes first with a new hook-up, it will cause the other so much pain that your relationship will be permenantly damaged, then that person will strike back and you both end up having a feeling of bitterness. Been here, done all this. You guys wont get back together if you see other people.

 

I agree. And it sounds like you want to see other people. So, you are on your way to moving on.

[adamt]

mandyc, you need to cut all contact for a while so you both can sort out your true feelings. my gut feeling is you are both growing apart and need time alone to sort your heads. if you still want to be together then the time apart gives you both time to work out what is goign wrong

 

when my ex wanted a break, i missed her so much and she meant more to me than ever. she said she missed me (in email) bit when we met up she wanted to break up. what i'm saying is you need a proper break for say a month with no contact and see if you both truly miss each other or just miss the habit of someone there