mandyc Posted March 13, 2010 Author Share Posted March 13, 2010 Thanks TNMAN I really appreciate your help and you sharing your story. I agree. And it sounds like you want to see other people. So, you are on your way to moving on. I don't really think it has hit me yet that we are broken up. So I don't think I am on my way to moving on or anything. I mean we have done this once before and got back together with in 24 hours. I guess it just doesn't actually seem over. I mean am I sad? Yes. But i'm not laying on the floor in a fetal position, bawling, having just lost the love of my life, which is what I'm pretty sure I would be doing if I truly thought this was it for us. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 I don't really think it has hit me yet that we are broken up. So I don't think I am on my way to moving on or anything. I mean we have done this once before and got back together with in 24 hours. I guess it just doesn't actually seem over. I mean am I sad? Yes. But i'm not laying on the floor in a fetal position, bawling, having just lost the love of my life, which is what I'm pretty sure I would be doing if I truly thought this was it for us. Oh, I don't mean you are moving on ... I mean that you are on that road. In other words, if you aren't going towards talking to him to patch things up after breaking up with him, then you are going in the other direction right? Link to comment
PrincessBOT Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 To OP, Mandyc It sound like he broke up with you, he just made you do the deed. I say that because I had a boyfriend start acting similar to your boyfriend and it was because he was confused about commitment and therefore did not want to be in the relationship anymore, but didn't want to do the actual breaking up. As for me, I've broke up with people I still cared about, but not someone I was still in love with. I still care about their well being and what went on in their life and could even possibly see myself back with them if the reason I broke up with them were removed. We remained friends, but I was not in love with him. The other was a cheater and even through my anger, deep down inside I still cared. But if I were in love I have never left I will do all I can. In my heart I don't leave people I love, unless it's to save their life or mine. Link to comment
mandyc Posted March 13, 2010 Author Share Posted March 13, 2010 Oh, I don't mean you are moving on ... I mean that you are on that road. In other words, if you aren't going towards talking to him to patch things up after breaking up with him, then you are going in the other direction right? I just don't know. I guess that would be what I'm doing, but I don't think that is what I want. I want him. But I want him to treat me how he did before all this started. I want a few weeks to let him clear his head and for me to clear mine. I know most people seem against that, and they think that if I don't fix it now then I will lose him, but all I want is some time. I want him to miss me. But I guess that is kind of playing games, which will bite me in the butt, as others have said. There's just so much going on in my life right now. I feel so confused about everything. Link to comment
mandyc Posted March 13, 2010 Author Share Posted March 13, 2010 To OP, Mandyc It sound like he broke up with you, he just made you do the deed. I would think this as well except just last week we were talking about moving in together, marriage, everything. He has never been the one afraid of commitment, that has been me actually. So I don't think it is him getting scared or having second thoughts or anything like that. I really don't know what it is. It is so unlike him. But in the end, yes he did kind of push me to do it. I said if you do this I'm done, and he did it anyways. So I mean he had to somewhat want it, unless he was just trying to call my bluff or something. Either way that isn't a good way to communicate, we need to talk and work on things but we just haven't been doing that. And he acts immature so then I do too, and it just doesn't help anything. Ok sorry for the rambling.... Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 I just don't know. I guess that would be what I'm doing, but I don't think that is what I want. I want him. But I want him to treat me how he did before all this started. I want a few weeks to let him clear his head and for me to clear mine. I know most people seem against that, and they think that if I don't fix it now then I will lose him, but all I want is some time. I want him to miss me. But I guess that is kind of playing games, which will bite me in the butt, as others have said. There's just so much going on in my life right now. I feel so confused about everything. Trying to clear your head is understandable ... yes. Trying to make him miss you when you initiated the break up is manipulative and playing games ... yes to that too. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 But in the end, yes he did kind of push me to do it. I said if you do this I'm done, and he did it anyways. So I mean he had to somewhat want it, unless he was just trying to call my bluff or something. Either way that isn't a good way to communicate, we need to talk and work on things but we just haven't been doing that. ... I find something strangely disturbing about this passage. He made me do it. People do a lot of things while angry and I am not sure it's wise to put ultimatums out there doing high octane times because 9 times out of ten someone is going to take the bait just to see what you do. So, the 'he made me do it' phrasing doesn't work because it was a high stress time where you both should have taken a time out. You, no matter what, were not out of control of yourself ... you chose to stay in that situation and to say all of those words. Also, aren't you trying to do the same thing? Aren't you trying to call his bluff with this break up? To make him miss you so that you can make him treat you a certain way? Either way, isn't YOUR method a problematic way to communicate? Don't YOU need to talk and work on things? I think you need to hold yourself to the same standard that you hold him to. Link to comment
mandyc Posted March 14, 2010 Author Share Posted March 14, 2010 Yes to all of that. I think it was more of a pride thing. I said I'd be done and then he did it, so I couldn't just go back on what I said. In retrospect that was very immature and childish and I was just being stubbon and angry. I'm still being stubborn and angry, and your right I should hold myself to the same standards. I just want to know he cares enough to fight for me. Again that is stupid and playing games since I could just as well take matters into my own hands. I just want to feel like he cares, but I guess maybe he could be feeling the same way as well. Link to comment
TNMAN Posted March 14, 2010 Share Posted March 14, 2010 Playing games will get you nowhere and he will just be pushed away by that. When he makes contact, tell him you're there for him if he ever needs you and leave it at that. Link to comment
DN Posted March 14, 2010 Share Posted March 14, 2010 If you want a balanced relationship then you need to fight for him as well as expecting him to fight for you. I think you are seeing this in some sort of Harlequin romance aspect and that really is neither wise nor realistic. Link to comment
mandyc Posted March 15, 2010 Author Share Posted March 15, 2010 Just wanted to let you guys know I took your advice and we worked everything out. we are back together and we know we have lots of things to work on, but we can't live without eachother, at least not happily. thanks for making me take a harder look at myself. I think I fall so easily into blaming him for mistakes and don't own enough of my part in it. It is something I am truly going to work on. It was a horrible two days and I am just so glad I didn't lose him. Link to comment
TNMAN Posted March 15, 2010 Share Posted March 15, 2010 Glad everything worked out for you. Link to comment
maddy001 Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 He does to hurt u, im going thru the same thing. He always did things that i he knew I didnt like or agree with. I recently read "Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man" by Scott Wetzler....great book, helped me tremendously. Understanding why he does what he does is very helpful and it ultimately has nothing to do with u. I think im on my 7th time in no contact - day 3.....for the past 3.5 yrs, we've gone up and down, silent treatments for weeks, months at a time because I stuck up for myself....I love him, but he really needs help. He pushes away everything good that comes to him in order to turn it around and become the victim. Its crazy. He's conflicted, wants to be with u, but is afraid....a defense mechanism so that u cant hurt him or so he thinks...but when u finally back away and he knows ur serious...he comes back...strong...be careful Link to comment
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